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Glen Quagmire Quotes

Auctioner: Our first item is a pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks.
Auctioner: She had nine STDs.
Quagmire: Forty-five bucks.
Auctioner: And when we caught her she wet herself.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks.

[Quagmire sees a cheerleader tied up in a bathroom stall]
Quagmire: Dear diary: Jackpot.

Quagmire: Hey there sweetie, how old are you?
Connie: 16.
Quagmire: 18? You're first.
Connie: Mom!
Quagmire: I like where this is goin'! Giggidy, giggidy, gig-gi-dy!

Glen Quagmire: Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, it's caught in the window this time.

Brain: Ugh, I can't beileve your serving a three year sentance, it seems so harsh.
Lois: Well, the only upside is that its given me time to think about why I ended up in here, I guess I was stealin' because I was so sick of the same old routine. I felt like I had a void in my life, like, like, there was a secret hole in me...
Quagmire: Oh God!
Lois:...and I was tryin' to fill that hole with all kinds of expencive objects, and things...
Quagmire: Oh God!!!
Lois: ...and I felt wonderful with all those things fillin' that hole.
Quagmire: Oh God!!!!!!
Lois: I did this to myself, so im just gonna have to lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.
Quagmire: That one is also sexual.

Bridget: Quagmire, will you accept this rose?
Quagmire: Really? After I drugged you and had sex with your unconscious body?
Bridget: What?
Quagmire: Yes.

Quagmire: Fat chicks need love too...they just have to PAY!

Peter: If you could be stranded on a desert island with any woman in the world, who would it be?
Quagmire: Taylor Hanson.
Joe Swanson: Taylor Hanson is a guy.
Quagmire: [Laughs] You guys are yankin' me. "Hey, let's put one over on Quagmire."
Peter: No, he's actually a guy, Quagmire.
Quagmire: What? That's insane. That's impossible.
[Pause]
Quagmire: Oh god. Oh my god. I've got all these magazines. Oh god.

Quagmire: (Running through mall and accidentally into the camera room)-Where am I, am I dead?
Security Gaurd:No, this is where we monitor all the dressing rooms in the mall so we can keep an eye out for shoplifters.
(Woman on Monitor has heart attack)
Quagmire: Oh my god! That one's having a heart attack(Runs to womans dressing room)
Quagmire:(Rubs womans chest and breaths in her mouth)
(Woman Becomes concious)
Woman#2:That was amazing.
Woman#3:You saved her life.
Woman#4:Thank god you know CPR.
Quagmire:What the hell is CPR?

Peter Griffin: Let's say none of us were married, if you could have any woman in the world...who would it be?
Glen Quagmire: Taylor Hanson.
Joe Swanson: Taylor Hanson is a guy.
Glen Quagmire: (Laughs) You guys are yankin' me. "Hey, let's put one over on Quagmire."
Peter Griffin: No, he's actually a guy, Quagmire.
Glen Quagmire: What? That's insane. That's impossible.
(pause)
Glen Quagmire: Oh god! Oh my god! I've got all these magazines. Oh god!

Social worker: "Glen honey, I got a question for you. What do you do for a living?
Quagmire: "I got a question for you. Why are you still here?"

Quagmire: Hey Peter, uhh you have a card for if you transfered V.D. to somebody.
Peter: Uhh lets see here...uhh yep, "Sorry I accidentally gave you V.D."
Quagmire: Huh, that's all you have is accidental huh? All right I'll take it.

Peter: I'm gonna go microwave a bagel and have sex with it.
Quagmire: Butter's in the fridge!

Quagmire: "Hey there little lady. Why don't you turn around and show me your Lower East Side."
Woman (man voice) : "Sure."
Quagmire: "Whoa, transvestite, back off! Wait a minute...pre-op or post-op?"
Woman: "Pre-op."
Quagmire: "Whoa, transvestite, back off!"

Quagmire: Here's to the Drunken Clam, where they don't ask for proof of ID and neither do I.

Quagmire (runs outside in a robe): Hey guys, what's going on? I was just jerki ... ed out of a deep sleep.

Peter: I told Lois I wouldn't drink
Quagmire: Don't feel so bad Peter
Peter: Hey, I never thought of it that way.

(Peter, Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland are using a radar to listen to what people are saying and they happen to pick up of what Quagmire is thinking to himself.)
Quagmire: God this itches! I wonder who I got it from. Probably that skank that I gave a ride to the gas station. Last time I do someone a favor. Oh God! They heard me! Oh god! I heard me! LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!"

Quagmire: I felt guilty once, but she woke up halfway through.

Quagmire: So, you ladies ever been penetrated?

Glen Quagmire: Hi, Meg. Eighteen yet?
Meg Griffin: No.
Glen Quagmire: Just checkin'.

(Quagmire to girl)
Quagmire: You must be a parking ticket, cuz you got fine written all over you.

Quagmire: Oh, Lois, I'd do everything to you.
Lois: What?
Quagmire: I'd do anything for you.

Quagmire: Now that's a woman! That's a house, that's a fish, that's a bee!!!

Quagmire: You must be this beautiful to ride the Quagmire.
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Peter: Wow, that Lois is some kinda woman.
Quagmire: Yeah, just thinkin' about her makes my testicles wanna drop. Ooh, speak of the devil. Ooh, make the devils.

Quagmire: Giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity!

Quagmire: Peter, I can remember a dozen times when you've saved our asses
(Peter walks through a door holding a sword,like in Pulp Fiction, to his friends tied up and gagged)
Peter Griffin: Yeah, too bad I got there after the sodomy.

Quagmire: Soccer moms alll right! GIGGITY, GIGGITY,GIGGITY!

(Quagmire to lady)
Quagmire: If I could change the alphabet I would put "U" and "I" together.

Quagmire: Hey there spud in the mud.
Stewie: Oh god do you bathe in Aqua Velva?

Chris: I don't think I like feet as much as you do.
Quagmire: Everybody likes feet.

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