The Simpsons Episode Scripts

AABF14 - Simpsons Bible Stories

[ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ Homer, Bart Scream ] And as we pass the collection plate please give as though the person next to you were watching.

[ Groans, Sighs ] Oh, man.

This is the hottest Easter ever.

Even that praying mantis is losing it.

[ Groaning ] Thank you, Helen.

And thank you all for your kind contrib- [ Gasps ] A chocolate bunny? Who put this wicked idol in the collection plate? - [ Congregation Gasps ] - Relax.

I found it in the Dumpster.

Perhaps we need a hefty dose of the good book.

[ Marge Groans ] ''In the beginning''- Excuse me, Reverend.

It's hard to hear you with those fans going.

- Well, let's get those off then.

- [ Homer Groans ] ''In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth.

'' - Which brings us back to our- - [ Snores ] Ooh.

Ooh! [ Animals Purring, Calling ] What a beautiful garden.

- It's almost like paradise.

- [ Homer ] Heads up.

! Whee! [ Grunts ] [ Gasps ] - Well, hello.

- Aren't you hurt? Of course not.

There's no pain in the Garden of Eden.

Hey, you must be Eve.

Mmm, I guess.

Looks like God made you out of my sexiest rib.

[ Growls ] - Speaking of ribs, is there any grub around here? - Is there! Good morning, Adam.

Any bacon for you then? Don't mind if I do.

[ Ned ] Hi-diddly-ho, paradise dwellers! - [ Gasps ] - Good morning, Lord.

I just have to compliment you on this beautifully crafted mate.

- Oh, Adam, you're too kind.

- No, you're too kind and wise and righteous.

I can't believe you don't have a girlfriend.

[ Chuckles ] Oh, please! You're gonna give me a swelled head.

I just stopped by to see if you needed anything.

Well, some general-interest magazines would be nice.

You got it, Eve.

- There you go.

- Oh, thanks.

Well, I better skedaddle.

Oh, there's one more weensy little thing.

See that tree over there? I hate to be a bossy Betty See that tree over there? I hate to be a bossy Betty but I have to forbid you to eat its fruit.

No problem, Lord.

And it would be even easier to avoid that temptation if I had a few extra wives.

- [ Groans ] - I'm just sayin'.

- [ Chittering ] - Oh, how cute.

Let's call this little guy a groundhog.

- Sorry, I already gave him a name: land monster.

- Really? Well, what do you call that thing on the branch? - [ Hisses ] - Branch monster.

[ Snake ] Please, please, call me Snake.

Yo, have you dudes sampled this fruit? It's, like, God's private stash.

But he said it was forbidden.

Quite so, mum.

I recall one of the dinosaurs had a bite.

And, well, that was the last of- Egad! Please stop eating that.

God's going to be furious.

You're pretty uptight for a naked chick.

You know what would loosen you up? A little fruit.

Mmm, well, it is a sin to waste food.

And you keep saying we need to do things together.


- Mmm! This could really spice up those pies I've been making.

- [ Thunderclap ] - [ Ned ] What the dickens? - [ Gasps ] Eve, did you taste of the forbidden fruit? - Ohh.

- [ Whistling ] Yes, God.

Doggone it, Eve.

I think you'd better hightail it out of this garden! Adam, say something! Uh, um- Uh, I think we should see other people.

- You heard me.

Vamoose! - [ Gasps ] [ Groans ] [ Whines ] Oh! Usually a mink massage makes me feel better.

But something's missing now.

I didn't say stop.

Lovely day in paradise, isn't it? Yeah.

Just like yesterday.

Today I'm featuring mouthwatering pork ribs.

Tuck in then.

[ Sloshing, Snapping ] Oh.

I gave a rib to Eve, and now she's gone forever.

One whole rib and still standing.

Well, aren't you the plucky one, sir? - Come on! - Oh, poor Eve.

What are you doing out there in that horrible place? I'm toiling.

What does it look like? Oh, this is my fault.

I should have stood up for you during that whole ''Applegate'' thing.

Well, it's a little late for apologies now.

Don't say that.

Maybe I can sneak you back in.

I mean, God can't be everywhere at once, right? [ Whistling, Scatting ] Somebody order a hole? Ooh, that's a tight squeeze.

- [ Gasping ] - Oh, thank you.

- Are you okay? - I'll be fine.

Just give me a second to- [ Groans ] - [ Gasps ] - [ Homer ] Come on, Eve.

! Hurry.

! [ Grunting ] Oh, my dear sweet Eve.

I love you even more than the butterscotch pond or the porno bush.

[ Thunderclap ] - So! This is how you repay me, Adam! - [ Gasps ] - [ Both Groan ] - And after I created my fingers to the bone for you.

I- [ Gasps, Screams ] My unicorn! Oh, what have they done to you, Gary? Oh, there, there.

I'm sure he's gone to a better place, Lord.

Oh, shut up! You are so banished.

Hey, now let's not do anything rash.

God is love, right? - [ Screams ] - God, you have every right to flick me out too.

But before you- [ Screams ] Oh, my back! So this must be that pain thing.

[ Groans ] Oh, yeah.

Definitely pain.

[ Animal Howling In Distance ] This sucks.

Things were so much better back in the garden.

I'm sure God will let us return soon.

I mean, how long can he hold a grudge? - [ Reverend Lovejoy ] ''Forever- - Hmm? ''and ever and ever, a''- And that concludes Genesis the first of the 66 books of the Bible.

[ Clears Throat ] Moving on to Exodus- [ Groaning ] [ Laughing, Chattering ] And Abraham begat Isaac, and Isaac begatJacob and who did he beget? [ Blows Note ] All right.

Let's go, you wee Israelites.

Back to slavin'.

[ All Groan ] [ Groaning ] Man, captivity blows.

- Talk to the whip.

[ Grunts ] - [ Yelps ] [ Whinnying ] On your knees, ya mugs! It's the pharaoh! Ah, excellent progress, Slave Driver Willie.

- Kudos on your whipping.

- Oh, he noticed! Ay! Suffering sarcophagus! My tomb! - Who did this? - [ Chuckles ] Come on, confess.

Don't make me slay all the firstborn males again.

Bart did it.

I saw him do it.

Take him away, boys.

No! The bush set me up! As for the rest of you, it's time for a little discipline.

Slave Driver, put away the encouragement whip and break out the cruel whip.

[ All Gasp, Murmur] - [ Grunts ] - [ All Yelp ] Heh! That's the new omni-lash, boys.

-Just look at that snapback.

- Yeah, it's sweet.

We can't keep living like this.

Moses, ask Pharaoh to let your people go.

Oh, now they're my people.

Scrub harder, slave! I want to be able to eat off that thing! And make it snappy.

It's almost lunchtime.

I think Moses here has something to ask you.

Go! - Uh, let my people go.

- Let your people go? I've never heard such insolence! You call yourselves slaves? [ Both Groaning ] Well, the ball's in his court now.

All right, read me back what I have so far, Mrs.


''Bird, bird, giant eye, pyramid, bird.

'' Mm-hmm.

Very good.

Uh, giant eye, dead fish, cat head, cat head, cat head guy doing this- - [ Croaking ] - What? What the- - Keep that plague coming, Moses.

- Frogs away! [ Laughing ] We spent all our money, but it was worth it.

Now he's gotta let us go! Mmm.

Mmm! These are the juiciest frogs I've ever eaten.

Mmm! Ra has rewarded my cruelty to the slaves.

It's a plague, you moron! And we got lots more planned.

And there's nothing you can do about it! - [ Both Scream ] - So long, kids.

Give my regards to the British Museum.

[ Chuckles ] [ Both Screaming ] [ Both Grunt ] Do you think we could ever be more than just friends? Not now, Moses! We gotta find a way outta here.

I know we built a secret passage in here somewhere.

I found it! We're outta here! Uh-oh.

[ Gasping ] [ Together] Help! Eh, slave labor.

You get what you pay for.

- Whee! - Whoo! - Whee! - [ Blows ] [ All ] Huh? Our time has come! Follow me to freedom! - [ Cheering ] - [ Blows ] [ Continues ] Hey, Pharaoh, those half-pint slaves are ''exodusing'' as we speak.

Well, I say good riddance to bad rubbish.


But who's gonna build your pyramids? Well, we cou-After them! [ Sighs ] We'll never be able to swim that far.

[ Whinnying ] - Oy, caramba.

! - Screw this! I'm converting! Save us, O mighty Ra! Hey, cut that out! I have an idea.

All right, Moses.

Lead your people! Flush! [ Toilets Flushing ] It's a miracle! I performed a miracle! I'm a genius! Yeah, yeah.

Hurry, everyone! We don't have much time! After them, men, into the temporarily dry sea.

- Aw, nuts.

- [ Horses Whinnying ] [ Gasping ] - [ Skinner ] Oh.

! - Hey, Chief.

He splashed me! Look, nobody likes a crybaby, okay? You just splash him back.

[ Cheering ] Well, Lisa, we're out of Egypt.

So, what's next for the Israelites? Land of milk and honey? Hmm.

Well, actually it looks like we're in for 40 years of wandering the desert.

Forty years? But after that, it's clear sailing for theJews, right? Uhh- [ Quavering ] More or less.

Hey, is that manna? [ Cheering ] Now we come to King Solomon, whose wisdom was like a drill boring into the rock of injustice.




[ Yawns ] King Solomon, these men need you to settle a dispute.

They each claim ownership of this pie.


The pie shall be cut in two.

And each man shall receive death.

- [ Gasps ] - I'll eat the pie.

Okay, next up- ''Jesus Christ versus Checker Chariot.

'' - Ow.

Dad, you're sitting on my arm.

- [ Grunts ] ''And after David smote Goliath ''the people crowded into the temple- - [ Wheezing ] - ''where a cool breeze blew not.

And their hearts were filled with crankiness.

'' - [ Groans ] - And once again- [ Harp ] I'm bored.

Send in my jester.

Hey, hey, King David! [ Chuckles ] How ya doin'? Now, I'm not saying Jezebel's easy but before she moved to Sodom it was known for its pottery.

- [ Laughs ] - What else you got? Well, wait a minute.

I got something on the Canaanites.


They are so stupid- [ Groaning ] [ Crowd Gasps ] Methuselah, my oldest friend, who did this to you? Oh, it was Goliath.

But Goliath is dead.

I smote him myself.

I ''smoted'' him good.

No, it was his son, Goliath II.

[ Grunts ] No-o-o! Goliath II is gonna pay.

And this time it's biblical.

I'll just give Goliath II the old rock to the head applause, applause, you gotta believe in yourself, stay in school, and we're outta here.

- I don't know, Davey.

- Quiet, you.

- Oh, you've gotten pretty fat, Davey.

- [ Thudding ] [ Gasps ] Let's get it on! See ya later, Davey.

You killed my best friend! [ All ] Ooh-hoo! You killed my father, who was like a best friend! [ All ] Ooh-hoo! All I need is my trusty sling and one good, hard, um- Say, how's tomorrow for you? [ Gasps ] [ Groaning ] - [ Groans ] - What say you now, Goliath? Without your precious hair, you no longer possess your fantastic strength! - That's Samson, idiot! - [ Gulps ] [ Frightened Yelps ] [ All Gasp ] Let my proclamation go out across the land: - Ha-ha! - [ All ] Ha-ha! [ Screams ] Oh.

I hope this doesn't get into the Bible.

You're King David.

I love you, 'cause you kill people.

Get yourself another hero, kid.

I'm all washed up.

[ Grunts ] Well, I guess it's up to Ralph to stop Goliath.

[ Sheep Bleating ] [ Humming ] Goliath II is really gonna pay! Get ready to meet the first action hero.

- [ Bleats ] - Wow.

- ['80s Rock ] - [ Grunting ] [ Grunts ] Ow! [ Ends ] All right.

It's giant-slaying time.

- [ Groaning ] - Oops.

- [ Shouts, Grunts ] - Crap.

[ Groans ] How am I supposed to get up there? [ Burps ] Jonah! Oh! You died the way you lived- inside a whale.

[ Gasps ] Hmm.

[ Grunting ] I trampled four giant-slayers today.

I think I earned this.

Don't you know smoking stunts your growth? Well, well, well, if it isn't the little prince.

I'm not afraid of you, Goliath.

Before, I was arrogant.

But now my heart is humbled.

And my spirit is- [ Groaning, Whimpering ] What do you know? A king fit for a meal.

Hope I don't give you heartburn! [ Grunts ] [ Gulps ] [ Screams ] [ Groaning ] Huh? Great news, everyone.

Goliath is dead! Although I haven't seen his body, the blast that failed to kill me surely killed the giant.

Anyhoo, now that I'm your king again- [ Shouts ] [ Screams ] - [ Crunching ] - [ Screams ] [ Thuds ] - Ralph, I thought you were dead.

- Nope! Rejoice, good people.

! Goliath the Terrible shall rule no more.

! - But Goliath was the greatest king we ever had.

- Wha- He built roads, hospitals, libraries.

To us he was Goliath the Consensus Builder.

- You're under arrest for ''megacide.

'' - [ Whines ] - [ Grunts ] - Where's your messiah now? [ All Laughing ] - [ Groans, Gasps ] - [ Snoring ] - Mmm.


- Huh? [ Clears Throat ] [ Gasps ] Everyone's gone.

Oh, how embarrassing.

Ooh, we slept right through church.

Eh, it's not the end of the world.

[ All Gasping ] [ All Laughing ] Oh, no! It's the apocalypse! - Bart, are you wearing clean underwear? - Not anymore.

It's the rapture! And I never knew true love.

I never used those pizza coupons! [ Angelic Vocalizing ] - Why aren't we ascending into heaven? - [ Rumbling ] Oh, right.

The sins.

Wha- Ohh! - Where do you think you're going, missy? - Dad! [ All Scream ] [ Sniffing ] Ooh! I smell barbecue! [ Giggling ] Hey, look! [ Screams ] Oh, they're out ofhot dogs.

! And the coleslaw has pineapple in it.

! [ Screams ] German potato salad.

! [ Hard Rock ] [ Hard Rock ] [ Ends ] - [ Murmuring ] - Shh!