The Simpsons Episode Scripts

AABF03 - Lisa Gets an 'A'

[ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] Mmm.

[ Chuckles ] So I said to that nurse ''You can take your free tetanus shot and shove it.

'' - You told her, Dad.

- You better- - [ Bones Crack ] - believe I did.

[ Grunting ] You still haven't told us why Lenny bit you.

Well, I really gave him no choice.

You see- - Lousy meat-eating scum.

- Huh? - Not you.

- [ Chomping ] I'm going over to protest this disgusting new restaurant called The Slaughterhouse.

It's decorated with hanging steer carcasses and a fountain of blood.

Oh, I heard about that place on The Red Grocer.

The worst part is you pick out your own cow and they kill it right in front of you.

Well, maybe the animals don't mind, honey.

They might enjoy being the center of attention.

I think I read somewhere that cows like being killed.

Wait! There's a place like that in Springfield? - Then why are we eating this crap? - [ Clanging ] Come on, everybody.

We're going to The Slaughterhouse.

- You didn't need to knock the food on the floor.

- Didn't I? [ Chainsaw Revving ] [ Mooing ] Wow! It's even more wonderful than Lisa said.

Oh, whoa.

A complimentary basket of hooves.


Beef salad, beef on the cob, beef-fried beef- Is there anything on the menu that isn't meat? - Ha.

Not likely.

- Cool.

Even this menu is made of meat.

It's an entire chicken pounded flat.

How clever.

The kids' menu is on the beak.

Hmm, I think I'll take- oh, that one.

- [ Gunshot ] - [ Thud ] No.

He's a bit listless, isn't he? Give me- ooh, that spirited fellow.

- [ Gunshot ] - [ Thud ] He didn't put up much of a fight.

Why don't you pick one for me? - [ Gunshot ] - [ Thud ] On second thought, I'll just have a glass of milk - from that cow.

- Hmm? - [ Gunshot ] - [ Thud ] [ Homer ] Wait a minute.

Is this the biggest steak you've got? Seventy-two ounces? I thought this was supposed to be a steak house not a little girlie, underpantsie, pink-doily, tea-party place.

Well, there is one steak that's only available by special request.

We call it ''Sirloin-a-Lot.

'' It's the size of a boogie board.

Ooh! I'll have that one.

And to drink, meatballs.

- Very good, sir.

- [ Dinging ] Ladies and gentlemen, this brave man has accepted the ''Sirloin-a-Lot'' challenge.

He will pit his stomach against - [ People Oohing ] - They like me because I'm brave.

Only two people have ever finished the whole thing.

If you want some friendly advice, pal I wouldn't tackle the big one right away.

Oh, yeah? What do you know about it? - Hmm? - It's you! You're him! You're Tony Randall! [ Chuckles ] Red Barclay's my name.

I'm a trucker.

And I've eaten steaks from coast to coast with taters and toast.

Take my advice.

This one's not for greenhorns.

Greenhorn? Who's a greenhorn? What's a greenhorn? It's an insult.

Sock him, Dad.

Sock everybody.

Oh, you're just jealous 'cause you don't have the belly for it anymore, Mr.




Well, I have just finished a whole lamb.

But, uh, I reckon I could take you to school.

You're on, boy.

- [ Fanfare ] - [ Grunting ] [ Drooling ] Is it safe to eat that much food, Dr.

Hibbert? You know, I wouldn't have thought so before I bought 1 2% percent of this restaurant but now I feel a balanced diet can include the occasional eating contest.

- But what if he chokes? - Oh, not to worry.

We have the latest Heimlich machine.

[ Gagging ] On your left, the pride of the American trucking industry - ''Reliable'' Red Barclay! - [ Cheering, Applause ] And an your right, Homer somebody.

- Go, Dad! Go, go, go! - Yeah! Come on, Homie! Gluttons, to your marks, and gorge! Chew, chew, chew! Chew, chew, chew! - Ooh, dear.

- No, Homer! Don't fill up on bread! Huh? Oh, right! The steak! [ Chomping ] Come on, Dad.

Pick up the pace.

Chew and swallow.

No savoring.

Must eat beef.

Must defeat guy I just met.

[ Chomping ] [ Chomping ] So much steak.

Lungs filling.

Sinuses packed with meat.

Come on, Dad.

Just 1 2 more pounds.

[ Groaning ] Oh, humans are so ridiculous.

He's not even halfway through Walter and he's already hallucinating.

[ Both Laughing ] Lousy drunks! I'll show them! [ Groaning ] What's happening to me? There's still food, but I don't want to eat it.

I've become everything I've ever hated.

[ Sobbing ] - Mmm.

- [ Cheering, Applause ] The winner and still champion, ''Reliable'' Red Barclay! My hat's off to you, Red.

You're a true American hero.

And you did it with style and dignity.

And- Hey! You're not breathing.

Don't people usually breathe? This man is dead.

Looks to me like beef poisoning.

- [ All Gasping ] - Probably from some other restaurant.

- [ All Sighing ] - [ Man ] Pass the ribs.

[ Grunting ] You'd better take one of these too.

He's eaten quite a lot.

[ Tires Squealing ] There goes the finest trucker who ever lived.

He called me greenhorn.

I called him Tony Randall.

It was a thing we had.

In 38 years, he never missed a shipment.

But I guess this is one delivery old Red won't be making.

Oh, yes, he will.

And on time too.

Oh, no.

Homer, no.

I've got to, honey.

I owe it to old Red as both his friend and his killer.

Oh, let me go with you, Dad.

- Don't you have school? - Don't you have work? Ah, touche! Bye, Marge! - Aren't you gonna say bye? - Good-bye, Homer.

- That didn't sound like you meant it.

- Oh, all right.

Good-bye, sweetheart.

Have a nice trip.

That's more like it.

So long, suckers! - [ Homer Laughing ] - [ Horn Honks ] [ Grinding ] - [ Homer Grunting ] - [ Grinding Continues ] - [ Grunting ] Come on! - [ Grinding ] Ah, now I'm getting the hang of this thing.

- I don't know why I didn't become a trucker before.

- You're not really a trucker now.

Oh, yeah? My left arm says different.

Well, according to Red's schedule, we have to make it to Atlanta in three days.

Piece of cake.

Just need a little truck-driving music.


The open road.

[ Ends ] Ah, that little punk.

I'll teach him some manners! - [ Screams ] - No, Dad! He wants you to blow your horn.


[ Homer ] That little punk.

! Lisa, we got another postcard from your father.

Lisa, we got another postcard from your father.

Wow! Dad and Bart have been everywhere.

They've eaten submarine sandwiches, grinders and hoagies.

It's not fair.

Your father always gets to have such exciting adventures.

Maybe it's time we took a walk on the wild side.

We're buying a new doorbell? A musical doorbell.

So many doorbells.

I'm in way over my head.

[ Humming ] - [ Rings ] - [ Chuckles ] [ Grunting ] Oh, great! Look at my shoes.

And today's my evaluation with Senor Ding-Dong.

Excuse me, Mr.

Trainee, I'm trying to find a musical doorbell.

Well, you came to the right place.

We got your ding-dang-dongs and your do-re-mis and your ha-cha-chas, huh? [ Chuckles, Mumbles ] I'm trying to find a particular tune.

It's the one that goes like- [ Humming ] - Mom, is this the one you want? - [ Pop ] Yes! That's it! Lisa, you ought to be a doorbell salesman.

Oh, that's just what I need.

Another piranha in the tank.

[Jukebox:Rock ] - A little more high test, darlin'? - Sure thing, Gwen.

I'll be right back with your pie, hon.

- Ah, that's a nice, friendly gal.

- Yeah.

Wouldn't it be great to live right here at the truck stop? Watching all the people come and go.

- You could have a different best friend every day.

- I suppose.


Now write your mother and tell her the marriage is off.

And then when the paperwork is done, I'll make Gwen my wife.

- Will that be all, sweetie? - For now.

The light's on.

All systems are ding-dong.

Come on, Mom.

Let's take it for a test drive.

It's not a toy, Lisa.

We'll just have to wait until someone comes.

Anyone? Anyone at all? Oh! Milhouse is selling seeds, and he's coming this way- Oh, the birds got him.

[ Screaming ] Not the face! If your father was here, there'd be process servers, repo men and bounty hunters to beat the band.

Wait! People are coming! - I think they'reJehovah's Witnesses.

- Yes! Wait, Marlin.

You know, I just had a thought.

Maybe we're bothering people by trying to change their religion.

What if we don't have all the answers? You're right, Nureen.

Let's go get real jobs.


I would have feigned interest.

[ Humming ] Still no visitors.

It's time we opened up a can of Whup-Tushie on this situation.

What's the number for Luigi's? Dad's got it on the speed dial under ''fire.

'' This is it, honey.

We did it.

- Damn it! - Oh.

- [ Marge ] Ring the bell.

! - Why? You already know I'm here, don't you? - [ Marge ]Just do it.

! - Nothing doin', missy.

Now do you want your half order of garlic bread or not? - No.

But if you'll just ring the- - [ Tires Squealing ] Oh, that's it.

I'm putting an end to this.

- Lisa, no, no, don't! It won't be the- - [ Pop ] Oh.

It's heavenly.

[ Singing ] Why is it playing over again? Who cares? No one could ever get sick of this song.

[ Singing ] [ Suspenseful ] [ Man ] Hey, get that truck out ofhere.

! [ Chomping ] - [ Woman ] You mean, it ate Patrick too? - It ate everybody.

What about Erica? - It ate everybody! - It ate everybody, stupid! I bet old Red caught himself a mess of catfish with these fishing sticks.

- Uh-huh.

I bet he used bait.

- Relax, boy.

We're ahead of schedule.

Actually, we have to go Ten hours? We gotta roll! Uh, yeah.

I need something that'll keep me awake, alert and reckless all night long.

Well, Congress is racing back to Washington to outlaw these.

- Sold! - Hey, you can't that many pep pills at once.

No problem.

I'll balance it out with a bottle of sleeping pills.

[ Chomping ] [ Giggling ] Okay, we're all set.

Let's put the pedal to the metal.

I wholeheartedly agree! Oh, man, I'm really wired.

This is a big mistake.

I- Oh, here come the sleeping pills.

So drowsy.

Pep pills! Perking up again! I could drive all night.

[ Snoring ] [ Both Snoring ] - [ Snoring ] - [ Beeping ] [ Tires Squealing ] - [ Bell Dings ] - [ Snoring ] Huh? [ Screams ] I fell asleep at the wheel! Hey.

[ Mumbles ] But we didn't crash.

It's a miracle! But we didn't crash.

It's a miracle! I fell asleep at the wheel, and the truck drove here by itself.


That Navi-Tron Auto-Drive System has made our jobs cushier than ever.

- The what now? - You know, this thing.

With this baby driving your truck for you all you gotta do is sit back and feel your ass grow.

- The trucks drive themselves? - Shh! Hey, hey.

Shh! Didn't your union rep tell you about the scam we got going? I'm not really a trucker, so I don't talk to the rep that often.

All right, listen, pal.

Here's the deal.

You stumbled on the secret that only truck drivers are supposed to know.

[ Laughing ] - Hey, pay attention and stop looking at that squirrel.

- [ Chittering ] We get 40 bucks an hour to drive these rigs.

Do you think anybody would hire us if they knew we weren't really driving the trucks? Wow! You guys are even lazier than me.

- Well, don't worry.

I'll keep your secret.

- See that you do.

- Hey, Bart.

Watch me run down this old lady.

- Dad, no! - [ Beeps ] - [ Screams ] [ Laughing ] The second I let go of the wheel, this little wonder kicks in.

And if scaring old ladies don't float your boat, watch this! [ Grunts ] Come on out, boy! It's windy! Wow! You're right, Dad.

It is windy! Hey, look.

Nobody's driving.

Well, will wonders never cease? Relax, everybody.

The Navi-Tron Auto-Drive System is driving the truck for me.

But keep it a secret.

It's a big scam, okay? [ Shutters Clicking ] What the hell? Breaker, breaker.

Looks like we got us a 1 0-38.

Uh, 1 0-38.

Uh, let's see.

Uh, ''outsider blabbing about auto-drive system.

'' Well, we'll have to teach our friend some discretion.

- Yeah.

Just like we did toJimmy Hoffa.

[ Chuckles ] - Hey, shut up! Calling all big rigs.

Motormouth on Highway 7.

You know what to do.

I need to get some sleep.

I have a test tomorrow in- [ Quoting Lyrics ] I mean, English.

Okay, okay.

Let me just get the wire cutters.


Your father traded our tools for M&M's again.

Oh, the heck with it.

[ Groans ] [ Playing Faster ] - [ Continues, Faster ] - [ Dogs Howling ] [ Continues, Faster, Louder ] Look, Son.

It's one of nature's most beautiful sights.

The convoy! - He hit us! - Oh, I should have known.

- They're hazing us to initiate us into the truckers' fraternity.

- [ Crash ] Thank you, sir! May I have another? - Dad, they're trying to kill us! - Oh, why do all my trips end like this? - Eat water, good buddy! - [ Screams ] Whoa! Look at him roll! [ Grunts ] Oh! My good knife! My wife's gonna kill me.

- [ Homer ] I think we lost 'em, Bart.

- Dad, stop! Uh-oh.

Well, well, well.

Looks like we got ourselves a showdown, boy.

- All right.

- What are you doing? - I'm keeping a promise to an American roadmaster.

- Huh? Red! The trucker! - Big fat guy couldn't handle his steak? - Oh, yeah.

- We'll get past that barrier somehow.

- [ Beeping ] Old Blinky here will find a way.

- [ Engine Revving ] - [ Tires Squealing ] I'm afraid I can't let you do this, Red.

The risk is unacceptable.

I'm not Red.

I'm Homer.

- Gotta go! - Uh-oh.

- [ Screams ] - Dad, do something.

Something better! [ Screaming ] [ Both Screaming ] [ Screaming Continues ] Whoo-hoo! Now that man is a genuine, steel-belted, gear-jamming rig jockey.

- That's a fact.

- Boy howdy.

- You can say that again.

- Yeah.

Boys, I've been thinking.

Maybe it's time we ditched the high-tech gizmos and went back to driving like our daddies did.

- Drunk? - No! No.

Using our hands and our wits.

Yeah, sure it's hard work and it's lonely as hell.

But it has meaning and dignity.

Huh? What do you say? Nah.

Let's just find some other scam.

Hey, how about bootlegging Beanie Babies? - Sounds good to me.

- Oh, I like that.

Yep, you're gonna make it, Dad.

Somewhere up there, I bet Red is saying thanks.

This is Red Barclay's shipment, on time as always.

All right, let's see.

Artichokes and migrant workers.

Looking good.

So where is old Red anyway? Well, the last time I saw him, he was in a big plastic bag.


Yeah, that sounds like Red, all right.

Well, Son, I guess it's time to go home.

Any thoughts on how we're gonna get there? No.

But I'm sure the Good Lord will provide.

Are you crazy? I'm not driving a trainload of napalm to Springfield! Thank you.

- [ Pop ] - [ All Shouting ] I'm really sorry, everybody.

But I've tried everything.

I'm afraid we're just going to have to learn to live with it.

No, no, no.

No dice! All right, Chimey, this time the bell tolls for thee.

Huh? Ayayay.

! Senor Ding-Dong! - [ Continues ] - I thought you were just a marketing gimmick.

There was a time when that was true.

But now I am so much more.

- [ Stops ] - [ Crowd Cheering ] Oh, my.

Gracias, senor.

De nada.

If you ever need me,just ring.

[ Engine Cranking ] Does anyone have any jumper cables? [ Engine Cranks, Stops ] [ Senor Ding-Dong ] Oh,you stinking Chevy.

! - [ Murmuring ] - Shh!