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Work One Liners ideas

Hopefully this list of Work One Liners ideas will inspire you. it really is one of the highlights of fun times


Even though you are can't think of one yourself - check out these ideas and suggestions for great one liners.

  • I get plenty of exercise – jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
  • I got a part in a movie called "Cocaine". I only have one line.
  • Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?
  • Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
  • Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
  • How do construction workers party? They raise the roof.
  • The reason we “nod off to sleep” is so it looks like we’re just emphatically agreeing with everything when we’re in a boring meeting.
  • A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
  • A homeless guy asked me for 2 pounds, so I gave him 1.67 because that’s what a woman would get paid for doing the same job.
  • A healthy sleep not only makes your life longer, but also shortens the workday.
  • Those who cannot teach – administrate.
  • When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
  • Now that women are jockeys, baseball umpires, atomic scientists, and business executives, maybe someday they can master parallel parking.
  • When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, "A very good doctor".
  • Psychiatry is a waste of good couches; why should I make a psychiatrist laugh, and then pay him?
  • I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning. She said, "How do you know he was on his way to work?"
  • Life is scary; at least the salary is funny.
  • Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.
  • Well, we can't stand about here doing nothing; people will think we're workmen.
  • Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
  • By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task overwhelm me.
  • Dance Dance Revolution is an intense game but an even more intense to-do list
  • Last week the candle factory burned down… everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.
  • Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
  • To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
  • Signwriters have their work cut out, don't they?
  • Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions that no one has asked them.
  • I use artificial sweetener at work. I add it to everything I say to my boss.
  • I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
  • The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Resturant In Peace.
  • If you're gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes – make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast.
  • You think when gym teachers are younger, they’re thinking, “You know, I want to teach, but I don’t want to read?”
  • Archaeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins.
  • Employment Agency: Where people are put in their place.
  • He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
  • When it comes to work, change is inevitable, except from the vending machine.
  • If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
  • Things really haven’t gotten worse. We’ve just improved our inter-departmental communication skills.
  • Some people say the glass is half full. Some people say the glass is half empty. Engineers say the glass is twice as big as necessary.
  • To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
  • I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  • Lawyers really aren't so bad, it's just ninety-nine percent of lawyers that make the rest look bad.
  • I’m a character actor, which is a polite way of saying ‘ugly.’
  • Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.
  • I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
  • Retire? … I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left.
  • I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
  • I don’t work well under pressure… or any other circumstance.
  • Currently the flower business is blooming.
  • A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station…
  • If you really want something in life you have to work for it; now quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery numbers.
  • If homework goes too easy you are doing it wrong.
  • The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.
  • I couldn’t work today because of an eye problem. I just can’t see myself working today.
  • Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.
  • A dog has an owner. A cat has a staff.
  • The chief distinction of a diplomat is that he can say no in such a way that it sounds like yes.
  • Be content to remember that those who can make omelets properly can do nothing else.
  • Keep the dream alive: hit the snooze button.
  • It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose.
  • Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
  • Anything that could possibly go wrong often does – as well as a thing or two that couldn’t possibly.
  • Why kill time when you can make it work for you?
  • I’m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
  • Uber lost over a billion dollars in the last six months so they're asking their drivers to check between the seat cushions.
  • If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
  • If a job's worth doing, it's too hard.
  • When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”.
  • It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
  • The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
  • There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.
  • I always tell new hires, don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as a friend who can fire you.
  • It's better to have business with a drunk professional than a sober idiot.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
  • The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job.
  • The golden rule of work is that the bosses jokes are always funny.
  • Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
  • Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
  • A trade unionist is someone who hates his job and is afraid someone will take it from him.
  • I think this generation will have to go into separate rooms and text each other to work out their problems.
  • Interior Decorator: A man who does things to your house he wouldn’t dream of doing to his own.
  • My neighbor obviously doesn't watch porn, she asked me to fix her sink 2 hours ago and I'm still fixing her sink.
  • When there are no volunteers, they get appointed.
  • I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
  • I was going to be a computer forensics expert, but couldn't hack IT.
  • I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
  • There are two essential rules of management: One: the customer is always right. Two: they must be punished for their arrogance.
  • There’s no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.
  • What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute? Your job still sucks!
  • My annual performance review says I lack “passion and intensity.” I guess management hasn’t seen me alone with a Big Mac.
  • Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  • Retirement: The time of life when you stop lying about your age and start lying about the house.
  • I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
  • If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.
  • A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
  • People are always available for work in the past tense.
  • Living up to ideals is like doing everyday work with your Sunday clothes on.
  • My first job was being a diesel fitter at a pantyhose factory. As they came off the line, I would hold them up and say, "yeah, Deez-el fit her."
  • I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
  • Progress is made by lazy people looking for an easier way to do things.
  • I don’t think I got the job at Microsoft™… they didn’t respond to my telegram.
  • I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks
  • A work week is so rough that after Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.
  • When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell.
  • If our boss makes a mistake, it is our mistake.
  • If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
  • We have enough youth. How about a fountain of “Smart”?
  • My job is secure. No one else wants it.
  • In the morning be first up, and in the evening last to go to bed, for they that sleep catch no fish.
  • My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day so I told him I'd start lying to my wife.
  • What will get you promoted on one level will get you killed on another.
  • Things could always be worse; for instance, you could be ugly and work in the Post Office.
  • Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.
  • My resumé is just a list of things I hope you never ask me to do.
  • The only thing worse than seeing something done wrong is seeing it done slowly.
  • You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
  • Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
  • My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. I’m still employed. I just can’t remember where.
  • The boss frowns on anyone yelling: “Hey Weirdo!” He says too many people look up from their work.
  • A man can do more than he thinks he can, but he usually does less than he thinks he does.
  • I have all the money I’ll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.
  • How do construction workers party? they raise the roof.
  • When in doubt, mumble.
  • Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
  • All I'm saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
  • To err is human, to blame it on someone else shows management potential.
  • Those who rise to executive positions lack the qualifications for anything lower.
  • If every day is a gift, I’d like a receipt for Monday. I want to exchange it for another Friday.
  • People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now.
  • Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous; when I was sixty-five, I still had pimples.
  • If work were good for you, the rich would leave none for the poor.
  • I asked the corporate wellness officer, “Can you teach me yoga?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
  • Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.
  • Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
  • I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
  • I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
  • When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
  • If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine… look into that second, less painful career.
  • I have long been of the opinion that if work were such a splendid thing the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.
  • The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to upset you.
  • Housework is what a woman does that nobody notices unless she hasn't done it.
  • My boss says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
  • The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
  • Most of the people dream of not working and having lots of money. During an economic crisis 50 % of those dreams came true.
  • He who can, does; he who cannot, teaches.
  • Love can be sordid only if you work at it.
  • Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?
  • The reward for a job well done is more work.