The Simpsons Episode Scripts

AABF17 - Monty Can't Buy Me Love

[ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ Big Band ] [ Carnival ] [ Elephants Trumpeting ] [ Ends ] [ Man ] And welcome back now to Cash In Your Legacy.

This week we're appraising antiques in Springfield.

This gentleman's beer tap dates back to the turn of the century and remarkably, seems to have never been washed.

Yeah, yeah, I've been meaning to wash that, but- [ Chuckles ] it's been such a century.

At auction, I'd expect this to bring $20,000 to $30,000 except that on the handle somebody's carved ''Homer rocks.

'' And I do.

Whoo! - Appraised value: $1 5.

- [ Groans ] I'm gonna kill him.

I'm gonna kill him! - [ Gasps ] - Hey.

Ah, geez.

I don't know how you can all just lay around the house on a nice day like this.

When was the last time we went for a good, old-fashioned family walk? Oh, we stopped those when the kids said I was too fat to carry.

Oh, come on.

Let's go for a walk.

This family's getting so lazy.

I'm not lazy.

I'm just, um, uh- Lisa, finish my sentence for me.

Why don't you finish your own darn- [ Snoring ] Fine.

If we're not going for a walk, we'll just talk about our day.

I wrote another poem about a duck.

Can't we go home yet? My feet hurt.

All this fresh air is making my hair move and I don't know how much longer I can complain.

Get a horse! - Could we, Marge? Could we get a horse? - We're walking, Homer.

[ Whimpering ] There's some dogs.

We could all ride dogs.

- Forget it.

Nobody's riding any- - Hi-yo, Silver, away.

! - [ Whining ] - [ Grunts ] Oh, look! There's the store where I buy my yarn.

But you don't wanna buy your buttons there.


Well, I dodged a bullet.

Now there's the place you wanna buy your buttons.

And that's where the bookmobile lady used to live.

If you love me, you'll kill me.

- [ Marching Band ] - Hey, Mom, look! Ooh.

Looks like something exciting's happening.

Well, we'll have to read about it in tomorrow's paper.

Why can't we see it now? Well, it's not really on our walking route.

- [ Groans ] - [ Continues ] - Where'd you get that champagne? - Clown.

- Thanks, Noodles.

- All this commotion just for a store? Hey, it's not just a store- It's a megastore.

''Mega'' means good, and ''store'' means thing.

[ Gasps ] Wow.

What a high-tech wonderland.

Oop, got an itch.

[ All ] Ew.

Whoa! This place has everything even a Shoplifting Department.

- What convenience.

- I'm doin' all my thievin' here.

This is so much nicer than the Kwik-E-Mart.


[ Whimpering ] Oh, I'm sorry, but, oh, it really is.

Yes, I know, but still- [ Whimpering ] - [ Banjo ] - Hey, Dad.

Give me 50 bucks.

I gotta buy some things.

Better make it a hundred.

Yeah, me too.

Homer, don't you think you're spoiling- [ Muttering ] - [ Singing ] - [ Scoffs ] New music? Man, all these bands are just rippin' offJudas Priest.

[ Continues ] Ooh, I hear this really sucks.

Hmm, director's commentary.

I'm sorry.

I am really sorry.

Ugh! Ugh! I don't know what I was thinking but, uh, Field of Dreams was good, wasn't it? Made us all believe again.

Oh, poor Mr.


He tries so hard.

[ Costner ] Ah, thanks.

You're sweet to say that.

Uh, where are you? I'm back here.


Will you bring me a sandwich? Please? No-No crusts.

- [ Whistle Blowing ] - [ Laughing ] [ Screaming ] [ Sobbing, Groaning ] Cool.

[ Tires Screeching ] - [ Honking ] - Step lively, Smithers.

That orphanage won't demolish itself.

Sir, although I do enjoy your loud, excessive honking it doesn't seem to be moving the crowd.

Deploy the cowcatcher.

- [ Groaning ] - Hey! What the- Ooh! [ Sighs ] Once again, my underwear has become tangled in a cowcatcher.

Ooh! Oh, tarnation.

I've got to see what the excitement's about.

Make way! Doctor coming through! - [ Buzzing ] - [ Groaning ] - Excuse me.

- [ Screams ] - So sorry.

- [ Screams ] - Pardon me, good sir.

- Well, hi-diddly- [ Screams ] - That's a good lad.

- [ Grunting ] Books and cocoa in the same store? What's next, a talking banana? - Hmm.

- Uh, I don't see one, sir.

No, of course not.

The very notion of a talking banana is absurd.

Still- - [ Fanfare ] - Oh.

! Attention, good shoppers of Springfield! Someone very special has just entered the store.

The world's most popular billionaire- Oh, please.

All this fuss for little old me.

Please welcome the owner of Fortune Megastores, Arthur Fortune.

- What? - [ Man Singing ] Hello, Springfield! [ Together] Hello, Arthur! You know, I've done a lot of exciting things in my life.

- I went down Mount Everest on a boogie board.

- Wow.

- Climbed Niagara Falls.

- Ooh! Oh! And just last month, I knocked out Muhammad Ali.

[ Doorbell Rings ] - [ Grunts ] - Oh, how awful.

But this is the biggest thrill ever- the opening of my 1 1 2th store! [ All ] Yea! Now I'm afraid I've got some bad news from my accountant today.

It seems I have too much money.

- Who wants a dollar? - [ Clamoring ] - I do! - Ha.

All right.

What's your name, young man? I don't know.

Just give me the dollar.

Well, I hope this starts you on your way to a great fortune! - Now who wants the second dollar? - I do! - Well, all right.


Now- - I do! Oh, the heck with it.

- Dollars for everyone! - [ Cheering ] [ Chanting ] Fortune! Fortune! That man's totally insane.

[ Chuckles ] This goes right in the old poor box.

- Not so fast, old chum.

- [ Screams ] [ Singing ] Whoo! - [ Ends ] - [ Mr.

Burns ] Oh, that flamboyant fop.

He's got them eating out of his hand.

- Well, you have to admit, he is charismatic, sir.

- Oh, ''bollish.

'' Anyone can lead a conga line.

Hop to it, Smithers! [ Singing ] [ Ends ] Springfield is still swooning from the whirlwind visit of playful plutocrat Arthur Fortune.

Oh! The man has no idea how to behave like a billionaire.

Where's the dignity? Where's the contempt for the common man? This new breed of fun-loving billionaire is a welcome change from the classic joyless miser brooding in his cavernous mansion- Bah! [ Echoing ] Bah! Bah! Bah! Grasping a glass ofbrandy with his thin, clawlike fingers and a superior smirk on his greedy, soulless face.

[ Sighs ] I thought I had everything- money, good looks, strong, sharp teeth.

[ Sighs ] But what's it all worth when nobody likes you? - I like you, sir.

- Are you still here? Easy.


[ Grunting ] Hey! Whoo-hoo! Look at me! I can juggle! - Uh, Simpson.

- Aaah! I need your help.

I want to be loved.

I see.

Well, I'll need some beer.

I want you to look at me the way I saw you look at Arthur Fortune.

Oh, Arthur Fortune.

[ Sighs ] Yes! That's the look I'm looking for.

What would make you and your slovenly kind look at me that way? - Well, you don't have to call me slovenly.

- Yes, exactly! That's the kind of pointer I need.

- Tell me more, fatty.

- Hmm.

Oh! This is a great idea, Simpson! Free silver dollars, compliments of C.

Montgomery Burns! [ Screaming ] Ow! Ow! Take it out! Take it out! No! Ooh! Put it back! Put it back! That was a close one.

Wanna go bowling? Maybe you should see a doctor about that coin in your brain.

Maybe you should mind your own business.

Afternoon, miss.

Oh! - [ Bird Cawing ] - I can't believe it.

I'm still not among the hundred most popular billionaires.

I'm behind Adam Sandler, for God's sake.

Well, how about donating money to charity? Lots of crazy old coots do that.

A charitable donation, eh? Well, there's a first time for everything.



Take this check for $200,000 to the Springfield Hospital.

Can do.

[ Muttering ] Now there's nothing to do but sit back and wait for the kudos to roll in.

[ Crickets Chirping ] - [ Air Hissing ] - [ Coughing ] Where are my kudos? Hmm.


We don't have any record of you giving the hospital any money, Mr.


Oh, but we did get a very generous donation from a Mr.

Homer Simpson.

What? [ Grunting ] It's not fair.

It's not fair! You- [ Muttering ] Morphine, please.

Wait a minute.

Because I brought the check, they named a wing after me? [ Laughing ] Oh, you must be mad.

Well, I will be when the morphine wears off, but until then- [ Humming ] Gee, I feel bad.

If people knew the real Monty Burns and not the silver-dollar-throwing, morphine addict you've become they might like you.

Yeah, if you wanna change your image, you gotta get your face out there.


On the radio.

That's it! The radio.

I'll go on the most popular program of the day.

I assume that's still Don McNeill and his Breakfast Club.

Oh, get with the times, man.

It's Jerry Rude and the Bathroom Bunch.

Oh, I don't think Mr.

Burns would like that show.

What's the matter? Think I'm not hip? I don't have enough- [ Quoting Lyric ] Thank you, Knickknack and Paddywhack, the Siamese midgets.

We'll be sure to catch your new series on Fox.

Good luck, Mr.


And if you get in trouble I wrote some jokes about how white people are different from black people.

- Hmm.

- How you doin', Mr.

Burns? Jerry Rude.

Welcome to the show.

[ Chuckles ] I am pleased to- All right, let's get this geezer out quick so we can bring in the lesbian gladiators.

You see, white people have names like Lenny whereas black people have names like Carl.

[ Laughing ] Zoom! Now, Mr.

Rude, I just want you to know I'm a good sport.

If you want to make fun of my legendary love of cashews- [ Chuckles ] you have at it.


All right.

Uh, how many times a day do you go to the can? Oh, about 40, I suppose.

When are we going on the air? - We're on the air now, Skeletor.

- What? Question two: How long is your wiener? Seriously.

Great heavens! What kind of Radiola show is this? All right, how about this? When was your first gay experience? Oh, well, when I was six, my father took me on a picnic.

That was a gay old time.

Ho-ho! I ate my share of wieners that day.

Oh, that sounds lovely.

[ Coughs ] Queer.

[ Coughs ] Queer.

Um, ever murder anybody? Murder? Well, mistakes have been made.

Monty, I've heard you're a pretty flatulent guy.

Any comment on that? - Well, now, see here.

Stop that.

- [ Farting ] - Attention, wireless listeners.

- [ Farting Continues ] Most of the sounds you are now hearing are not being made by me.

- Oh, stop! Stop! Won't someone please stop the farting? - [ Farting Gets Louder] Aah! [ Groaning ] Don't worry, folks.

He's not dead.

I still hear some faint sounds of life.

[ Farting Continues ] That didn't go well, did it? - Good thing those lesbians knew C.



- Oh, what's the use? I'll never be a popular, beloved billionaire like Arthur Fortune.

Oh, Arthur Fortune.

[ Sighs ] You know what that fabulous man just did? He gave the Springfield Zoo two male pandas and got them to mate successfully.

And a stunt like that impresses people? Oh, yeah.

And I'm not easily impressed.

Wow! A blue car! If a couple of Chinese bamboo-gobblers can win people's hearts I'm going to bring them something that man has searched for since the dawn of time.

- A sober Irishman? - Even rarer.

[ Homer ] Whew.

! That was one long helicopter ride.

[ Bagpipes ] Do you really think you can capture the Loch Ness Monster? I mean, he's eluded Leonard Nimoy and Peter Graves.

[ Scoffs ] Peter Graves couldn't find ugly at a Radcliffe mixer.

[ Clears Throat ] Hey.


Let's see now.

We have the Monsterometer Flipper-finder, Hoax-a-Scope, which is important for the looking and finding- Ugh.

The whole town's turned out.

I've never seen them so excited.

Hey, Willie.

That old couple looks just like you.


'Tis my ma and pa.

They own a tavern hearabouts.

They still have the same pool table on which I was conceived, born and educated.

- So you're back, Son.

- Aye.

- I suppose you'll be leavin' soon.

- Aye.

[ Grunting ] Good.

[ Muttering ] One more.

Where's my monster, tubby? What do you people think I'm paying you for? - Uh, to work in your power plant? - You're not payin'me anything.

! You kidnapped me.

I remember it distinctly with the grabbing and duct taping and the tennis ball in the mouth.

- It hurt me.

- The beast looks something like this.

- [Jingles ] - Only without the saucy T-shirt.

Check! Okay.

[ Whistling ] He's been down in that icy water for hours.

How can the lad survive such brutal punishment? - [ Bell Dinging ] - [ Barking ] - [ Grunting ] - [ Buzzing ] [ Mutters ] You monster! [ Pinging ] Oh, my great, good God.

Gentlemen, your attention, please.

I am detecting a gigantic amphibious life-form.

It's 80 meters long, and it's heading this way.

Oh, good glavin! It's on my shoe! - It's a- a small frog.

- [ Croaking ] Just get off.

Just get off there.

Just get out.

Get out! Stupid machine.

Oh, wait a minute.

This isn't the Monsterometer.

It's the Frog Exaggerator! Oy.

We're the laughingstock of the town.

Don't worry, Mr.


We're gonna find that monster no matter how long it takes.

Besides, I'm getting kind of used to wearing a kilt.

[ Giggles ] Can you believe I'm a size four? Whoo! - Ach.

- Aye.

Oh, it's pointless hunting for an animal that has 2 4 miles of water to hide in.

- Drain the lake.

- What? You heard me.

Deploy the Delochinator.

[ Groans ] Ooh! [ Muttering ] Oh, pumping is hard.

[ Muttering ] - We've lost our homes and everything we hold dear.

- Aye.

I see it! I see the monster! Nae! There's merely Loch Ness High School's discarded homecoming float.

No way! Aberdeen rules! [ Roaring ] [ Screaming ] [Jingling ] - God, it's him! - Come on, boys.

Overpower it.

- [ Whistling ] - Fine.

I'll do it myself.

[ Grunting ] That was amazing, Mr.

Burns! I was a little worried when he swallowed me but, well, you know the rest.


And now for my triumphant return to Springfield.

Monster fever has gripped Springfield by the throat.

And it's all thanks to one man- Montgomery Burns has captured not only a legendary monster, but also our hearts.

And by the way, girls, he's single.

Single? Well, he passes the Selma test.

And now, presenting the ninth wonder of the world- the eighth being Gomer Pyle's heavenly singing voice- I give you the Loch Ness Monster! - [ Fanfare ] - [ Cheering ] - [ Chanting ] Monty! Monty! - Thank you.

You're too kind.

Yes, that's it.

Let it all out.

Clutch me to your common bosom.

Hey, look.

He's getting up.

No, no.

Stop it.

Stop it.

- You'll enrage the beast.

! - [ Cooing ] No pictures.

You're driving him mad! [ Shuddering ] Aah.

! Stop it.

! You're blinding me.

! Oh.

Oh! I can't see.

- Aah! - [ Screams ] Run! - Mr.

Burns will kill us all! - [ Screaming ] Wait.

Don't go.

Love me! Well, if you wanted people to love you you sure blew it with that insane rampage.

- [ Sighs ] - But you know what? To be loved, you have to be nice to people every day.

But to be hated, you don't have to do squat.

You know, perhaps you're right.

I got so swept up with the notion of being liked, I completely forgot who I am.

I'm a selfish old crank, and that fits me like a Speedo.

[ Cooing ] So what do we do with our friend here? Uh, throw him in the Dumpster? No, no, no.

I really want to give the lovable scamp a good home.

- D'oh! - Tough luck, Simpson.

- Come on, Nessie.

One more pull.

- [ Roars ] Okay, okay.

Want a shrimp cocktail? - Nah.

- Yeah, they're not great.

[ Bagpipes ] [ Ends ] - Shh! - [ Lisa ] Ooh, I hear this really sucks.