The Simpsons Episode Scripts

5F22 - Bart the Mother

[ Chorus Singing ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] - [ All Grunting ] - [ Lisa Wails ] [ Homer Yells ] Mail call.

! Gather round, everyone.

! All right, one for ''Resident.

'' - That's me! - Well, that's it.

One stinkin' letter? Why'd you make us gather round like that? I needed my power fix.

[ Sighs ] [ Marge ] Hey, listen to this.

''Congratulations! ''Your child, or children, have been selected to appear ''in Who's Who Among American Elementary School Students.

[ Gasps, Belches ] ''Please submit their names along with $95 for each handsome volume you wish to order.

'' Oh, I've never been so proud! [ Kissing ] You both deserve a big, big reward! Mom, they put every kid in America in that book just so gullible parents will buy it.

- It's all a big scam.

- [ Muttering ] Shut up.

Are you sure? I can usually smell a scam from two towns over.

Yeah, Lise.

She is a smart, sophisticated woman.

Now, let's hear more about that big, big reward.

Yeah, Quit stalling, Marge.

We want our reward.

One reward coming up! [ Marge ] Ta-da.

! - [ Lisa ] Yea! Way to go! - [ Bart ] All right! [ Grunts ] Man, it feels good to get out of that car.

Ooh! Go Karts! Come on, everybody! Let's go! [ Laughing ] Look at me, Bart! - I'm driving! - We're all proud of you, Dad.

Move it, pokey.

Slow and steady wins the race.

[ Humming ] Easy, easy.

Stick with the plan.

- Whoa! - Uh, are you all right, man? Uh, I think so.

- How about now? - [ Screams ] Ha-ha! That was no accident.

Shame on you, Nelson.

Cram it, ma'am.

Stand back and watch the pro.

- Shouldn't you put on a batting helmet? - Nah.

They mess up my hair.

[ Grunts ] Ooh! Ball one.

[ Grunts ] Ball two! [ Chuckles ] This bozo's gonna walk me.

Hey! You're goin' down, you- [ Groaning ] Why, you-Aah! Hey, you- [ Grunts ] You better-Aah! I'm gonna-Aah! If you do- D'oh! Hang in there, Dad! Just half a basket left! Hang in there, Dad! Just half a basket left! Hmm.

- [ Bell Ringing ] - [ Lisa ] Yes.

! A Maggie-oop.

! - [ Buzzing ] - Mm-hmm.

Hey, that's cheating! [ Humming ] Hmm! Okay, what can I get for 1 2- count 'em- 1 2 prize tickets? Two thumbtacks and a mustache comb.

Or five rubber bands and an ice cube.

What can I get for 8,000 tickets? A BB gun or an Easy-Bake oven.


Hot food is tempting.

But I just can't say no to a weapon.

[ Gasps ] Whoa! Can I try that sometime? Yeah, sure.

Never hurts to have a second set of prints on a gun.

Wow, thanks, Nelson.

I'll come by your house later! Oh, no, you won't.

You stay away from Nelson Muntz.

- But, Mom- - Nelson's a troubled, lonely, sad little boy.

He needs to be isolated from everyone.

- But, Mom- - Yes? That's all I got.

So, what prize did you end up getting? - Mustache comb.

What'd you get? - Fake mustache.

- Wanna comb it? - [ Groans ] This sucks.

Time to punch out of this yawn factory.

I'm going to Nelson's.

- But Mom said not to.

- She doesn't scare me.

I do what I want when I want.

Oh, God! Inchworms! Won't you get in trouble if your mom sees you doing that? Nah.

My mom's got bigger problems.

- She doesn't give a crap what I do.

- Wow, you are so lucky.

Come on.

Let's lock and load.

- You're not going out without a scarf, are ya? - Nah, I don't need one.


It's your health.

- Think I can hit that bottle? - Yeah, probably.

Shows what you know.

Hey, check this out.

That's my dad's shootin' car.

Just three more payments and it's ours.

- Oh, cool.

Can I get a shot now? - Hang on! - First, how about I try and peg you in the stomach? - Mmm, no, thanks.

Or what about you put on these nerd glasses and I shoot 'em off? No way! Come on! Quit hoggin' the gun! [ Chirping ] - Bet you can't hit that bird.

- Are you crazy? I don't want to shoot a stupid bird.

That's 'cause you know you can't.

You're not a superstud like me.

- Am too! - Are not! You're an octo-wussy.

''Whoa, look at me! I'm Bart Simpson! I'm scared to use a gun! I want to marry Milhouse.

I walk around like this-'' # La la la-la la # Hey, quit it! Hmm.

[ Chirping ] [ Whimpering ] - Oh, my God.

- Whoa! Major shot! You even compensated for the crooked sight.

Crooked sight? You are one cold-blooded killer, dude.

But- But I wasn't- I didn't- Right through the neck! [ Whistles ] Doesn't get any sweeter than that, Simpson.

- Savor the moment.

- [ Sighs ] - [ Humming ] - I rolled up all the socks.

- [ Gasps ] - What's next? - While I deal with this, why don't you start on that basket? - All right.

Ohh! I hate folding sheets.

That's your underwear.

Well, whatever it is, it's a two-man job.

Where's Bart? He's up in his room.

Bart! It's okay, Marge.

I'll get him.

Bart! - What the heck's going on? - We need Bart to help fold your father's underpants.

- Where is he anyway? - Bart? Uh, he went to play with a friend.

He didn't go to Nelson's, did he? No, no.

I'm pretty sure he's with Milhouse.

Milhouse! [ Milhouse Shouting ] What? Tell Bart to come home! I think he's at Nelson's.

! Who's Nelson? Nelson? I explicitly forbade Bart from playing with that little monster.

Oh, Bart is in deep, deep trouble.

Oh, yes, and punish Lisa for lying to us.

-[ Door Slams ] - All right, young lady.

March yourself directly to the Kwik-E-Mart and get me some chips and a beer.

Get a little somethin' for yourself, sweetheart.

Shall we bury it or chuck it into a car full of girls? Hey, leave it alone! - Okay, okay! Don't kill me, killer.

- Don't call me that! Relax, Simpson.

It was either him or you.

No court would convict you.

[ Gavel Banging ] Bart Simpson, do you know why you have been summoned before this tribunal? Yes, sir.

Because I killed an innocent bird.

Dear Lord! We just wanted you to put fresh newspaper on the tribunal floor! We're knee-deep in our own droppings.

It's disgusting.

But since you've confessed to birdslaughter, we have no choice but to peck your face off.

- No! Not the face! - [ All Squawking ] [ Screaming ] [ Groans ] Oww! What are you doing? I got bored, so I started slapping you.

[ Gasps ] Uh-oh.

- [ Gasps ] - Young man, you're coming home with me this minute.

All right! Finally, a real home! Not you.



See ya later, killer.

''Killer''? Why did he call you killer? Mom, you were right.

Nelson is bad news.

Can we go home? - What are you hiding there? - [ Cats Yowling ] - Nothing.

- What are those cats doing behind you? - [ Yowling Continues ] - Uh, cats like me? [ Gasps ] Get- Get off.

Get off.

[ Yowling Continues ] [ Gasps ] Bart! Did you kill that poor bird? I didn't mean to, Mom.

The gun pulled to the left- You disobeyed me, snuck over here and murdered a helpless animal? I know.

I really screwed up.

I deserve to be punished.

What's the point, Bart? I punish and I punish and I punish, but it never sinks in.

So you know what? Do what you want.

You wanna play with little hoodlums? Fine.

Have fun killing things.

Mom, wait! [ Whimpers ] - [ Sizzling ] - [ Humming ] Oh, my God.

Hi, little eggs.

I'm not sure how to tell you this, but your mom was involved in an incident.

Mistakes were made by me.

But don't worry.

I'll take care of you.

[ Theme ] Hi, I'm Troy McClure.

You may remember me from such nature films as Earwigs- Eew.



and Man vs.

Nature- The Road to Victory.

In all the animal kingdom, no mother is more devoted than the blue jay.

Valuing her eggs above even her own life the mother bird bravely fights off such fearsome predators as the badger and the mongoose.

- [ Shrieking ] - [ Chittering ] Of course, one thing mother blue jay can't defend against is a set of steel tongs.

[ Squawks ] Eggs.

Precious eggs.

If they're to survive, they require the gentle warmth and tender love that only a mother can provide.

Or better yet, a 7 5-watt bulb.

Oh, hello.

In a few days our eggs will hatch into nestlings, like these over here.

They look awfully hungry, Mr.


They sure are, Billy.

In nature, their mother would regurgitate food for them to eat.

- That's gross! - [ Laughs ] It sure is, Billy.

It sure is.

[ Theme Ends ] [ Murmuring ] You've checked this Bible out every weekend for the last nine years.

Wouldn't it be easier to just buy one? Perhaps on a librarian's salary.

Hey, fellas, good news.

I found an extra 7 5-watt bulb lying around.

[ Whistling ] - [ Clicks ] - D'oh! [ Screaming, Groaning ] [ Whistling ] Check it out, guys.

I've been working on this regurgitation thing.

[ Retching ] Oh, yeah! Hope you like Pop-Tarts.

I think I'll call you Chirpy Boy.

And you, BartJunior.

And you can call me Mother.

No, wait, that sounds kinda fruity.

Just call me Mom.

[ Gasps ] [ Sighs ] [ Whistling ] - [ Clicks ] - D'oh! [ Screaming, Groaning ] [ Growling, Yowling ] [ Yowls ] [ Whimpers ] [ Blubbering ] - [ Can Opens ] - What do you think he's doing up there? - I don't know.

Drug lab? - Drug lab? Or reading comic books.

What am I, Kreskin? You tell me what he's doing.

I don't know, and I don't want to know.

And I'm going to find out.

Oh! My good gray extension cord.

[ Grumbles ] Oh, no! Gotta keep these warm.

Bart, stop whatever you're doing and come down here.

Can't right now.

Come back later.

Oh, I'll come back later.

How's this for later? - Mom, listen- - Why are you sitting like that? What are you hiding this time? [ Whimpers ] - Eggs? - That bird I killed was their mother.

I don't want her babies to die too.

[ Groans ] Ohh- Oh, honey.

Oh, come here.

[ Gasps ] Oh, my goodness! Look! [ Gasps ] Oh, man! This is the most exciting thing I've seen since Halley's comet collided with the moon.

- That never happened, Dad.

- Sure it didn't.

Is the nest still warm enough, Mom? Hmm.

It's starting to cool down.

I'll bake another pie.

Ooh, how about cherry this time? And would it kill you to make some coffee? Why is this taking so long? Bart was born in about five minutes.

Actually, it took 53 hours.

- Really? Well, the time just flew by, didn't it? - [ Groans ] - Everybody come quick! They're hatching! - Hmm? [ Lisa Gasps ] - I see a foot.

- I see an eye! - I see a neck! - I see a horn! A horn? [ All Sigh ] - [ Both Hissing ] - [ All Gasping, Screaming ] [ Bart ] Man, those are some funky lookin'birds.

! Oh! You look like a little tiny dinosaur.

Oww! That is one vicious baby bird! Dad, they aren't birds.

Sure, they are.

They came from eggs in a bird's nest, therefore they're birds.

''Ickso fatso.

'' One- they don't have beaks.

Two- they don't have feathers.

- And three- they're lizards! - You're a lizard! Enough bickering.

I know how to settle this.

- No kickboxing.

- Ohh.

If anybody wants me, I'll be eating alone in the basement.

- [ Click ] - D'oh! [ Screaming, Groaning ] Now, uh, people, there's been some confusion about our bird-sighting rules.

You cannot count birds that you've seen at the zoo, on stamps or in dreams.

Well, I'm back to square one.

- [ Cooing ] - Mmm.

My God! A pigeon! That's the last bird on my list.

[ Chuckles ] So long, suckers.

Excuse me.

Can you tell us what kind of birds these are? - They hatched from eggs I found in a nest.

- [ Gasps ] Good heavens! I'm very glad you brought those in, Bart.

I'll just get those killed and you can be on your way.

- [ Gasps ] Wait! What the heck are you doing? - My civic duty, that's what.

''Bolivian tree lizard''? Mm-hmm.

It's a vicious ovoraptor.

It feasts on bird eggs and lays its own eggs in the nest.

The unsuspecting mother bird cares for them until the babies hatch and devour her too.

[ Laughs ] What a chump! It's already wiped out the dodo, the cuckoo and the ne-ne and it has nasty plans for the booby, the titmouse, the woodcock and the titpecker.

How vile.

The one thing that mystifies me is how a Bolivian lizard made it to Springfield.

[ Clears Throat ] That is a puzzlement.

[ Grunting ] Ah.

[ Humming ] - [ Shrieks ] - Mmm? Mmm.

Look, Skinner, we haven't got all day.

Kill the horrid beasts.

- Then do away with their lizards.

- No, don't hurt them! - I'll just keep 'em as pets.

- No, they might escape and breed.

The law is very clear on this.

They must be exterminated as quickly and gruesomely as possible.

- [ Whirring ] - No! They're mine! I'm sure we can work this out.

He's just a child.

Let me talk to him.

I'll give you a moment.

That'll give us time to prepare for the splatter.

Bart, I'm sorry, but there's nothing we can do.

Your lizards are banned by federal law.

Everyone thinks they're monsters.

But I raised them and I love them.

I know that's hard to understand.


Not as hard as you think.

- Run for it.

- Really? Okay, that's exactly one moment.

And- Oh, my God! He's getting away! - [ Gasping, Murmuring ] - Stop him! - Out of the way, Midge.

- Oh, am I in the way? Yes, yes, you're in the way! Are you daft, woman? Sorry.

I didn't realize I was in the way.

You're still in the way.

You don't seem to be moving at all.

Oh, for cryin' out loud, just knock her ass down.

- [ Moe ] Way to shove, Edna.

- [ Apu ] Let us roll.

Guys, is it really true? Are you cold-blooded egg murderers? Don't use that look on me.

I invented that look.

There he is, off in the distance! - [ Whimpering, Panting ] - [ Smithers ] He's getting away.

! - [ Gasps ] - Okay, Bart.

This is where it ends.

Relinquish the lizards.

- [ Gasping ] - I said relinquish.

- Aah! - [ Both Grunting ] - [ Marge Gasps ] - [ Grunting Continues ] Oh! Oh, no! You killed 'em! - [ Groans ] - Good riddance to bad lizards.

Hmm? Hey! Whoa! Look at 'em! Go, Chirpy Boy! Go, BartJunior! Oh, nuts! Wow.

Did you know they had those webbed flaps for gliding? Yes.

But I was hoping they didn't know that.

Well, I hope you're happy, Bart.

You have no idea what kind of plague you've unleashed upon this town.

Our top story: The population of parasitic tree lizards has exploded and local citizens couldn't be happier.

It seems the rapacious reptiles have developed a taste for the common pigeon also known as the feathered rat, or gutterbird.

For the first time, citizens need not fear harassment by flocks of chattering disease-bags.

For decimating our pigeon population and making Springfield a less oppressive place to while away our worthless lives I present you with this scented candle.

- [ All Cheering ] - Yeah! All right! Well, I was wrong.

The lizards are a godsend.

But isn't that a bit shortsighted? - What happens when we're overrun by lizards? - No problem.

We simply unleash wave after wave of Chinese needle snakes.

- They'll wipe out the lizards.

- But aren't the snakes even worse? Yes, but we're prepared for that.

We've lined up a fabulous type of gorilla that thrives on snake meat.

- Then we're stuck with gorillas! - No, that's the beautiful part.

When wintertime rolls around, the gorillas simply freeze to death.


I'm proud of you, boy.

[ Sniffs ] Mmm.


I don't get it, Bart.

You got all upset when you killed one bird but now you've killed tens of thousands and it doesn't bother you at all.

Hey, you're right.

- I call the front seat! - You had it on the way over! - Hey! - [ Both Grunting ] [ Bart ] Out of my way.

! Oww.

! - [ Murmuring ] - Shh!