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Dirty Golf Puns

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  • Grip it softly and stroke it smoothly
  • What is the similarity between four-putting and masturbation? You are slightly ashamed of what you have done and worst of all you know it will happen again!
  • What is the difference between Rory McIlroy and Princess Diana? Rory McIlroy has a GOOD driver!
  • What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
  • What did the Mormon say to his golfing buddies? After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
  • What did the golfer say to the hip hop dancer? Everyday I'm Schauffele.
  • He snuck that in the backdoor
  • That guy’s got incredible length!
  • Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? In case he gets a hole in one.
  • The extra length is really helping me get it in the hole
  • Why are golf and sex so similar? They are the two things you can thoroughly enjoy even though you are really bad at them.
  • What does a golfer do on his day off? Putter Around.
  • How do you "Tiger" proof a golf course? By stragetically placing fire hydrants.
  • I just shaved the hole
  • I’m going to wash my balls, want me to wash yours too?
  • I really enjoyed that threesome/foursome
  • Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit
  • How does a brunette keep her husband from a blond working at a golf course?
  • It looks pretty wet down there
  • I think my shaft is just too long
  • What do you call a blonde at a golf course? The 19th hole.
  • What do you getll a blonde at the driving range? Lift your head and spread your legs.
  • If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometime.
  • Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.
  • Why don't golfers in England work in the afternoon? Because it would interrupt their tea time.
  • I tugged it a little
  • A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"
  • After 18 holes I can barely walk
  • Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!
  • He handled those humps really well
  • What did the golfer say after performing yoga? "Damn, my shaft is all bent."
  • That’s a very stiff shaft
  • What do you call Jessica Alba joining you and your buddies for a round of golf? Fantastic 4-some.
  • How do you know a golfer is cheating on his wife? He always puts his driver in the wrong bag.
  • Who taught Elin Nordegren to swing a golf club? Happy Gilmore.
  • She makes sure he practices having a stroke first to make sure he's handicapped when he meets a blond working at one.
  • Why did Arnold Palmer get beat up? Because he walked into the wrong club!
  • What do you call a lion playing golf? Roarin' Mcllroy
  • My hands are so sweaty, I can’t get a good grip
  • What do you do after a round of 18 on a hot sunny day? Wash your balls.
  • Why did the blonde golfing pro cheat on his wife? Because he thought every day he needed to play around.
  • What did the duck say to the golf ball? Nothing it should have ducked.
  • It's not the size of your putter that counts, its how many strokes you take.
  • What's the difference between a golfball and a Nissan? A golf ball can be driven 300 yards.
  • Where is the best place to go on vacation? In the Golf of Mexico!
  • That’s a hole to be respected
  • What should you do if you're golfing near lightning? Hold your 2-iron in the air, because not even God can hit a 2-iron.
  • Why do golfers put minus signs in front of their scores? Because subtraction speaks louder than words.
  • What kind of model is Paige Spiranac? A hole in one of a kind model.
  • You can either bang it in the back or slip it in gently
  • I’ve had too many strokes, I think I need to change my grip