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Best Puns

The best - Puns and Jokes - So Much Pun - funny puns ...


Puns that are the best. So fun!

  • Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible "Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
  • Did you hear about the 2 silk worms in a race? It ended in a tie!
  • A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even own bikes...
  • I ordered 2000 lbs. of chinese soup. It was Won Ton.
  • Did you hear they banned fans from doing "The Wave" at all sports events? Too many blondes were drowning.
  • eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
  • Two egotists started a fight. It was an I for an I.
  • Oxygen is proven to be a toxic gas. Anyone who inhales oxygen will normally dies within 80 years.
  • I always wanted to marry an Archeologist. The older I would get, the more interested she would become!
  • A group of termites marches into a saloon and ask: “Is the bar tender here?” I wonder why there aren’t any more cemeteries around. People are really dying to get in there. I saw an offer in a shop – “TV for $4.50 – the volume is stuck on maximum" – It was an offer I simply couldn’t turn down. Why is life in North Korea so hard? Because North Korea lost its Seoul. What were the words of a truck driver after he got a flat? Darn, this is a wheely bad time. I cannot stand insect puns. They bug the heck out of me. What is the computer’s favorite food? Microchips. How many Mexicans are necessary to screw in a light bulb? Only Juan.
  • I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
  • If a wild pig kills you, does it mean you’ve been boared to death?
  • What do you call a dictionary on drugs? HIGH-Definition.
  • What's the difference of deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are a $1.75, but deer nut are under a buck.
  • For Halloween we dressed up as almonds. Everyone could tell we were nuts.
  • Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
  • A termite walks into a bar and says, "Where is the bar tender?"
  • A guy was admitted to hospital with 8 plastic horses in his stomach. His condition is now stable. Why did the balloon go near the needle? He wanted to be a pop star.
  • What would you call a fish with a missing eye? A fsh, probably.
  • Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay. He woke up.
  • I don’t want to cut my hair! I’m really attached to it! Notice on a shoe repair shop: I’ll heel you, I’ll save your sole, I’ll even gladly dye for you. A man in a butcher shop: "I would like bull testicles please." Butcher: "Me too." I was trying to catch some fog earlier but I mist. Toilet paper plays an important role in my life. Why did the octopus blush? He’d just seen the bottom of the ocean!!!! Why does Peter Pan fly all the time? He Neverlands. Why are programmers no fans of the outdoors? There are too many bugs. I’d love to know how the Earth rotates. It would totally make my day. Why is the math book so sad? It's got too many problems! Have you heard about this dude who had to have his left leg and left arm amputated after a car crash? -- He's all right now.“ Nurse to a doctor: Doctor, here’s your list of heart, liver and kidney donors. I already sorted them alphabetically. Doctor: Excellent job. Seriously well organ-ized. Doctor: You're obese. Patient: For that I definitely want a second opinion. Doctor: You’re quite ugly, too. Do you think that when Han Solo married Princess Leia, she demanded that he change his name to Han Married? How do you organize a fantastic space party? You planet. Why was the tomato all red? It saw the salad dressing.
  • Heard about the drug addict fisherman who accidentally caught a duck? Now he's hooked on the quack.
  • I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
  • What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store? Guardians of the Galaxy.
  • My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.
  • What do you get when you cross a bear with a skunk? Winnie the Pooh. A guy goes to a doctor because he’s got a strawberry growing out of his chest. The doctor looks and examines and finally says, “Let me give you some cream to put on it.” Which bees produce milk? The boo-bees! Jokes about PMS are NOT funny. Period.
  • Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels!
  • I dig, you dig, she dig, we dig, you dig…the poem may not be beautiful, but it's certainly very deep. Why do mathematicians tend to marry larger women? Because they like curves. The guests in this hotel are always stealing soaps, shower gels and shampoos from their rooms. Dirty bastards! “I want to win 10 million in the lottery, just like my dad did!” “OMG, your dad won 10 million in the lottery?!” “No, but he always wanted to.” Your shit is my daily bread. Michael, 36, Sewage worker Wherever I go, I’m greeted with much warmth. Derek, 53, Fireman You’re becoming a vegetarian? I think that’s a big missed steak. Where do cows like to go in their spare time? In the Muuuuuuseum. Do you know how they make holy water? They boil the hell out of it! Velcros are just a big rip-off.
  • Two blondes were driving to Disneyland. The sign said, "Disneyland Left". So they started crying and went home.
  • I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
  • What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
  • I wanted to tell you a joke about leeches. But I won’t – they all suck. Do you know how Moses makes his tea? Hebrews it!
  • My socks got really holy. I can only wear them to church. Whenever I undress in the bathroom, my shower gets turned on. If you spent your day in a well, can you say your day was well-spent? I Googled "how to start a wildfire". I got 48,500 matches. A patient bursts into a doctor’s office, "Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of cards!" The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room, please, I'll be dealing with you later." A Spanish magician has a grand magical show and at the end he says he will disappear after counting to three. He starts to count, “Un, dos…” Kazaam! He vanished without a tres.
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  • I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
  • About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.
  • My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."
  • Daddy somebody’s at the door. He’s collecting for the district’s new indoor swimming pool. Ok, give him a bucket of water then. A terrorist enters a McDonalds. The cashier asks: “Hello sir, what would you like to eat?” The terrorist: “Nothing, I’m so full I’m about to explode.” Jokes about unemployed people are not funny. They just don't work. What to say to a hitch-hiker with just one leg? Hop in. “Why is there music coming out of your printer?” “That will be the paper jamming again!”
  • I hate peer pressure and you should too.
  • What is red and occasionally explodes in the fruit section? A pomegranate.
  • A bacon sandwich walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. “Sorry,” growls the bartender, “we don’t serve food here.” How to achieve a beach body? 1. Have a body 2. Arrive at the beach. Getting fat wasn’t my intention. It was a pure and clear snaccident. Does your wife scream when she is coming? No, my wife has a key to the door. Would you mind if I took a picture of you naked? Sure, why not – if it isn’t too cold for you here? How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? Well, one, but the lightbulb really has to change itself. Why didn’t the toilet paper go down the water slide like everybody else? Well, he got stuck in the crack. There were two straw hats on a hanger. One of them said to the other, “Tell you what, you enjoy yourself here for a while longer, I’ll go on a-head.” What did the fish say when it hit its head on a wall? Dam!!! Coffee is the silent victim in our house. It gets mugged every day. They’re building a restaurant on Mars now. They say the food will be great, but they’re worried about a lack of atmosphere.
  • I don't engage in mental combat with the unarmed.
  • Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.
  • Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
  • I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
  • What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home? "Where on Earth have you been?!"
  • I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
  • My psychiatrist said I was pre-occupied with the vengeance I told him "oh yeah we'll see about that!"
  • What was the football coach yelling at the vending machine? “Gimme my quarter back!!!” What’s the biggest pan in the world? Japan. I told my girlfriend to come with me to the gym. Then I stood her up. Hopefully, she’ll realize the two of us are not going to work out. What do snowmen do in their spare time? Just chilling. Vegans believe meat eaters and butchers are gross. But those who sell you fruits and vegetables are grocer. Care to seduce a large woman? Piece of cake. My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?" I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"
  • I was hoping to steal some leftovers from the party but I guess my plans were foiled. Which country’s capital is the fastest growing? Ireland’s. Every year it’s Dublin. Never date cross eyed people. They might be seeing somebody on the side! Apparently taking a day off is not something you should do when you work for a calendar company.
  • I was addicted to the hokey pokey... but thankfully, I turned myself around.
  • I asked my boss if I can come to work a little late today. He said “Dream on.” I think that was really nice of him. One pen to the other: You are INKredible. Two wi-fi antennas got married last Saturday. The reception was fantastic. It’s not nice making fun of fat people.- They’ve got enough on their plates as it is.
  • The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
  • I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
  • Dr.'s are saying not to worry about the bird flu because it's tweetable.
  • Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
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