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Time Puns

Absolutely hillarious time one-liners! Large collection of best time one-line joke puns

You Need Some Time Puns

  • I thought I was just really tired but it's been 5 years so I guess this is how I look now.
  • People who write "u" instead of "you". What do you do with all the time you save?
  • When your kids are little you're a superhero. When they're teens you're a super villain. After that, your only power is invisibility.
  • Sorry I'm late. I was trying to think of ways to get out of this.
  • Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
  • Stephen Hawking says we've got about 1,000 years to find a new place to live. That isn't even enough time for my girlfriend to pack.
  • Just tell me when and where and I'll be there 20 minutes late.
  • Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
  • I just hired a private investigator to find out what I do all day.
  • I let my kids follow their dreams, unless I already paid the registration fee on their last dream, then they follow that for 6-8 more weeks.
  • By the time you learn the rules of life, you're too old to play the game.
  • Last time I got caught stealing a calendar I got 12 months.
  • The sun is going to go out in 4 billion years, and you sit there and act like everything is fine.
  • In my spare time I like to read, write, and fall in love with unavailable people.
  • They're finally making a movie called clocks. It's about time.
  • The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
  • 6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.
  • Why kill time when you can make it work for you?
  • I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
  • By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.
  • If every day is a gift, I'd like a receipt for Monday. I want to exchange it for another Friday.
  • Retirement is the time in your life when time is no longer money.
  • I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
  • I could be a morning person. If morning started around noon.
  • Ever tried eating a clock? It's very time consuming.
  • The light at the end of the tunnel... might just be an incoming train.
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  • We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.
  • Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we're married and live together so I'd have to see them every day.
  • Don't go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
  • When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper "You did this."
  • I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.
  • Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
  • If time is money are ATM's time machines?
  • A man to a woman," Did you see my watch? I was so busy that I didn't have time to find it."