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Funny Puns

The best - Puns and Jokes - So Much Pun - funny puns ...


Puns that are the best. So fun!

  • Why not go out on a limb? Isn’t that where all the fruit is?
  • What do you call a Spanish pig? Porque
  • Towels can’t tell jokes
  • Two florists got married. It was an arranged marriage.
  • I ordered 2000 lbs. of chinese soup. It was Won Ton.
  • What is red and occasionally explodes in the fruit section? A pomegranate.
  • “Curses! Foil again!”
  • I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
  • I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.
  • “But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.
  • A mexican magician was doing a magic trick. He said, Uno, Dose, and he disappeared without a trace
  • I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
  • “How is your long distance relationship going?” – “So far, so good.”
  • Heard about the drug addict fisherman who accidentally caught a duck? Now he's hooked on the quack.
  • My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.
  • My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.
  • Police in Tampa, Florida, raided and shut down a weekly $4-a-round mah-jongg game played by four elderly women. The Week asked its readers for titles of crime movies that could be made about this bust:
  • A termite walks into a bar and says, "Where is the bar tender?"
  • A guy was admitted to hospital with 8 plastic horses in his stomach. His condition is now stable. Why did the balloon go near the needle? He wanted to be a pop star.
  • I don't trust these stairs because they're always up to something.
  • What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous
  • My Daily Regimen
  • What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
  • I am on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
  • Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah
  • My socks got really holy. I can only wear them to church. Whenever I undress in the bathroom, my shower gets turned on. If you spent your day in a well, can you say your day was well-spent? I Googled "how to start a wildfire". I got 48,500 matches. A patient bursts into a doctor’s office, "Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of cards!" The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room, please, I'll be dealing with you later." A Spanish magician has a grand magical show and at the end he says he will disappear after counting to three. He starts to count, “Un, dos…” Kazaam! He vanished without a tres.
  • I used to be a banker but I lost interest
  • Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”
  • Why don't programmers like nature? It has too many bugs.
  • Oxygen is proven to be a toxic gas. Anyone who inhales oxygen will normally dies within 80 years.
  • I was hoping to steal some leftovers from the party but I guess my plans were foiled. Which country’s capital is the fastest growing? Ireland’s. Every year it’s Dublin. Never date cross eyed people. They might be seeing somebody on the side! Apparently taking a day off is not something you should do when you work for a calendar company.
  • What do you call a dictionary on drugs? HIGH-Definition.
  • Did you hear the joke about the German sausage? It was the wurst.
  • Why did the gym close down? – It just didn’t work out.
  • I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. What a waste of thyme.
  • Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet? But most have 4
  • What kind of car does a sheep drive? A Lamborghini, but if that breaks down they drive their SuBAHHru
  • I always wanted to marry an Archeologist. The older I would get, the more interested she would become!
  • It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
  • I cant do alot of math but i can do SUM of it.
  • I suffer from kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something for it.
  • Atoms are untrustworthy little critters. They make up everything!
  • Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
  • Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
  • I ate too much Middle Eastern food. Now I FAALAFEL.
  • What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha.
  • A few months ago, Hamas “arrested” a dolphin for being an Israeli spy. Readers of Reason magazine came up with titles for?the film this action might inspire:
  • Daddy somebody’s at the door. He’s collecting for the district’s new indoor swimming pool. Ok, give him a bucket of water then. A terrorist enters a McDonalds. The cashier asks: “Hello sir, what would you like to eat?” The terrorist: “Nothing, I’m so full I’m about to explode.” Jokes about unemployed people are not funny. They just don't work. What to say to a hitch-hiker with just one leg? Hop in. “Why is there music coming out of your printer?” “That will be the paper jamming again!”
  • Who was Socrates’ worst student? Mediocrities. Who was his busiest student? The one with a lot on his Plato
  • Did you hear about the boy who tried to catch fog? He mist.
  • Don't spell part backwards. It's a trap.
  • I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  • What's the difference of deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are a $1.75, but deer nut are under a buck.
  • RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
  • I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
  • Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.
  • eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
  • Q. How much room should you give fungi to grow?
  • A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
  • The energizer bunny went to jail
  • What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef
  • A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even own bikes...
  • Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.
  • We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.
  • I asked my boss if I can come to work a little late today. He said “Dream on.” I think that was really nice of him. One pen to the other: You are INKredible. Two wi-fi antennas got married last Saturday. The reception was fantastic. It’s not nice making fun of fat people.- They’ve got enough on their plates as it is.
  • Why is peter pan always flying? He neverlands.
  • How do trees access the internet? They log on.
  • My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."
  • Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? They make up everything
  • What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea.
  • What do you get when you cross a bear with a skunk? Winnie the Pooh. A guy goes to a doctor because he’s got a strawberry growing out of his chest. The doctor looks and examines and finally says, “Let me give you some cream to put on it.” Which bees produce milk? The boo-bees! Jokes about PMS are NOT funny. Period.
  • Someone sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
  • I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
  • Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.
  • Two blondes were driving to Disneyland. The sign said, "Disneyland Left". So they started crying and went home.
  • A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy.
  • A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
  • Why does the norwegian navy have barcodes on their ships? So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian.
  • The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
  • Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  • I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
  • What Kind Of Exercise Do Lazy People Do?
  • I was addicted to the hokey pokey... but thankfully, I turned myself around.
  • A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason... details are sketchy.
  • I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
  • I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
  • Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
  • I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it
  • What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear
  • He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
  • Someone stole my toilet and the police have nothing to go on.
  • Dr.'s are saying not to worry about the bird flu because it's tweetable.
  • Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives
  • Two egotists started a fight. It was an I for an I.
  • If there was someone selling drugs in this place, weed know.
  • When is the best time to go to the dentist? Two-Thirty.
  • How did Jesus' crucifixion save us? It's 'cause he nailed it!
  • Did you hear they banned fans from doing "The Wave" at all sports events? Too many blondes were drowning.
  • What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
  • When she saw her first strands of gray, she thought she’d dye.
  • Why do cows lie down in the rain? To keep each udder dry.
  • I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
  • What is a ghost’s favorite fruit? Booberries!

 

 

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