The Simpsons Episode Scripts

AABF16 - The Old Man and The 'C' Student

[ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] - 'Scuse me.

Pardon me.

'Scuse me.

- [ Marge Groans ] - Hmm.

- Hey.

Ah, but Paris would make a tres bon site for the next Olympic Games.

And why is that? We don't have to explain ourselves to the likes of you! I await your reply.

I recommend Moscow, where the American dollar buys seven rubles.

- [ Pager Beeps ] - Twelve rubles.

- [ Beeping Continues ] - Sixty rubles.

1 ,000 rubles! I must go! - I suggest Motown.

- Detroit.

No, no.

Mongolia Town- home of the Motown sound.

[ Vocalizing ] You are all crazy! The answer is Buenos Aires.

- Hokkaido! - Budapest.

! - Cleveland! - England! - Bangkok! - People! People! Please.

You are forgetting what the Olympics are all about- giving out medals of beautiful gold so-so silver and shameful bronze.

- [ All Murmuring ] - [ Woman ] It's so true.

I have here a letter from a little girl named Lisa Simpson.

She says her town might not be important enough to host the Olympics but she asks if the torch could just pass by so she can experience the glow that we feel every day.

Well, I say we don't bring her the torch.

I say we bring her the Olympic Games! - Who is with me? - [ Cricket Chirps ] Well, I don't care.

It's my decision.

Springfield was shocked today to learn it will host the next Olympics.

Economists predict our city will experience the same boom that Sarajevo enjoyed after the 1 984 Games.

And it's all because of your letter, Lisa.

Well, actually, I just wrote it for a school assignment.

Everyone else wrote to the Backstreet Boys.

To honor the arrival of our foreign friends- and enemies- Channel 6 is sponsoring a contest to find a Springfield Olympic mascot.

The winner will join such other memorable mascots as the Atlanta whatsit and the Montreal vampire.

A mascot contest? I'm sure to win that- unless one of you jinxes me.

No one's gonna jinx you, Homer.

In fact, we're rooting for you.

- Yeah.

Go for the gold, Dad.

- Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Well, you said I couldn't do it, but here it is.

Meet Abby, the Olympic Tabby! [ Bart ] How'd you get the eyes to move? - [ Plaintive Meowing ] - [ Gasps ] You papier-mached my cat? Just for the prototype, honey.

[ Meows ] - [ Hisses ] - [ Yelps ] Knowing you always hate my first idea, I prepared a backup.

How about a big Olympic hello for Springy- the Springfield spring! [ Bart ] Those aren't the dog's eyes, are they? - Hey, that's cute.

- Good work, Dad.

It's fun for the whole family.

And the ends are razor sharp- to protect our nation and its interests.

- Ow! - God bless America.

[ Spray Can Rattles ] - [ Squeaking ] - Hit the road, Lefty.

You too, Rizzo.

- [ Chirps ] - Oh, Cinnamon, don't make this harder than it already is.

[ Crowd Cheering ] Bravo, Springfield.

- I have never seen such a clean sewer.

- [ Chuckles ] And we are positively inspired by your solar power plant.


Love that sun, man.

We will do anything, including but not limited to anything to make your stay here tolerable.


You'll be completely above the law.

Uh, women, guns, cash- whatever you need.

It's yours.

- [ Man ] Ach du Lieber.

! - [ Wolf Whistle ] - [ All Murmuring ] - And that's not all.

We've just chosen our official Olympic mascot.

- [ Crowd Oohs and Aahs ] - [ Applause ] [ Gasps ] They picked Springy! In your face, Patty and Selma! - Well, we still love you, Ciggy.

- Yeah.

Mmm! That glue really gives it a pop.

And now, because the children are our future here are the children of Springfield Elementary with a song they call ''The Children Are Our Future.

'' - Children? - [ Up Tempo ] [ Singing ] [ Continues ] I've never wanted a beer worse in my life.

[ Gasp ] I love you, honey.

Are you talking to me or the beer? To you, my bubbly, long-necked, beechwood-aged lover.

[ Continue Singing ] - [ Ends ] - Bravo! Magnifigue.

! Muy bueno.

It gives me great pride to officially declare the next Olympics will be held right here in- Wait! Wait! We have one more act.

The patriotic comedy stylings of Bart Simpson! - [ Man ] Oh, fine.

- Thank you, thank you.

- So, uh, you're from Russia, huh? - Da.

- You drunk yet? - Da.

Poland, eh? [ Chuckles ] Too easy.

How ya doin', Germany? Here's my impression of an East German woman.

''Kees'' me, or I'll crush you.

[ Laughing Hysterically ] - He says what we're all thinking.

- I'm not thinking that.

Hey, Swiss miss.

There's no missin' you, babe.

- Lay off the cocoa.

- [ Laughter ] [ Mutters In German ] Now I'd like to say one last thing to our Olympic representatives.

If there was a medal for horrible audiences, you'd get the gold.

- Peace out.

- [ Loud Feedback ] [ Gasps, Grunts ] [ Tires Screeching ] Skinner! Skinner! How could you put this boy on with that horrible material? Well, it really did seem funny in rehearsal.

- And he didn't even get to his Ubangi routine.

- [ Laughing ] Ha, ha, ha.

Laugh it up, ya punks.

'Cause you and Jan Murray here just cost our town the Olympics.

- Hey, Chalmers.

Where are you from? - Huh? Well, I was born in Queens, went to Ball State then made the move to Intercourse, Pennsylvania.

- Uh, why do you ask? - Don't worry, sir.

I'll teach these children some respect for their town.

I'm assigning each of you - [ Groaning, Grumbling ] - Community service? - No, no! - Intercourse? - What if we refuse? - You won't pass to the next grade.

I fail to see the threat.

Skinner! Good idea.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to my vacation at Lake Titicaca.

Let's see you make a joke out of that, Mr.

Smart Guy.

All right, Martin.

For your community service you'll be setting up a midnight basketball program for inner-city street gangs.

All right, gang.

Shirts and skins.

- Let's hustle.

- [ Gunshot ] [ Tires Screeching ] - Milhouse, do you like the beach? - Who doesn't? Good.

I want you to pick up all this medical waste that's washed up on the shore here.

Ow! I pricked myself.

Well,just keep working.

You'll prick yourself with the antidote sooner or later.

[ Sighs ] - What are ya gonna do to me? - Bart, not all community service is gang warfare and dangerous infection.

And to illustrate that point, here's where you'll be working.

The fireworks, candy and puppy dog store? [ Puppies Yipping ] No, no, no.

Next to it.

Settle a bet.

Boil or mole? [ Groans ] Okay.

Just breathe through your mouth and don't ask how they're feeling.

[ Muzak ] - [ All Groaning ] - [ Creaking ] Oh, man.

- [ Wheezing Groan ] - [ Yelps ] Whoa! - [ Grunts ] - [ Dentures Chattering ] - Aren't you a beautiful- - Let's pull his skin.

- [ Yelps ] - Look at that.

Oh, be a dear and snap my support hose to my girdle.

[ Shuddering ] - Oh, goody! - Whew! Saved by the bell.

Whoa! - Where do you think you're goin'? - [ Gulps ] Oh, no.

Lise, they got you too? Got me? What are you talking about? I got a nice diagonal goin' here.


- You sunk my battleship.

- [ All Laughing ] G-52.

- You sunk my battleship.

- [ All Laughing ] Oh! I got a bingo! What do I win? - A banana.

- A whole one? - Yep.

- That's the prize? A banana? Their natural mushiness prevents choking and promotes regularity.

They're not babies, Lisa.

Give 'em something fun- like cigars or booze.

We tried giving them eggnog at Christmas but it led to widespread ''de-shawling.

'' Well, that's what they get for wearing such tight little shawls.

- Oh! - [ Chuckles ] - Okay.


Nap time.

- [ All Snoring ] - You tell 'em when to sleep? - [ Whispering ] Shh.

Don't wake them.

[ Vacuums Whirring ] While they sleep, we suck up excess dirt and crumbs.

Here you go.

Make sure you get into every crevice.

- [ Snoring ] - Cool.





Don't play with the faces.

So, Bart, how was your first day of forced volunteerism? That place sucks.

The nurses don't let Grampa do anything.

They practically chew his food for him.

Lucky stiff.

I'm workin' my ass off here.

Good steak, honey.

The elderly aren't like you or me, Bart.

They thrive on consistency, predictability and a life with no surprises.

Sounds good to me.

- [ Doorbell Rings ] - I'll get it! - [ Laughing ] - Delivery for Homer Simpson.

[ Grunting ] Mmm! Whoo-hoo! My springs.

They finally came.

But we lost the Olympics to Shelbyville.

Yeah, but I should have no problem selling a thousand springs.

- To who? - Idiots.

Ooh! These are fun.

Oh, Rhett! Rhett! Oh, Rhett.

Where will I go? - What'll I do? - Frankly, my dear- [ Different Male Voice ] I love you.

Let's remarry.

- Ahh.

That's sweet.

- What a lovely ending.

They cut out the best word.

Didn't that movie used to have a war in it? Come on, you.

You've been warned.

- Picture yourself on a beautiful sailboat.

- [ Waves Lapping, Gulls Crying ] Ah.

Can't you just feel the sea breeze in your hair? - [ Man ] Oh, boy.

- Or scalps.

Say, I hear a foghorn.

[ Imitating Foghorn ] Boring! Come on, Bart.

We don't want to overstimulate these people.

They just had pudding.

[ Doorbell Rings ] Hello, little girl.

Is your mommy home? You'll need to ask her for five dollars to buy Mr.

Bouncy Best Friend.

I know you.

Your little smart-mouthed boy cost this town the Olympics.

- [ Agnes Grunts ] - [ Skinner ] Who is it, Mother? - Bart Simpson's father.

- Oh.

I'll be right down.

[ Footsteps ] Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! [ Grunting ] Ow! Ow! Ow! [ Grunting ] Boy, Lenny,you sure look hungry.

- Have some nuts.

- Hey, thanks.

- Ow! My eye! Ow! Ow! Ow! - [ Chuckling ] Now, if you wanna be the life of the party like Lenny here just place your order for this hilarious novelty item.

- [ Lenny Screaming ] - Homer, get outta here.

Boy, Moe, you sure look angry.

- Here.

Have some nuts.

- Hey, thanks.

Ow! God! My eye! - Ow! Get it out! Geez! Gaagh! - [ Lenny Yelping ] Don't pull.

Don't pull.

[ Groans ] I said don't pull! Don't.

! Now we're pulling into port.

Ah! And who's waiting for us at the dock? Why, it's all your childhood dogs! I see Petey and Blackie and Schnoodle.

- Oh, no! Pirates! - Pirates! Ahoy, mateys! It's me- Long Bart Silver.

- And I'm gonna rip you a new I.



- [ All Gasp, Shudder] - Bart, what are you doing? - I'm just trying to liven things up around here.

These people need to ride motorcycles and play rockin' electric guitars like the old people on TV.

Excuse me.

But when those pirates boarded I swallowed my wedding ring for safekeeping.

- Get me some ipecac.

I'd like to expunge it.

- [ Sighs ] Okay, she's gone.

Let's break out of here and have some fun.

- Shouldn't we ask someone first? - If I get up, somebody will take my chair.

Got that right.

It's the only one left with padding.

[ All ] Padding.

[ Sighs ] What about you, Chief? Don't you wanna be free like the eagle? Oh, I don't live here.

I'm just dropping off Indian casino pamphlets.

Vote ''yes'' on Prop 21 7.

[ Grunts ] You know, the door was open, Chief Break Everything.

Come on, people.

You don't wanna stay in a place where they vacuum you while you sleep.

- They do what now? - Now's our chance.

Let's go! - [ All Shouting ] - [ Woman ] I'm gonna follow him.

Oh, no.

Bart has stolen the elderly.

[ Yelps ] Forgot my hat.

- ['60s Pop ] - [ Cheering, Whooping ] Oy! [ Laughing ] [ Shouting ] [ Both Grunting ] Oy! [ Murmurs ] [ Murmurs ] Uh-oh! [ Ends ] Ow! Today's grass is far sharper than the grass in my day.

Hey, everybody.

! How'd you like to go on a real boat trip? - Oh, that would be nice.

- I'm there! Arr! Not a looker among 'em.

Full speed ahead! Damn the torpedoes! What'd he say? Put on our tuxedos? I want some taquitos.

[ Homer ] Welcome to the kitchen of tomorrow- today.

! - How much would you pay for a self-flipping hamburger pan? - Nothing.

Don't answer yet.

Watch how easy it is to flip hamburgers with the help of God's greatest creation- the spring! Now watch this.

[ Screaming ] [ Moans ] - Are you okay? - Some second-degree burns.

But some first-class burgers.

[ Groans ] I want you to get rid of these springs.

But you haven't seen the baby of tomorrow.

Ta-da! - Now if I drop her, no more tears.

- [ Gasps ] [ Humming Basketball Theme ] - Give me my baby! - ''D'' it up, Marge.

I'm goin' to the hole.

[ Marge ] I want these springs out of our house today.

! [ Toilet Flushing ] [ Singing Drinking Song ] You're not flushing those springs down our toilet, are you? - Of course not.

- [ Toilet Flushes ] [ Singing ] [ Groaning ] Mm-mm-mm.

[ Big Band ] [ Continues ] Oh, Abe, you dance divinely.

I haven't felt this relaxed and carefree since I was watch commander at Pearl Harbor.

Aw, geez.

This place used to be crawlin' with Russian subs.

Now there's just four.

- [ Gasps ] Sea hag.

! - Bart Simpson! Bart, are you crazy? You've got to get the old folks home to the old folks' home.

No way.

They're finally having some fun.

- [ Calypso ] - How low can I go? - [ Bone Snaps ] - [ Yelps ] That's it.

- Gee, Bart, maybe you're right.

- [ Watch Alarm Beeps ] They don't even seem to care that it's medication time.

- Medication time? Hot dog! - [ All Murmuring ] - Gimme, gimme, gimme! - [ Chattering ] But I've set you free.

No more nap time.

No more bingo.

You can do whatever you want.

- Let's play bingo.

- Yeah! Let's play bingo.

- You sunk my battleship.

- [ All Laughing ] [ Sighs ] Now, Smithers,you say you painted all your navy buddies this way? Until I was discharged, sir.

I don't get it, Grampa.

If you guys like all that boring stuff why did you follow me out here? Gotta do somethin' till bingo.

[ All Gasp ] [ All Screaming ] How could you miss that huge boat coming right at us? - Oh.

Two glass eyes.

- [ Clink, Clink ] Oh, it's not fair.

I'm not supposed to die now.

I'm supposed to die in a foolish motorcycle stunt at the age of 1 5.

Ha, ha! You're not dead yet, you pudgy little pisher.

- [ Together] Jack La Lanne! - Don't worry.

I'll save you theJack La Lanne way! [ Grunts ] [ All Cheering ] - [ Yelping ] - [ All Screaming ] Uh-oh.

- This is all Bart's fault.

- Let's get him.

- I blame him.

- He's killed us all.

I want some taquitos.

Leave him alone! Sure, Bart's responsible for our deaths.

But he gave us the most fun we had in 20 years.

So before we go to our watery graves I say that we- [ Gurgling ] [ All Screaming ] [ All Sigh ] [ All Screaming ] [ All Sigh ] [ All Scream, Sigh ] What the heck's going on? [ Homer Singing, Echoing ] Ah.

What a shame.

Not a looker in the bunch.

So, you workin' tomorrow at the home, Bart? Well, I finished my community service.



But I could swing by after school.

- I'll bring the limbo stick.

- Hot diggety! [ Humming Calypso ] [ Vocalizing ] Hey.

Stop shakin' the harness.

How low can I go! How low can I go! [ Water Splashes ] ['60s Pop ] [ Loud Shout ] [ Ends ]