The Simpsons Episode Scripts

AABF11 - I'm With Cupid

[ Chorus Singing ] [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] And then the handsome prince realized.

he had to go to the bathroom really bad.

But the evil ogre- Barney- had left the men's room in the most wicked condition.

So the prince went out back to the enchanted alley- That's not a fairy tale.

It's just something that happened to you at Moe's.

Shh, shh, shh! Anyway, the prince passed out for 1 00 years until he was awakened by the kiss of a noble raccoon.

And thank you, God, for the bad things adults do which distract attention from stuff I'm doing.

- Amen.

- He's also thankful for your bounty, Lord.

- Good save, Mom.


- Sweet dreams, honey.

Uh, Mom? Will you help me with my project? I need to make a working model of the digestive system.

- Of course, honey.

- Thanks.

It's due tomorrow.

Tomorrow? Well, that's too bad, mister.

I'm not gonna bail you out this time.

You're right, Mom.

I understand.

All right.

I'll get you the materials.

- But you're building it! - Okay.

Oh, I'll make the whole thing! [ Apu ] Okay.

Papier-mache mix, pipe cleaners pig intestines and sparkle paint.

You're a lifesaver, Apu.

- All the other stores are closed.

- [ Gasps ] At 1 1 :30? But this is the peak hour for stoned teenagers buying shiny things.

Whoa! It's a living mirror.

Cool hat! Well, I'm glad you're always here.

But isn't it a little rough on your marriage? You know, Manjula understands.

I told her that endless toil is the only true path out of this jerkwater burg.

Well, when you have a free night, we'd love to have you two over for dinner.

Oh, please.

Do not be insane.

You hosted our wedding.

The least we can do is have you over for dinner.

It is payback time, and this time it's personal.

[ Grunts ] Wow.

! That looks great, Mom.

Some of your best work.

- [ Gurgling ] - Oh! It sounds so real.

I didn't turn it on yet.

[ Gurgling Continues ] Oh.

! I'm never eatin' chili again.

Ooh, chili! Nelson, what are you doing? I'm solving world hunger.

Hey, you're wrecking it! What the- Look out! It's gonna blow! [ All Screaming ] - [ Explodes ] - [ All Groaning ] - I hope you're happy, Nelson.

- Very.

But I can't help wondering where I go from here.

Stop worrying, Apu.

The Kwik-E-Mart is in good hands.

I am not checking up on you, Sanjay.

I am simply asking you how many pennies you have left.

[ Gasps ] Seven? I'll be right there.

No, he won't.

Apu's entertaining tonight.

If you need pennies, take them from Jerry's jar.

- Oh! - This is why I married you.


What an outfit.

- You are one ma-hot mama.

- You think so? I could not let you in the store like that because you are smoking.

Oh! Apu.

- [ Both Moaning ] - [ Doorbell Rings ] Maybe we should not answer it, huh? - [ Door Opens ] - Door's unlocked.

Oh! Marge, Homer.


- Yes, welcome.

- What a lovely home.

Oh, you are too kind, Marge.

I am sure you have noticed the many small imperfections that fill me with shame.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

If anything, your home makes me ashamed of my home.

- Well, let us just say we both feel bad.

- Deal.

Who is your favorite Indian pop singer? Oh, don't make me choose.

Shankar, Shankar- Oh, here we go.

- [ Man Singing Rapidly ] - Oh! Sorry.

[ Man Singing ] Good rice, good curry, good Gandhi, let's hurry.

Mmm! This is delicious.

- What's in it? - Chickpeas, lentils and rice.

- And what's in this? - Chickpeas and lentils.

- Try it with rice.

- I'm so glad we were able to get together.

Well, you know how hard it is to pry these two away from work.

[ Snickers ] Oh, yeah.

Homer's a real go-getter.

[ Laughs ] Yeah.

I'm going right to the top.

- [ Both Laughing ] - [ Pager Beeping ] Hmm.

What's an ''eltdown''? Eh.

I don't understand, Marge.

- Doesn't Homer work a standard 1 8-hour day? - Eighteen hours? - Nobody works that hard.

- [ Clears Throat ] Mm-mmm! - Mm-mmm.

! - But he does work every day, right? Well, pretty much, except weekends.

Week-ends? Uh, say, who's up for a game of''keneshkanup''? [ Forced Chuckle ] You told me it was an American tradition to work all the time and never see your wife! Yes.

Perhaps I stretched the truth a bit.

But the Kwik-E-Mart, she is a harsh mistress.

I think you just don't want to see me! Maybe we should just close the door.

[ Speaking Foreign Language ] - [ Arguing Continues ] - Maybe we should leave.


No way.

I don't wanna miss a word.

- You don't know what they're saying.

- I'm picking it up.

''Sala'' seems to mean ''jerk'' and I think ''Manjula'' means some kind of spaceship.

Uh, this could take a while, folks.

Thank you.

Come again.

I hope we didn't get Apu in too much trouble.

Oh, they're newlyweds.

They'll just talk things out and top it off with some lovin'.

- Oh, dear.

- Hmm! - [ Flipping Pages In Book ] - [ Tires Screeching ] - [ Horn Honking ] - Either put that book down, or let me drive! Hey, they stole our idea.

See? Look.

- [ Marge ] Ooh.

! - [ Tires Screeching ] ''I cherish you, my precious.

'' Mmm- Nah.

''To a heck of a blacksmith.

'' Nah.

I already got him one.

''You're a-peeling.

Let's never split!'' [ Laughing ] That's funny, 'cause they're monkeys.

[ Laughing Continues ] So long, rejects.

[ Grunting ] Stupid cards.

[ Grunts ] Morning, Apu.

Still in hot water with the squaw? Worse than ever, I am afraid.

My shameful neglect has made her feel unloved.

Now I fear she will leave me.

Oh, she's not gonna leave you right before Valentine's Day.

That would be like going to an air show and leaving before the plane crash.

[ Gasps ] Oh, you are right.

There are still seven days before Valentine's.


Seven chances to prove my love for sweet Manjula.

[ Moaning ] Sweet mint julep.

I'll be at Moe's.

- [ Door Sensor Dings ] - Hmm.

[ Growling ] Come on, boy.

Come on.

! Dad, the vet says we shouldn't make him fetch the Sunday paper.

- [ Whimpers ] - Good dog! Good doggie! ''Tax Hike Approved''? Bad dog.

Bad, bad dog.

[ Whimpering ] Now to trim away the fat.

''Outlook?'' Eh! ''Vista?'' No.

''Spotlight?'' Eh! ''Mosaic?'' Eh! I'd love to look at ''Scullery Week'' if you're through with it.

Oh, sorry, Marge.

That's in my stockpile.

You can have this.

- This is about investment opportunities in Yemen.

- Give me that! All right! The personals.


[ Humming ] ''Successful mayor type seeks open-minded discreet cheerleader type.

'' - Oh, that's sweet.

- Oh, here's one.

- ''Desperately seeking suction''- - Hey, look at this one! [ Gasps ] It's a poem.

[ Gasps ] From Apu! Well, don't just gasp.

Read it.

''My darling bride Manjula ''I hereby mend my ways.

''I'll shower you with valentines for seven love-filled days!'' Oh, how romantic.

I used to take out ads like that when we were newlyweds.

The only ad you took out was to sell our lawn mower.

We sold it, didn't we? - [ Grunts ] - [ Grunts ] Until last night, I never knew Apu could be so romantic.

I can't believe it.

He covered your whole bed with wildflowers? Oh, I'm sure Homer has done that for you.

Well, sometimes I find pickle slices in the sheets.

And he says I've got six more surprises coming.

I feel like the luckiest woman in Springfield.

- [ Screeching ] - [ Screams ] - Oh! - [ Singing ] - [ Continues ] - Oh! He has trained a bird to sing to me.

Limo out front.

Tickets to opera, front row loge.

Oh!Just once I'd like a parrot to say that to me.

Then the bird sang ''I Love the Nightlife'' with clever new lyrics.


I hate that song.

I do too.

But it was sweet.

Women really like that sort of thing, Homie.

Don't worry, honey.

I got something really special planned for Valentine's Day.

It's not that monkey card I found in the car, is it? Wouldn't you like to know.

[ Groans ] A chocolate husband! Oh, how darling.

[ Apu ] Help.

! I can't breathe.

! - [ Gasping ] - Oh! Apu! Oh, you are the sweetest filling of all.


I need air.

- Oh, Apu.

- Oh, Lord, my ears are filled with nougat! - Oh, dear! Oh, no.

- There's a nut in my eye.

''So then the second salesman says, 'That's okay.

I just ate all the hot buttered corn.

''' [ Snickering ] - You like that one, baby? - [ Groans ] Sarah, what's wrong? Usually, after two or three ''Truly Tasteless Jokes,'' you're all over me.

Manjula got to see La Boheme.

Sarah, please! Sarah, it's $1 0 a pill.

And so with Valentine's Day one day away all eyes are on the local Romeo whose seven-day gift-a-thon has been delighting his wife and ''entroubulating'' the rest of us.

Reverend Timothy Lovejoy says he's counseled a number of disenchanted wives, including Maude Flanders.

[ Chuckling ] Everybody's marriage is falling apart except ours.

See, the problem's communication.

Too much communication.

Homer, I've gone through seven years of receipts and you've spent less on gifts for me than you have on temporary tattoos.

But, Marge, it's worth it.

Look! The Taco Bell dog! Yo quiero- Hey, where'd it go? Here, boy! [ Whimpering ] You just don't get it.

[ Door Slams Shut ] - This Valentine's crap has gone too far! - [ Shouts Of Affirmation ] Edna won't even let me clap her erasers.

My Barbara will no longer pleasure me with the French arts! The gal I'm stalkin' had me bumped back to 200 feet.

- Aw, Moe! - That's too far.

! And ask yourselves, people, who's to blame for all this? Well, I guess we are.

I suppose I do take Maude for granted.

- Yeah, I've done some of that myself.

- Will you stop it! It's easy to blame ourselves but it's even easier to blame Apu! - He's making us look bad! - [ Shouts Of Affirmation ] - [ Horse Whinnying ] - What's going on out there? Aw, geez.

He's got everything but the Shriners.

[ Horns Beeping ] Hey, watch it! You're all over the road! - We gotta stop that traitor Apu.

- [ Shouts Of Affirmation ] - Right after happy hour! - [ Shouts Of Affirmation ] - [ Barney ] I call side seat! - [ Moe ] Drinking will help us plan.

Come on, Apu.

Make your move.

- Maybe he's run out of romantic ideas.

- No, no, not our lover boy.

If I know his M.


, he's saved the biggest one for today.

Aw, gee.

The man's just trying to show his wife he cares for her.

- How can we sabotage his labor of love? - I don't know.

Gasoline, axes.

I got some stuff in the trunk.

- Hey, there he goes! - Let's roll! - Uh, Homer, you're driving.

- Not yet I'm not! You'll know when I'm driving! And it'll- [ Screams ] Tiffany's, eh? It looks like Smoochie's gonna seal the deal with a diamond the size of a doll's head.

Aw, man.

He's making us look like a bunch of cheapskates.

Whoa, whoa! My rope came loose.

[ Wiggum ] There he is behind that shopping bag.

A croissant? What the- Oh, that's right.

- They have breakfast at Tiffany's now.

- Only till 1 1 :00.

[ No Audible Dialogue ] So that's it.

The crazy nut, he went and bought her a sloop! Well, this is one love boat that won't delight and amuse.

Wait, Chief.

He's not purchasing a boat.

Arr! It's kind of you to deliver these copies of Jugs.

They'll keep my men from resorting to homosexuality for about 1 0 minutes.

[ All Laughing ] - Look who's talkin'.

- Arr.

Well, this is turning out to be a total waste of time.

Not entirely.

Aw, geez.

We've been following him for hours.

You know, with all the energy we're putting into this sabotage thing we could've written sonnets for our wives or learned to tango or lovingly restored one of those antique- Oh! [ Sighs ] Whew! Well, at least I got a hunk of Moe's hair.

Man, that smarts! Oh, baby! We got him now! There's no escape from the airport.

Oh, nuts! We lost him.

I told you we shouldn't have gone for long-term parking.

Hey, look! It's Elton John! We had to make an emergency landing.

It's that damn chandelier again.

- [ Electricity Crackling ] - [ Both Gasping ] What's he doing in Springfield? I got it.

I got it! Apu must've hired him to sing for Manjula.

Not if I can help it, and help it I might.


John, I'm your biggest fan.

I've tape-recorded all your songs off the radio.

Oh, that's very sweet.

- Have a Grammy.

- Uh- Sir Elton, my noble friends and I would like to dub you a Knight of the Grand Concourse.

Yeah, it's for all your charity work and, um for, uh, you know, teaching us, um, to love again.

Really? I did that? How the hell should I know? Just get in the cage.

What- Oh.

Hazing the new guy, eh? You know, when I was dubbed Sir Elton, the queen paddled me silly.

Hey, Apu's talkin' to a skywriter! So that was his plan all along.

If he writes a message of love over Springfield, we're all screwed.

Hello? Lads, don't forget your old pal Elton.

Can anyone hear me? Skycap? Okay, here is the message.

And please don't skimp on the- ''Sarin''? [ Chuckling ] Don't be frightened.

That tank's just peace corps surplus.

- Not so fast, Apu.

! - Homer.

What a delightful coincidence.

We're puttin' an end to your insane Valentine's rampage.

Never again will good, lazy men have to-What the- Oh, no, you don't! [ Gasping ] Hey, you with the scarf, stop skywriting! I have to deliver a message.

It's the skywriters' code.

I am so sick of that damn code! - [ Gasps ] - If you won't stop, then I'll stop you! - [ Grunting ] - What are you doin'? Don't do that! [ Marge ] Aw.

! Isn't that sweet? [ Sighs ] That must be for Manjula.

Just once I'd like a love note in the sky.

[ Chuckles ] [ Grunting ] Lousy message! Don't, you crazy fool! You'll kill us all! Correction: Kill us both! [ Grunting Continues ] ''I love you''- It's an angel.

! Oh, that's Neddie's pet name for me.

''I love you''- Poppin' Fresh.

Oh, Clancy! [ Chuckles ] ''I love you''- Edna K.

It's a little run together, but that's what it says! ''I love you''- Cactus? Blobbie? Upsilon? Oh, who am I kidding? Homer would never surprise me like that.

- [ Plane Passing Overhead ] - Doggone it! You ruined my message! Ow! What's the matter with you, you crazy old buzzard? Get off me! You're making me mad! Ooh-wee! My humble love note is turning into a Valentine's Day massacre.

You think you've got problems? I just chewed my way out of a dog carrier.

[ Gasps ] Elton John? That's my name.

Well, not really.

- I hate to sound like a screaming fan, but- - [ Both Scream ] That maniac nearly killed us! Shall I take you to the pilot? [ Chuckles ] You see, because that is your song.

- I heard you.

- Yes, because someone saved your life tonight.

- [ Laughing ] - Cut it out! Well, well, the bitch is back.

- [ Laughing ] - Oh! [ Homer Screaming ] [ Groaning ] Oh, geez! Darn it! Why won't you die? [ Gasping ] Prickers! [ Screaming ] Huh? [ Gasps ] [ Grunting ] What? What in the world- [ Sighing ] Roses.

So many roses.

Just when I think I have you figured out, you fall from the sky with roses.

- Roses.

- Oh, Homie.

Oh, they're beautiful.

Oh, I'm gonna snuggle your brains out.

Well, I think I have a collapsed lung, but okay.

[ Elton John Singing ] Oh.

Oh, I can't believe it.

You closed the Kwik-E-Mart just for me.

Well, you and the health inspector.

[ Chuckles ] - Champagne Squishy? - Oh, thank you.

It should get you pretty darned hammered.

- [ Murmuring ] - Shh!