The Simpsons Episode Scripts

AABF06 - Viva Ned Flanders

[ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] This is Kent Brockman, live at the Monty Burns Casino.

Moments from now, ''the house that social security checks built'' will be demolished to make way for a casino-themed family hotel.

This must be heartbreaking for you, sir.

I'm just thinking of my employees- All the cardsharps, bottom dealers and shills.

- Where will they go? - They're managing your chain of nursing homes, sir.


Gone are such headliners as Little Timmy and the Shebangs the Shebangs, and the New Shebangs, featuring Big Timmy.

Remember how excited we were when this place opened? Then a week later we just forgot about it.

I'm surprised they bothered to move it when they moved the town.

Oh, I can explain that.

You see- Five, four, three, two- All right! Here comes the implosion.

''Implosion''? But I thought you said- [ Crowd Clamoring ] - Hockey puck! - [ Chuckling ] Don Rickles zinged you, Marge.

Dust! Eat my dust, dust.


- [ Crash ] - [ Man Screams ] [ Lisa ] Dad, we hit Don Rickles.

[ Man ] I'm okay, but the Puerto Rican guy's trying to steal your hubcaps.

[ Chuckles ] Just kiddin; I'm a nice guy.

We'd better stop and get the car washed.

Aw, what's the rush? Might rain next week.

Hey, Homer, your car's kind of dirty.

Really? You think I should get it washed? - Yeah, maybe.

- [ Tires Squealing ] You listen to your friends, but you never listen to me.

Hey, that's great.

All right, young 'uns, bath time.

Cover up your eyes and drop your britches.

Who wants wax? - [ Children ] Me! - [ Howls ] I insist you take special care with my collection of valuable and humorous bumper stickers- Particularly this one which was given to me by a Harrison Ford look-alike.

No hablo ingles, senor.

[ Machinery Whirring ] Oh.

[ Muzak On P.


] Wow.

You can't find this stuff anywhere.

Seals and Crofts? Pablo Cruise? Air Supply? Whoa, ho.

Loggins and Oates.

And it's free.

I've never heard of these bands, Mom.

- What kind of music do they play? - Crap-Rock? - No.

- Wuss-Rock? - That's it.

- [ Bell Dings ] Ten dollars? What is this, a car wash for millionaires? - Throw hot wax on him, Dad.

- Howdy, Homer.

Five dollars, please.

Hey, how did ''Churchy LaFemme'' get half price? - Senior citizens' discount.

- [ Scoffs ] ''Senior citizen''? Flanders? Well, we'll see about that.

[ Organ ] [ Organ ] And once again, tithing is 1 0% off the top.

That's gross income, not net.

- Please, people, don't force us to audit.

- [ Murmuring ] Now, I'm going to pass this around a second time.

Brother Ned, if you'll do the honors- I wouldn't do that, Reverend.

You see, ''Saint Flanders'' is as crooked as you or me.

[ Murmuring ] That's right.

It's my sad duty to rat out this man for defrauding a car wash.

How, you ask? With a phony senior-discount card.

- [ Murmuring ] - Well, that's not quite true.

Did you or did you not use a senior citizen discount card at said car wash? - Well, I did, but- - Now, I'm not a fancy, big-city lawyer- - [ All Gasp ] - But it seems to me that a senior citizen has to be over 5 5.

- Isn't that so? - Well, yes.

- And you are how old? - [ Sighs ] I suppose, if you must know, I'm-Well, I'm- I'm 60.

- [ Lenny ] God, he looks so good.

- [ Moe ] He looks unbelievable.

What's your secret, Flanders? Goat placenta? Monkey sweat? - Some kind of electric hat? - Holy water? It's holy water, right? Aah! It burns! Listen, folks.

There's no magic formula.

I just follow the three C's- Clean living, chewing thoroughly and a daily dose of vitamin church.

- [ Groaning ] - And, of course, I resist all the major urges.

- All of them? - You mean you've never splurged and, say, eaten an entire birthday cake - then blamed it on the dog? - Oh? You've never licked maple syrup off your lover's stomach? - [ Skinner Groans ] - You've never snuck out of church to break into cars? No, no and double no.

I haven't done any of those things, folks.

You name it, I haven't done it.

Geez, Flanders, you're 60 years old and you haven't lived a day in your life.

Yeah, even the boy in the bubble had a deck of cards.

- [ Chattering ] - Hmm.

Can you believe it? It almost seemed like those folks were making fun of old Steady Neddie.

Well, you may be a bit cautious, but what's wrong with that? Some people like chunky peanut butter, some like smooth.

Mm-hmm, and some people just steer clear of that whole hornets' nest.

I'll stick with just plain white bread, thank you very much, maybe with a- [ Together] Glass of water on the side for dippin'.

- [ Brakes Squeal ] - Gosh darn it.

Am I that pre-diddly-ictable? [ Sighs ] I've wasted my whole dang-diddly life.

- [ Rock On Radio ] - Hey there! Look at that.

Everyone's livin' it up except Ned.

Help! We're being carjacked.

Don't get clever, old man.

Now take us to Dress Barn.

[ Maude ] Where have you been, Neddie? In the bathroom- not trimmin' my mustache.

What do you think? Do I remind you of troubled troubadour David Crosby? - No, you remind me of silly billy Ned Flanders.

- [ Laughing ] - Would a silly billy sit like this? - [ Snap ] - Ooh! - Rod, Call Dr.


All right, Bart- Fire in the hole.

[ Chuckles ] Okay, no more gasoline.

- Hmm.

- [ Humming ] Full power.

Never a dull moment, huh, Homer? You got that right.

Throw on the mesquite, Bart.

Mesquite it is.

You know, this may sound just a teensy bit insane in the ol' membrane, Homer but I was wondering if you could show me how to have some fun.

Well, well, well.

So Flawless Flanders needs help from Stinky Pants Simpson.

[ Chuckles ] Yeah, I guess I do.

Welly, welly, welly.


Clean wants to hang with Dirty Dingus Magee.

-How about it, Homer? Will you teach me the secret of your intoxicating lust for life? - Wellity, wellity, wellity.

- Stop that! Will you help me or not? - [ Can Clanks ] - Let's do it.

- [ Groans ] - So what about all this meat? Aw, the missus will clean that up.

Now it's Marge's time to shine.

First of all, I get five dollars a day, plus expenses.

- Seems fair.

- And I'll need your signature here, here and initial here.

[ Chuckles ] You're not really giving my father - power of attorney, are you? - Of course I- [ Gasps ] Oh, my stars.

I can't do that.

Well, that's unfortunate.

Really is.

[ Sighs ] All right.


Welcome to the Homer Simpson Program.

So what happens next? One day soon I will come for you and then the game will begin.

Could be in the middle of the night.

It could be when you least expect it.

Or whatever's good for you.

I don't care.

Okay, Homer, I'm ready to learn.

What's the first lesson? Just gimme the topic sentence.

Gimme that! That's your problem.

You're livin' up here.

You gotta live down here, in the impulse zone.

If you wanna be like me, you gotta make snap decisions- - Like this! - [ Tires Squealing ] We're going to break the bank at the Monty Burns Casino.

Homer, they blew that up yesterday.

- [ Homer ] Oh,yeah, right.

- [ Ned Whimpers ] Then we're goin' to Las Vegas- - Which is actually back in that direction.

- [ Tires Squeal ] [ Ad-libs Song ] That sure was a fun trip to Las Vegas.

Eh, too many kids.


It's goin' on 8:30.

I better call Maude and tell her where I am.


I called her from the gas station.

- Thanks, buddy.

- [ Snickers ] Sucker.

Gee, Homer, this all looks so garish.

- [ Monkey Chattering ] - [ Elephant Trumpeting ] Oh! The lights, the noise, the letter ''X.

'' It's-It's all designed to inflame the senses.

I'm overstimulated.

I gotta get out of this town.

I don't think so.

I think you'll find escape is quite impossible.

No, I got it.

Oh! Would you like to be in the audience for my infomercial? [ Screams ] - Help me! - [ Screams ] My daughter's not talented.

[ Groans ] [ Tires Squealing ] [ Crowd Cheering ] Hey- Lance Murdock.

[ Revving ] If he's not careful, his scooter could roll right down that ramp.

He's a daredevil, Ned.

He laughs at death.


When I wanna laugh, I'll take Bob Saget, thank you very much.

And now, the indestructible Lance Murdock will jump his ''SuiCycle';.


over an audience member- And he'll do it while attempting to open a locked safe on his head.

Any volunteers? - Ooh, ooh, ooh! Pick him.

Pick him.

- Homer, no.

I wanna do something exciting but I can't just go from zero to 30 like that.

- I-I could be killed.

- Fine.

I'll do it.

- Where do you want me? - On the ''X.

'' You mean the one with the red paint? Uh, yeah, paint.

Now, it's of critical importance that you don't- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll figure it out.

This isn't rocket science.

Well, actually, there are several rockets mounted to the- - Boring.

- [ Crowd Cheering ] [ Revving ] [ Announcer ] Okay, he's cleared the ring of fire passed the ring of ice, over the dog do stick.

- He's cracked the safe.

- Hey, Flanders, don't spill my beer.

Oh, God! Lay down.

Lay down.

[ Screaming ] - Clear! - [ Electrical Crackling ] He's all right, folks.

[ Cheering ] Okeydoke.

Let's hit the tables.

My God, Homer, watching you risk your life turned my beat box all the way up to ''rumba.

'' I was praying you'd be safe but t-to be honest, part of me wanted to see you get splattered.

- Oh, I think someone just had his first taste of bloodlust.

- Hmm.

- [ Clicking,Jingling ] - Let's see.

What's Marge's birthday? Barney's is July 1 5, same as Lassie's so Marge must be 50- Oh, forget it.

- Flanders, what's your birthday? - Oh, leave me out of this, Homer.

Games of chance are strictly forbidden by Deuteronomy 7.

Seven, eh? - [ Man ] Seven a winner.

- Way to go, Flanders.

The Bible's finally pulling its weight.

Got any more holy numbers? Oh, I've got a bunch, Homer, but- I just don't feel right.

Oh, Lord, what should I do? - [ Man With Deep Voice ] Keep Gaming.

- What? - It means gambling.

Keep gambling.

- Oh.


- One betting disk, please.

- ''One betting disk, please.

'' Watch and learn.

- And 1 4 black.

- Well, there you go.

- Now, how about a drink? - [ Stammers ] How do you do it, Homer? How do you silence that little voice that says, ''Think.

'' - You mean Lisa? - Oh, no.

I mean common sense.

Oh, that.

That can be treated with our good friend alcohol.

You might want to write that down.

Where the hell's your notebook? - You threw it out the- - Never mind.

Just pay attention.

- Slave girl? Oh, slave girl.

- [ Ice Cubes Tinkling ] - More libations, my imperial conquerors? - What? - More booze? - Oh, yeah.

Two more of these, please.

- [ Beeping ] - And for you, Ned? I'll have a Shirley- No, a virgin- No, make it a children's- Oh, what the heck.

You only live once.

Give me a white wine spritzer.

[ Echoing ] Spritzer- [ Loud Snoring ] - [ Groans ] - [ Snoring Continues ] Oh, my goodness, Homer.

- Wake up.

- [ Mumbling ] Oh, look at this place.


We must have really painted the town last night.

I have a pounding headache, my mouth tastes like vomit and I don't remember a thing.

Welcome to my world.

Oh, I did it! I conquered my fears and I made up for a lot of lost living.

- And I owe it all to the Homer Simpson Program.

- The what, now? [ Woman ] Well, it's about time you two woke up.

Well, of course.

It- [ Screams ] - Who are you? - Who am I? I'm Mrs.

Ned Flanders.

- G'ah! - [ Laughs ] Hey, smooth move, Flanders.

And I'm Mrs.

Homer Simpson.

[ Screams ] - Here comes that vomit again.

- Eww.

[ Homer ] Okay.







Okay, you're saying that Ned and me married you two.

- Oh, yeah.

We're hitched, all right.

- Till death do us part.

- Mm-hmm.

I'm working on that.

- Ned, no! Think of your wives.

Wait a minute.

This could be some kind of scam.

Or possibly ''scam-ola.

'' We would remember if we got married.

Boy, you did have a lot to drink last night, ''Homeo.

'' - Take a look at this.

-[ Homer ] Aw.

''Precious Memories.

'' I okilly-dokilly, ''schmokilly'' do.

And do you, Homer, take this cocktail waitress you just met to be your lawfully wedded wife? - What did you call me? - [ Groans ] Do you want to get married? Married.


Sock it to me, baby.

By the power vested in me by the Chicago outfit I now pronounce you husbands and wives.

[ Synthesizer ] We are so dead.

Ladies, we want to do the honorable thing, so breakfast is on us- with full waffle bar privileges.

But first, I'm afraid we have some bad news.

[ Sighs ] The waffle bar is closed.

- I'm sorry.

I'm so very- - Homer! The bad news, ladies, is we already have wives.

Well, you can't be very happy with them if you married us.

You two fellas are the nicest husbands we've ever had- And we're not giving you up without a fight.

But, Ginger, honey, I am not the catch I appear to be.

- Ginger's my wife.

- Are you sure? Oh, rats.

No offense, sweetie.

Homer, why don't we go make the girls some custom omelets? Geez.

I've never seen anyone so whipped so fast.

[ Imitates Whipcrack ] [ Whimpers ] What are we gonna do, Homer? My kids are gonna be traumatized.

- And then there's Maude.

And then there's Maude! - I don't know, Flanders.

Having two wives could have its advantages.

Chop, chop, dig, dig.

Chop, chop, dig, dig.

Chop, chop, dig, dig.

You know, Homey, there's so much more two wives could do for you.

I hear digging, but I don't hear chopping.

- [ Buzzing ] - Ooh! A friendly bee.

[ Screams ] Ow.

That sting hurts so much.

- We gotta get out of this, Ned.

- Well, do something.

This is all your fault- You and your stupid program.

Blame me if you must, but don't ever speak ill of the program.

The program is rock solid.

The program is sound.

- Yoo-hoo! - Oh, those awful women want their omelets.

Oh, how are we gonna get out of this mess in an honorable and decent- Oh, nuts.

! I don't know.

Omelets have a lot of fat in them.

Forget it.

You're married.

Let yourself go.

- [ Grunting ] - They're running away.

[ Man Singing Rock ] Aah! [ Continues ] Aah! [ Grunts, Thuds ] - [ Both Groaning ] - [ Ends ] How could a fat guy run so fast? Hey! Aw- Come on, baby, show Gil a four.

- Craps.

- Oh, no.

Why did I bet the company payroll? Oh, Gil's in a lot of trouble.

- [ Nervous Laugh ] - Somebody help! Our husbands are trying to ditch us.

Someone dishonoring their marriage vows? Not in Las Vegas.

Attention, all employees.

We've got two runaways.

Stop them.

- [ Whimpering ] - [ Panting ] Oh, no! - [ Roars ] - [ Screams ] A lion.

Drederick Tatum.

Your behavior is- It's unconscionable.

[ Whimpers, Screams ] The Moody Blues! Cold-hearted Homer, ditching his wife while ancient Ned runs for his life.

Chips of red and blue and white, but we decide which- Can the poems.

It's ass-whooping time.

- I want fatty.

- [ Screams ] - Get him! Get him! - Let's get him.

What if we switched wives? Would that help? - For the last time, no.

- Hello! Our ticket to freedom.

- [ Car Starts ] - So long, suck- - [ Clamoring ] - [ Roaring ] - [ Homer, Ned Whimpering ] - Get out and stay out.

Las Vegas doesn't care for out-of-towners.

Take your money and go someplace else.

- [ Crowd ] Yeah! - I really disrespect them.

And don't you ever try to marry us again.

We found some guys who know how to treat a woman.

- [ Nervous Laugh ] - [ Grunts ] - But, Amber, I can change.

- Will you shut up? - But, Amber, I can change.

- Will you shut up? - We were out buying them fabulous gifts- - What's the occasion? Because we love them,jackass.

Anyhoo, we came out of Wal-Mart, when suddenly, 1 00 spaceships- - Homer! - You're right, you're right.

Fifty spaceships beamed us aboard.

They gang-probed you, while I discovered an invention that blew their heads up and saved America.

Uh, do I have to be gang-probed? Would you rather tell Maude the truth? - What did the aliens look like? - Well, I only saw them from the back 'cause they were so busy gang-probing you.

- Well, hello, little birdies.

- [ Both Scream ] - Well, hello, little birdies.

- [ Both Scream ] - Not the eyes.

! - My eyes.

! Cover your eyes.

! [ Man Singing Rock ] [ Continues ] [ Ends ] - [ Murmuring ] - Shh!