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Funniest Status Messages Ever

Everyone loves good Funniest Status Messages Ever


See some super funniest status messages ever status:

  • A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it
  • We have enough gun control
  • The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
  • A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it
  • When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water
  • Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
  • I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you
  • I like work
  • So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness
  • The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble
  • This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
  • I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me
  • If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments
  • Virginity is like a soap bubble, one prick and it is gone
  • If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining
  • There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away
  • A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing
  • Why did Noah save those two mosquitos?
  • My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch
  • Knowledge is power, and power corrupts
  • If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea
  • God must love stupid people
  • If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?
  • If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich
  • Politicians and diapers have one thing in common
  • The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
  • War does not determine who is right - only who is left
  • If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
  • Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here
  • Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower
  • Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt
  • Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy
  • I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
  • Facebook account for sale, friends included!
  • Dogs have masters, cat have staff
  • I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila
  • God loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole
  • The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room
  • Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity
  • The kid's next door imaginary friend
  • Insert a coin to view my status message
  • When in doubt, mumble
  • You do not need a parachute to skydive
  • Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
  • A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist
  • If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong
  • Having sex is like playing bridge
  • A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer
  • The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
  • I used to be indecisive
  • Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it
  • Crowded elevators smell different to midgets
  • Never hit a man with glasses
  • Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR"
  • Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
  • Eat right, exercise, die anyway
  • Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't
  • "Yes is the answer"
  • Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
  • Some cause happiness wherever they go
  • He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame
  • It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end
  • My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right
  • I intend to live forever
  • To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target
  • Make love, not war
  • Laugh at your problems, everybody else does
  • I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks
  • I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it
  • Just remember
  • Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose
  • But it's still on the list
  • Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
  • Some people are like Slinkies
  • How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
  • You're never too old to learn something stupid
  • With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine
  • Some people hear voices
  • Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with
  • Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity
  • A bus station is where a bus stops
  • The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live
  • Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
  • Good girls are bad girls that never get caught
  • Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were
  • All men are born free; if they marry is their own fault
  • Always borrow money from a pessimist
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism
  • I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die
  • He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience
  • I'm in shape
  • Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen