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Quick One Liners ideas

Hopefully this list of Quick One Liners ideas will inspire you. it really is one of the highlights of fun times


Even though you are can't think of one yourself - check out these ideas and suggestions for great one liners.

  • What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
  • My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.
  • The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
  • What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.
  • I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over. – Milton Jones
  • A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
  • I told the Inland Revenue I don’t owe them a penny. I live by the seaside. – Ken Dodd
  • I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, What’s the word on the street?
  • How does NASA organize their company parties? They planet.
  • Hear about the new restaurant called ‘Karma’? There’s no menu, you only get what you deserve.
  • How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
  • A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
  • The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.
  • I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any. – Tommy Cooper
  • Recently I went on a ballooning holiday – I put on four stone! – Milton Jones
  • I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. – Nick Helm
  • Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
  • For anyone who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember that's where the knives are kept.
  • What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? Thanks! I’ll never part with it!
  • What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.
  • Relationships are like fat people... Most of them don't work out.
  • What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies? Snowballs
  • So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
  • My wife – it’s difficult to say what she does. She sells seashells on the seashore. – Milton Jones
  • I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.
  • You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee. – Milton Jones
  • Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant. Therefore, chocolate is salad.
  • What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack? The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
  • What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
  • I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess. – Matt Kirshen
  • A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He’s now a seasoned veteran.
  • I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
  • I'm in shape... Unfortunately, it's the shape of a potato.
  • Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.
  • I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it. – Ken Dodd
  • I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah. I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.'
  • Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.
  • I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going there.
  • I’m addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.
  • A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals. – Peter Kay
  • I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time. – Tom Ward
  • It takes a lot of balls to golf like me.
  • Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
  • Just changed my Facebook name to 'No one' so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say 'No one likes this'.
  • Looking at my face is like reading in the car. It’s all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick. – Andrew Lawrence
  • This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
  • What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
  • The best time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast. – Demetri Martin
  • Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
  • What’s E.T. short for? He’s only got little legs.
  • (Photo: BBC) The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. Especially if you’ve got hay fever. – Milton Jones
  • Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a well known six offender.
  • What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
  • If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
  • I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper – dicing with death.
  • I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
  • Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle.
  • I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said Thanks! I said Don’t mention it.
  • What do you call two fat people having a chat? -- A heavy discussion
  • My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
  • Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes for the mafia. I was involved in very organised crime. – Milton Jones
  • Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  • Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side.
  • Running away doesn't help you with your problems... unless you're fat.
  • I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
  • What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.
  • Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.
  • How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
  • This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?'
  • Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.
  • I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
  • What's the difference between a smart man and a stupid man? Nothing. They both think they know everything.
  • You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.
  • Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives.
  • Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
  • What do you call a bear with no teeth? -- A gummy bear!
  • What does a nosy pepper do? Gets jalapeño business!
  • Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.
  • My grandfather invented the cold air balloon. It never really took off. – Milton Jones
  • What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
  • I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
  • Why did the blonde get excited after finishing her puzzle in 6 months? -- The box said 2-4 years!
  • A magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store.
  • What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink? Wataaaaah!
  • Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
  • Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. We don’t serve your type! shouts the barman.
  • Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally.
  • Toughest job I ever had? Selling doors, door-to-door. – Bill Bailey
  • My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He’s a catholic converter.
  • Never trust atoms. They make up everything.
  • My New Year’s resolution is to get in shape. I choose round. – Sarah Millican
  • Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He needed a little space.
  • Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.
  • Two monkeys were getting into the bath. One said: ‘Oo, oo, aah.’ The other replied:‘Put some cold in then. – Harry Hill
  • What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.
  • I changed all my passwords to "incorrect", so that whenever I forget, it will tell me, "Your password is incorrect."
  • Hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not… – Milton Jones
  • This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, ‘I want you to trace someone for me.'
  • A man tells his doctor, Help me. I’m addicted to Twitter! The doctor replies, Sorry, I’m not following you.
  • Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? -- She didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills!
  • I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ‘that’s Abba-riginal.'
  • My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said 40.
  • It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
  • Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like banana.
  • What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyoncé.
  • This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.
  • What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
  • Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge? – Dan Antolpolski
  • I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. Then it dawned on me.
  • Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly.
  • Exit signs? They’re on the way out!
  • Why do we tell actors to ‘break a leg?’ Because every play has a cast.
  • As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay – it’s in my jeans.
  • I failed my driver's test today. The instructor asked me "What do you do at a red light?" I said "I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook."
  • Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?
  • Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.
  • What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.
  • What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.
  • I hate Russian dolls… so full of themselves!
  • I didn’t know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
  • I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh. No pun in 10 did.
  • Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, Weeoouhh. The next whale says, Shut up, Steve. You’re drunk.
  • They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.
  • Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.
  • I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed.
  • Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines.
  • My granddad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from London Zoo.
  • I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
  • I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters. It’s shift work.
  • I once farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
  • If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.
  • How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive west.
  • How does NASA organise a party? They planet.
  • There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
  • Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood.
  • My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements. One day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times. – Milton Jones
  • My friend says to me: What rhymes with orange? I said: No it doesn’t!
  • If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea; does that mean that one enjoys it?
  • I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets? Then it hit me.
  • I used to like my neighbors, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi.
  • Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note, it said ‘Parking Fine.’
  • Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
  • Old people at weddings always poke me and say "you're next". So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
  • There’s no I in Denial.
  • Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
  • Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle!
  • What do you call a dog that does magic tricks? A labracadabrador.
  • What does a nosey pepper do? Get jalapeño business.
  • I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
  • I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
  • My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
  • I'm not saying she's fat. But if I had to name 5 of the fattest people I know. She'd be three of them.
  • I’ve decided to sell my Hoover – it was just collecting dust.
  • I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.
  • I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue?’ I said ‘No, just a watch.'
  • If con is the opposite of pro, it must mean Congress is the opposite of progress?