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Quotes Funny Life Lessons  

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  • My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
  • You’ve heard of the three ages of man – youth, age, and you are looking wonderful.
  • I’ve always said that in politics, your enemies can’t hurt you, but your friends will kill you.
  • Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by a**holes.
  • Women Who Seek To Be Equal With Men Lack Ambition.
  • An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
  • I drink to make other people more interesting.
  • You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.
  • My theory is that the hardest work anyone does in life is to appear normal.
  • Go through life like a duck: Majestic on top, kicking like hell underneath.
  • A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.
  • You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you.
  • When a man goes on a date, he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.
  • We go through life thinking we’re invincible, but the truth is we’re totally vincible.
  • Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.
  • Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.
  • I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.
  • Bisexuality Immediately Doubles Your Chances For A Date On Saturday Night.
  • We Are All Here On Earth To Help Others; What On Earth The Others Are Here For I Don’t Know.
  • Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman is that one of them must be good at taking orders.
  • When a woman becomes her own best friend life is easier.
  • Remember, if you’re headed in the wrong direction, Life considers U-turns to be legal, in all jurisdictions.
  • You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.
  • There are three intolerable things in life – cold coffee, lukewarm champagne, and overexcited women.
  • Man was made at the end of the week’s work when God was tired.
  • Two Things Are Infinite, The Universe And Human Stupidity, And I Am Not Yet Completely Sure About The Universe.
  • You cannot soar with the eagles as long as you hang out with the turkeys.
  • The mind is like a clock that is constantly running down. It has to be wound up daily with good thoughts.
  • Sports are the reason I am out of shape. I watch them all on TV.
  • I believe in loyalty. When a woman reaches an age she likes, she should stick with it. My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.
  • No Man Has A Good Enough Memory To Be A Successful Liar.
  • How many roads must a man walk down before he admits he’s lost?
  • By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
  • A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctors book.
  • Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both.
  • Why is a birthday cake the only food you can blow on and spit on and everybody rushes to get a piece?
  • By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
  • Some Cause Happiness Wherever They Go; Others, Whenever They Go.
  • There is a vast difference between the savage and the civilized man, but it is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast. Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
  • Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.
  • Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for an hour. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
  • An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
  • True friends stab you in the front.
  • It is a common delusion that you can make things better by talking about them.
  • Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice.
  • Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.
  • Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
  • The difference between being in a relationship and being in prison is that in prisons they let you play softball on the weekends.
  • If you dig a grave for others you may fall into it yourself.
  • If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
  • You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
  • The two most common elements in the world are hydrogen and stupidity.
  • It’s True Hard Work Never Killed Anybody, But I Figure, Why Take The Chance?
  • Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.
  • Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
  • I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it.
  • Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way when you do criticize him, you’ll be are a mile away and have his shoes!
  • Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.
  • If someone ever asks you to do something for them, do it really bad so you never have to do it again.
  • Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.
  • You cant shine like a diamond, if you not willing to get cut like a diamond!
  • Life’s a garden… dig it.
  • Wine Is Constant Proof That God Loves Us And Loves To See Us Happy.
  • To Err Is Human, To Blame It On Somebody Else Shows Management Potential.
  • Life is always walking up to us and saying, ‘Come on in, the living’s fine,’ and what do we do? Back off and take its picture.
  • It Takes Considerable Knowledge Just To Realize The Extent Of Your Own Ignorance.
  • Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway. There is nothing better than a friend unless it is a friend with chocolate.
  • I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I’m awake, you know?
  • If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal.
  • The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
  • Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
  • Watch something funny. Laughter is great medicine, especially for what worries you.
  • Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.
  • What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.
  • My wife and I were happy for 20 years – then we met.
  • You can’t always control who walks into your life but, you CAN control which window you throw them out of…
  • When Opportunity Knocks, Some People Are In The Backyard Looking For Four-leaf Clovers.
  • The distinguishing mark of man is the hand, the instrument with which he does all his mischief.
  • My way of joking is to tell the truth. It’s the funniest joke in the world.
  • Men kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn’t seem to crack. Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces.
  • It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it’s called Life.
  • The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason, he wants a woman, as the most dangerous plaything.
  • We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.
  • A woman can say more in a sigh than a man can say in a sermon.
  • People who are wrapped up in themselves make small packages.
  • If you are always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be.
  • The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
  • Always Borrow Money From A Pessimist. He Won’t Expect It Back.
  • My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.
  • Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
  • The truth hurts, and so would you if you were stretched as much.
  • Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.
  • Everything Is Funny, As Long As It’s Happening To Somebody Else.
  • A Bargain Is Something You Don’t Need At A Price You Can’t Resist.
  • In heaven, all the interesting people are missing.
  • Life is an onion and one cries while peeling it.
  • To attract men, I wear a perfume called New Car Interior.
  • Life is hard, after all, it kills you.
  • If you reach for a star, you might not get one. But you wont come up with a hand full of mud either.
  • If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.
  • Be excellent and party on dudes.
  • Going to church doesn’t make you a christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.