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Golf Humor One Liners

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Golf Humor One Liners 2019

 

  • If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, it means he probably shot an eight.
  • You know you're a hack when your divot flies farther than your ball!
  • I'm not a bad putter, I just can't catch a break.
  • How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb? FORE!
  • The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf.
  • The only thing that causes more cheating than golf is the income tax!
  • If you golf on election day, be sure to cast an absent-tee ballot.
  • Golf is an easy game… it's just hard to play.
  • There are three ways to lower your golf score: take lessons, practice constantly — or start cheating.
  • My doctor told me to play 36 holes a day, so I went out and bought a harmonica.
  • Golfer: Do you think my game is improving? Caddie: Absolutely! You miss the ball much closer than you used to.
  • The only reason I play golf is to bug my wife. She thinks I'm having fun.
  • Why do golfers carry an extra pair of pants? In case they get a hole in one.
  • Wife: I'm sick and tired of your obsession with golf! Husband: Why, is it driving a wedge between us?
  • You know it's too wet to play golf when your cart capsizes.
  • I enjoy shooting in the 120's. I figure I'm getting more for my money.
  • Real golfers don't cry when they line up their fourth putt.
  • Caddie: Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth.
  • Real golfers have two handicaps: one for braggin' and one for betting'
  • Golfer: This is the worst golf course I've ever played on! Caddie: This isn't the golf course, sir, we left that an hour ago.
  • My golf game is so bad I had to have my ball retriever regripped.
  • Q: You spend too much time thinking about golf! Do you even remember the day we got married? A: Of course I do! It was the same day I sank that 45-foot putt.
  • His golf is improving. He’s missing the ball much closer than he used to!
  • Oxymoron: An easy par three.
  • That was a really good shot ..........................for you !!!
  • Golf is like life.. you strive for the green, but end up in the hole.
  • My stockbroker’s a golf nut. One day he called up and he said, “Guess what? I just broke 80! I said, “I know. I’m one of them.”
  • Forget about all those “how to” books, videos and articles. The only sure way to save strokes is with an eraser!
  • Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
  • Golfer: The doctor says I can't play golf. Caddie: Oh, he's played with with you, too, eh?
  • Why do golfers hate cake? Because they might get a slice.
  • Q: When is the course too wet to play golf? A: When your golf cart capsizes.
  • Fairway: [faer-wai]: An unfamiliar tract of closely mown grass running directly from tee to the green. Your ball can usually be found immediately to the left or right of it.”
  • Golf never made it as an Olympic sport. It is more properly a Special Olympic sport because everyone who enters has a handicap.
  • It takes a lot of balls to golf like I do.
  • How is golf like fishing? Both mysteriously encourage exaggeration.
  • Q: What's the problem with my golf game? A: You're standing too close to the ball ... after you hit it.
  • Golf is a game, invented by God to punish guys who retire early.
  • Brand new golf balls are attracted to water, and the power of the attraction is in direct proportion to how much the balls cost.
  • Golf is what you play when you're too out of shape to play softball.
  • The only problem with golf is that the slow groups are always in front of you and the fast groups are always behind you.
  • Why type of golf game did the fur traders play in the old days? A skins match.
  • The higher a golfer's handicap, the more likely he is to try to tell you what you're doing wrong.
  • Golf: A five-mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
  • In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
  • A good golf partner is one who's always a little bit worse than you are.
  • Real golfers don't miss putts, they get robbed.
  • He claims it’s no sin to play golf on Sunday. But the way he plays, it’s a crime.
  • Q: I'm ready to go for this par-5 green in two, but there's still a group on the green. What should I do? A: Well, you have two options: you can go ahead and shank it right now, or wait for the green to clear and then top the ball half way there.
  • Golfer: Please stop checking your watch all the time, it's distracting! Caddie: This isn't a watch, ma'am, it's a compass.
  • Golf balls are like eggs. They're white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
  • It’s easy to tell a real dedicated doctor. He can never understand how a hooker can be happy.
  • Our minister was the best golfer in town. Look at all the practice he’s had in keeping his head down.
  • Then there’s the Scotsman who gave up golf after 20 years. He lost his ball.
  • Golf is a lot like taxes: You go for the green and wind up in the hole.
  • Golfer: That can't be my ball, it looks too old. Caddie: It's been a long time since we started.
  • Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players!
  • The difference between a whiff and a practice swing is that nobody curses after a practice swing.
  • Golfer: I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
  • I don’t want to excuse him of cheating, but once he had a hole-in-one and scored it as a zero.
  • Golf is a game where the ball lies poorly, and the players well.
  • “My game is so bad I had to have my ball retriever regripped!”
  • Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
  • Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.
  • Q: How do you like my game? A: Oh, it's a great game, but personally I prefer golf.