Here is a great collection of Simpsons Scripts . My grand momma loves to read these on the potty.
The Simpsons Episode Scripts
AABF07 - Wild Barts Can't Be Broken
Just a reminder, folks.
- We do have a baseball game today.
- Oh, right.
I'm Dennis Conroy.
And here come your Isotopes.
- [ Crowd Booing ] - [ Coughing ] Let's welcome two new additions to the team Smash Diggins and Fishbone Walker.
Lucky for us, they were sent down from the majors for drug violations.
- [ Crowd Cheering ] - [ Organ Fanfare ] Why do you hate the Isotopes so much, Dad? Because I loved them once and they broke my heart.
Let that be a lesson to you, sweetie.
Never love anything.
- Even you? - Especially me.
But you gotta support the team, Dad.
They're already threatening to move to MooseJaw.
Like my mother always said you've gotta stick it out, even if you picked a loser.
- To the bitter end.
[ Conroy On Speaker ] First pitch of the game.
- [ Screaming ] - That's a rotator cuff.
- His career's over.
- I'm gonna warm up the car.
- But there's only been one pitch.
- And it sucked.
Bases loaded, two outs, bottom of the ninth, and it's do or die.
[ Homer Singing ] That'll bring up Babe Ruth IV.
Of course, he's no Babe Ruth III but the franchise is very excited about this illegitimate great grand bambino.
And what's this? He's pointing to the right field bleachers.
Probably at a dying little boy.
- Mom, am I dying? - No, of course not.
- Is he, Mom? You can tell me.
- No! [ Conroy ] Now he's pointing to the ground.
Is he indicating a bunt? Yes, he's bunting.
! - [ Players Groaning ] - [ Crowd Booing ] [ Marge ] Good hustle, kid.
! [ Homer Singing ] - So who won? The losers? - No, they lost.
- [ Chuckles ] Losers.
- But only by two points.
They didn't resort to stealing bases like the other team, so it's kind of a moral victory.
With a little middle relief, they might even make the play-offs.
You'll be in your cold, cold grave before that ever happens.
Homer, would you please stop talking about the children's graves? [ Crowd Chattering ] [ Laughs ] All right! Whoo! [ Grunts ] What's the hubbub? Did Moe finally blow his brains out? Quiet! We're watching the Isotopes.
Shut it off.
Where you been? The Isotopes are on fire.
Yeah, that sniper at the all-star game was a blessing in disguise.
Now we're in the championship game.
Whoo! 'Topes rule! - [ Gulping ] - Well, here's a die-hard fan.
Sir, your beloved Isotopes are about to make history.
Any thoughts? Oh, it's a great team, Kent.
We never gave up hope.
I want to thankJesus and say hi to my special lady, Marge.
We did it, baby! Whoo! Whoo! The inspiring words of a fan who'll always root, root, root for the home team.
- Even if they lose this game.
- They lost? Those losers! No, no, no.
The game's not over.
Whoo! Not over! Whoo! There you have it- ''Whoo.
'' - Here it comes, baby.
Real big one! - [ All Shouting ] [ Conroy On Speaker ] Bottom of the ninth, two outs.
It all comes down to this.
- And here's the pitch.
- [ Bat Strikes Ball ] Humpin' ''hay-zeus';! He got all of that one.
! - It's going, going, going- - [ All Gasping ] Our technical director today was Stan Kadlubowski.
It's out ofhere.
! 'Topes win.
! - [ All Cheering ] - Isotopes! What'd I tell you? Isotopes.
! [ Gulping ] - Ah, nobody touched my rumaki.
- [ Screams ] Rumaki.
! - Yea! Isotopes! - [ Horn Honking ] - Whoo! - [ Grunting ] - Isotopes! [ Grunts ] - Isotopes! - [ Horn Continues Honking ] - Isotopes.
! You know what I'm sayin'to you, baby? Hey! A baseball field! Batter up! - [ Cheering ] - Go, baby! - Steal second! - I think I'm gonna puke! - Hey, who's on first? - Touchdown! - [ Barney Yelling ] - [ Tires Screeching ] - [ Homer ] Safe.
! - [ All Whooping ] - Hey, Carl? Isotopes! - [ All Muttering ] [ All Singing Rock ] - [ Screams ] - Whoop.
[ Munching ] Wow.
You look really hungover, Dad.
What did you do last night? Last night? Um- [ Piano ] [ Ominous Chord ] Mm, uh, hello, big Maggie.
! - Someone trashed the school! - What the ''dillio''? Where this morning the three R's stand for ''rowdiness''.
''ransacking'' and ''e-responsibility.
'' - Any suspects, Chief? - None.
That's why we're jumping to the conclusion that this was the work of no-good punk kids.
- Kids? - Therefore, effective immediately I am imposing a curfew.
Any kid caught on the street after dark will be shot or returned to their parents, as the situation may warrant.
- Whoa! - Curfew? Serves you little punks right.
Maybe next time you'll think before- Oh, my God! Look what those rotten kids did to my car! The cops can't just slap a curfew on us! We have rights! Sure you do.
You have the right to remain silent.
[ Both Laughing ] - That was cold-blooded, Marge.
But it's not fair.
Adults always blame kids for everything.
Well, if kids are so innocent, why is everything bad named after them? Acting childish, kidnapping, child abuse.
- What about adultery? - Not until you're older, Son.
[ Children Giggling ] Okay, go deep! - Ice cream truck! - [ Excited Shouting ] I was here first! Get out of my way! - [ Cheerful Tune ] - [ Children Laughing ] [ Siren Wailing ] Achtung, babies! Curfew is in effect! Return to your homes immediately.
[ Screaming ] [ Boy Whining ] I don't want to return home.
Let's see some I.
[ Scoffs ] You two scofflaws are violating curfew.
I'm taking you downtown.
Oh, uh, sorry to disturb you, Dr.
[ Deep Voice ] Not at all, officer.
[ Laughing ] Oh, what a beautiful night.
Fireflies, full moon- And here we are, locked inside.
Kids, the carnival's in town for one night only! And they've got cotton candy and hats with feathers! And there's no lines, because all the stupid kids have curfew! So- Oh, right.
[ Giggling ] [ Both Sighing ] Why don't you kids play one of your old board games? When was the last time you played Citizenship? - Energy Shortage? - Hippo in the House? [ Marge ] Ooh, the Game of Lent.
! - [ Groans ] Can't we just go to bed? - It's only 5:30.
We'll play Hippo in the House.
- Oh, the hippo's missing.
- [ Both Groaning ] You think that's bad.
I had to talk to my mom all night.
She's got problems.
Yeah,just look at 'em over there.
Smokin' their cigarettes.
Drinkin' their coffee.
Scratchin' their big butts.
Your metabolism will change someday too, young man.
[ Mutters, Clears Throat ] [ Motor Humming ] That oughta show little Timmy and Tammy Scumbag who's in charge around here.
Gee, Chief, all those gears and motors must've cost a fortune.
-Well, you gotta spend money to make money, Lou.
[ Yawns ] You wanna hold it for a while? Nah.
- [ Humming ] - Marge, kite.
Hey, there is one thing we could do.
[ Gasps ] Lise, no! It's prime time! You robbed me of my manhood! That's petty theft.
- [ TVAudience ] Ooh! - Don't go there.
[ Laughing, Applause ] Don't Go There will be right back.
- Oh, no it won't.
! There's a commercial.
! [ Wolf Howling ] - Oh, yeah.
- [ Wolves Snarling ] - [ Man Narrating ] Forty years ago a film appeared that was so shocking, so terrifying it was sealed in a concrete vault deep beneath the earth.
But even the new management of Sony TriStar could not contain the pure evil of The Bloodening.
[ Woman Screaming ] Milhouse, do you see what's on Channel 6? Uh, yeah.
It's really something.
[ Screams ] - [ Screaming ] - A registered nurse trained in the treatment of terror will be on duty during the showing of The Bloodening.
[ Eerie Laughing ] [ TVAnnouncer ] Now playing at the Springfield Drive-In after dark.
Milhouse, spread the word.
We're seeing this movie tonight.
We're breaking curfew.
Come on! - I'm breaking curfew, Mom! - [ Mother ] We're out of Skoal.
! ''Due to the likelihood of fear-induced heart attacks we're offering all patrons million-dollar life insurance policies.
'' Life insurance? Hmm.
Will I be able to borrow against the equity? I don't know, sir.
It comes free with the popcorn.
- Is that air-popped? - Skinner.
! - We're losing valuable make-out time.
- [ Giggles ] [ Grunting ] A little help.
- [ Grunts, Groans ] - [ Grunts ] Lisa.
[ Chorus Singing ] [ Wolves Howling ] Get off of my moor, you mischievous weans! [ English Accent ] Actually, we prefer to stay.
You're thinking about hurting us.
- [ Gasps ] - Now you're thinking ''How did they know what I was thinking?'' Now you're thinking, ''I hope that's shepherd's pie in my knickers.
'' [ Gasping ] [ Screaming ] - Wow! - They showed him! Man, I never liked Shakespeare until now.
- [ Crowd Chattering ] - Right, you little blighters.
We've had quite enough of your evil mischief.
But you're the one who's been bad.
You've been sneaking puddings.
But- But how did you know? We know all your secrets.
And you pilfered the poor box.
- [ Gasps ] - And, Doctor, we know that you and the bootblack have been rogering the fishwife in the crumpet shop.
- [ Gasps ] Lies! - How dare you! Get them! Quickly! We can't have that.
[ All Gasping ] [ All Grunting, Groaning ] [ Screaming ] - Take that, you suckers! - Stick him with the pitchfork! - Way to go! - In your face, fishwife! Enjoying the movie, kids? [ All Screaming ] Listen up, punks.
The moral of the story is the adults always win.
[ Screams ] For crying out loud, Eddie.
You scared the hell out of me.
[ Chuckles ] [ Groaning ] Don't forget to clean under the jowls.
That spot is Club Med for mildew.
And let this be a lesson to you! Kids never learn! [ Snickers ] [ Groaning, Coughing ] Oh, that is it! I'm tired of being pushed around by grown-ups! It's time to fight back! - Yeah! - Fight back! Fight back! Man, if we had eye power like those kids in that movie we could read the adults' mind and tell their secrets and make 'em pitchfork each other and junk! - Oh, yeah! - Wait! We don't need supernatural powers.
We already know their secrets.
Homer's done a ton of crap that never made the papers.
My mom shoplifts all the time.
Stuff she doesn't even need.
My dad gets in car accidents on purpose.
This is all gold.
[ Milhouse ] We gotta spread this stuff around.
Let's put it on the Internet! [ Bart ] No! We have to reach people whose opinions actually matter.
And I think I know how.
Why don't we- - I can get my dad's amplifier from the garage.
- Yeah, that's a good idea.
Attention, hemline and midriff monitors.
- [ Glass Squeaking ] - [ Gasps ] Willie, get my Windex! [ Snoring ] [ Cat Screeches ] nothin' but cats.
So, Marge, ready for another episode of Don't Go There? I'm tired of that show.
But I've been hearing good things about Talk to the Hand.
Tom Shales says the writing ''snaps, crackles and pops.
Whatever takes my mind off my life.
[ Chorus Singing ] Hey, look what I found! Grampa's old radio.
Oh, wouldn't it be grand to gather round and have a listen? Well, turn something on.
I'm startin' to think! [ Changing Stations ] [ F.
's Voice ] A date which will live in infamy.
Good evening, adults.
We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a very special presentation.
Tonight's program is entitled- [ Together] We Know All Your Secrets.
Boring! Go back to that ''infamy'' guy.
[ Bart On Radio ] Constable Wiggum likes to act tough but he also likes to walk the beat in control-top panty hose.
- [ Both Gasp ] - [ Chuckles ] Well, it's not like that's a crime.
has been stealing supplies from the school cafeteria.
[ Gasps ] Edna! How could you? Don't get up.
I'll bus my own tray.
- And now we come to Mr.
- [ Screams ] Did you know he likes to eat out of the Flanders' garbage? - Oh, Homer.
- I have a problem.
Tune in tomorrow and every day until the curfew is lifted because we'll be revealing embarrassing secrets about Springfield's other adults.
Well, at least they've already done me.
- And we have plenty more on Homer Simpson.
- D'oh! I've called this meeting to determine what to do about those blabbermouth kids and their creepy English accents.
Hey, shut up, Mayor! They're tellin' secrets again! - [ Murmuring ] - Oh, I hope they don't reveal this is a comb-over.
[ Lisa With English Accent ] Our top secret tonight- gay divorcee Luann Van Houten has been cheating on her boyfriend, Pyro with his best friend, Gyro.
How many times have I fought beside you, Gyro? And this is how you repay me? - [ Both Grunting ] - Pyro! Gyro! Settle down! Can't we shut down that infernal transmitter? - Can't we just blow it up? - You go ahead, girlfriend! - They're the worst! - Yeah! - Say it again, girl! - Settle down, people.
As we speak, Chief Wiggum is tracking down those little squealers using the latest in crime-fighting technology.
Uh, I got nothing.
How about you, Frinky? I have captured the signal and am presently triangulating the vectors and compressing the data down in order to express it as a function of my hand.
They're over there! They're over there! And guess who's been practicing medicine without a license? - [ Gulps ] - That's right.
- [ Homer ] D'oh.
! - Freeze, you little shock jocks! [ Guns Cocking ] Brilliant.
They transduced amplitude modulation via the concavity of that oversized beverage conveyance.
I mean, that is some clever ''viving.
'' All right, you kids, come down now.
- We promise we won't kill ya.
- Speak for yourself.
Bart, get down here! I'm gonna spank you back to the Stone Age! You can't make us come down! You adults are always givin' us orders! You kids are always disobeying them.
Well, adults treat kids like children! Kids treat adults like cash machines! - Adults! - Kids! - Adults! - Kids! - Adults! - Kids! [ Singing Musical Comedy ] - [ Continues ] - [ Marge Groans ] - [ Continues ] - [ Cat Screeches ] - [ Screams ] - [ Continues ] [ Ends ] We're gonna teach all you rug rats a lesson.
Oh, yeah? What can you old people do to us? - Yeah, you old fogeys! - Buzz off, you old- - What do you got? - You're all wrinkly! Somebody should iron you! This is Kent Brockman reporting from my own home in accordance with the new curfew for anyone under 7 0.
- Mm, I can't believe that passed.
- [ Grumbling ] I warned you guys that seniors always vote in record numbers.
The controversial measure passed by a single vote.
[ Groans ] You really should've voted, Homer.
[ Scoffs ] It wouldn't have made a difference.
Lights out, you punk kids! Yea! We took back the night! Hey, fellas! Hey, you wanna stop with the kicking? My pills are in that can.
! Good gravy.
! I don't kick your things.
When you're trying to breathe on the machine, do I go up and kick it? Oh, now look at that.
It went down the sewer.
! You happy? I'm gonna sue now.
! Now it's time for the lawyers.
! - Shh.
- Don't tell me to shush, you stupid lady!