written by Andrew Ziola, February 2003


Mike - nice guy, boyfriend that Nikki walks all over

2 hot female roommates, Nikki and Laura. Nikki has a boyfriend that stays over all the time, Laura is always bitching about guys and ex-boyfriends but she has balls and goes on dates, asks out guys. They have a neighbor guy who is single and they have him come over all the time to do boy stuff like take the garbage out. He is real cocky asshole and gets lot of poon tang and when he is drunk he nails Laura. His name is Scott. Nikki and Laura call him Hot Scott behind his back. Nikki is a nurse. All her patients are like all hot for her because she is that sexy. Laura works in a government office like a DMV type place or office that deals with parking tickets. Scott does some modeling but works in stock sales and has fancy stuff and a sweet car. He is dreamy looking but is like talking to the carpet. He is a male bimbo.

The setting is a nice two bedroom apartment, it is really girly with knickknacks all over and furniture that no one can sit on because it is so nice.

--Scene 1--

Nikki and Laura are making dinner (grilled cheese and a box of wine) and Scott enters and heads toward the couch.

Scott: Hey guys. I just took your garbage out. Is your toilet fixed yet? (he is about to sit on the couch)

Nikki: Scott, we don't sit on the couches. You haven't learned that yet? Why don't you do that at your place? You live next door. I don't want our place to smell. Adrianna is coming over in 10 minutes.

Laura: So are you gonna make our place smell like poopie?

Scott: I don't see any eligible boys here for yo guys what do you care?

Nikki: Mike is coming over for dinner butt munch.

Scott: Dinner? Grilled cheese and a box of wine?

Nikki: I thought I would cook for him.

(Scott grabs the sports section from the newspaper and heads toward the bathroom, we hear loud groaning like Scott is giving birth in the bathroom. Laura and Nikki look at each other and shake their heads.)

Nikki: You have to work tomorrow.

Laura: It's valentine's Day, we have off.

Nikki: You get Valentine's Day off?

Laura: I think so, don't you?

Nikki: It's a Hallmark holiday Laura, I think the parking services is open.

Laura: Damn, I was going to get my nails done for my date with that plumber that fixed our toilet.

(Scott reenters with paper under his arm and an awful stench. At the same time Mike knocks and enters. Everyone smells the poo stench and gags.)

Mike: Hey guys. Hey Nikki did you make a bubble?

Laura: A bubble?

(Nikki just shrugs in embarrassment, Scott Leaves, end of scene)

--Scene 2--

(Scott and Adriana sitting at a table at Scott's place. They are having a candlelight dinner. Adriana is real hot and real quiet.)

Scott: Can I get you more wine? It's a 1992 Caymus. (Adriana nods) I just got my new beamer last weekend, we have to go for a ride, it is so sweet, so smooth. (Adriana nods. She is French and she has not understood anything that Scott has been saying)

Adriana: Je n'ai pas compris un mot que vous avez dit. (This means - I have not understood a word that you have said. Scott realizes that he has been out with this girl 3 times and this is the first time she has spoke because he has spoke non stop and she does not speak English so he is going to take advantage of the situation)

Scott: Do you speak English? (She shakes her head) You don't understand a word I have said? (She shrugs and looks confused.) I've got a raging member, do you want to see it? (She nods, he laughs and to himself says, "I've still got it." They head to the bedroom)

--Scene 3--

(Back at Laura and Nikki's, Mike is eating a grilled cheese and drinking wine out of a big plastic cup that you get free at the ballgame

Mike: (in serious tone) This is amazing Nikki, you are a getting to be a great cook.

Nikki: (All sappy and proud) Thanks baby. I love cooking for my man. (Laura is in the living room shaking her head)

Nikki: I had that dream again last night.

Mike: The human stapler one?

Nikki: No the hand dryer one.

Mike: Oh no.

Nikki: So I'm at work checking in on Mr. Gibson.

Mike: The guy that got the penile implants?

Nikki: Ya, and so he kept asking me to massage the implant.

Mike: Uh Nikki, you are supposed to be doing this?

Nikki: I dunno, but I get done and need to clean up so I go to the bathroom and I see it.

Mike: See what?

Nikki: The hand dryer. It was staring at me and looked like it wanted to kill me. I screamed then I woke up.

Mike: So the hand dryer didn't come and get you?

Nikki: No but I woke up in a cold sweat, shaking.

Mike: You are really that scared of hand dryers aren't you pumpkin?

Nikki: Ever since the 3rd grade.

Mike: Why what happened?

Nikki: I am at school. It's lunchtime and I went to the washroom after recess to wash my hands because I got all dirty playing hop scotch. So I go to the girls room and a group of the popular girls were in there talking. So I washed up and went to a hand dryer to dry my hands. They were newer ones and I wasn't sure how to turn them on so I looked at the instruction plate. I pushed my butt and rubbed my hands under my arms. The popular girls began laughing hysterically. Ever since then I have had a deadly fear of hand dryers.

Mike: You pushed your butt and rubbed your hands under your arms?

Nikki: Push button, rub hands gently under warm air.

Mike: Oh my gosh Nikki. Is that why you changed schools?

Nikki: No I changed schools after I had my period in those white Jordache jeans.

Mike: Oh ya.

(Laura enters)

Laura: I wonder how Scott's date is going. (Right after she says that through the wall you hear in a foreign twang) "Scott, oh ya, oh oh oh."

Mike and Nikki both say at the same time: Looks like it is going pretty well.

(Laura gets pissed look and tries to walk away)

Nikki: Laura what's wrong?

Laura: Nothing. (Now there is feeling in the room that Laura is upset because Scott is with Adrianna.) Nikki, where did you put Danny?

Nikki (embarrassed): Oh, back in the drawer.

(Laura heads to her room)

Mike: Who is Danny?

Nikki: Our little plastic male friend.

Mike: You guys share a toy? That's disgusting!

Nikki: I clean it. (Mike is grossed out)

Mike: Am I not satisfying you?

Nikki: You were gone last weekend and I missed you.

Mike: Oh baby (They start kissing).

--Scene 4--

(The following morning Adriana steps out of Scott's shower and she is just in a towel and Scott enters)

Scott: You were awesome last night. (Adriana smiles) That thing you did with my ... ummm, backside. Is that French? (Adriana nods) That was hot. (Scott goes in the shower and confused he sees a loofah. He picks it up, shrugs, puts some girly soap on it and starts washing. After a few seconds he gets a look on his face like 'this is good, I like this'.

--Scene 5--

(It is Valentine's Day. Laura is at work at the parking office. There is a huge line. She is staring at a picture of Scott's that she has in her work station, and is daydreaming. The picture is pretty fruity looking, almost like a headshot.)

[Dream sequence]

Laura and Scott are running on the beach hand in hand smiling, then out of nowhere Adrianna appears and closelines her. Laura snaps out of the daydream.

Laura: May I help you?

Old Man: I need a handicap parking sticker.

Laura: Do you have a note from your doctor?

Old Man: What?

Laura: Do you have a note from your doctor?

Old Man: Yes. (He hands it to her. Camera focuses on the note and it reads 'Uncontrollable bladder.' Laura is disgusted and confused)

Laura: Please wait a moment Sir. (Laura goes back to the office to find her boss. He boss is a nerdy, government worker type. He is wearing a short sleeve broadcloth shirt and polyester tie.)

Laura: Excuse me Mr. Sanderson. I have a question.

Mr. Sanderson: Yes Laura what is it?

Laura: There is a gentleman that wants a handicap 422 pass but his medical condition does not appear to be a legitimate 422 case. (Mr. Sanderson grabs the application and reads the part about the bladder condition, he seriously replies)

Mr. Sanderson: Great work Laura, you are correct. Uncontrollable bladders are not 422s. Application denied. (He walks away. Laura nervously returns to the old man.)

Laura: I am sorry sir I can't give you a handicap pass.

Old man: What?

Laura: (louder) Sorry, I can't give you a handicap pass.

Old man: Why?

Laura: (more quiet) We can't give out handicap passes for uncontrollable bladders.

Old man: I can't hear you.

Laura: (yells) I can't give you a handicap parking pass because you have an uncontrollable bladder. (The whole line of people laugh)

Old man: What? This is not the line for stamps?

Laura: No sir. (Old man leaves, the crowd is still laughing. Laura puts her head down like she wants to cry)

--Scene 6--

(Nikki is at work doing rounds. She is smiling and happy. She heads to the reception area and the lady gives her flowers that were delivered to her for Valentine's day. She reads the card - it says 'Love Mike.' This whole scene has music playing and no dialog, like a music video, with the song Earth Angel playing - The song then comes to a screeching halt.)

Nikki: Quick, Mr. Gustapa is not breathing! (The look on Nikki's face is now fear, there are tons of people rushing around and doctors are trying to resuscitate Mr. Gustapa.

Dr. #1: Nikki give me 127 volts cc stat. (Nikki is working feverishly)

Dr. #2: This is not working.

Dr. #1: Nikki 127 volts cc. (The volts machine appears to be broken.)

Dr. #2: What is wrong Nikki?

Nikki (scared): It is not pumping any juice. (Dr. #1 looks a Dr. #2 in fear)

Dr. #2: What do we do?

Dr. #1: I don't know. (All lights turn off and a spotlight is only on Nikki like she is a superhero. Zoom in on her head and it looks like she has a revelation. Zoom out and she is in a superhero costume and she is staring down a hand dryer that is in the patient's bathroom. Like a superhero she dashes to the hand dryer with no fear. She reads that 'Push butt rub hands gently under arm on it and she is not phased. She rips the hand dryer off of the wall, rushes back to the doctors. Some weird way they use the hand dryer power to fuel the resuscitator and bring back Mr. Gustapa. Everyone in the room cheers. Nikki now disappears out of the superhero costume, walks casually out of the room while everyone is still cheering. In the hallway alone she gets a huge proud smile.

--Scene 7--

(That night back at their apartment Laura goes over to Scott's and knocks on his door. He answers the door only in shorts not wearing a shirt and he is completely shaven. Laura is a little shocked)

Laura: Hey dude, what did you do?

Scott: I shaved off every hair on my body.

Laura: What?

Scott: I saw pictures of guys in In Shape. They had no hair anywhere so I thought why not?

Laura: Everywhere?

Scott: Everywhere. (Scott walks toward the kitchen)

Laura: Are you gay?

Scott: What?

Laura: Nothing.

Scott: What did you say?

Laura: Ice cube tray.

Scott: Ice cube tray?

Laura: Ya. I wanted to ask you if you have ice cubes in your ice cube tray. That's why I stopped over.

Scott: I have an ice maker.

Laura: Oh ya, whatever. See ya.

Scott: Uh - see ya. (Shaking his head. Laura leaves and in the hall she looks upset and leans up against the wall)

Laura: I am such an idiot.

--Scene 8--

(Nikki is getting ready for Valentine's dinner, we see Mike sitting on his bed looking at an engagement ring. Nikki walks down the stairs. Scott and Laura are sitting on the couch watching Entertainment Tonight.)

Nikki: Hey guys.

Scott: You look amazing Nikki. Is Mike taking you out tonight?

Nikki: Ya. I'm so excited. We're going to Salvatore's

Laura: Wow!

Nikki: What are you guys doing tonight?

Scott: I am going out with Adriana.

Laura: I have a date with that plumber that fixed our toilet after Scott had his way with it the other day.

Nikki: That sounds fun. Don't go messing this up with the plumber. Its hard to find someone that can do such a good job fixing that toilet. (Scott stands up and grabs the newspaper and heads toward the bathroom. Nikki and Laura look at each other and shake their heads.)

Laura: Another day in what we call our lives. (There is a knock on the door, Nikki opens the door, it is Mike. They hug and kiss)

Mike: You look so hot baby.

Nikki: (embarrassed) Mike you are so sweet. (We start to hear groaning noises in the bathroom.)

Nikki: That's our cue, ready Mike?

Mike: Yep, we're outa here.

Nikki: Laura have fun with the plumber, hopefully he'll bring his tools, looks like we might have a little toilet problem again.

Laura: See ya guys. (We hear one more big groan from the bathroom)

--Scene 9--

(Nikki and Mike at Salvatores, it is a really romantic place, candlelit, server comes up to their table.)

Server: Can I get you something to drink?

Mike: Champagne? (Nikki nods excitedly)

Server: Right away.

Nikki: I love champagne Mike.

Mike: I know you do lollipop. Just remember the last time you had champagne you overdid it a little. (Flashback - party 3 years prior, Nikki is dancing on a dining room table with a bottle of champagne in her hand singing La Vida Loca. Camera pans to Mike on a couch shaking his head hands on his head - cut back to Salvatore's, server pours the champagne)

Mike: Nikki, we have been together for 4 years, I love you so much puppy doll.

Nikki: I love you too sweetie. (She chugs her glass of champagne, and the server pours her more champagne and Mike begins to look a little nervous)

(Back to Laura at the apartment, she is all dolled up. She looks at herself in the mirror, turns around looks at her ass, she shakes her head in disgust because it is so large. There is a knock on the door. She runs to the door, it is Chip)

Laura: Hey Chip.

Chip: Hey Laura, wow you look really great.

Laura: Thanks that is so sweet.

Chip: So how's the toilet?

Laura: (kind of upset that this is what he brought up to talk about) Oh fine, thanks again. So what have you been up to?

Chip: I just got back tom ice fishing. It was awesome. Me and my cousin Eddie were up there for 6 days. It was great because it was so warm, like 10 degrees. We had a blast. (The whole time Laura is just nodding politely even though she is completely bored to tears with Chip's whole story) The first day we got up at 4:30 and headed right out. Our shanty kind of smelled like decaying fish and stale beer but we caught a nice size walleye in only 9 hours out there. (Laura is still nodding) You just can't beat a trip where you don't have to shower for 6 days. (Laura is shocked at this comment but she keeps the same uninterested demeanor) You should come with us next year.

Laura: (sarcastically) Definitely! Hey where are we going to eat?

Chip: You like Subway?

Laura: Uh ya I guess.

Chip: You ready? Let's go.

Laura: Sure. (She grabs her bag an they head out)

(Back to Mike and Nikki, Nikki is getting loud and pretty intoxicated)

Mike: Would you excuse me pumpkin pie?

Nikki: Oh ya!

(Mike heads to the bathroom and takes the engagement ring out and shakes his head like he is not going to propose because Nikki is so inebriated. He puts the ring back in his pocket and heads back to the table where he sees Nikki with her drink in her hand flapping her arms like a chicken. A few waiters are around her laughing because she is telling a joke.

Mike: Having fun dumpling?

Nikki: Oh ya! (Mike sits down at their table looking a little sad.

(Cut over to Chip and Laura entering Subway. Everyone yells out 'Chip' like people would yell Norm when he entered the Cheers bar.

Chip: What's up guys? How's the new chicken teriyaki selling?

Subway Employee #1: Great!

Subway Employee #2: Who's the fox Chip?

Chip: This is my Valentine's date, Laura.

Subway Employee #1: You are a lucky chick Laura.

Subway Employee #2: Ya Laura, Chip is the B - O - M - B.

(Laura looks confused like what the heck are these guys talking about)

Laura: Ya thanks.

(Cut to Salvatores, Mike and Nikki are leaving and they have and they have to walk through the bar area to exit and they see Scott at the bar with a buff, sexy looking guy.)

Nikki: Scott!

Scott: (Embarrassed) Oh hey guys, what are you doing here?

Nikki: I told you that we were coming here tonight for dinner silly. (Scott is even more embarrassed)

Mike: Who is this Scott? (like introduce us to your friend)

Scott's Friend (In gay sounding voice): Oh hi, I am Felipe. (They shake his hand)

Mike: Well nice meeting you, we have to get going.

Nikki: See ya guys, have fun!

(Cut back to Subway, Chip and Laura are eating their footlong subs)

Chip: This is a very special date for me.

Laura: What? Why?

Chip: I never got to tell you. You know Jarret?

Laura: That guy that used to be fat and he ate Subway and lost all that weight?

Chip: Ya, well I started using the Jarret method one year ago today. I was 312 pounds.

Laura: You are kidding me. You were on the Jarret diet eating these disgusting sandwiches for a year?

Chip: Shhh. The sandwich artists might hear you. They saved my life you know? The least you can do is show a little respect for the sandwich's sake.

Laura: Sorry Chip, I did not know how much these sandwiches meant to you.

Chip: Thanks Laura, it is really nice for me to be able to be myself around you.

(Zoom in on Laura's face, she now looks pissed off because she is finding out how much of a loser Chip is)

(Cut to Mike and Laura in the car)

Mike: Do you want to run through a drive-thru since you got sick at dinner.

Nikki: Yes, please. I am so sorry I got so drunk at dinner and puked up that lobster.

Mike: It's OK tinker-bell. (Mike pulls car up to Mc Donald's and gets a big grin on his face.) What do you want?

Nikki: I'll take a #2 (Mike giggles)

Laura: What do you want?

Mike: I want to marry you.

Nikki: What? (Mike pulls out the ring)

Mike: Nikki will you be my wife?

Nikki: Yes! Yes! I love you!

(Cars start honking because they are in the way and the Mc Donald's employee yells)

We have your order! Please drive through!

(They start kissing)

(Cut to Chip walking Laura to her door)

Chip: I had a perfect evening. Can I call you again?

Laura: I will call you.

Chip: You have my number right?

Laura: It's on a number on a magnet on our fridge. You're our plumber remember?

Chip: You consider me your plumber? Sweet. (He sways a fist like in the 'yes' motion) Good night.

Laura: See ya. (She walks into the empty apartment but hears Scott moaning through the wall. She pours a drink of hard booze and sits at the kitchen table all depressed about Chip) What a loser he is ....

--Scene 10--

(Nikki wakes up and scratches her head, and then grabs her head. She is hungover. She looks at her finger and sees the engagement ring. She nudges Mike.)

Nikki: Mike, what is this?

Mike: (all groggy and sleepy) We got engaged last night baby. Don't you remember?

Nikki: (Embarrassed) I only remember drinking. I remember some guy named Felipe. Was he with us at dinner?

Mike: Damn I forgot we ran into Scott and he was with some dude, Felipe.

Nikki: Is Scott gay?

Mike: I don't know. He sure as hell acts gay as a big bucket of gay.

Nikki: I can't believe we're engaged. I have so many ex-boyfriends to call.

Mike: Oh Sweetie. (They walk out of the bedroom, Nikki is still in the outfit she was wearing the night before. They run into Laura in the hall.)

Laura: How was last night?

Nikki: I'm engaged! (They hug and are hopping up and down in excitement then they settle down.)

Mike: How was your date Laura?

Laura: Oh, real good.

Nikki: That's great, did the plumber guy check the toilet again?

Laura: Nikki!

(Laura was walking with the garbage, she is taking it out, she walks toward the door, opens it quietly and in the hall she sees Scott kissing Felipe like he stayed over, was wearing the clothes from the night before. She closes the door quietly since they still have not heard or seen her. She sits with her back to the door and starts to cry. Nikki sees Laura crying.

Nikki: What's wrong Laura?

Laura: I went to Subway last night for Valentine's Day with the new Jarett and the love of my life is gay!

Nikki: Oh there there. It's OK.

Laura: It is not OK! Everything sucks!

Nikki: Hey our toilet is finally working. (Laura cracks a smile, they hug.)