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Stewie Griffin Quotes

Stewie (to one of the prostitutes at Cleveland's house): So, is there any tread left on the tires? Or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?

Stewie (to Jeremy, the babysitter's boyfriend):
Ha! I got your hat! Take that, hatless! Now go back to the quad and resume your hackey sac tourney! I'm not gonna lay down for some frat boy bastard with his damn teether sandals and his Skoal Bandits and his Abercrombie and Fitch long sleeved, open stitched, crew neck Henley smoking his sticky buds out of a soda can while watching his favorite downloaded Simpsons episodes every night! Yes, we all love "Mr. Plow"! Oh, you've got the song memorized, do you? SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE! That is exactly the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at 1 in the morning! The guy who just whiffed his way down the bar skank ladder!

Guy on Airplane: "Oh great, I always end up sitting next to a damn baby."
Stewie: "What did you just say?"
Lois: "Stewie, stop fussing."
Stewie: "Pipe down Lois." (Slaps guy on head) "Hey big man, turn around. Oh you can't hear me now. I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. For the next 5 hours, your my bitch."

Stewie: How you uh, how you comin' on that novel you're working on? Huh? Gotta a big, uh, big stack of papers there? Gotta, gotta nice litte story you're working on there? Your big novel you've been working on for 3 years? Huh? Gotta, gotta compelling protaganist? Yeah? Gotta obstacle for him to overcome? Huh? Gotta story brewing there? Working on, working on that for quite some time? Huh? (voice getting higher pitched) Yea, talking about that 3 years ago. Been working on that the whole time? Nice little narrative? Beginning, middle, and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? At the end your main character is richer from the experience? Yeah? Yeah? (voice returns to normal) No, no, you deserve some time off.

Stewie: Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch.

Peter: (Walks out of the bathroom and wanders into another room. He walks into the room and walks behind the bed. We find out that this is Chris' room.) Hey, you still awake, Lois honey? (Peter lays down into Chris' bed.)
Chris: Dad?
Peter: That's right, I'm your daddy. Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh. Don't talk, Lois, don't talk. Just let me do all the work. feel my warm breath on the nape of your neck. My hands on your big soft boobs...running down your big man-like chest. (Peter jumps up.) Holy crap, It's Chris!! Uhh...Uhh...So, uhh...How ya doin'? You do all your homework?
Chris: (nods his head.)
Peter: Finish all your subjects?
Chris: Yes, sir.
Peter: Good, just uhh, just checkin'. (Backs towards the door.) Have a good night son. (Walks down the hall.)
Peter: You still awake honey?
Stewie: What the deuce?

Stewie: There's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me, and it's not so much that I want to kill her, it's just, I want her not to be alive anymore.

Stewie: Let me guess, you picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn and turn until OOP! big shock, a jack pops out and you laugh and the kids laugh and the dog laughs and I die a little inside.

Lois: Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different.
Stewie: Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankels behind your ears that would ring a few bells.

Meg: Mom guess what! I made the Flag Girl squad
Stewie: Flag Girl? Ummmm, yes good for you... Now you can be somewhere else when the boys don't call!

Stewie: Yes, but no sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find, I shall KILL you.

Stewie: Damn you vile woman, you've impeded my work since the day I escaped your vile womb.

Stewie: The breakfast thing. Yes. It wasn't even about the eggs, really. Frankly, I like the yolks. I don't... I have no problem... it's just there's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much I want to "kill" her. It's just I want her not to be alive anymore. Uh... I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult. And then I think to myself, "My God! Wouldn't it be marvelous if I turned out to be a homosexual?"

Stewie: No sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.

Stewie: [To ticket agent] Now look here...
[looks at agent's name tag]
Stewie: Jo-LENE. I have an army to raise and I must get to Managua at once. I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal. BUT NO PICKLES. OH, GOD HELP YOU IF I FIND PICKLES.

Stewie: [After Lois tries to feed Stewie his broccoli "airplane style"] Damn you, Damn the Broccoli, and Damn the Wright Brothers.

Stewie: Did you forge my name? How dare you! Is this backwards "S" supposed to be cute? I'm going to crap double for you tonight.

Stewie: Isn't it funny how they say "life is like a box of chocolates"? Well in your case, dear mother, life is like a box of active grenades!

Stewie: OK, Harold, what do you think of our Mad Lib?
[clears throat]
Stewie: Cinderella had two step-'watermelons', who were very 'smelly' to her. So her fair god'toilet' turned her pumkin into a big 'fanny', and dragged her off to the 'poop'.
[short laugh]
Stewie: Oh, how ruthlessly absurd.

Stewie: Oh, forgive me for not being one of those anorexic babies from the diaper commercials.

Stewie: Ha ha. Oh, this is so good it just HAS to be fattening.

[while Peter is changing Stewie]
Stewie: No, you idiot. That's not baby powder, that's paprika. Ahhhh! Take that.

Waitress: Here you go, fella. From Flappy himself.
Stewie: I don't care if they...
[Stewie is force-fed a bite of pancakes]
Stewie: Oh... oh these are delectable. Hey, Flappy. Good news. I've decided not to kill you.

[watching a baseball game]
Stewie: Why does that man drop his club before he runs? I would bring it with me.

[Stewie has run away and Brian discovers this note]
Stewie: Dear Stupid Dog, I've gone to live with the children on Jolly Farm. Good-bye forever, Stewie. P.S.- I never got a chance to return that sweater Lois gave me for Christmas, I left the receipt on top of my bureau. I'm probably over the 30-day return limit, but I'm sure if you make a fuss they'll at least give you a store credit or something. It's actually not a horrible sweater, it's just I can't imagine when I would ever wear it, you know? Oh and I also left a button on the bureau, um I'm not sure what it goes to but um I, I can never bring myself to throw a button away, I know as soon as I do, I'll find the garment it goes to and then it'll, wait a minute actually could it have been from the sweater? Did that sweater have buttons? Hmm. Well I should wrap this up before I start to ramble. Again good-bye forever. PPS- You know what, it might be a little chilly in London, I'm actually going to take the sweater.

Stewie: This isn't the first time my small stature has hindered my plans.
Auctioneer: Item 157... Global Domination. Enslave the human race. Do I have any bids?
Stewie: OOH. OOH. ME. ME.
Auctioneer: I'll take any bids. $1. Enslave the human race for $1?

[during a smoking conference]
Stewie: Baby needs to suck ash. Baby needs to suck ash. Not ass, you pervert. Save it for the interns.

Stewie: Jeffrey. Take the 4.20 from Hounslow out of your mouth.

Stewie: Soooo Broccoli, mother says you're very good for me. But I'm afraid I'm no good for you.

Stewie: Cut my eggs.
Butler: [cuts eggs] Your eggs are cut sir.
Stewie: Cut my milk!
Butler: I can’t sir, it’s liquid.
Stewie: Imbecile! Freeze it, then cut it, and if you question me again I’ll put you on diaper detail and I promise I won’t make it easy for you.

(Lois finds a note in Chris's pocket)
Lois: "Huh, what's this? You know Stewie, Mommy doesn't usually read things out of Chris's pocket. She's more respectufl than that."
Stewie: "Whatever helps you sleep at night, bitch."

Stewie: Hey, mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.

Stewie's Letter: Dear stupid dog, I've gone to live with the children on jolly farm. Good bye forever. Stewie.
P.S. I never got a chance to return that sweater Lois gave me for Christmas. Umm, I left the receipt on top of my bureau. I'm probably over the thirty day return limit but umm… I'm sure if you make a fuss they'll at least give you a store credit or something. Umm.. It's actually not a horrible sweater. It's... It's just I can't imagine when I would ever wear it you know? Oh I also left a button on the bureau. I'm not sure what it goes to, but I can never bring myself to throw a button away. I know that as soon as I do I'll find the garment it goes to and then it'll… Wait a minute, could it be from the sweater? Did that sweater have buttons? Hmm… Well I should wrap this up before I start to ramble. Again, goodbye forever.
P.P.S. You know, it might be a little chilly in London, I'm actually going to take the sweater.

Bill Cosby: Stewie, what do you think candy is made out of?
Stewie Griffin: Sunshine and farts! What the hell kind of question is that?!

Stewie: I was under the impression the name of the show was "Kids Say the Darndest Things," not "Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up."

Stewie: Did you forge my name? How dare you! Is this backwards "S" supposed to be cute? I'm going to crap double for you tonight!

Olivia: You are the weakest link, goodbye. (laughter)
Stewie: Ha ha ha! Oh gosh that's funny! That's really funny! Do you write your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. You are the weakest link goodbye. You know, I've, I've never heard anyone make that joke before. Hmm. You're the first. I've never heard anyone reference, reference that outside the program before. Because that's what she says on the show right? Isn't it? You are the weakest link goodbye. And, and yet you've taken that and used it out of context to insult me in this everyday situation. God what a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up with a joke like that all by yourself. That's so fresh too. Any, any Titanic jokes you want to throw at me too as long as we're hitting these phenomena at the height of their popularity. God you're so funny!

Meg (about Peter being retarded): I can never go to school again!
Stewie: Oh, yes, Meg, yes-yes yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, yes, THIS is the thing that will ruin your reputation, not your years of grotesque appearance, or your awkward social graces, or that way you clear your sinuses, no no no, it's THIS. Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight.

Stewie: It wasn't even about the egss, really. Frankly, I like the yolks. I have no problem. There's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much that I want to kill her, it's just, I want her not to be alive anymore. I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult. And then I think to myself, "My God wouldn't it be marvelous if i turned out to be a homosexual?"

(Stewie covering up the dead body of Mr. Lockhart by hiding in his blood-covered suit as a police officer drives up)
Officer: "Everything alright here?"
Stewie: "Oh fine officer, just enjoying the sunset. No law against that, is there?"
Officer: "What happened to your shirt?"
Stewie: "Oh you know, just a pizza party at the office."
Officer: "Oh yeah, where do you work?"
Stewie: "First Fidelity Insurance over on Wayne Bossert Street."
Officer: "Oh my cousin Arnie works over there."
Stewie: "Oh Arnie's your cousin is he?"
Officer: "You know him?"
Stewie: "Oh somewhat, good middle management type. Jjust sort of blends in with the furniture, though, never really wowed anyone at the office."
Officer: "Yeah, that's always been Arnie's problem. Well, take it easy."
Stewie: "Yes yes, you too. Oh and if you see Arnie, tell him 'boogity boogity boo.' He'll know what it means."

Meg: Everybody! Guess what I am?
Stewie: Hm, the end result of a drunken back-seat grope-fest and a broken prophylactic?

Stewie (in car with Brian, says to police officer): We met on the Internet. He lured me into the car with promises of candy and funny stories.

Lois: I'm gonna go get some oranges Stewie. Here, hold the rest of these bags for mommy."
Stewie: Oh, what brilliant parenting Lois. Leave a tiny infant with a plastic bag. You know I might asphyxiate myself just to teach you a lesson. Here I go. Just like that boy from INXS..(Stewie tries to put bag over top of his head.)
Stewie: I'm going to do it! (Tries to put bag over left side of his head then climbs into it and tries pulling it over his head.)
Stewie: BLAST! Good Lord Lois, either I was a c-section, or you're Wonder Woman!

Stewie: "You know what else is disgusting?" (He farts and his right eye turns red.) "Oh damn, I broke a blood vessel."

Stewie: Damn, must have pulled something playing hoops last week. (Goes to flashback of Stewie playing basketball.)
Stewie: I know you ain't puttin that rock up from here, cause you ain't got no J! (Stewie trips basketball player)
Baskeball player: Yo man, that's trippin!
Stewie: Brotha please, you're the one who's trippin'! Now go on! Cry home to your momma! She waitin' for ya!
Basketball player: Now don't make me stick my size thirteens up yo narrow ass!
Stewie: Oh, sweet! Bring it on bitch! Now how you gonna act?! (Basketball player walks away.) Jeeze! Bringin that trash in here. Dis is my house!!!

Stewie: Oh hey lady. Hey, what's going on? How are you? Yeah, oh it's just me, Stewie, just being myself, ah yeah. Oh, oh well this here? Oh, it's just my package, yeah just ah just ah my package, God delivered it I signed for it the world keeps on spinnin', yeah.

Lois: Stewie why don't you play in the other room?
Stewie: Why don't you burn in hell?

Lois: What's going on down here?
Stewie: Oh, we're playing house.
Lois: That boy's all tied up.
Stewie: Roman Polanski's house

Stewie: Oh damn! Jeremy is still in the trunk! How long has it been, two weeks? Yeah, he's dead.

Peter: I don't say this often enough, but, uh, I'm gonna die.
Lois: Oh my God.
Stewie: High five! Anyone? Anyone?

Chris: Hey little dude, how about some ice cream?
Stewie: Yes I could go for a frozen treat right about now. But no sprinkles. And for every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.

Butler: [cuts eggs] Your eggs are cut sir.
Stewie: Cut my milk!
Butler: I can't sir, it's liquid.
Stewie: Imbecile! Freeze it, then cut it, and if you question me again I'll put you on diaper detail and I promise I won't make it easy for you.

Stewie: Ok, ok. I've got it, I've got it. If you cooked any more slowly, you wouldn't need an egg timer. You'd need an egg calender. Ah ha ha ha. Oh, that's right. I went there.

Stewie: By all means, turn me into a child star. Perhaps I can move to Californ-i-ay and wrangle me a three-way with the Olsen twins.

Stewie: Easy! Massage the scalp. You're washing a baby's hair, not scrubbing vomit off your Christmas dress, you holiday drunk.

Stewie: What's this? Blueberries! Oh, oh my G ... oh, that's better than sex!

Chris: Here Stewie, have a fig newton.
(Stewie eats the cookie.)
Stewie (while chewing): I say, I must use him for, OH GOD THERE'S AN ORGEY IN MY MOUTH!!!!!

Stewie: Rupert, did you call that engineer at Lockheed yet? Well of course you didn't you worthless little... (Hits Rupert the Toy Bear). There, see what you made me do? Do you think I enjoy hitting you? Well actually I do. I enjoy it so much I'm going to do it AGAIN!!! (Hits Rupert the Toy Bear)

Stewie: What are these? Pancakes? Oh oh, these are delectable. Good news Flappy, I've decided not to kill you!

Stewie: Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.

Stewie (to Meg): So, umm...this is uhh..awkward but uhh..have we ever actually, you know, met? I mean I don't even know, say for example, if you have a room up there. You know? A room? I have a room. You know Meg if you kill yourself now you'll probably get a full page in the yearbook. So, know thats something to think abou..(burps)..oops just burped.

Stewie: What the hell is this?
Lois: Sweetie, that's tuna salad.
Stewie: Oh, is that what it is? Really? Because I could have sworn it was mayonnaise and cat food.

Stewie (after tripping Peter): Ha ha ha, oh my God! I almost didn't do it, I almost didn't do it! I thought, is this in bad taste? But you know what, I went for it. I went for it and I'm so glad I did! Ooooh, worth it, totally worth it.

Lois: Sweetie, it's broccoli, it's good for you. Now open up for the airplane....
Stewie: Never! Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright brothers!

Stewie: You know, I rather like this God fellow. Very theatrical, you know. Pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence ... gotta get me some of that.

Stewie: I'm the dog. I'm well read and have a diverse stock portfolio. But I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the rug.
Brian: I'm a pompous little antichrist who will abandon my plans for world domination when I grow up and wind up settling with a rough trick named Jim.

Stewie: I bet you lost your virginity to a mechanical bull.

Stewie: You know, mother, this could almost have passed for a palatable banana pudding, but without Nilla wafers it's just another one of your wretched culinary abortions. Now clean it up!

Robber: I'm gonna go bang my girlfriend and then I'm gonna kill Chris Griffin!
Stewie: Good lord! Can he really say "bang my girlfriend" on TV?

Stewie: If your teachers ask about your bruises, what do you tell them?
Chris: (crying): I got hit by a baseball.

Chris: I don't want to get rid of my pimple, I like him. He's my friend. His name is Doug.
Brian: I just wish I didn't have to look at it.
Chris: Well, we have to look at your ANUS all day!
Stewie:Thank you!

Stewie (to Cleveland): Can I...Can I touch your hair? I'm gonna do it...I'm gonna touch it. Ooohoohoo it's like a sheep.

Stewie: You know it's awfully dangerous for me to be walking around the mall at my height? I say, let me get on your back.
Brian: Oh for God sake.
Stewie: Strong with the force young Skywalker is.
Brian: God, I don't believe this.
Stewie: That is why you fail.

Stewie: God, all this work keeping people from having sex, now i know how the Catholic church feels!

(Peter is trying to potty train Stewie)
Peter: C'mon Stewie, don't you want to pee in the toilet like a big boy?
Stewie: Well, perhaps I could give it the old college try. Would you put your hands there on the toilet seat, it'll help me relax.
Peter: OK. (Slams toilet seat down on Peter's fingers.) AAAHHHHHH!!!!
Stewie: Listen you, I'll use these facilities when I'm DAMN WELL READY!!!! Untill then you shall continue to sanitize my crevice and be DAMN GRATFEUL FOR THE OPPORTUNITY!!! Starting right . . .hmmp. . . hmmmp. . . . .hmmmmmp well then, not now, BUT SOON! (Walks off.)

Stewie: [speaking to a Latina maid] So which of the Latin countries are you from: the one with the civil war, the one with the cocaine, or the one with the fancy hats?

Stewie: Augh! What the hell do you think you're doing?
Brian: I'm cleaning myself.
Stewie: You were clean fifteen minutes ago, now you're just on vacation.

Brian: You want some ice cream?
Stewie: No.
Brian: You want some McDonalds?
Stewie: No.
Brian: You want to take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes?
Stewie: Yeah.
Brian: Okay, let's go and take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes.

Stewie: Nothing says "Obey Me" like a bloody head on a fence post!

Stewie: What are the stakes of this wager?
Brian: Why don't you just shut up for about a week?
Stewie: Excellent, and if I win?
Brian: I wasn't betting: why don't you just shut up for about a week?
Stewie: (pause) You're on.

Meg: Can I be in the play, Mom?
Stewie: Oh yes, you can be the dumpy teenage girl who cries backstage because no one finds her attractive.

Lois: What kind of egotistical, selfish, moronic and idiotic person would get liposuction... Who? WHO?
(Peter walks in at half of his weight)
Stewie: Oh my God... It has finally happened, he has become so massive that he collapsed into himself like a neutron star.

Stewie (to Death): Email me at lois must die (all one word) at

Stewie (reading the Bible)" My my, what a thumping good read, lions eating Christians, people nailing each other to two by fours. I'll say, you won't find that in Winnie the Pooh.

Stewie: Hello, mother.
Lois: Why, hello Stewie!
Stewie: Mother, life is like a box of chocolates--you never know what your gonna get. But your life is like a box of active granades!
Lois: Aww, you just want your toy back.
Stewie: Victory is mine! (Granades explode.) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH damn you all!

Lois (to Stewie)- Come on sweetie, eat your broccoli. Here comes the airplane!
Stewie (to Lois)- Damn you, damn the broccoli, and damn the Wright Brothers!

Stewie (after doing the Robot): "I'd like to see the kid from Barney with the hearing aide do that."

Stewie (To CPR baby): Well, I can't believe we just did that. Hmm, umm...but you know that stuff about spending the day together tomorrow. Umm...I forgot actually I have a thing. But...uhh you know you have my email address so drop me a line and I'll have yours. And uhh...we'll take it from there.

Stewie: I'd love to stay and chat but your a complete bitch, so bye!

Stewie: For the love of God, shake me! Shake me like a British nanny!

Stewie: If I choose to make stool in my pants right now, you're the only one here to change me. What do you think of that, hmm?
Brian: I'm not going to change you.
Stewie: What?
Brian: I said, I'm not going to change you.
Stewie: You can't be serious. Well, what if I make a fudgie? Well, I just won't. I just won't that's all. I just won't. Blast! I just did.

Eliza: Ew, your breath smells like kitty litter.
Stewie: I was curious!

Cleveland: I hate Bewitched!
(flips couch while Stewie is on it)
Stewie: that's a pretty reasonable reaction huh?

Stewie: Duck, duck, (slaps Janet on the head) GOOSE!
Janet cries.
Stewie: Oh come on I barely hit you! See this is why people don't respect the WNBA!

Stewie: Let's see, soda, purple stuff...Sunny D, alright!

Stewie: Can I count to three? For God's sake, I'm already shooting at a fifth grade level.

(Stewie runs out of house naked, after a bath, and rolls in mud.)
Stewie: Look Lois! I'm not clean anymore!
(Peter-washing his car-sprays Stewie clean with the hose)
Peter: There you go.
(Stewie looks DOWN at himself in shock.)
Stewie: OH MY GOD! I'm a woman!!

Stewie: Another baby? But, but I'm the baby. Why the deuce would they want to replace me? My, my cheeks are pinchable, my bottom is smooth, my laugh is heartwarming. Aha ha ha ha ho ho ho! What's that? I certainly am not overreacting! What the devil do you think happened to Bobby when they added cousin Oliver to the Brady bunch?
(Cut to the Brady family sitting around the table)
Mom: Oliver, did you break this vase?
Oliver: No the floor did (the family all laughs)
Boy: He's so cute.
(Bobby emerges from a door)
Bobby: Hey everybody I...
Dad: Bobby, you get back in the garage! (Thrusts end of broom into Bobby.)
Bobby: Ow, ow!

Chris: What did you get from your boyfriends?
Meg: Oh you know from my boyfriend ,Prince William, I got this beautiful watch, and this diamond tiara, and a scepter...(goes crazy and runs away crying)
Stewie: She needs to get laid BIG TIME!

Stewie: What do you want?
Man in White: I want to get the hell out of here!
Stewie: Oh, I'm sorry, We're fresh out of that, but what I can give you is UNTIMELY DEATH!

Lois: Oh Good job Stewie! Clean Plate! But...
Stewie: Ye,s yes, i got more of it on my face. Yes that one never gets old.
Lois (hands Stewie a piece of cake): Here you go. Eat up.
(Chris walks in.)
Stewie: I'm ready! Well, lets see wat we have today. Big piece of chocolate cake for me. And OH-- something very nice for BIG FAT YOU! (Hands Chris a leaf from the plant in the middle of the table.) Bon appitet! Oh and you can have my fork, i shan't be using it. Watch me. Yes that's it. (Shoves face into cake.)

Lois: Oh my God, my baby's drunk!
Peter: No I'm not! Oh--him. Yeah, he's a real lightweight.
Stewie: I'm tired and I want to go to bed. Everybody! I'm drunk and I wanna go to bed. Just the women!

Stewie (picking his nose): Does this not disgust you?
Brian: Kid, you're talkin' to a guy who uses his tongue for toilet paper.

(Stewie lies asleep in bed)
Stewie (sleeping, then yawns): What the deuce?!! FLEAS! ARGHH!! (Jumps out his bed and runs down the hallway, sliips and crahses into the table at the end of the hallway.)
Stewie: Damn you Mop and Glow!!

Stewie: Hey look! The fat one made a funny!
Okay, I got one....if you were to cook any slower, while you wouldnt be cooking very fast now would you (pause) well that wasn't very funny....oh, oh...
okay I got one (giggling pause) if you were to cook any slower, you wouldn't need a egg timer, you would need an egg calander....hahahaha!! Oh yes, I went there!!

Stewie (reading the Bible): My, my. What a thumping good read! Lions eatting Christians, people nailing each other to two-by-fours. I say, you won't find that in Winnie the Pooh.

Stewie: HA! That's so funny I forgot to laugh... excluding that first Ha.

Lois: Here comes the airplane, Stewie.
(Stewie swats spoon)
Stewie: The pilot of that plpane must have been JFK Jr.

[Reading to Meg and Chris]
Stewie: "Garfield at Large", by Jim Davis. Now as you can see in this panel, Garfield doesn't care for Nermal. But like him or not, Nermal is here to stay! Or is he? Let's read on.

Stewie: You look like Snoopy and it makes me smile.

Stewie: I say, Rupert, this paste is quite delicious. It's almost worth the bowel obstruction!!!

Stewie: What the hell is this? I said egg whites only! Are you trying to give me a bloody heart attack? (Smashes breakfast into wall.) Make it again!!

Stewie: Those jugs are mine until all the milk dries up. Then you can have the remains!

Stewie (at airport): I require a window seat and an inflight Happy Meal, and no pickles! God help you if I find pickles!

Stewie: Well, Well mother we meet again.
Lois: Stewie I thought I tucked you in an hour ago.
Stewie: Not tightly enough it would seem, and now you contemptible harpy, I shall end your oppressive reign of matriarchal tyranny!

Mrs. Pewterschmidt: Would you like a piece of candy?
Stewie: I smell death on you.

Stewie (to Death): Love your work.

Stewie: Victory is mine!

Blast you and your estrogenical tyranny!

Stewie (slapping a girl in his daycare on the butt): Just look at that butt, that is a tight butt....hmmm

Stewie: I say, Mother, this hot dog has been on my plate for a full minute and it hasn't yet cut itself.
Lois: Honey, I'll be right there.
Stewie: Oh, by all means, take your time. Oh, and when you do finally get around to it, I'll be the one covered in flies with a belly that protrudes half-way to bloody Boston!

Government Agent: You're mentally unfit to take care of your children.
Peter: NO!
Chris: NO!
Meg: NO!
Stewie: FINALLY!

Stewie: Ooh, Lois, someone's wearing their ovaries on the outside.

Stewie: Whether you think you can or you can't, you're right.

Brian: Peter, if you just let me talk, I'll explain to you why you shouldn't do this.
Peter: Later, later Brian, I gotta do something people will remember me for. Which is why I've invented a new type of flying machine.
Stewie: You know, I vaguely recall seeing footage somewhere of something exactly like this, which leads me to believe this probably won't work.

Lois: Look its the New Year's baby!
Stewie: Yes, I rather like the sash, but do the Huggies make my ass look big?

Stewie: You know, it is so fashionable to take a shot at Jay Leno. Look, the fact is the man is out there every bloody night with fresh material and he's charming.

Stewie (after breaking the tail off of Brian's mothers stuffed carcass): Loosen up, the old gal doesn't have much to wag about these days anyway.

Stewie: Here is a condom but use it wisely.
(flash to couple moaning while having sex in car)
(Stewie enters car and takes condom)
Guy: Hey what are you doing!!
Girl: Come back with that!!
Guy: Where were we?
(couple contiues to have sex)
Guy: hey this is much better!!!

Stewie: The ruptured capillaries in your nose bely the clarity of your wisdom.

Genie: I am here to grant you three wishes.
Lois: Peter, three wishes. Oh this is so exciting.
Meg: I want a new hat.
Chris: I want a new hat.
Stewie: I want them to have new hats!

Stewie: It seems with death incapacitated my matricidal efforts are futile.

Stewie: So broccoli, mother says your good for me,well I'm afraid i'm not good for you!

Stewie: "Ahh..did I remember to turn the stove off?...Yes."

Lois: Stewie, say hi to our new neighbor, Officer Swanson.
Stewie: You will bow to me!

Stewie: That's right Mr. Giraffe, get all the maramlade.

Stewie (Inside Peter's Body in rocketship): Hey, you know what today is? A bad day to be a sperm!

Louis:aww look stewie drew a picture for his mommy.
Clevland:show us the picture.
Stewie: No, no, no nothing to see here. (Lois shows the picture.)
Man1: Oh, it's a time machine!
Stewie: No, it's a...blast what do kids draw these days? Uh...
Man2: Why, of course it is! Here's where the flux capacitor goes.
Man3: Yeah, I can't wait to build one of these myself!

Stewie: Oh! Oh! This story is so good, it must be fattening!

Stewie: Go on, hot wire it!
Brian: Hot wire? I don't even pump my own gas.

Stewie: No, no, no! I don't think so. It's not that I have idelogical differences, I'm just not a hat person.

Stewie: Ohhh! She has the voice of an angel...not to mention a balcony you could do Shakespeare from!

Stewie: Die, Lois!

Quagmire: Hey there spud in the mud.
Stewie: Oh god do you bathe in Aqua Velva?

Stewie: Oh can we stop by the grocery store on the way? I want a Granny Smith apple.

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