The Simpsons Episode Scripts

5F19 - When You Dish Upon a Star

[ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ Humming ] [ Homer's Voice ] Hey, Bart-Bart looks like a beautiful day to swipe some ''pic-i-nic'' baskets.

[ Bart's Voice ] But, ''Homi,'' Ranger Ned's not gonna like that.

I'll handle Ranger Ned.

After all, I'm smarter than the average bear.

Well, hello there, Ho-didilly-omi.

Well, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to hand over that- [ Shouting ] Gee, Homi, it's not very nice to maul Ranger Ned.

- You want some of this? - Uh-uh.

- [ Shouting ] - [ Groaning ] [ Growling ] - Dad, wake up! Wake up! - Dad, wake up! [ Moans ] I was having the most wonderful dream.

I had a hat and a tie, with no pants on.

Yeah, yeah.

Anyway, you promised to take us to the lake.

I promise you lots of things.

That's what makes me such a good father.

Actually keeping promises would make you a good father.

- No, that would make me a great father.

- So Are we going to the lake? Yes, we'll go to the darn lake.

Now go back to bed.

It's 4:00 a.


Aw, 4:00 a.


? Now I'll never get back to- [ Snoring ] [ Singing Cartoon Theme Song ] Hey, you shouldn't have oughta taken my banana, Mr.


[ Roars, Hoots ] - [ Horns Honking ] - [ Marge ] Wow.

! It looks like the lake is the place to be, huh? Well, if we'd left at 4:00 a.

m like I wanted to- Well, if we'd left at 4:00 a.

m like I wanted to- Dad, you really should be watching the road.

- Hey, Homer.

Enough traffic for you? - [ Neck Cracks ] - Homer, your spine.

- [ Cracks ] Hey, pfft.

Screw this.

Hang on, everyone.

We're taking the old Simpson shortcut.

- [ Tires Squeal ] - [ Homer] So long, suckers.

[ Bart ] Whoa! [ Chuckles ] Eat my dust, suckers.

[ Marge ] Stop calling everyone suckers.

[ Homer Scatting ] Hmm.

[ Chomps ] Ugh! Pesticides.

[ Chomps ] Carbamate, if I'm not mistaken.



- [ Marge ] Tree! - I see it.


This is such a secluded area.

I wonder who lives in that house.

[ Homer ] Way out in the sticks like this? It could only be hillbillies.

So I suppose that's a hillbillyJacuzzi.


That's where they cook up their vittles.

[ Chattering ] [ Laughs ] - [ Rod And Todd Giggling ] - Hey, here come the Simpsons.

Now be careful, Homer.

There's a fella in the sand right in front of you.

[ Shouts ] Okay, remember where we parked.

[ Ned ] Homer, is that my muffler? There you go.

And I assume you've read the boat safety manual.

Oh, yeah.

Couldn't put it down.

Come on, boy.

Let's get me a six-pack.

Uh, sir, you can't operate a boat under the influence of alcohol.

Oh, that sounds like a wager to me.

- Life jackets? - Check.

- Tow rope? - Secure.

- Skier? - Ready.

Here we go.

She's down.

- Oh, look at it go.

- Stay there, honey.

We'll come back for you.

[ Screams ] - How's he doing? - I don't know.

I think Dad might be a little heavy for parasailing.

Faster, Marge! Faster.

The snapping turtles are massing.

- Heads up! Coming through.

- [ Clamoring ] Hey, volleyball.

Can I play later? Hi, Apu.

Oh, dear.

You have ruined my work, you flying fat man.

- [ Screeching ] - [ Clamoring ] Hey! [ Sighs ] Step on it, Mom.

Dad's signaling that he wants to go higher.

[ Gurgling ] Higher.

[ Spits ] Bye-bye, ''fishies.

'' Higher.

Higher! I'm soaring- Soaring majestically, like a candy wrapper caught in an updraft.

Higher, Marge.

Higher! - It won't go any.

- Higher, I say.

I wanna soar higher than any man has ever soared.

I wanna look down on the clouds with contempt.

I wanna sneer at God's creation and spit on his- Uh-oh.

[ Whimpering ] Lower! Lower! - There goes my turn.

- [ Whimpering ] This is not good.

[ Whimpers, Gasps ] Aw, nuts.

[ Shouting ] [ Buzzing ] Huh? What? Oh, already? - [ Woman Gasps ] What the hell- - Sorry, lady.

[ Gasps ] I know you.

You're Kim ''Basin-jer.

'' - It's Basinger.

- Oh, my God.

I'm such a huge, huge fan of yours, Miss ''Basin-jer.

'' Thanks.

Um, listen.

- You think you could slide over a little? - Well, I am a married man.

- You're crushing my husband.

- [ Man Groans ] [ Gasps ] Billy Baldwin! I'm Alec Baldwin.

Could you get off me? So what are you two kids doing in my neck of the woods? - Well- - Wait! Tell me over breakfast.

Who's for pancakes? Are you sure you don't want to go to the hospital, Mr.

Simpson? You had an awful lot of glass in you.

Oh, I don't want to be a bother.

Anyway, what are you two big Hollywood stars doing in good old Springfield? Sometimes we need to get away from Hollywood.



is just so phony.

Well, why don't you just move to, say, Bethesda? - Not phony enough.

- What we really like here is the privacy.

Most people don't even know where Springfield is.


Tell you the truth, I'm not even sure.

We're trying to keep a low profile.

We don't even go to the supermarket.

Yeah, we've been living off congratulatory muffin baskets.

Blech! Zucchini.

- Don't just put that back in the basket.

- I'm gonna eat it later.

You shouldn't have to survive on dry, crumbly muffins from ''the Gersh Agency.

'' You should let me do your shopping.

I know where I can get you some great muffins.

- No more muffins.

- Okay, fine.

But I could do all kinds of stuff for you.

I notice that skylight in your bedroom's broken.

Yeah, I'm not sure we need an assistant, Mr.




Come on.

If you let me hang around a while, I can do all kinds of stuff for ya.

Well, we are down to our last roll of toilet paper.

And I have been brushing my teeth with hair gel for a week.

I suppose we could give it a try.

- Yeah, you owe me that much.

- Okay, you're on.

But look- Nobody knows we're in Springfield, and we wanna keep it that way.

Will you promise to keep our secret? Absolutely, if you promise to keep mine.

- Okay.

What is it? - I can't read.

But you just read that card from the Gersh Agency.

I recognized the logo.

[ Whistling ] Homie, are you okay? We've been lookin' all over for you, Dad.

Where did you land? - Nowhere famous.

- Where'd you get that muffin? Gersh Agency.

Apu, I'm about to purchase some weird and fruity items, and I don't want any guff.

First of all, I'll need the following mushrooms: - Portobello.

- Yes.

- Porcini.

- Right.

- Chanterelle.

- Uh-huh.

- And Shiitake.

- Okay.

We have none of those.

What is next? A gallon of wheatgrass juice, a five-pound wad of tofu, some jellied zinc and a couple of pairs of $600 sunglasses.


Simpson, these exotic items are suspiciously different from your usual order of beer and pork.

- What gives? - Uh, nothing, nothing.

I'm just broadening my horizons.

By the way, do you have extra-wide bumper stickers for a Humvee? Wow.

You got everything, Homer- Even the Oscar polish.

- [ Squeaking ] - Honey, why don't you give that thing a rest? You're taking the finish off.

When you win one, you can take care of it however you want.



- [ Doorbell Rings ] - I'll get it.

I'll get it.

- Yes? - Hi.

I'm Ron Howard.

- Ron Howard? - Yeah.

I'm looking for Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger.

Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger? Oh, hey, Ron.

We heard you were looking for a place in Springfield.

Yeah, well, it's the only town in America that'll let me fish with dynamite.

Uh-What's with him? Oh, that's just Homer.

He's a new friend of ours.

Really? You giant stars consider me a friend? Well, for the first time in my life I feel like I'm somebody.

Ronny, are you also my close friend? [ Sniffs ] Do I smell vodka? And wheatgrass? It's called a lawn mower.

I invented it.

- You want one? - Yeah, okay.

- And I'll have a rum and zinc.

- Ooh, I'll have one of those too.

- Hey, can I crash here tonight? - Sure.

We'll all stay.

A cell phone? Last Thursday's Variety? - [ Door Closes ] - [ Whistling ] [ Gasps ] I'll do that.

You go upstairs and have a beer.

Homer, when did you become a member of PETA? Well, you know me.

I love animals- Beef, chicken, veal.

If you're not part of the solution, Marge, you're part of the problem.

- That's not what PETA stand- - [ Ringing ] - Imagine Films.

- Hmm? A, uh, division of, um, Homer Co.

- [ Disco Beat ] - And lift.

And strain.

And hyperextend.

Keep those knees rigid.

Jerk that lower back.

Homer, I'm- I'm feeling some sharp pains in my neck.

That' right, force it.

Whip that neck.

Um, does anybody know where this came from? Oh, there's that movie script I wrote.

- Where did you find it? - On my pillow.

The important thing is, it's got the perfect part for you.

Either one of you.

It's about a killer-robot driving instructor who travels back in time for some reason.

Ron Howard's attached to direct.

- I am not.

- Well, he expressed an interest.

- No, I didn't.

- Did too.

- I did not.

- You lie! Yeah, Homer, um, most movie scripts are 1 20 pages.

This is only 1 7 and several of the pages are just drawings of the time machine.

- So you're saying you don't want to star in my movie? - I'm sorry, Homer.

Well, if Alec is out, I'm out too.

You're on your own, Potsie.

''The Terminizer:An Erotic Thriller.

'' [ Chattering, Laughter ] So I'm in the grocery store the other day, buying some cotton balls.

- The absorbent kind? - You got that right, my friend.

- [ Laughing ] - I round the corner and I head down the ointment aisle when who should I spot- None other than Kent Brockman.

The local news guy? ''Mr.

Channel 6''? - [ Chattering ] - My God! What I'd give to meet him.

- Oh, they don't come much bigger than that.

- [ Blows Raspberries ] Kent Brockman? Please.

Oh, what? I suppose you've seen a bigger star.

- I might have.

- Come on, make with a name.

[ Groans ] I can't.

I promised I wouldn't.

You've got to keep our secret, Homer.

Homer, we're out of vodka.

Tell the people, Homer.

They have a right to know about the celebrity summer house.

- Who the hell are you? - What do you care? I'm telling you what you want to hear.

All right, I'm gonna let you guys in on something.

But you've got to keep it much more secret than I did.

[ Grunts ] - [ Grunts ] - [ Grunts ] Yes! In your freckled face, Howard.

- Unbelievable.

- What? Nothing, nothing.

Good hustle.

- [ Rhythmic Rumbling ] - My God-The lemonade.

Look at the lemonade.

- [ Rumbling Continues ] - Uh-oh.

[ Chattering ] Hey, look at that.

Isn't that something? Quick- Everybody inside.

The shuttlecock- Where's the shuttlecock? - [ Chattering ] - [ Panting ] [ Chattering Continues ] Arr.

I loved Splash, Mr.


- It was totally, uh, uh, arr.

[ Chuckles ] - Uh, Miss Basinger? Those red pumps you wore in L.


Confidential were fabulous.

Where can I get a pair for my, uh, mother? She wears a 1 2 double-E.

Alec, Alec- Regarding that so-called silent propulsion system in The Hunt for Red October- I printed out a list of technical errors which I think you'd enjoy discussing.

Somebody must have told them we live here.

I'm looking at you, Horshack.

Homer, how could you? Okay, okay, it was me.

I'm sorry I blew your secret.

But you don't know what it's like to be a nobody.

I just wanted to bask in your reflected glory.

Reflected glory! Homer, you betrayed our confidence.

I just don't think we can be friends anymore.

- But where will I bask? - Anywhere but here.

Come on, Ron.

We're not wanted here.

All right, I'll go.

But the next time you want someone to remind you which brother is which - or smell your hair while you're sleeping- - [ Gasps ] just remember, old Homer won't be here anymore.

- [ Clamoring ] - [ Moe ] Hey, come on.

! [ Sideshow Mel ] Wait a minute.

Somebody's coming out.

- Who is it? Is it anybody? - No, no.

It's nobody.

Throw your stones.

It's nobody.

[ Clamoring ] Oh, how could Alec and Kim just cut me out of their lives? Homer, you haven't touched your food.

When Kim makes a Manwich, she uses focaccia bread.

And would it kill you to put some fennel in it? Alec Baldwin? Wow! That is the coolest person you've ever been fired by.

- What was it like at their house? - Oh, it was so great.

I didn't have to fake it with them.

I was actually excited to hear about their day.

- I washed the dog today.

- Was it the dog from the Beethoven movies? - Of course not.

- [ Groans ] Our dog isn't famous.

And you kids aren't exactly John and Joan Cusack.

And you-You couldn't open a movie if your life depended on it.

I'm about ready to ankle this family.

Ankle? Focaccia? What are you talking about? See? It's like we don't even speak the same language anymore.

The only one who understands me is that guy who married Martha Raye.

Don't blame us, Dad.

The celebrities are the ones who canned you.


She may not be famous, but she's right.

Those big-shot stars used me up and spit me out.

I did their laundry.

Got their pictures developed.

Took their garbage to the dump.

And I still got a carful of their crap.

Crap, eh? [ Chattering ] Hey, is it too late to see the movie stars? No, no.

Just, uh, hop that fence sneak up and, uh, peek in the window there.

All right.

- [ Crackling ] - [ Groans ] [ Chuckles ] I never get tired of that.

[ Horn Honks ] [ Homer On Loudspeaker ] Attention, starstruck fools.

Step right up and see the world's greatest mobile collection of Alec and Ron and ''Kim-o-rabilia.

'' - [ Chattering ] - Only five- No wait.

Ten dollars.

- You heard right.

Twenty dollars.

- [ Lenny ] Homer, me first.

Come on, man.

[ Chattering ] [ Barney ] Oh! Hundred-year-old stuff.

Hey, it's Alec Baldwin's Medic Alert bracelet.

That's right, ''Mr.

Tough Guy'' can't handle a little penicillin.

Oh, and look at this.

We can't even pay our bills, and they're drinking Royal Crown Cola.

- Hey, hey.

Go easy on the celebrities, huh? - Yeah.

What gives you the right? - Leave 'em alone.

- We love celebrities.

Oh, yeah? What have they ever done for you? When was the last time Barbra Streisand cleaned out your garage? And when it's time to do the dishes, where's Ray Bolger? I'll tell ya.

Ray Bolger is lookin' out for Ray Bolger! Oh, look.

Wasn't that a fun weekend? Yeah.

Homer was a pretty good guy.

And we just tossed him out like a Golden Globe award.

I've got to admit, I miss the way he used to tuck us in and kiss us on the forehead.

- Forehead? - Oh, maybe I should have made his movie.


It wasn't that bad.

I mean, the script might even work if you got rid of the talking pie.

What, are you crazy? It's a buddy picture.

Without the pie, it would just be me on screen for two hours.

Oh, yeah, and you'd hate that.

No, no, no.

You can't lose the pie.

The pie is your heart.

Okay, okay.

Keep the damn pie.

The point is, we weren't fair to Homer.

He screwed up, but he deserves another chance.


Everyone makes mistakes.

I mean, we'd want another chance if one of us ever made a bad film, right? [ Birds Singing ] [ Ducks Quacking ] I'm really looking forward to seeing Homer again.

He always has the most interesting odors.

[ High-Pitched Voice ] Ooh, look at me.

I'm Kim Basinger, the big movie star.

I'm so beautiful.

I think I'm so great.

I'm too important to take Homer to the Oscars.

- What the- - [ Screams ] Got to go.

Thank you for supporting the Museum of Hollywood Jerks.

- Let's get him.

- And this time it's personal.

What? It is personal.

He's got our underpants.

[ Tires Screeching ] - [ Horn Honking ] - I'll never outrun them in a museum.

- Pull over, you maniac.

- No! Just jump over there, Alec.

It's not that far.

Yeah, you're a big screen tough guy.

Uh, gee, I'd love to, but I'm not really wearing the right shoes.

[ Imitates Chicken ] Fine.

- [ Grunts ] - [ Screams ] [ Laughing ] Hey, I made it.

All by myself.

Hey, were you watching, sweetheart? I made it! Ow! Aaah! My watch is caught.

Oh, for the love of- Hold on.

- Can you drive? - Not well, but I'll give it a shot.

- [ Grunts ] - [ Thump ] - Oh, God! - [ Tire Screeching ] [ Kim Screaming ] [ Both Screaming ] I guess it's up to me.

- [ Groaning ] - [ Both ] Ron! - You killed Ron Howard.

- Okay, I'll stop.

[ Gavel Banging ] - Mr.

Simpson, do you have anything to say for yourself? - Yes, I do.

I believe that famous people have a debt to everyone.

If celebrities didn't want people pawing through their garbage and saying they're gay, they shouldn't have tried to express themselves creatively.

In closing, you people must realize that the public owns you for life, and when you're dead you'll all be in commercials, dancing with vacuum cleaners.

Thank you, Your Honor.


Simpson, you are forbidden to come within 500 miles of any celebrity, living or dead.

[ All ] Whoo-hoo! Well, I'll always have my crank calls.

[ Beeping ] Hello? Old lady from Titanic? You stink! [ Giggles ] And it grows to a powerful, emotional climax when the father has to choose which one of his children will live and which one will die.

- Pass.

- [ Groans ] - What else you got? - Uh- Well, there is this one thing.

It's about a killer-robot driving instructor that travels back in time for some reason.

- I'm listening.

- Okay, okay.

Well, you see, this robot- He's got a heartbreaking decision to make about whether his best friend lives or dies.

- Eh.

- His best friend's a talking pie.

Sold! Howard, you've done it again.

[ Man Singing ] [ Man Singing ] - [ Murmuring ] - Shh! [ Ron Howard ] Homer, we're out of vodka.