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- The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight, and not too often
- Do you play off scratch? said one player
- I’m not really that bad at putting, I just can’t catch a break
- A gimme can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers…neither of whom can putt very well
- In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf
- Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?Clubbing
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- Why is golf called golf? Because F&*% was already taken!
- Golf is harder than baseball, in golf you have to play your foul balls
- Why does Sir-Mix-a-Lot always chip the ball away from the flagstick?He likes big putts and he cannot lie
- Golf is a game invented by God to punish people who retire early
- A guy on vacation finishes his round, goes into the clubhouse
- What’s the easiest shot in golf? Your fourth putt
- In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers… They shoot a six, yell fore and write five
- Fairway: [faer-wai]: An unfamiliar tract of closely mown grass running directly from tee to the green
- Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind
- Where can you find 100 doctors all at the same place on any given day? A golf course
- What should you do if your round of golf is interrupted by a lightning storm? Walk around holding your 1-iron above your head, because even Mother Nature can’t hit a 1-iron
- Golf is an easy game… it’s just hard to play
- What is the difference between a golfer and a fisherman?When a golfer lies, he doesn’t have to bring anything home to prove it
- The only thing that causes more cheating than golf is income taxes
- How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb? Fore!
- The only thing that causes more cheating than golf is the income tax!
- What are the primary components of a golfer’s diet? A lot of greens and water
- What is a golfer’s favorite dance move?The Bogey
- What did Nat King Cole sing after he won a round of golf?Un-fore-gettable, in every way
- If you do find that you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here’s a valuable tip: Your life is in trouble
- Golf: A five-mile walk punctuated with disappointments
- Were you really under the whole day?Yes…under a tree…under a bush…and under the water
- Why do golf announcers whisper? Because they don’t want to wake up the people watching
- What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?Golfers go WACK…Damn and skydivers go Damn…WACK
- If you golf on an election day, make sure to cast an absent-tee-ballot
- What is a golfer’s favorite bird?Any birdie will do
- Forget about all those how to books, videos and articles
- You think my golfing is improving?Yes, you miss a lot closer now
- How is golf like fishing? Both mysteriously encourage exaggeration
- There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly… or start cheating
- What did one golf ball say to another golf ball?
- Golf is a game in which you yell ‘Fore,’ shoot six and write down five
- What are the primary components of a golfer’s diet?A lot of greens and water
- Golfer: I think I’ll go drown myself in that lake
- What is a golfer’s worst nightmare? The Bogeyman
- Why do golfers always carry a spare pair of trousers with them? In case they get a hole in one
- Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles
- There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly, or… start cheating!
- An American went to Scotland and played golf with a newly acquainted Scottish golfer
- When is it too wet to play golf?When your golf cart capsizes
- Golf is like life
- Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot, rarely make the perfect shot
- ‘P-U-T means to place a thing where you want it
- To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly
- A couple whose passion had waned saw a marriage counselor and went through a number of appointments that brought little success
- Golf is the perfect thing to do on a Sunday because you spend more time praying on the course than if you went to church
- A player asked his golf coach: What is going wrong with my game? The coach replied, You’re standing too close to the ball after you’ve hit it
- I enjoy shooting in the 120’s
- What’s the easiest shot in golf? Your fourth putt
- What did the driver yell at the golf cart that cut him off?Kiss my putt
- Why couldn’t Cinderella play golf?Because she always runs away from the ball
- Golf is a lot like taxes… you go for the green and come out in the hole
- Golf is what you play when you’re too out of shape to play baseball
- Bad at golf? Join the club
- Practice Tee: A place where golfers go to convert a nasty hook into a wicked slice
- Why do golf courses get hot after tournaments? Because all of the fans leave
- The best person to play golf with is someone who always plays a little bit worse than you do
- What does a golfer like to hear from his wife?…
- What did you get on your last hole?Depressed
- There’s no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies
- Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles! 39
- Why are computers so good at golf?Because they have hard drives
- You’re late on the tee, John
- What did the sign above the golf club bar say? Don’t drink and drive
- I always advise golfers to fix this issue sooner, rather than later
- Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up
- You spend too much time thinking about golf! Do you even remember the day we got married? Of course I do! It was the same day I sank that 45-foot putt
- Golf: a 5-mile walk punctuated with disappointments
- You made an 11 on a Par 3 hole? How the heck did that happen? I chipped in from the rough!
- What do golfers do on their days off? Putter around
- My game is so bad I had to have my ball retriever regripped!
- What do you call a really friendly golfer? A social putterfly
- Golf got its name because all of the other four-letter words were taken
- Do you know how the moon got craters? Three Words: Chuck Norris Golf
- Why does the golf pro tell you to keep your head down during lessons? So you can’t see them laughing
- What is a golfer’s favorite bird? Any birdie they can find
- What’s the difference between a golfer and a fisherman? When a golfer lies he doesn’t have to bring anything home to prove it
- What do you call a lion playing golf?
- What did the driver yell at the golf cart that cut him off? Kiss my putt!
- Hopefully, he will find a way to come back after his scary car accident and play professional golf once again
- Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one!
- Where can you find 100 doctors all at the same place on any given day?
- I once played a course that was so tough, I lost two balls in the ball washer! 37
- Golf is a game invented by God to punish guys who retire early
- Are you a scratch golfer? I sure am
- A little girl was at her first golf lesson when she asked a question
- Real golfers have two handicaps: one for bragging and one for betting
- The difference between a whiff and a practice swing is that nobody curses after a practice swing
- The best wood in most golfer’s bags is the pencil
- Why didn’t the golfer get his homework done? He was puttering around
- Have you ever wondered how the moon got craters? Three words: Chuck Norris golfing
- Two couples were enjoying a competitive, best-ball match… wives against husbands with the losers buying lunch and a libation
- Golf balls are like eggs
- I only hit two good balls today…when I stood on a rake! 32
- An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice … once before swinging, and once again, after swinging
- How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb? Fore
- Golf is a lot like taxes…you go for the green and come out in the hole! 25
- Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won’t work… and both are expensive
- What should NASA do if it wants to explore water on Mars? Send a golfer there to hit a golf ball
- Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh
- Which actress is incredible at golf? Minnie Driver
- Golf might be the best sport ever but it’s extremely disheartening at times
- Real golfers don’t miss putts, they get robbed
- When is it too wet to play golf? When your golf cart capsizes
- What is the easiest way to hook a ball?Try to slice it
- I’m not really that bad at putting, I just can’t catch a break! 30
- Why do golfers hate cake?Because they always get slices
- Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle
- The average golfer walks about 150 km and drinks four litres of alcohol each year
- Which actress is incredible at golf? Minnie Driver
- Why couldn’t Tiger listen to music?Because he broke all of the records
- Golf was once a rich man’s sport, but now it has millions of poor players!
- I have a tip that will take five strokes off anyone’s golf game
- A golfer standing at a tee overlooking a river sees a couple of fishermen and says to his partner, Look at those two idiots fishing in the rain
- What did the sign above the golf club bar say?Don’t drink and drive
- Why don’t golfers ever eat pie? Just in case they get a slice!
- The only reason I play golf is to bug my wife. She thinks I’m having fun
- Golf is a good walk spoiled
- Do you know why there are 18 holes on a golf course? Because that’s how long it took the Scotts who invented the game to finish their bottle of whiskey!
- The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf