The Simpsons Episode Scripts

AABF09 - Homer to the Max

[ Chorus Singing ] [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ Humming ] [ Man Announcing ] The start of television's second-most exciting season- mid-season- is just 200 exciting seconds away! - Door? - Locked.

- Phone? - Unplugged.

- Dog? Cat? - Taped and corked.

- Ooh! - [ Homer, Bart Laughing ] [ Announcer ] And at 9:30, All in the Family 1 999.

Oh, geez there.

They got me livin' with an African-American a Semite-American and a woman-American there! And I'm glad! I love youse all! I love everybody! I wish I'd saved my money from the first show.

Oh, I can't wait.

Look, Marge.

I had a scorecard printed up at that all-night scorecard place.

Isn't mid-season just a dumping ground for second-rate shows that weren't good enough for the fall schedule? You're thinking of all the other years.

This year's shows are classics.

There's The Laughter Family.

That's animated.

Networks like animation 'cause they don't have to pay the actors squat! [ Altered Voice ] Plus they can replace them, and no one can tell the diddly-ifference.

[ Announcer] And now mid-season kicks off with Admiral Baby.

Yee-hee-hee! We're taking the entire 6th Fleet to Candy Island? - Those are the admiral's orders.

- [ Babbling ] [ Canned Laughter] [ Groans ] It's hard to believe someone that young could have risen to the rank of admiral.

Gee! I never thought I'd say this about a TV show but this is kind of stupid.

Hey! Police Cops.

That sounds like a lethal combination.

Let's get this bank back to our hideout, and we'll break into it later.

- [ Siren Wailing ] - It's the cops! Worse.

The police cops.

[ Grunting ] [ Shouts ] [ Screams ] - This isn't bad.

- Isn't bad? Tell me one thing mankind's ever done that's any better.

- The Renaissance.

- This is better.

- [ Grunts ] - Let's book 'em and roll.

And that's the end of that chapter.

You men saved my bank.

[ Chuckles ] I'd like to donate $40 to charity in your honor.

But, uh, I don't know your names.

- Lance Kaufman.

- Simpson.

Detective Homer Simpson.

[ Gasps ] His name's like my name! - [ Giggling ] - Ooh! [ Chuckling ] I don't get it, Homer.

You're a millionaire, and you've got all the babes you want.

Why aren't you living it up in your palace in Europe? Well, let's just say I hate crime.

- [ Groaning ] - [ Gunshot ] - [ Grunts ] - [ Gasps ] Arrest that guy.

And that's the end of that chapter.

Wow! They've captured my personality perfectly.

- Did you see the way Daddy caught that bullet? - That's not really you, Dad.

He's just a fictional character who happens to have the same name.

Don't confuse Daddy, Lisa.

Homer, it's just a coincidence like that guy named Anthony Michael Hall who stole your car stereo.



[ Rings ] Another person wants to congratulate you for having a famous name.


Yes, this is the original Homer Simpson.

Who's this? The Debbie Pinson, who was the homecoming queen in high school? Yes, I'm still available.

No, he's not! Marge, that was Debbie Pinson! Debbie Pinson! - No dating! - [ Groans ] -[ Bird Cawing ] - Hey, Homer.

Homer, check it out! - Bottom of page 1 2.

- ''Local man has same name.

''A TV character has the same name as Springfield resident Homer Simpson.

'' - Hey, you're famous! - And that's the end of that chapter.

- [ Chuckling ] - Wow! Mr.

Simpson, sir, can I get your autograph? - All right.

What's the name? - Homer, we've worked together for 1 0 years.

It's Carl.

You only wrote my name.

Um, I wanted yours.

Take it or leave it, ''Carl.

'' So, uh, what kind of adventure you gonna be involved in tonight, Homer? Mmm.

Who knows? Maybe I'll have to foil an assassination.

Or stop a peace conference.

So they really based that Homer Simpson character on you, huh? Yup.

Right down to the scarf.

- [ Crowd Gasping ] - [ Moe ] Ooh, there it is.

! [ Dramatic Music On TV] [ Grunts ] Nice beating, Lance.

Especially around the eyes.

It- Say, where's your partner? Where's Homer Simpson? Coming, Chief!.

[ Gasping ] Oh.

! Now what have you done, Simpson? I was supervising the Guns for Toys program.

It's Toys for Guns.

! Now you tell me.

Oh! Simpson! [ Laughing ] Hey, what's goin' on? That guy's not Homer Simpson.

He's fat and stupid.

Hey, looks like they changed the character into a bumbling sidekick.


No, he can't be! I know.

Maybe he's just acting stupid to infiltrate a gang of international idiots.

Yeah, th-that's gotta be it.

You destroyed that drug shipment? Yes, indeedy! - That was my insulin! - Uh-oh, SpaghettiOs! - [ Chief] Simpson! - [ Groans ] Hey, Homer.

That character is you all over.

Come on, Homer.

Act all stupid, like you do on TV.

Yeah, come on, dum-dum.

Do something unintelligent there.

- [ Laughing ] - Shut up! I'm not your clown! Don't diminish me! Gentlemen, I bid you fare- [ Gasps ] - [ Shouting ] - [ Laughing ] - [ Blubbering, Screams ] -[ Tires Screech, Crashing ] [ Homer ] Ow.

! Ow.

! Geez.

What an exit.

Oh, man.

What's he gonna do for an encore? Whoo.

I don't think he'll be doin' no encores for a while.

[ Laughing ] I can't understand what happened.

Why did they change Homer Simpson's character from cool to stupid? The first episode was just a pilot, Dad.

Producers fiddle with shows all the time.

They change characters, drop others and push some into the background.

- [ Horn Honking ] - Your character provides the comic relief like, oh, Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now.

Wish I hadn't bought a hundred of these.

[ Bird Cawing ] [ Lenny Whispering ] Get ready, everybody.

He's about to do something stupid.

Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you gentlemen but you seem to have me confused with a character in a fictional show.

Now, if you'll excuse me, my fondue is just about- - D'oh! - [ Laughing ] -[ Lenny ] There goes Albany.

! - Uh-oh, SpaghettiOs! - [ Laughing ] - Oh, man.

[ Horn Honking ] - Whoa! It's that Homer Simpson dude.

- Ha-ha! People are laughing at me, Marge.

Let's get out of here.

Forget the baby's medicine! But her forehead's on fire! Fine.

I'll be in the car, driving home.

Well, if it isn't that stupid cop from TV.

[ Grunts ] Ah, yeah, that got it.

- That's Homer Simpson.

- Hey, that's Homer Simpson! [ Chattering ] Your catchphrase is hysterical.

Please say it clearly for my answering machine tape.

Uh-oh, SpaghettiOs.

Worst reading ever.

- How 'bout an autograph? - Picture, mister? - [ Babbling ] - Come on, people! Enough is enough! Oh, it's never enough.

Not for them.

Once they get a taste of you, they want more and more and more! That reminds me, do you mind if my nephew kicks you in the belly? Okay.

[ Grunts ] Oh! Aw, the flash didn't go off.

You got another one in you,Josh? [ Squeaking ] The whole town's laughing at me.

Even that cat out there.

- Bart, kill that cat! - [ Bart ] Okay.

! And that big yellow flower! Homer, your growing insanity is starting to worry me.

Why don't you talk to the producers of the show? Maybe they'll make your character suave again.


I guess I could.

But while I'm gone keep an eye on that weird-lookin' kid down there.

- Bart? - Yeah.


'' [ Clears Throat ] Uh- So I just wanna know, how come you made your Homer Simpson character so- Stupid? [ Laughing ] - Well, I can assure you, it happened organically.

- It better have! The 1 3 of us began with a singular vision- Titanic meets Frasier.

But then we found out that ABC had a similar project in development with Annie Potts and Jeremy Piven.

- Who's Jeremy Piven? - We don't know.

But it scared the hell out of us, so we slapped together a cop show instead.

- Police Cops.

- Uh, no, actually, it was called Badge Patrol.

The network idiots didn't want a show about high-tech badges that shoot laser beams.

So we asked ourselves, who's behind the badge? - Police.

- Cops.

Police Cops.

Yeah, but why does the Homer Simpson character have to be so stupid? Oh, he's not stupid.

He's a street-smart fish out of water in a world he never made.

I'm begging you! I'm a human being! Let me have my dignity back! - [ All ] Mm-hmm.

- D'oh! Let me down, Chief.

I'm beggin' ya! I'm a human being.

Let me have my dignity back! [ Screaming ] Ow! - Now he's stupid and whiny.

- That does it! There's only one thing I can do.

Your Honor, I'd like to sue the producers of Police Cops for $20 million for improper use of my name.

Court finds in favor of Police Cops.

Next case.

[ Grumbling ] Then I'd like to legally change my name.

- What name would you prefer? - Any of these will be fine.


''Hercules Rockefeller.

Rembrandt Q.


Handsome B.


'' Oh! I'm going to give you the only name you spelled correctly.

From this day forward, your name shall be- - ''Max Power''? - Dynamic, isn't it? - I love it, Max.

- You changed your name without consulting me? That's the way Max Power is, Marge- decisive, uncompromising and rude.

Oh, wait a minute! The family name is my legacy to you! I got it from my father, and he got it from his father.

And he traded a mule for it.

And that mule went on to save spring break.

But this will be so confusing.

The mailman won't know what to do.

- Did you think of the mailman at all before you did this? - Yes.


And what about the tattoo on my you-know-what? Oh, honey, they have acids that can burn that off.

[ Grunts ] But I fell in love with Homer Simpson.

I don't want to snuggle with Max Power.

Nobody snuggles with Max Power.

- You strap yourself in and feel the G's! - Oh, Lord! And it doesn't stop in the bedroom.

Oh, no.

I'm taking charge.

Kids, there's three ways to do things- the right way, the wrong way and the Max Power way.

- Isn't that the wrong way? - Yeah, but faster! - D'oh! - We should really put that in the corner.

[ Singing ] [ Continues ] [ Ends ] Ah! Max Power! How's every little thing? You remembered my name! Well, who could forget the name of a magnetic individual like you? - Keep up the good work, Max.

- Mr.


Yes, of course.



[ Bell Dinging ] So I want the monogram to read M-A-X P-O-W- Sir, traditionally, a monogram is just initials.

Max Power doesn't abbreviate.

Each letter is as important as the one that preceded it.

Maybe more important.

No, as important.

Very well.

If you've got enough room, add some exclamation points and a pirate flag.

- The man knows what he likes.

-Just taking care of business.

If you don't, who will, huh? Trent Steel.

Homer Simp- Uh, Max Power.

Ooh, hey! Great name! Yeah, isn't it? I got it off a hair dryer.

[ Laughing ] I like a man who can poke fun at himself.

Ooh, hey, my 1 :00 canceled.

Have you had any lunch? Yeah, but I usually have three or four.

- So where to eat? You like Thai? - Tie good.

You like shirt? Marge, this is Thai food.

From now on, I want it morning, noon and night.

When did you start liking Thai food? - When Trent Steel bought me some.

- Who's Trent Steel? He's Max Power's oldest and dearest friend.

What's this wrapped in a banana leaf? [ Sniffs ] Mmm.

Smells like mint.

- Oh, I spit my gum in there.

- Eww.

Where'd you meet this Trent Steel- Moe's? No way! This guy's a winner.

He has a company that makes computers, or a computer that makes companies.

- You wouldn't understand.

- Well, I guess your new name is really opening doors for you.

For all of us.

Look! ''You are invited to a garden party this Saturday.

'' This is our chance to rub elbows with Springfield's young, hip power couples.

- Like me and Debbie Pinson.

- [ Groans ] Wow! Look at this place.

The house number is spelled out with letters.

Get used to it, honey.

From now on we'll be spelling everything with letters.

Did you wish me to destroy this machine for you? - Nah,just park it.

- [ Chuckles ] Very well.

And I counted the pennies in the ashtray! [Jazz ] Ooh, look! It's Woody Harrelson! [ Laughing ] I can't believe those pants are made entirely out of hemp.

And there's Ed BegleyJr.

And this one solar collector can gather enough energy to run this colorful pinwheel.

- [ Squeaking ] - [ Laughter ] Wait.


I got it.

I got it.

-[ Laughter Continues ] - Very nice, Ed.

Your inventions continue to impress me and the entire nation.

Marge! President Clinton! Oh, my Lord! - I feel like Cinderella.

- Me too.

- Let's sing the Cinderella song.

- Eh, maybe later.


Here comes Lorne Michaels.

Pretend you don't see him.

Oh, Max Power.

Trent said I absolutely must meet you.

This is fabu- Anyway, Marge, uh, how do you feel about the economy? So I said, ''If this is the House of Pancakes, how come I can't eat the walls?'' [ Laughing ] Oh, you are too much, Max.

I thought I knew all the players in Springfield.

Where have you been hiding yourself? Well, I spend a lot of time on the couch.

- Tell me about it.

- Haven't we all? [ Band: Upbeat ] I know you don't think you're good enough for me, but believe me, you are.

Hell, I've done it with pigs.

[ Chuckles ] Real no-foolin' pigs.

Are you sure it's a federal law that I have to dance with you? You know, I'd change that law if I could, Marge, but I can't.

- [ Whispering ] - Aw, shoot.

Quebec's got the bomb.

Well, I gotta go, but, look, if you're ever near the White House there's a toolshed out back.

I'm in there most of the day.

[ Clicks Tongue ] Attention, please.


Um, I just wanna say how thrilled I am with this turnout.

I'm proud to share my home with Springfield's best and brightest.

Hey, no problem! We've all been blessed with privilege and success.

Whoo! Privilege! - Uh, but with privilege comes grave responsibility.

- [ Spits ] What? We all have to give something back to the world that's been so good to us.

Give something back? Boo! Get a haircut! I'm talking, of course, about our endangered forests.

- [ Murmuring Agreement ] - Happy little forest.

We have to protect them because trees can't protect themselves.

Except, of course, the Mexican fighting trees.

Somebody buy this guy a tree so he'll shut up! Can we let the wanton destruction of our nation's forests continue? - [ All ] No! - If a tree falls in the forest, will you make a sound? - [ All ] Yes! - To the protest bus! - [ Cheering ] - Hey, stop shoving! I'm Max Power! What's going on, Trent? Where are you taking me? We're going to try and save some beautiful redwoods.

[ Screaming ] - Aren't you coming, Ed? - I prefer a vehicle that doesn't hurt Mother Earth.

It's a go-cart powered by my own sense of self-satisfaction.

[ Motors Idling ] Oh, this is the worst party ever.

I don't know.

Remember that New Year's Eve at Lenny's? He didn't even have a clock.

Oh, Marge, I thought it would be fun to be on Springfield's A-list but these people are nuts.

You can't blame them for having a social conscience.

Sure you can.

Bunch of no-good do-gooders.

Hang in there, Max.

Saving the environment is a hard, grueling job.

That's what I'm saying.

See, Marge? This guy gets it.

[ Siren Wailing ] All right.

What's going on here? We can't allow you to destroy these beautiful trees, which have the same rights you have.

[ Laughing ] Tree huggers.

- Something funny, nature boy? - No.

- I just thought it was cute when you called him- - All right, Max Power.

Eddie, swab this joker's eyes with Mace.

''Swab''? I thought it was a spray.

- Okay.

She's second.

- [ Gasps ] Hmm? [ Whimpering ] Don't give 'em the satisfaction of screaming, Max.

- It'll only burn for- - [ Screams, Gasping ] - Hey, hold still.

- Keep running, Max.

- I can't lose him! - Help him out, Lou.

- [ Whimpering ] - Uh, you better call for backup, Chief.

Leave me alone! Go swab Begley.

He likes it.

[ Lou ] Slow down, punk! Uh-oh.

- I'm free! Whoo-hoo! - [ Shrieks ] - [ Screaming ] - [ Gasps ] [ Screaming Continues ] Oh, no! [ Siren Wailing Weakly, Honks ] Oh, what a tragedy.

That car was just two days away from retirement.

- [ All Groaning ] - This is terrible.

Um- So, Trent, where's the party bus headed now? Well, I'm glad you changed your name back to Homer Simpson.


I learned you gotta be yourself.

- Good night, honey.

- Good night.

Oh, I almost forgot.

While I was at the courthouse, I had them change your name.

- To what? - Chesty LaRue.

- Chesty LaRue? -Just try it for two weeks.

If you're not completely satisfied, you can be Busty St.


I don't want to be Chesty LaRue or Busty St.


- Fine.

Hooty McBoob it is.

- Good night, Homer.

Sleep tight, Hooty.

- Let go of those.

! - [ Chuckling ] - [ Murmuring ] - Shh!