The Simpsons Episode Scripts

5F21 - The Wizard of Evergreen Terrace

[ Chorus Singing ] [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] - 'Scuse me.

Pardon me.

'Scuse me.

- [ Grumbles ] - Hmm.

- Hey.

Hey, Springfield.

If you're driving,you may wanna sit down.

- [ Boing ] - Uh-oh.

Because it's time for Bill and Marty's 5:00 news ''flush.

'' - [ Toilet Flushing ] - [ Man Singing ] - Our topless story- - [ Boing ] President Clinton has launched a new Web site.

- Uh-oh.


Let me guess.

WWW dot- - [ Wolf Whistle ] - dot- - [ Boing ] [ Both Laughing ] [ Laughing ] ''Web site.

'' - [ Man ] Okay, here's another news ''flush.

'' - [ Toilet Flushing ] [ Man Singing ] Doctors say the life expectancy of the average man is now 76.

2 years.

[ Gasps ] - [ Tires Screeching ] - [ Horns Honking ] I've wasted half my life.

[ Man Singing ] Half my life gone and I'm only guaranteed [ Horns Honking ] Marge, I've wasted half my life.

[ Woman ] Sir, do you need a tow truck? - What are you talking about, Marge? I don't need a- - [ Tires Screeching ] Okay, send a truck.

- Oh.


- [ Marge ] Oh, honey.

Don't eat that.

Wouldn't you rather have your sugar bag? No, I don't deserve sugar.

I'm halfway to my grave, and I haven't accomplished anything.

Oh, I am not looking forward to my funeral.

[ Electricity Buzzing ] [ Beeping ] No, Homer wasn't a great man nor even an adequate man, and he certainly never accomplished anything.

Uh, President Lenny, you have anything to say? - Nah.

- All right.

Fair enough.

Toss 'im in the hole, boys.

There goes a real sack of crap.

Indubitably, old chum.

[ Growling ] [ Groans ] Marge no matter what happens in the future, promise me you won't vote for Lenny.

Okay, but you've accomplished a lot.

You've made me very happy.

Oh, yeah.

They'll put me on a stamp for that.

- [ Groans ] - I've wasted half my life, Marge.

You know how many memories I have? Three! Standing in line for a movie having a key made and sitting here talking to you.

Thirty-eight years and that's all I have to show for it.

- You're 39.

- [ Yelps ] [ Whimpers ] [ Groans ] - Hi, Dad.

How was work? - Cold.

Come on.

Let's get you into your favorite shirt.

[ All ] Surprise! Oh.

I see you're having a party.

I'll come back later.

You can't come back later because- [ All ] Homer Simpson, welcome to your life.

to your life.

The kids and I wanna show you all the great things you've done.

Oh, all right.

Maybe I can pinpoint where my life went wrong.

Quiet, Dad, or we'll have to throw you out of here.

[ Gasps ] The pictures! They're coming alive! [ Lisa ] There you are in outer space.

That's pretty impressive.


All we did was grow some space tomatoes and sabotage Mir.

[ Shouting In Russian ] 'Member when you almost became heavyweight champ? [ Crowd Cheering ] - [ Blows Landing ] - No.

Finish him.

Finish him! Well, there's certainly no greater accomplishment than fathering three beautiful children.


[ Laughing ] Oh, I should've punted.

Turn it off.

Turn it off.

Hang on, Dad.

This next part will definitely make you feel better about yourself.

- Hello, Homer.

It's me, KITT, from TV's Knight Rider.

- [ Gasps ] Your family has asked me to take time out from my busy schedule to invite you [ Voice Slowing Down ] to a very special- [ Indistinct ] [ Groaning ] Stupid movies.

Who invented these dumb things anyway? Was it you, Bart? - It was Thomas Edison, Dad.

- I thought he invented the lightbulb.

That too.

He also invented the phonograph, the microphone and the electric car.

No one man can do all that.

You're a liar, honey- a dirty, rotten liar.

Finish her! Finish her! It's true.

I read it on a place mat at a restaurant.

Really? A restaurant? Well, now I don't know what to think.


! Go.

! Go.

! Go.

! Go.

! Go.

! - Go! Go! Go! - Top of the world, Ma! - [ Homer ] Cut it out, boy.

- [ Screams, Grunts ] - Dad, what are you doin' here? - Readin' about this Edison character.

They won't let me in the big people library downtown.

There was some unpleasantness.

I can never go back.


Look at all the inventions Edison came up with.

The stock ticker the storage battery even wax paper.

And look at him dance.

[ Vocalizing ] [ Laughing ] That's great, Dad.

And these Hardy Boys books are great too.

- This one's about smugglers.

- They're all about smugglers.

No, not this one: The Smugglers of Pirate Cove.

It's about pirates.

'Scuse me.

Are you a student at this school? I think it's pretty obvious that I am.

Go school! So, this broad stands up in the ocean and this big wave knocks her bathing suit off.

Oh, yeah? And then what happened? Omit no detail, however small or filthy.

So anyway, and this is the part you'll remember for the rest of your lives- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Great story, Lenny.

But here's one that's even more spellbinding.

Once upon a time, there was a man named Thomas Edison and he invented the dictating machine and the fluoroscope and the repeating telegraph.

- [ Snoring ] - And he was a firm believer in Fletcherism and he played the organ and his favorite flower was the heliotrope.

Oh, and his middle name was Alva and he never, ever, ever wore pajamas.


I think we've been polite long enough here.

- Lenny, what happened with the dame in the bathing suit? - Huh? Oh.

Uh- Oh, nuts.

I forgot.

All I can think of now is Edison.

I can't even remember where I work.

Well, I remember where Edison worked.

It was Menlo Park.

That's where he came up with the tasimeter, the ore separator and- Uh,James Watt invented the steam engine.

That's boring.

You're boring everybody.

Quit boring everyone! And then he worked on a machine to communicate with the dead.

- [ Groans ] - Some kind of scary telephone, I guess.

- Maybe he planned to stick his head under the ground and yell.

- All right already! Everyone knows the man accomplished a lot.

Maybe because he didn't spend every waking moment talking about Thomas Edison.

Oh, that's where you're wrong, Marge.

He was a shameless self-promoter.

Well, you're not Thomas Edison.

Marge, that's it! That's why I haven't done anything with my life.

I need to be more like Thomas Edison.


And I'm starting right now.

No more lousy pajamas! [ Grunts ] From this day forward, I am an inventor! Do us a favor.

Invent yourself some underpants.

[ Whistling ] Ah.

Well, I quit my job just like you said to.

I didn't tell you to quit your job.

Yes, you did.

I remember your exact words.

You said I should quit my job and become an inventor, or you'd torch the house.

That doesn't sound like me.

Well, I suppose if this doesn't work out, you can always go back to the plant.

[ Chuckling ] Not the way I quit.


At my age, Edison had already invented 203 things.

Uh, I got a lot of work to do to catch up to him.

Let's see now.





Something electrical might be good.

[ Muttering ] Let me handle the creative end of this, Marge.

- You don't understand how the creative mind works like I do.

- Oh? You look at this table and what do you see? Just a table.

Now a creative person like me looks at this table and sees all kinds of creative things, but no tables.

Homer, that's not a table.

That's our dryer.

[ Shrieks ] My files! Hmm.


This isn't working.

I've gotta try a different approach.


Hmm? Hmm? Hmm? [ Grunts, Gasps ] [ Groans ] [ Coughing ] [ Sighs, Coughs ] You started smoking, Dad? Yes.

Thomas Edison smoked several cigars a day.

- Yeah, he invented stuff too.

- Shut up.

[ Grunting, Shouts ] As long as you're here annoying me, let's have a brainstorming session.

And here's how it works.

Lisa, you say one thing, then Bart, you say another.

Just toss out things and I'll use my inventive mind to combine them into a brilliant, original idea.


Um- - Automatic- - Butt.


- Fluorescent- - Booger.



Wait a minute.

These aren't exciting new products.

You're not even trying.

Okay, that's it.

Both of you go to your rooms and spank yourselves.

- Lazy father.

- Can't even spank his own kids.

Homer, you can't punish the children just because you can't come up with an idea.

- I don't see why not.

They're my kids.

I own 'em.

- [ Groans ] - Okay.

We own 'em.

- Hmm.

I brought you a tuna sandwich.

They say it's brain food.

I guess because there's so much dolphin in it and you know how smart they are.

[ Groans ] It's no use.

I can't work like this, cut off from the scientific community.

You stay here and guard my sandwich.

And these should give you the grounding you'll need in thermodynamics, hypermathematics and, of course, microcalifragilistics.

[ Babbles ] [ Groans ] Look, I just wanna know how to invent things.

Tell me.

Uh, all you have to do is think of things that people need but which don't exist yet.

- You mean like an electric blanket-mobile? - Uh, well, possibl- Or you could take something that already exists and find a new use for it.

Like- Hamburger earmuffs! Uh, well, I suppose that would qualify- Thanks, sucker! [ Stammering ] All right.

Just stay calm, Frinky.

These babies will be in the stores while he's still grappling with the pickle matrix.

[ Babbling ] [ Explosion ] Okay.

I have here the four greatest inventions in the history of mankind.

First, my all-purpose electric hammer for all your pounding needs.

[ Grunting ] Ow! - [ Muttering ] - [ Screeches ] - [ Crash ] - [ Santa's Little Helper Barks ] [ Yelping ] Probably needs to be more powerful.

I'll buy 1 0 of those right now.

Now, here's my ''Everything's Okay'' alarm.

- [ Alarm Blaring ] - [ Shouting ] This will sound every three seconds unless something isn't okay.

Turn that off, Homer.

- [ Alarm Continues ] - It can't be turned off.

[ Alarm Slows, Stops ] But it, uh, does break easily.

Now this next one's for the ladies.

How many times have you gals been late for a high-powered business meeting only to realize you're not wearing makeup? That's every woman's nightmare.

That's why I invented this revolutionary makeup gun.

It's for the woman who only has four-fifths of a second to get ready.

Close your eyes, Marge.

- And now you're ready for a night on the town.

- [ Gasps ] Homer, you've got it set on ''whore.

'' Uh, oop- Okay.

This time, try to keep your nostrils closed.

Oh, look what you did.

Now I have to go get my cold cream gun.

Dad, women won't like being shot in the face.

Women will like what I tell 'em to like.

Now here's something for everyone.

In the olden times, if you were watching TV and nature called you'd have to get up and walk to the bathroom.

It was the hardest thing in the world to do.

But now, with the Lazy Man Reclining Toilet Chair you can just lean back and let 'er rip.

You expect people to go to the bathroom in their living rooms? Sure.

Believe me, every man in America will want to have one.

[ Flushes ] - Gangway! Gotta poop.

- No, Bart! - Homer, all these inventions, they're- - Yes? - Oh-They're not very- - Yes? Yes? Yes? - They're terrible.

- What? I'm not saying you're a bad inventor.

I'm just saying these particular inventions are awful and no one in their right mind would buy them or accept them as gifts.

But this is the best I could do.

I guess I'm no better at being Thomas Edison than I was at being Homer Simpson.

Oh, dear.

I hope I wasn't too rough on him.

Somebody had to tell him, Mom.

In the long run, it's much kinder to- [ Clears Throat ] Do you mind? All week, my lifelong dream was to be the next Thomas Edison but now it's over.

I guess I'll just give up my hopes and dreams and settle for being a decent husband and father.

[ Grunting ] - Homer! - [ Together] Dad! [ Shouts ] Huh? - What happened? You didn't fall.

- Oh, that.

I stuck a couple extra legs on there 'cause I kept tipping over when I was trying to invent stuff.

They're on hinges.

That's really ingenious, Dad.

- It could save lives.

- Really? You think it's a good idea? Oh, yeah.

Safety sells, especially to lame-o's.

- I'd buy one.

- Me too.

[ All Cooing ] I did it! I'm gonna be rich! [ Humming ] Look, Mr.


I did it! I'm an inventor.

And I owe it all to you.

See? It's just a regular chair but I attached a couple of extra legs to the back kind of like the ones on the back of your- Oh, damn it! Hey, Dad.

Heard you swearin'.

Mind if I join in? Crap, boobs, crap! I thought I had a great idea but I must have seen it on this poster.

If Edison thought of that chair, how come it's not on this chart? It's not? Maybe he never told anyone about it.

- That chair might be the only one he made.

- So? So, we've got to go to the Edison Museum and smash it! Then I'll be an inventor.

- But I thought you loved Edison.

- Ah, the hell with him.

Yeah! Hell, damn, fart! - [ Tires Screeching ] - Taking Bart cross state lines.

Back soon.

I took your wallet.

! Oh, I just mopped that driveway.

Man, I can't wait to smash that chair.

[ Chuckling ] Oh, Son.

You're young and headstrong just like Thomas Edison Jr.

You know, he started a mushroom farm and an auto parts company and he sold his good name to a quack medicine company.

Oh, and later he raised turkeys.

That was on his turkey farm.

[ Snoring ] Hmm.



[ Muttering, Gasps ] - Stop, Homer! - [ Gasps ] By smashing my chair, you're only hurting yourself.

[ Growls ] [ Yelping, Grunts ] I'll get you, you fat lunatic! - [ Tires Screeching ] - Uh-oh.

[ Whimpering ] [ Panting ] All right! The museum's still open.

- Why don't you like Edison that much? - [ Grunts ] - Hey, folks.

Do you like riddles? - [ Chattering ] Okay, then.

How many geniuses does it take to invent a lightbulb? Just one: Thomas Edison.

- [ Laughter, Applause ] - That's very good.

And that's true too.

It's funny and true.

Now behind that door is Edison's actual preserved brain.

[ Gasping ] Ordinarily, folks, tour groups are not allowed to see it - and, of course, today will be no exception.

- [ Groaning ] Now no tour would be complete without a visit to Edison's boyhood gift shop.

[ Chattering ] [ Chattering Continues ] Now let's take care of business.

Out of the way.

This is one invention you're not getting credit for, you inspiration hog.

Your electric hammer, maestro? Invent your way out of this, Edison! Hmm? Hmm.

[ Gasps ] Look, Son.

Edison was just like me.

You mean the wild mood swings? No! We both lived in another man's shadow.

This old-timey nerd and I have suffered the same frustration and heartache.

We're not rivals.

We're just a couple of dreamers who set the bar a little too high.

- I can't destroy your work, my friend.

- Can I? No, but we'll stop off at the da Vinci museum on the way home.

Uh, I think that's in Italy, Dad.


Well, then we'll take it out on Eli Whitney.

Authorities say the phony pope can be recognized by his high-top sneakers and incredibly foul mouth.

In other news, Thomas Edison, the greatest inventor of all time- - [ Both Gasp ] - is apparently still inventing despite the notable handicap of being dead.

That's my Tommy! [ Brockman ] Two new Edison creations have just been discovered in his museum.

- A six-legged chair that won't tip over- - [ Applause ] and even more astounding, an electric hammer.

- [ Applause ] - [ Camera Shutters Clicking ] That was your idea.

This brilliant innovation is expected to generate millions - for Edison's already-wealthy heirs.

- [ Laughing ] Dad, those should be your millions.

I gotta admit, Homer.

You're takin' this pretty well.

Let's just say I'm sitting in the right chair.

- [ Murmuring ] - Shh!