Slow and steady wins the race, but it takes forever.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man miss parties.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder but being around makes people get annoyed with you if you are annoying.
Practice makes perfect, unless you are practicing imperfection.
Actions speak louder than words unless you speak very loud.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and the beholder has bad eyes
Better late than never, but please never be late.
Don't judge a book by its cover unless the cover is a dirty, smelly, long haired hippy.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. If you don't succeed after that, give up.
Laughter is the best medicine but actual medicine is ever better.
The leopard cannot change its spots, unless that leopard gets plastic surgery.
Misery loves company. Misery also loves a stiff drink.
Live and let live, then die.
Once bitten, twice shy, and three times more lame.
Time heals all wounds but it is still smart to put some ointment on that wound.
The early bird gets the worm. The late worm avoids the birds.
When it rains, it pours so bring an umbrella.
When in Rome, do as the Romans do. When in Wisconsin, try the brats, they are so good.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. Unless you are making him drink beers and he loves beers.
Silence is golden unless you are deaf then silence must be really old.
There's no place like home, I wish I lived at Wrigley Field.
All's well that ends well, unless it started bad.
April showers bring May flowers, and golden showers are gross.
Seeing is believing, unless you are blind
When the cat's away the mice will play. When the cats here, all will fear.
You can't teach an old dog new tricks, because he is old and doesnt give a crap.
Two wrongs don't make a right. Three wrongs don't either
Truth is stranger than fiction, but fiction is pretty strange
Two heads are better than one, unless the heads are from dumb people.
Practice what you preach, or just stop preaching, loud mouth.
Beware of Greeks bearing gifts unless those gifts are tasty gyros.
Don't put all your eggs in one basket, why are you carrying around these eggs anyway?
Half a loaf is better than none, just stop pinching the loaf.
Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.
Stay up late makes a man cruddy, poopy, and dumb.
The more the merrier, but not too many.
It's not over 'till it's over, but once it's over, it is over.
No pain, no gain. my spleen is killing me.
Live and learn, then die.
All for one and one for all, and two for none
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, a prune makes me poopy.
Don't cry over spilt milk, unless you spill it on your crotch.
Necessity is the mother of invention, we don't know who the father is.
Strike while the iron is hot. Oh crap I forgot to plug the iron in.
There's more than one way to skin a cat. There is front to back, back to front, top to bottom, and bottom to top.
Mind your p's and q's, oh and by the way, you have BO.
A penny saved is a penny earned, but who cares, a penny will buy you nothing.
A dog is a man's best friend, and dogs lick themselves.
Don't count your chickens before they hatch, oh no I just dropped and cracked all my eggs!
Every cloud has a silver lining and every cloud can make a golden shower.
The early bird catches the worm, if you are late, no worms for you!
A watched pot never boils so stop staring at me!
Don't put the cart before the horse unless your horse is pushing the cart.
If wishes were horses then beggars would ride, I wish I had a horse.
The cure is worse than the disease, but this burning sensation is REALLY bad.
You have to break a few eggs to make an omelette, just pick the shells out because I really don't want to find any shells in my omelette.
Honesty is the best policy, but this is a total lie.
If it's not one thing it's another, and if it is not that, it would be something else.
Beggars can't be choosers, well they can, but it just isn't appropriate.
A rolling stone gathers no moss, this stone that I have had sitting here for a long time is totally covered in this disgusting moss. Damn I should have had it rolling.
People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. They should also either stop walking around naked or get some curtains.
The grass is always greener on the other side, but my lawn is totally brown I think I need to fertilize.
Rome wasn't built in a day. It took 870 years actually.
Never put off to tomorrow what you can do today, but if you can't get it done today, put it off until tomorrow.
He who hesitates is lost, but wait, hold on a second.
Don't cut off your nose to spite your face, if you want to spite your face, cut your face off.
Waste not, want not, want waste?
An apple never falls far from the tree, but wait, the apple is rolling down the hill!
Lightning never strikes twice in the same place, except for that poor trailer park
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, and stop licking the horse you weirdo.
Look before you leap, close your eyes if you want to sleep.
Make hay while the sun shines, make a fluffy omelet when the sun goes down.
One rotten apple spoils the whole barrel, two rotten apples totally spoils it even worse.
Birds of a feather flock together, bald birds don't have anyone to hang with.
Don't lock the stable door after the horse is stolen, on second thought, lock it so more horses don't get stolen.
Better safe than sorry. Sorry about that.
Many hands make light work. Get your hands off of my butt weirdo.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you; weep, and you weep alone, vomit on my shirt and I will punch you.
One picture is worth a thousand words, but this picture is all blurry.
What will be, will be, and what won't will be what it will.
Where there's a will, there's a way, where there is no will, there is no friggin' way
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, a bird in the sand is worth three in the mush. OK we admit it, these makes no sense whatsoever.
Beauty is only skin deep, I am actually really ugly under all this pretty skin.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions, you can ask AC/DC about the highway to hell.
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, a few ounces of cure is worth way more cure than that one ounce of prevention.
The bigger they are the harder they fall, if they are tiny they are usually very whiny.
Appearances can be deceiving, especially deceptive appearances.
Little strokes fell great oaks, big strokes totally demolish any size oak.
Let bygones be bygones, HEY, I SAID LET THEM BYGONE, were you listening?
You get what you pay for, like if you buy a candy bar, you give them money and they will give you the candy bar.
You can't please everyone, but you can try, and you can fail.
The show must go on but we are thinking about canceling it.
You have to take the good with the bad. I said take it! I don't want your bad!
Nothing ventured, nothing gained, so please venture dude.
A place for everything and everything in its place, now where in the hell did I put my keys?
A fool and his money are soon parted, it's uncool of you because you farted.
Experience is the best teacher, unless the teacher is teaching inexperience.
Haste makes waste but it doesn't make paste or maize.
The more sins you confess, the more books you will sell, or you will also sell a lot of books if your book is good.
It's never too late to mend, except for this huge tear on my underwear, I think it is a little late for that.
There is no accounting for tastes, but there is accounting for smell, and you stink.
Great oaks from little acorns grow. Some nice size acorns have produced small crappy sized oaks though.
He who laughs last laughs best, but he does miss out since he is the last one to laugh.
Out of sight, out of mind, get a stick in your eye during a fight and go blind.
Cunning men deal in generalizations. Non cunning men deal in specifics.
Nobody has ever bet enough on a winning horse, wait, I am sure someone has.
After all is said and done, more is said than done, and after that, we are done
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. I love getting my feet rubbed but I really don't feel like rubbing yours. Sorry.
A friend in need is a friend in deed. A friend with no arms always needs help carrying stuff.
Money is the root of all evil, the root of all money is evil.