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Wife One Liners ideas

Hopefully this list of Wife One Liners ideas will inspire you. it really is one of the highlights of fun times


Even though you are can't think of one yourself - check out these ideas and suggestions for great one liners.

  • Every wife should understand one thing: a dinner will taste better if she cooks it less frequently.
  • To a young housewife: remember that a small bottle of vodka not only will decorate the table but also will hide your cooking mistakes.
  • Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
  • What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
  • I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, 'There's water in the carburettor'. I said, 'Where's the car?' She said, 'In the lake.' (Henny Youngman)
  • Any husband who says. 'My wife and I are completely equal partners', is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. (Bill Cosby)
  • What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.
  • Why didn't the man report his stolen credit card? The thief was spending less then his wife.
  • My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely.
  • Marriage is like a bar of soap. It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it!
  • Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it!
  • You can make a lot of money in this game; just ask my ex-wives; both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.
  • What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down? Married.
  • My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!
  • Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
  • It is better to have an ugly wife for one’s self than a beautiful wife for others.
  • A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
  • What's the best way to get a man to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.
  • People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.
  • The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
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  • I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex; last night, she called me from a motel.
  • Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough. - Groucho Marx
  • When a newly married woman smiles, all know why, but when a ten-years married woman smiles, all wonder why.
  • Outvoted 1-1 by my wife again.
  • What's the difference between wife and a blue whale? About 10 pounds.
  • You should argue with your wife only when she's not around.
  • Before the wedding I have loved all the women on earth, after the wedding one woman less.
  • Satan probably wouldn’t have talked so big if God had been his wife.
  • Never get on one knee for a girl who won't get on two for you.
  • With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand; she lit it.
  • You shouldn't come back, because later you'll still want to leave.
  • I am a very committed wife, and I should be committed too – for being married so many times.
  • My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)
  • The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. - Ann Bancroft
  • What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They're married.
  • My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. - Rita Rudner
  • What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis? You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.
  • It's better to be the first lover than a third wife.
  • I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don't like to interrupt her.
  • I never mind my wife having the last word; in fact, I’m delighted when she gets to it.
  • My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.
  • Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller)
  • A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.
  • What happened when the two angels got married? They lived harpily ever after!
  • The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
  • Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesn't change soon, I'm gonna divorce her.
  • I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
  • Marriage Jokes and One-liners Researched by Alan Turnham
  • Childs experience: if a mother is laughing at the fathers jokes, it means they have guests.
  • A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
  • How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it!
  • Dear men, if you stopped seeing your wife as a woman, it doesn't mean that all men are blind.
  • What are the three words women hate to hear during sex? "Honey, I'm home!"
  • My wife installed a mirror over our bed. She said she likes to watch herself laugh.
  • Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.
  • The other day my wife asked me to take her someplace real expensive to eat, so I took her to the airport.
  • A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
  • The only thing worse than a man you can't control is a man you can.
  • Funny Marriage Notions Worth Remembering
  • Now, it’s true I married my wife for her looks… but not the ones she's been givin’ me lately.
  • Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day. - Mickey Rooney (married 8 times)
  • A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. (Milton Berle)
  • Darling, you are the most beautiful woman in this party! Did you invite these guests on purpose?
  • Marriage is like deleting all the apps on your phone except one.
  • Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
  • You can't know a person well until you live with them. You can't know them really well until you divorce them.
  • My ex wrote to me: Can you delete my number? I responded: Who is this?
  • Men live better than women. First of all, they get married later and secondly, they die earlier.
  • Marriage is the main reason for divorce.
  • There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
  • A wife can enjoy anything, until it's not my salary.
  • Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
  • My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
  • Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
  • Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
  • My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
  • Bride: A gal who puts her foot down as soon as her new husband has carried her over the threshold.
  • Marriage:is like going to a restaurant You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
  • You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication!
  • Love is one long sweet dream... and marriage is the alarm clock.
  • Why can't single women fart? They don't get an asshole till they get married.
  • My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield
  • Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
  • An iron rule of a leader – make love to your wife in the morning and you will be the first.
  • Brigands demand your money or your life, women require both. (Samuel Butler)
  • It's uncomfortable when the neighbor's kids look like you.
  • A wife is like a boomerang – the harder you throw the faster she comes back.
  • Anonymous Marriage One-liners
  • It's not a flaw to have a husband, but an essential drawback to have a wife.
  • Only after getting married you realise that those husband-wife jokes were not just jokes.
  • It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
  • The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.
  • My wife and I had a two-hour fight about whether or not we were fighting.
  • I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery. (Rita Rudner)
  • A good wife is one who can mow the lawn in the summer and put up the storm windows in the winter.
  • My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
  • If a man goes cheats for four times, according to the rules of geometry, he will come home.
  • When I met my wife I wanted sex in the worst way… and I got it.
  • She is not my reword, I am her punishment.
  • Losing a husband can be hard: in my case it was almost impossible.
  • It's a sin to love another's wife and a punishment to love yours.
  • What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Yell at her.
  • I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married they send over a lady in a housecoat and curlers to burn my toast for me. - Dick Martin
  • A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. - Phyllis Diller
  • Get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
  • The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)
  • Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet. - Mae West
  • Ξ
  • My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. (Henny Youngman)
  • I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)
  • You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
  • Five Fun Facts and Funny Marriage Trivia
  • How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
  • Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
  • I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
  • Most wives are like ventriloquists: they stand there nodding while the dummy does all the talking.
  • What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 pounds.
  • Love is blind, only marriage opens your eyes.
  • People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. - Erma Bombeck
  • Why does the bride always wear white? Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
  • You might be a redneck if… you think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
  • What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes.
  • It's like my ex-wife… 21 different personalities and seven of them hated me.
  • My son asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
  • I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
  • Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail.
  • I married a German. Every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me. - Bette Midler
  • The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right."
  • Why do husbands die before their wives? They want to.
  • Husbands are chiefly good lovers when they are betraying their wives.
  • The gifts you buy your wife are never as appropriate as the gifts your neighbor buys his wife.
  • I take my wife everywhere… but she keeps finding her way back.
  • You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
  • When you want to marry a beautiful, a smart and a rich woman – marry three times.
  • At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
  • I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
  • Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.
  • Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. - Phyllis Diller
  • What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground? Shoot him again.
  • Do you need space? Join NASA!
  • Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
  • By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. - Socrates
  • How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
  • In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker. - Woody Allen
  • Once in a restaurant I made a toast to her… “The best woman a man ever had”… the waiter joined me.
  • What's the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck.
  • About 30 pounds. - Cindy Garner
  • If you can't say something nice, say it to your husband... he's not listening anyway.
  • What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.
  • Marriage is like waiting in line for a ride at an amusement park. You spend 99% of the time pissed off for 1% of intense pleasure.
  • How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?
  • If a wife is silent and not arguing – it means she's sleeping.
  • Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
  • The value of money in a relationship: the 10 bucks that the wife and the tax inspection don't know about are worth more than the 100 that both know about.
  • A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
  • The most dangerous room in the house really depends on where your wife is at the moment.
  • My wife's not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled. She said, "All kids smell that way."
  • Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin)
  • I never could bring a woman into my house. At first, because of the parents. Later, because of the wife.
  • Marriage One-liners an Jokes
  • You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. (Henny Youngman) [For those who do not know him, Henny (not Henry) Youngman was an American stand up comedian.]
  • Marriage Jokes and One-liners
  • What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
  • If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
  • Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that... 'This conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purpose'
  • I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
  • I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
  • I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
  • Dear ladies, if you want to have more free time and have fun on the weekends, teach your men fishing!
  • May you never leave your marriage alive.
  • At the end of the Peterson trial, my daughter turns to me and she goes, 'Daddy, are you going to kill Mommy?'… 'Oh, honey – that's up to Mommy, isn't it?'