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Peter Griffin Quotes

Peter (narrating his life): "I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. Of course I'd never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking, but somehow I think she knew. Lois had always been full of energy and life, but lately I had begun to grow more aware of her aging. The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with the long fatigue of a weary life.

(Lois knocks Peter out.)
I woke several hours later in a daze."

Peter (after Lois tells him he's childish): "If I'm a child that means you're a pedophile, and I'll be damned if i'm going stand here and take this from a pervert."

Peter: So uhh, Mr. Pewterschmidt, the big race is tomorrow eh? Bet you're gonna need some strapping men to help you with your boat.
Mr. Pewterschmidt: Are you calling me gay?
Peter: No. No. I just; I just thought you might want some extra seamen on your poopdeck.

Peter: Oh my god, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, 'Oooooo.'
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.

Lois: Peter,why are we stopped?
Peter: Yeah, I'll have three cheeseburgers...
Lois: Peter for God's sakes she's havin' a baby!
Peter: Oh that's right...and a kid's meal... and uh,I, I guess I'll have fries...if I have fries is anyone else gonna have any? Cuz,uh I don't wanna be the only one eatin' them... I'll feel like a fatty.

Peter: Everybody I've got bad news. We've been cancelled.
Lois: Oh no Peter! How could they do that?
Peter: Well unfortuantely Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We just gotta accept the fact that FOX has to make room for terrific shows like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That 80's Show, Wonder Falls, Fast Lane, Andy Richter Controls The Universe, Skin, Girl's Club, Cracking Up, The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real, Freaky Links, Wanda At Large, Costello, The Lone Gunman, A Minute with Stan Hooper, Normal Ohio, Pasadena, Harsh Realm, Keen Eddy, The Street, American Embassy, Cedric The Entertainer, The Tick, Louie, And Greg The Bunny....
Lois: Is there no hope?
Peter: Well I suppose if ALL those shows go down the tubes we might have a shot.

Peter: (Walks out of the bathroom and wanders into another room. He walks into the room and walks behind the bed. We find out that this is Chris' room.) Hey, you still awake, Lois honey? (Peter lays down into Chris' bed.)
Chris: Dad?
Peter: That's right, I'm your daddy. Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh. Don't talk, Lois, don't talk. Just let me do all the work. feel my warm breath on the nape of your neck. My hands on your big soft boobs...running down your big man-like chest. (Peter jumps up.) Holy crap, It's Chris!! Uhh...Uhh...So, uhh...How ya doin'? You do all your homework?
Chris: (nods his head.)
Peter: Finish all your subjects?
Chris: Yes, sir.
Peter: Good, just uhh, just checkin'. (Backs towards the door.) Have a good night son. (Walks down the hall.)
Peter: You still awake honey?
Stewie: What the deuce?

Peter: Excuse me, is your refrigerator running?
Because if it is, it probably runs like you - very homosexually.

Peter: I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.
Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?
Peter: Oh yeah.

Peter: Well, I'm gettin' something really special too. And by special I don't mean special like that Kleinaman boy down the street. More special like... like Special K, the cereal. Hey, what do they do with the regular K? And for that matter, what ever happend to K. Ballard? You know, if you said mallard and you had a cold, it would sound like ballard.
Brian: Do you listen to yourself when you talk?
Peter: I drift in and out.

Peter - I'm afraid I have some very bad news, your wife's gonna be a vegetable. You're gonna have to bathe her, feed her, and care for her for the rest of your life.
Guy - OH MY GOD!
Peter - No no no, I'm just kiddin. She's dead.

Cleaveland: Hey Peter, are you up for another snow cone?
Peter: No thanks, that yellow snow cone you gave me didn't taste like lemon, it tasted more like...oh you guys are asses!

Vacuum repairman: There you go, all fixed. Turns out a half-eaten meatball was clogging up the intake.
Peter: Oh. Well, did you save it?
Vacuum repairman: Uh, no.
Peter: You bastard.

Chris: Dad, what's the blow-hole for?
Peter: I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.

Peter: Are you gonna eat that stapler?
TV Executive: You...can't eat a stapler.
Peter: Wanna split it?

Meg: I just want to kill myself I'm gonna go upstairs and eat a whole bowl of peanuts.
(Lois and Peter stare in silence)
Meg: I'm allergic to peanuts.
(Peter and Lois keep staring)
Meg: You dont know anything about me. (runs upstairs)
Peter: Who was that guy?

Dennis Miller: I don't wanna go on a RANT here but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowolf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first Battle of Antetum. I mean when a neo-conservative defenstrates it's like Raskalnakov filibuster dioxymonohydrostinate.
Peter: What the hell does RANT mean?

Lois: You're drunk again.
Peter: No, I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking.
Quote Rating: 9.3 outta 10 (Over 779 votes) - Vote Now!

Lois: I guarantee you a man made that commercial.
Peter: Of course a man made it. It's a commercial Lois, not a delicious thanksgiving dinner.

Peter: Ok, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. A homicidal murderer tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let him kill?
Brian: That's... that's not a riddle. That's ... that's just terrible.
Peter: Wrong, the ugly one!

Peter: It's already done. I dropped them all off at Toys for Toddlers last night.
Brian: All? Peter, only only one gift was for charity, the rest were for the family.
Peter: No, the rest were from the family. Weren't they? (Pauses.) Oh crap...since when did they change the meaning of "for" to "from"?
Brian: They had a meeting about it last night.
Peter: Why wasn't I told?
Brian: They sent you a card, but it said "for Peter" on it so you must of thought it was from you, so you didn' know, its just easier to call you stupid.

Lois: Peter, theres a hooker on the bed!
Hooker: Hi.
Peter: Stand perfectly still Lois, their vision is based on movement.
Hooker: Where'd you go?

Peter- Hey Brian! I turned the stairs into a waterslide!
Brian (after Peter falls down and starts screaming): I'm not going to call an ambulance this time because then you won't learn anything.
Quote Rating: 9.3 outta 10 (Over 96 votes) - Vote Now!

Peter: (Grabs the microphone at a fast food restaurant) Attention restaurant customers: Testicles. That is all.

[Peter and Brian are touring the Pawtucket Brewery]
Peter: Wow, it's like I died and went to heaven, then God realized it wasn't my time yet, so He sent me back to a brewery.

[observing Brian at a dog race]
Carter Pewterschmidt: Oh my god. He's violating Sea Breeze.
Peter: No, he's just awkwardly positioning himself... OK, NOW he's violating Sea Breeze.

[at a dog show]
Peter: Brian, come. Hey, don't you walk out on me!
[aware that the audience is watching]
Peter: Uh, heh. Uh, I now command you to leave. Yep. Keep going. Yeah, yeah, that's right, yeah, flip me off. Good boy. Heh heh, heh heh.

Meg: I finally get my driver's license and the car gets taken away, how ironic.
Peter: Meg, don't talk to your mother that way, she is not an iron.

Chris: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Peter: Math. Math my dear boy is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.

Peter: We love the Bible in this house.
Francis Griffin: Really. What's your favorite book of the Bible?
Peter: Uhhhhh... the book where Jesus swallows the puzzle piece and the man in the yellow hat has to take him to the hospital.

[Death holds up Peter's death certificate]
Peter: Where did you get that?
Death: It was e-mailed to me by your HMO.

[Peter is ordering from a fast food restaurant]
Peter: Yeah, I'd like 6,000 chicken fajitas, please? Yeah, 6,000 chicken fajitas.
Brian: And a supersized McBiscuit, please?

Peter: Brian should be allowed to see his puppies.
Carter Pewterschmidt: Peter, Think about what you are doing.
Peter: I am, Your honor Brian will be a great dad. Hell if I were half the parent Brian is, I'd know that Chris' favorite ice cream is...
Brian: Chocolate Chip.
Peter: and Stewie's favorite bedtime story is...
Brian: Good Night Moon.
Peter: and Meg's real father's name is...
Brian: Stan Thompson.

Peter: Just like the bad guy from Lethal Weapon 2, I've got diplomatic immunity, so Hammer, you can't sue.

Peter: I got an idea, an idea so smart my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about.

Lois: Honey, what do you say we uh...christen these new sheets, huh?
Peter: Why Lois Griffin, you naughty girl.
Lois: Hehehe...that's me.
Peter: You dirty hustler.
Lois: Hehehehe...
Peter: You filthy, stinky prostitute.
Lois: Aha, ok I get it...
Peter: You foul, venerial disease carrying, street walking whore.
Lois: Alright, thats enough!

Bonnie: Somebody save him, he can't swim!
Peter: Oh, he's not even kicking. Kick Joe, kick.
Lois: Peter, he's a paraplegic!
Peter: That doesn't mean he can't hear. Kick Joe, kick!

Peter: I know something about stupid phone calls
(phone rings in house)
Lois: Hello?
Peter: I cant take the trash out today im working late at the office.
Peter: The called ID says your calling from the kitchen. In fact I can see you.
Peter: Can you see me now?
Lois: No.
Peter: Now I am at the office.

Peter- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Lois, this isn't my Batman glass.

Peter: Just don't forget our deal, Lois. I sit through this and later tonight I get anal. You hear me? No matter how neat I want the house you have to clean it.

Girl: I can't take a credit card sir. I need real money.
Peter: Oh yeah? Watcha sellin'? Meth, ex, crack, dust, coke, block, crystal????? IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD? I DONT THINK SO!!!!
(He breaks lemonade stand.)

Peter: Don't worry Chris. Sometimes it's good not to fit in. (Flashback to Veitnam)
Peter (dressed in a clown suit): You guys are stupid. Their gonna be looking for army people.

Peter: Have they ever shown him doing somebody in and then feeding on him?
Brian: You're asking if they've ever done a Sesame Street in which the Count kills somebody and then sucks their blood for sustenance.
Peter: Yeah.
Brian: No, they've never done that.

Lois: Peter, what did you promise me?
Peter: That I wouldn't drink at the stag party.
Lois: And what did you do?
Peter: Drank at the stag pa-- ... Whoa. I almost walked into that one.

Meg: Mom, Dad--am I ugly?
Lois: Oh of course not sweetie!
Peter: Yeah, where'd you get a stupid idea like that?
Meg: Craig Hoffman.
Peter: Crai....Craig Hoffman said that? Well, he's a sharp kid. You might be ugly.
(Meg runs out crying)

Peter: If you could be stranded on a desert island with any woman in the world, who would it be?
Quagmire: Taylor Hanson.
Joe Swanson: Taylor Hanson is a guy.
Quagmire: [Laughs] You guys are yankin' me. "Hey, let's put one over on Quagmire."
Peter: No, he's actually a guy, Quagmire.
Quagmire: What? That's insane. That's impossible.
Quagmire: Oh god. Oh my god. I've got all these magazines. Oh god.

Chris: Dad, what would you say if I told I didn't want to be in the Scouts?
Peter: I'd say, 'Come again?' and I'd laugh as I said, 'Come.'

Peter: Aww man! I hate Trivial Pursuit, it always makes me feel so stupid.
Brian: More stupid then that time you locked your keys out of the car?
(Cut to Peter inside the car with his keys lying outside his car door.)
Peter: Damn it! Hey! Hey! Somebody! Hey! Sir! Sir! Sir! You see those keys there? Sir! Si-! (man walks away) Screw you! (Sticks a bent straight hanger out of his window and trys to catch the keys on the hanger. The keys fall.) Oh wanaaahhaahaaa!

Peter (drunk and naked at a wine tasting): Hey hey, where the hell is that Peter Griffin? He told me he'd give me a hundred dollars if I took off all my clothes off.

Peter: Sometimes it's appropriate to swear
(Peter is in court)
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you god?
Peter: I do........You bastard

Peter (to Meg): Remember that pony you wanted when you were 6? Well I've been waitin for a time like this.
(opens closet door and a skeleton of a pony is there)
Peter: Oh, oh god, that's right ponies, ponies like food.

Gym Teacher: Most of the time, the kids play out in the field, but if its raining or I'm hungover, they stay inside and play dodgeball.
Peter: Aw I love dodgeball, Heads up! (Throws ball at man)
Home Ec Teacher: This week in home ec, we're teaching your kids how to make bundt cakes.
Peter: Aw I love bundt cakes, Heads up! (Throws a bundt cake at man)
Band Teacher: The school band offers a variety of instruments from the kettle drum to the trombone.
Peter: Aw I love the trombone! (Man is bracing himself)
(Peter does a trombone solo)
Peter: Heads up! (Throws trombone at man)

(Peter has to come up with a fake name on the spot, so he looks around the room to get inspiration)
Peter Griffin: Uh... my name is...(he sees a pea)
Peter Griffin: Pea...
(he sees a woman crying)
Peter Griffin: ... tear...
(he sees a Griffin fly by)
Peter Griffin: ... Griffin. Peter Griffin

Peter: Lois, um, go get the medical dictionary and look up "fork" and "lung."
Lois: Why?
Peter: Time is a factor, Lois.

Black Knight: You see kids, your father is nothing but a fizzle!
(Peter reappears in armour and on a horse.)
Peter: Nobody calls me a fizzle and gets away with it! Except for that one guy who called me a fizzle and then ran away, he got away with it. But most of the people who call me a fizzle don't get away with it! Actually he was the only guy to ever call me a fizzle, but after today only half the people who have ever called me a fizzle will have gotten away with it!

Lois: Together we can do anything: face any foe, overcome any obstacle.
Peter: Yeah, climb any mountain, rent any video, dial any phone. And not just our phone, Lois, other people's phones. Decent phones, God-fearing phones, phones that everybody else gave up on, but we knew better because we were a team!
Brian: What the hell are you talking about?

Peter: A guy at work bought a car out of the paper. Ten years later, Bam! Herpes.

Police Officer: Hey. That's Against the law. You're coming with me.
Peter: (singing to the tune of U Can't Touch this) Ah ah ah ah. Can't Touch Me/ Can't Touch me/ Ja ja ja ja just like the bad guy/ from Lethal Weapon 2/ I've got diplomatic Immunity/ so Hammer, you can't sue/ I can write graffiti even jay-walk in the streets/ I can Riot, loot, not give a hoot, and touch your sister's teat/ Can't touch me/ Can't touch me/
Adam West: What in God's name is he doing?
Peter: Can't touch me.
Cleveland: I believe that's the worm.
Peter: (still singing) Can't touch me/ STOP, Peter time/ I'm a big shot, there's no doubt/ light a fire then pee it out/ Don't like it, kiss my rump/ Just for a minute, let's all do the bump/ Can't touch me/ Yeah, do the Peter Griffin Bump/ Can't touch me/ I'm Presidential Peter/ Interns think I'm hot/ Don't care if you're handicapped, I'll still park in your spot/ I've been around the world/ from Hartford to Back Bay/ It's Peter, Go Peter, I'm so Peter, Yo Peter, Let's see Regis rap this way/ Can't touch me.

Joe: So, what can I do for you Peter?
Peter: Well Joe, I need to talk to you about something kind of personal.
Joe: Shoot.
Peter: Well, you know, I took this test and, uh, it sorta turns out that I'm technically mentally retarded. And, um, i just wanted to ask, ya know, how do you deal with it?
Joe: Deal with what?
Peter: You know, with being retarded.
Joe: Peter, I'm not retarded, I'm handicapped.
Peter: Oh, well now your just splitting hairs.

Brian: Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract?
Peter: Um, if by "read" you mean imagined a naked lady, then, yes.

Peter: And Joe, I've had new neighbors before, but none of them were half the man you are. Since you're half a man already, that splits them into some kind of fraction I can't even measure.

(Peter slowly raises up a comic book into his line of sight while he is driving.)
Peter (to himself): Hehehehehe.....Look at all those hamburgers. You can't eat all those hamburgers, you stupid fella (car veers off the road). Oh geeze! (Peter swerves the car back on the road and then slowly raises up the comic book again). Uh! He's gonna do it! Oh he is SO ridiculous--you hear me, you ridiculous man? (Car crashes into tree.)

Peter: Lois, you've got a sick mind!
Lois: Peter, I'm talking about making love.
Peter: Oh, I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.

Lois: Oh, my God! You can only play the piano when you're drunk!
Peter: Now that's not true! I can also vomit, fall down and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk!

Peter: [writing letter] Dear MacGuyver, Enclosed is a rubber band, a paper clip, and a drinking straw. Please save my dog.

Peter: I don't say this often enough, but, uh, I'm gonna die.
Lois: Oh my God.
Stewie: High five! Anyone? Anyone?

Peter: It's a beautiful baby girl!
Carol: Oh, a girl! I'm so happy!
Peter: But it has a penis. (Picks up scalpel.) I'll take care of that.
Lois: Peter, No!

Peter: Hey Lois, give Chris a break. I mean, no tv? So he failed a class, it's not like he felt up his cousin in the garage that one time when I was 19.

Lois: You see, our son Chris, well...
Peter: Wait, Lois, we have to handle this delicately. Our plow you.
Mrs. Lockheart: Oh, I thought it was something like that.
Quote Rating: 9.1 outta 10 (Over 145 votes) - Vote Now!

Lois: I care about the size of your penis as much as you care about the size of my breasts.
Peter: Oh my God! (runs off crying)

(Peter and Brain are in jail)
Brian: Uh, how was your shower?
Peter: Oh, I tell ya Brian, all the rumors about dropping the soap are true.
Brian: Really?
Peter: Oh yeah, you can't hold onto that thing to save your life. Oh, it was slipping all
over the place. Guys were laughing.

Peter talking to the camera: ...but I'll tell you what's not cool--killing strippers. Strippers are people too; naked people who may be willing to pleasure you for a price you negotiate later behind the curtain of a VIP room. Besides, there's no reason to kill them, 'cause most of them are already dead inside...Good night, folks!

Meg: Finally, look Mom I've had it. I'm not babysitting anymore. It's Saturday night I could be out having a life.
Lois: Meg, if you don't wanna babysit anymore that's fine, but don't you stand there and lie to me.
Peter: OH-HO Meg, she torched your ass man! She torched your ass.

Brian: And remember that time you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia?
(Scene cuts to Peter in the movie theater and everyone is crying, but him)
Peter: I got it! Thats the guy from "Big," ah Tom Hanks! Funny guy Tom Hanks, everything he says is a stich.
Tom Hanks' Character: I have aids.
(Peter laughs hysterically.)

Peter: I'm getting an Audi!
Brian: Peter, there's a "T." That says "audit."
Peter: No, Brian, it's a foreign car, the "T" is silent. Sweet, I'm getting an Audi!

Lois: And you know what? I'm gonna take that chance my father never let me take when I was younger. I'm gonna become a model!
Peter: Hey, that's fantastic, Lois! And I'll pleasure myself to your photos.
Chris: Me too!
Meg: Me too!
Peter: Oh! Oh! God! Meg! That's sick! That's your mother!
Meg (shrugs): I'm just trying to fit in.
Peter: Get out! Get out of this house!
(Meg doesn't move. Peter punches wall.)
(Meg runs out and Peter closes the door.)
Peter: That's a good about your modeling, Lois.

Peter (after coming home drunk): Oh, Lois thank God it's you! The last few houses I went to were very rude.

Peter:..Hello Sally, h-hey its Peter Griffen. Yeah, that's right, senior prom, yeah it's been a listen, um, I just found out that Im retarted and um, I'm just calling to let you know that uh, you might want to get yourself tested.

Peter (to New Yorker): Excuse me sir, I believe you're in my seat and I had sex with your mother.
Man: What'd you say?
Peter: What--about the seat or me plowin' your fathers wife?

[Family is talking about Peter's Drinking problem]
Brian Griffin: And remember the time when you had an Irish Coffee before we went to see "Philadelphia?"
[Shows them in a movie theater]
Peter: Ah, yeah. It's the guy from "Big." Tom Hanks Everything he says is a riot.
Tom Hanks: I have AIDS.
[Peter starts laughing uncontrollably]

Peter: You may have killed her when you shoved all those dollar bills down her throat, you may have killed her when you hit her with the stool ... I don't know, I'm not a doctor. But I'll tell you what didn't kill her ... smoking!

Peter: So did your therapist figure out what the problem was?
Brian: Yeah. He thinks I'm in love.
Peter: Oh my can talk!

Lois: Peter, why would they make you president?
Peter: Maybe it's because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second - RARF!
Lois: Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise.

Peter: Make like Siamese twins and split ... and then one of you die.

Jayna: "...form of--Hawk! Come on, Peter!"
Peter: "Okay, I'm coming. Form of--Jayna's tampon [goes in purse]. And now we play the waiting game."

Peter: That was then and this is now. And this is a chair. And that's a lamp. And you have boobies. And I'm gonna find that trophy.

Doctor: Mr. Griffin, you're fine.
Peter: Oh now you're coming on to me?
Lois: Peter, he's not coming on to you, he's telling you you're healthy!
Doctor: Can't it be both?

Peter: Hey, what are you doing here?
Superman: I killed a hooker. She made a crack about me being faster than a speeding bullet so I ripped her in half like a phonebook.
Quote Rating: 9.0 outta 10 (Over 408 votes) - Vote Now!

Peter: Gays don't vommit. They're a very clean people. And they have been ever since they came to this country from France.

Peter: What am I supposed to do with all my great ideas? Put 'em in a tub and clean myself with them? That's what soap is for, Lois.

Peter: What the hell did you do?
Brian: Me? Who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher?
Peter: I'll tell you who. Someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at risk.

Peter: We all love the bible in this house.
Francis: Really? What's your favourite book of the bible.
Peter: Umm ... the one where Jesus swallows the puzzle piece, and the man in a big yellow hat has to take him to the hospital.

Peter: I'll give you $40 for that coffin.
Store Owner: Sir, this casket is $1,000.
Peter: I'll give you $2,000.
Store Owner: Sir, that's double what it costs.
Peter: $60.
Brian: [to the store owner] He doesn't know how to haggle.

Peter: Hey, What's His Name?
Al Gore: Dick Army
Peter: Phhhhh, ha ha ha ha. No Seriously What Is It?
Al Gore: Dick Army
Peter: Phhhhh, ha ha ha ha. Hey Dick, What's Your Wife's Name? Vagina Coastguard?

Brian: Peter, are you sure, you've never had much luck telling jokes.
[Flash back to Peter in a net surrounded by apes with guns]
Peter: Okay, Okay. How many dirty stinkin' apes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three: One dirty stinkin' ape to screw in the light bulb, and two dirty stinkin' apes to throw faeces at each other. Hehehehehehe.
[Apes cock shotguns]

Peter (to New Yorker): Excuse me sir, I believe you're in my seat and I had sex with your mother.
Man: What'd you say?!
Peter: What--about the seat or me plowin' your fathers wife?

Lois: Good, I don't have to cook.
Peter: Oh, no, go ahead and cook anyway, Lois, and we'll throw it out. I don't want you to get rusty.

Congressman: There is no just cause for an invasion of Iraq.
Peter: Well that may be, but what were all forgetting is anyone that doesn't want to go to war is gay.
Congressman:I want to go to war.
Congressman:I want to go to war.
All of Congress:I want to go to war.
Dick Cheney:I was the first one who wanted to go to war.

Peter: The deep south? Isn't that the place where the black guys are really lazy and all the white guys are just as lazy but they're mad at the black guys for being so lazy?

Brian: Hey, do you hear that?
Peter: What?
Brian: Sounds like someone's screaming.
Peter: What? What is it boy? What are you trying to say?
Brian: It sounds like Loretta is screaming.
Peter: Trouble at the old mill?
Brian: What are you insane?
Peter: Somebody fall through the ice?
Brian: It's summer.
Peter: Bobcat?
Peter: Loretta's in trouble?! Come on boy!

Peter: Wow! Lois, look at you! You look like Britney Spears! Except not a fat guy.

Lois: Peter tell Chris that women are not objects!
Peter: Your mother's right Chris, listen to what it says.

(Peter recalling the vaccuum cleaning guy)
Vaccuum guy: We fixed your vaccuum cleaner. It seems the problem was a half-eaten meatball lodged in the vaccuum intake.
Peter: Well did you keep it?
Vaccuum guy (with a puzzled look on his face):
Peter: You bastard

Black Knight: You see kids your father is nothing but a fizzle!
Peter: Nobody calls me a fizzle and gets away with it! Except that one guy who called me a fizzle and then ran off. He got away with it. But most people who call me a fizzle don't get away with it. Well, actually, that guy who got away with it was the only one who ever called me a fizzle. After today ... only half the people who ever called me a fizzle will have gotten away with it.

Lois: A flight attendant? Wow, that does sound exciting. What made you change your mind?
Peter: Just my desire to see you happy.
Lois: Aww .... (hugs peter)
Peter: And to exploit your hard labour for free travel and fun.
Lois: What?
Peter: Shhh ... I didn't say anything. Go to sleep crazy lady.

[watching Cricket on British TV]
Peter: What the hell is he talking about?
Englishman: Oh, it's Cricket. Marvelous game, really. You see, the bowler hurls the ball toward the batter who tries to play away a fine leg. He endeavors to score by dashing between the creases, provided the wicket keeper hasn't whipped his bails off, of course.
Peter: Anybody get that?
Cleveland: The only British idiom I know is that "fag" means "cigarette."
Peter: Well, someone tell this "cigarette" to shut up.

Peter: I hope this isn't a ripoff like that breakfast machine I bought.
(Cut to peter in his kitchen activating his breakfast machine. A ball rolls activating a series of devices soon reaching a balloon attatched to a string attached to a gun. This pulls the trigger and shoots Peter right in the arm.)

Man: Wow, Lois Griffin, Hey, I love your act! Nice mellons.
Peter: Now listen pal!
Lois: Peter, I'm holding mellons.
Peter: Oh
Man: And her hooters aint bad either.
Peter: Now hold on a second.
Lois: Peter! I'm holding hooters!
Peter: Oh, sorry.
Man: No problem .
Man: Your wife's hot.
Peter: Alright that's it!

Peter: I had such a crush on her. Until I met you Lois. You're my silver medal.

(Lois comes in through door)
Lois: Hi, Boys.
Peter: I didn' have my hand down my pants!
Lois: Hmm...Good for you. I just bought use some new sheets at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.
Peter: Oh boy, I hope you stayed away from that "beyond" section.
(Cuts to scene where Peter is pushing a shopping cart into a door labeled "BEYOND."
Peter: (Swirling through vortex) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh-- Oh, here are the coffee mugs...

Quagmire: Hey Peter, uhh you have a card for if you transfered V.D. to somebody.
Peter: Uhh lets see here...uhh yep, "Sorry I accidentally gave you V.D."
Quagmire: Huh, that's all you have is accidental huh? All right I'll take it.
Quote Rating: 8.9 outta 10 (Over 49 votes) - Vote Now!

Peter: As we all know, Christmas is that mystical time of year when the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave to feast on the flesh of the living! So we all sing Christmas Carols to lull him back to sleep.
Bob: Outrageous, How dare he say such blasphemy. I've got to do something.
Man #1: Bob, there's nothing you can do.
Bob: Well, I guess I'll just have to develop a sense of humor.

Lois: Peter, wake up! Our son is covered in fleas!
Peter: Thats nothing! When I was a kid, I was covered in ticks!
Lois: This isn't a compitition!
Peter: It was back then. (Glances over at trophy, "Most Ticks 1965")

Brian: Uh..Peter according to this you're not a genius. In fact you're mentally retarded.
Peter: Oh yeah? Well would a mentally retarded guy have hired a bulldozer with a drunk driver to level half of his house in celebration of his fantastic test results?
Brian: Uhh maybe.
Peter: Oh.

Peter: Hey Mort, do these suppositories come in other flavors?
Mort: Peter, are you eating those?
Peter: No, I'm shoving 'em up my but. Of course I'm eating 'em!

Peter-YO LOIS!
Peter- I'm packing for Kiss-stock and I can't find my favorite underwear.
Lois-You mean the pair with the rip in the right butt check from when you stepped on them pulling them up in that airplane bathroom from when you had the trotts?
Peter-No, no the pair with the whole in the left butt check from when I held it in for two hours cuz it was an extra long Palm Sunday church sermon and I thought that blowing gas would offend jesus so I let it go in the vestabule after mass and it sounded like Louie Armstrong.
Lois-Oh! Bottom drawer.

Cleveland: Thanks for including my Civil Rights boardgame in the game night rotation guys.
Lois: Oh, we're always happy to play "Two Decades of Dignity." It makes us all feel a little less guilty.
(Peter rolls dice and moves his gamepiece.)
Peter (reading off a gamecard): For whistling at a white woman, go directly to jail. Aww, man doesn't anyone ever win at this game?
Cleveland: You don't win. You just do a little better each time.

(At the Quahog county trailer park)
Brian: You're really going to take back donated presents on Christmas Eve?
Peter: Yep, now here's the plan: You'll enter thru the air contitioning duct here. Now there'll be an invisible laser grid three inches from the floor, so you'll have to compress your body to the size of an ordinary household sponge and slide underneath like some kind of weird amphibious dolphin.
Brian: Can I buy some pot from you?

Head Scout: You've got three days to earn a badge.
Peter: Three days! That's tomorrow! We gotta get going.

Peter (In Asiatown): Oh my God it's Jackie Chan! (Asian guy walks away)
Peter (to next Asian guy): Oh my God it's Jackie Chan! (Asian guy again walks away)
Peter (to another Asian guy): Oh my God it's Jackie Chan!
Jackie Chan: Great to see I have a fan! Oh my God it's Ethan Hawk!
Peter: No I'm not.
Jackie Chan to Chris: Oh my God it's Ethan Hawk!
Chris: Nope.
Jackie Chan to Meg: Oh my God it's Malcom in Middle!
Meg: Im not a boy!
Peter: Yes you are.

Peter: Hey, Lois, look! The two symbols of the Republican party: an elephant and a big fat white guy who's threatened by change.
Quote Rating: 8.8 outta 10 (Over 249 votes) - Vote Now!

Peter: (at the Drunken Clam)...yah and then Chris starts in with all this Yo! Yo! Yo! stuff and I don't know what the hell he's talking about. So i started beating him with a hose and then my arm got I came here.

Lois: Peter, did you paste a new picture of yourself on our wedding picture?
Peter: Yeah I think it looks better.
Lois: You pasted it over me.
Peter: Yeah I think it looks better.

Peter: Can't we tell them that your mother died?
Lois: Peter, I'm not gonna lie about something like that.
Peter: All right, all right, I'll kill your mother.

Peter: Sorry Meg. Daddy loves ya, but Daddy also loves Star Trek, and in all fairness, Star Trek was here first.
Quote Rating: 8.8 outta 10 (Over 362 votes) - Vote Now!

Peter: I'd like to propose a toast to our neighbors. Sure they might be black, handicapped, and a heartless sex hound, but hey, if they moved out some smelly Hawaiians might move in.

Peter: Alright here's a riddle, a mother has two children, and an axe murderer says she can keep one. Which one does she let die?
Lois: Peter, that's not a joke, that's just horrible!
Peter: Wrong the ugly one!

Peter: I've got an idea! An idea so smart that my head would explode if I even began to know what I'm talking about.

Peter: I'm gonna go microwave a bagel and have sex with it.
Quagmire: Butter's in the fridge!

Peter: What are you gonna make me do? Whack a guy? Off a guy? Whack off a guy? 'Cause I'm married.

Peter: Hey Lois, can you grab me a beer?...Lois?
Chris: Dad, I think she went out.
Peter: Alright then you be Lois.
Chris: Okay.
Peter: Hey Lois, can you get me a be...oh my God, you've really let yourself go!
Chris: Well maybe if you bought me some nice clothes once in a while!

Peter: A boat's a boat but a box could be anything! It could even be a boat!

Peter: Well, we promised Lois we'd use our powers responsibly, but I suppose doing the exact opposite couldn't hurt.

Peter: HOLY CRAP! I'm communticating with nature! Uh, tree, if one of you falls and no one is around to hear you, do you make a noise?
Tree: Oh yeah, Scott fell over last week and hasn't shut up about it since.
Scott the Tree: Oh yeah, go ahead and bitch, but you don't see anyone trying to HELP ME!

(The family is coming back from the basketball game)
Peter: Hey nice job Chris! You wiped the floor with that towel!
Chris: Yeah did you see me when that hottie was all up im ma kool aid!? Yeah I was about to break off a lil' somthin somthin but then my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and shes all about the bling-bling!
(Peter slams on the breaks)
Peter: Meg start reading at Pslam 41 and don't stop! The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you! (While Peter is squirting holy water in Chris's eyes)
Lois: Peter what on earth are you doing?!
Peter: The boy is speaking in tounges Lois!
The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!
Lois: Peter stop it! He's not possesed!
Meg: Yeah he's just talking street. A lot of kids do it.
Peter: Oh. Well that's weird.

Peter: Now kids, Daddy only drank so the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off.

[Peter has bought a sexy version of a relationship tape]
Lois: $49.95? Are you sure we can afford this?
Peter: Lois, our relationship can not be measured in nipples and dimes ... nickels and boobs ... money.
[runs off]

Mr. Pewterschmidt: Oh my God, he's violating Seabreeze!
Peter: No,no he's just awkwardly positioning himself... oh now he's violating Seabreeze.

(Peter looks around and sees the KKK following him and Cleveland.)
Peter: Holy crap! Do you know what this means?
Cleveland: I'm afraid so.
Peter: We're being chased by ghosts!

Brian: Peter, this is the final plague.
Peter: Good cause this is starting to get boring.
Brian: Peter, the final plague is the death of the first born son.
Peter: Oh no Stewie!
Brian: First born...
Peter: Meg!
Brian: Your daughter...
Peter: Chris!
Quote Rating: 8.7 outta 10 (Over 52 votes) - Vote Now!

Peter: Fox has one of those new reality shows at eight, 'Fast animals, slow children.'

Petern: Chris is not as smart as you think he is...
(Peter slaps Chris in the back of the head)
Chris: HEY!
Peter: He did it.
(Peter points to a nearby floor lamp, and Chris attacks it and starts fighting with it.)

Peter: Sometimes our son Chris can be a boob, I mean a melon, I mean a sopping wet pair of breasts covered only by a thin red shirt.

Lois: Okay here we go, "What color is a firetruck?"
Peter: Aww, oh God I always get these. Umm..okay..uhh..all right..firetruck..firetruck firetruck firetruck firetruck. What color are those red firetrucks? Uhh..Oh god I can picture them now...all red and everything.

Chris: Yea, we can live with you again even though you are a dangerous retard!
Peter: Chris, don't say retard. we preffer to be called 'little people' because there is nothing wrong with being mentally challenged. In fact, i've learned we are superior, above all you dumb brainy smarties , and one day you will beg us for mercy...and we will consider it.

Chris: Hey, dad, look! I covered my back with honey and now the ants are taking me home.
Peter: He does the same thing at home with Velveeta and cockroaches. If you turn the light on really fast they slam him right into the fridge.

Lois (to counselor): This is the first act of violence Stewie has ever done.
Stewie: Well actually, the first act of violence was the time bomb I left ticking in your uterus before I came out. Happy 50th birthday Lois!

(Peter is trying to potty train Stewie)
Peter: C'mon Stewie, don't you want to pee in the toilet like a big boy?
Stewie: Well, perhaps I could give it the old college try. Would you put your hands there on the toilet seat, it'll help me relax.
Peter: OK. (Slams toilet seat down on Peter's fingers.) AAAHHHHHH!!!!
Stewie: Listen you, I'll use these facilities when I'm DAMN WELL READY!!!! Untill then you shall continue to sanitize my crevice and be DAMN GRATFEUL FOR THE OPPORTUNITY!!! Starting right . . .hmmp. . . hmmmp. . . . .hmmmmmp well then, not now, BUT SOON! (Walks off.)

Peter: I told Lois I wouldn't drink
Quagmire: Don't feel so bad Peter
Peter: Hey, I never thought of it that way.

Peter: At least they don't put their feminine ointments next to the mustard, Lois. That was the worst hot dog I ever ate.

Lois: I'm upset because you never listen to me. This is Atlantic City all over again.
[Lois and Peter at Blackjack table]
Dealer: You've got 20!
Peter: Hit me.
Lois: Peter, don't.
Peter: Hit me.
Dealer: 21!
Peter: Hit me.
Lois: Peter.
Peter: Hit me.
Dealer: That's 30
Peter: Hit me.

Joe: Maybe Peter took the trophy, he wanted it all along.
Peter: I couldn't have taken it, I was too busy breakin' into Joe's garage stealin' his ladder so I could steal the trophy tonight!
Lois: Peter!
Peter: What? It's a ladder, he can't use it. It's like takin' a watch off a dead guy.

Peter: Our children are our greatest treasure. They deserve a school board president who doesn't leave her feminine ointments in the fridge next to the mustard. That was the worst sandwich I ever ate! She flosses in bed. She snores like a wildebeast. She freed Willie Horton. She nailed Donna Rice.
Lois: Peter, that's enough!
Peter: Eats babies.
(crowd applauds)

Death: You can't tell anyone that I'm here. For if you do, the consequences could be dire.
Peter: Go on ...
Death: That's it.
[to Lois]
Death: God, what do you see in him?

Brian: I don't want to say "I told you so", but... YEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! IN YOUR ****ING FACE! IN YOUR ****ING FACE!!! ... I am so sorry...

When she worries she says things like 'I told you so,' and 'Stop doing that, I'm asleep

Peter: Holy crip, he's a crapple!

Brian: "So how did she take it?"
Peter: "I told her she was fat."
Brian: (HIts Peter with rolled up paper) "NO,NO!"

Peter: Lois may be worth a million bucks to you, but to me she's worthless.

Peter: Women are not people, they are devices built by our Lord Jesus Christ for our entertainment.

Peter: Pictures are better than words because some words are big and hard to understand.

Peter: Come on you guys. I gonna buy us the most expensive meal we've ever had.
Peter (to drive-through speaker): Yeah, I'd like 6,000 chicken fahJItas please.
Drive-through Speaker: I beg your pardon.
Peter: 6,000 chicken fahJItas.
Brian: And a so-sahge McBiskit please.

Lifeguard: Sir you can't park your van on the diving board.
Peter: That's not a van, that's my son.

(Peter and Brian are setting up a crib for the expected baby.)
Brian: Insert Rod A into Rod Support B.
Peter: That's what she--
Brian: If you say that's what she said one more time I'm gonna pop you.

Peter: Oh! Doesn't he just make you so mad that you wanna go down there and hit him?
Cleveland: No.
Peter: Well maybe not him 'cause he's kinda big. But don't you wanna hit the guy sittin' next to ya? Well not him 'cause he's kinda big too. But don't you wanna hit his kid?
(punches kid)
Peter: Take that Macho Man Randy Savage. Ya jerk!

Peter: Oh this is almost as intense as that time I forgot how to sit down!

Peter: Lois, When I'm through with them, our kids will be so smart, they'll be able to program their own VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself.

Peter: At least I'll be the fattest guy on the street who won a boat.
Fat Albert: Hey, hey, hey! I just won a boat!

Peter: Woah! Is that really the blood of Christ?
Priest: Yes.
Peter: Man, that guy must have been wasted 24 hours a day, huh?

Peter: Math. Math, my dear boy, is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.

[Peter and Lois are dumbfounded after they find Brian masturbating]
Lois: Was he just ...
Peter: Do ... do I rub his nose in it?

Peter: Look at this, Lois, see right here [points in book], I was voted most likely to succeed!
Lois: Peter, that's not you. That's not even a yearbook, it's a People magazine.
Peter: Oh, I wondered why they had the wrong picture and name.

Peter: She was with some guy going, "Bam bam bam bam bam!"
Brian: Uhh...Peter? Uhh...
Peter: Hang..Hang on I'm not done. "Bam bam bam!" And she's all, "Oh yeah oh yeah." "Bam bam bam!" Wanna take it from here Bam Bam?
Bam Bam: Bam bam bam bam bam! You wanna take it from here Emeril?
Emeril: Bam!

Peter (leaving a message for Mr. Weed): Mr. Weed? This Peter Griffin. I will not be coming to work today, I was in a terrible plane crash. My entire family was killed and I am a vegetable.

Peter: I've had a good life. And you can always be proud of your father and all of his accomplishments.
Meg: What accomplishments?
Peter: Go to your room.

Peter: Lois, I'm gonna grow a beard.
Lois: Peter, you know I hate beards ...
Peter: No no Lois, it's time I joined the ranks of great men with beards. Why do you think Jesus Christ was so popular? Cause ... cause of all the magic tricks?

Peter: First of all Bonnie, you've been pregnant for like 6 years! Are you gonna have the baby or not?

Peter: You gotta help me Brian. Teach me how to be a gentleman.
Brian: Well, Peter, it's not really that hard. Let's start with polite conversation. For example, 'it's a pleasure to see you again. Lovely weather we're having.' Now you try.
Peter: 'It's a pleasure to see you again. After Hogan's Heroes, Bob Crane got his skull crushed in by a friend who videotaped him having rough sex.' How's that?
Brian: Wow. Perfect. My work is done. But just for the heck of it, let's try it again.

Chris: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Peter: Math. Math my dear boy is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.

Peter: You know what's funny? I always thought that dogs laid eggs, and I learned something today.
Quote Rating: 8.4 outta 10 (Over 282 votes) - Vote Now!

(During church, as the pastor reads from the bible, Peter starts throwing bibles at people.)
Peter: BIBLE FIGHT!!!!!!!

Counselor: I'd like to put video cameras in every room of your house so that I can observe your uncensored behavior.
Peter: Wow, just like that show Big Brother ... except somebody'll be watching.

Peter: My dad worked at that factory for sixty years. That's almost eighty years.

Peter: You know that whole Vietnam thing? Never happened.
Brian: Oh yeah, but don't mention it around the Veterans Hospital. Those guys are really committed to the lie.
Quote Rating: 8.4 outta 10 (Over 278 votes) - Vote Now!

Doctor: Wait a minute, Brian, you have a pre-existing relationship with this degenerate?
Peter: A degenerate, am I? Well you are a festizio! See, I can make up words too, sister.

Brian: Face it Peter, you get competitive about everything.
Peter: I am so not competitive. In fact, I am the least non-competitive. So I win.

Chris: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Peter: Math. Math my dear boy is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.

Peter: You know what's funny? I always thought that dogs laid eggs, and I learned something today.

(During church, as the pastor reads from the bible, Peter starts throwing bibles at people.)
Peter: BIBLE FIGHT!!!!!!!

Counselor: I'd like to put video cameras in every room of your house so that I can observe your uncensored behavior.
Peter: Wow, just like that show Big Brother ... except somebody'll be watching.

Peter: My dad worked at that factory for sixty years. That's almost eighty years.

Peter: You know that whole Vietnam thing? Never happened.
Brian: Oh yeah, but don't mention it around the Veterans Hospital. Those guys are really committed to the lie.

Doctor: Wait a minute, Brian, you have a pre-existing relationship with this degenerate?
Peter: A degenerate, am I? Well you are a festizio! See, I can make up words too, sister.

Brian: Face it Peter, you get competitive about everything.
Peter: I am so not competitive. In fact, I am the least non-competitive. So I win.

Lois Griffin: This can be a great opportunity for you and Stewie to bond.
Peter Griffin: Bond ... James Bond. I'll do it.

Peter: If I were half the parent Brian is I would know that Chris's favorite ice cream is...
Brian: Chocolate chip.
Peter: And I'd know that Stewie's favorite bedtime story is...
Brian: Good Night Moon.
Peter: And I'd know that Meg's real father is...
Brian: Stan Thomson.

Peter (to a bus load of girls): I'll be Charlie and all of you can be my angels. Except you. You be Bosley.

Peter: It doesn't matter if your family doesn't think I'm good enough for you.
Lois: That's right, because all that's important is that I love you.
Peter: No, because your ancestors were nothing but a bunch of pimps and whores.

Peter: I don't take coupons from giant chickens, not after last time.

Lois: I just wish my opinion mattered to you.
Peter: Well, the important thing is, it matters to you, and that's the greatest gift of all.

(Lois and Peter come out wearing the same dress.)
Peter: Well one of us is gonna have to change.
(Lois gives him a look.)
Peter: Oh crap. Unzip me.

Peter: C'mon, let's go drink 'til we can't feel feelings anymore.

[Chris jumps on Peter's lap]
Chris: Dad, the scouts are no fun. I just want to draw. Oh, and...
[kisses Peter]
Peter: Son, I am going to stand up, walk out of this room, and we are never to speak of this again.

Miss Ironbox: The filing is done Mr. Griffin.
Peter: Thank you Miss Ironbox. You are a valued
member of our business team and I will give you a
raise tomorrow if you come to work without a shirt on.
Miss Ironbox: Mr. Griffin!
Peter: I'm sor...I'm sorry, that came out wrong.
Lemme' try again. Nice ass.

Cleveland: The only Brittish idiom I know is that 'fag' means cigarette.
Peter: Well someone tell this cigarette to shut up.

Cleveland: If you're this desperate about Chris's weight, why don't you just suck the fat out?
Peter: Look, if you can find a hole on the boy that you want to put your lips on, be my guest.

Grandpa Griffin: You're a good woman, Lois. Perhaps you won't burn in hell after all. Maybe you'll just go to purgatory with all the unbaptized babies.
Peter: There you go, Lois, you love kids.

Peter: Lois, I cant find my favorite pair of underwear.
Lois: Which one? The one where you ripped hole in it from when you got stuck in that airplane bathroom from when you got the trots?
Peter: No, I'm looking for the pair from when I had to hold it in because it was that extra long Palm Sunday service and I thought blowing gas would offend God so I let it rip in the vestibule after service?
Lois: Top drawer.

Peter: Here's to our wives! They may not be as hot as the women you see on TV, or as entertaining, but, um ... y'know, I don't know where I'm going with this, but thanks anyway.

Host: This one for Peter Griffin and Tony Randle.
Announcer: The password is "flaming".
Peter: You...
Tony: Actor.
Peter: You...
Tony: Tony?
Peter: You...

Hotel Guy: You're Mel Gibson?
Peter: Yes, I gained a few pounds for my next role. I play Peter Griffin, a heroic warrior who defied the English, to free England from the English
Hotel Guy: Oh, right this way Mr. Gibson!

Peter: How'd you find out I was dying?
Death: It got e-mailed to me by your HMO.
Peter: Woah, woah just cause my doctor's a jerk doesn't mean you have to call him names.

Peter: Beer that never goes flat. Do you know what that means, Brian? This beer will still be carbonated long after you die of old age and we buy another dog to help the kids ... y'know, forget about you.

Peter: I got no idea how to be black ... y'know, except for not smiling when I get my picture taken.
Quote Rating: 8.3 outta 10 (Over 229 votes) - Vote Now!

Peter: My son here is gonna be the best thing to happen in New York since Mayor Giuliani had all the homeless people secretly killed.

Meg: Dad, if I don't get my driver's license, I'll never have any boyfriends, I'll never get married and I'll have to adopt a kid like Rosie O'Donnell.
Peter: Meg ... are you implying that Rosie O'Donnell cant drive?

Steve: Well, well, Officer Swanson. You and your friends are dead, you're all dead!
Peter: Oh, good, he thinks we're zombies. He'll leave us alone.

Lois: What did I tell you?
Peter: You told me not to drink at the stag party.
Lois: and what did you do?
Peter: I drank at the sta- Whoa... I almost fell right into that one!

Peter: [giving a speech running for school board] This is life so go and have a ball. Because the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you may not be right for some. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have ... my opening statement. Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.

Peter: Miss Cliffton! Miss Cliffton! Miss Cliffton! Miss Cliffton! Miss Cliffton! Miss Cliffton! Miss Cliffton! Miss Cliffton! Miss Cliffton! Ooo! Pick me! Miss Cliffton! Miss Cliffton! Miss Cliffton! Miss Cliffton!
Miss Clifton: Mrs. Griffin, how about you pass those out.
Peter: Damn.

Peter (to Brian before he gets neutered):I am not looking forward to what you're going to be like once they do this to you.
Brian (overweight and eating a box of chocolates): I LOVE chocolate...but I can't eat it because then I'll get fat. But it's SOOOO good!
Quote Rating: 8.2 outta 10 (Over 73 votes) - Vote Now!

Peter: Wait, wait, wait, wait a second. You're tellin' me that I came all the way to Kentucky to get some of your fried chicken, and the Colonel isn't even workin' today?!?

(Meg walks in after getting a make-over)
Meg: Look everybody I got a makeover!!
Peter: Aw, Meg I thought you were always beautiful...(starts bursting out laughing). It's hard to say that with a straight face. (Continues laughing.)

Peter: I didn't even fart until I was 30.
(Flash back, Peter hears a farting sound)
Peter: What the hell was that?

Peter: Brian, it's moments like this that make me sad you're gonna die fifty years before I do.
Quote Rating: 8.2 outta 10 (Over 187 votes) - Vote Now!

Lois: Oh my God, my baby's drunk!
Peter: No I'm not! Oh--him. Yeah, he's a real lightweight.
Stewie: I'm tired and I want to go to bed. Everybody! I'm drunk and I wanna go to bed. Just the women!

Peter: The two of you will one day bless our home with the pitter patter of sweet little grandchildren as ugly as sin.

Lois: Peter, did you post a new picture of yourself on our wedding picture?
Peter: Yeah, I think it looks better.
Lois: You posted it over me!!
Peter: Yeah, I think it looks better.

Peter (running for President of the school board): I'll make sex education fun!
Cartoon character: Vagina junction, what's your function? Eatin' up sperm and spittin out babies!

Lois: I am not a crazy broad!
Peter: Oh, no, no, Lois, he didn't mean you're crazy like Elizabeth Taylor. He meant you're crazy, like that glue. You stick to things, y'know, like an adhesive. That's all he meant.

I.R.S. Representative:Well sir, I'm afraid that your not qualified for a tax refund.
Peter:AAAHHHHH... ohh sorry, i still haven't gotten over the loss of party of five.
I.R.S.: Well as I was saying you are not getting a tax refund.
Peter:AAAHHHHHH... oh Party of Five. What were you saying?
IRS: You're not intitled for a tax refund.
IRS: Was that for Party of Five again?
Peter: No, that was for my tax refund! What the hell is Party of Five!?

Peter: If I was half the parent Brian is, I'd know that Chris's favorite ice cream is ...
Brian: Chocolate chip.
Peter: And Stewie's favorite bed-time story is ...
Brian: Goodnight Moon.
Peter: And Meg's real father's name is ...
Brian: Stan Thompson.

Meg: I finally get my driver's license and the car gets taken away, how ironic.
Peter: Meg, don't talk to your mother that way, she is not an iron.

Brian: You're asking me if they've ever done an episode where the Count kills someone, and then drinks their blood for sustinance?
Peter: Yeah.
Brian: No, i don't think they've done that one, yet.

Chris: Dad, I tried to go to school but this guy won't let me.
Peter: Oh yeah? Him and what army?
Chris: The U.S. Army.
Peter: Oh, that's a good army.

Peter: Hey, anybody got a quarter?
Bill Gates: What's a quarter?

Peter: Wow, it's like I've died and went to heaven. But then they realized it wasn't my time yet. So they sent me to a brewery.

Peter: Y2K? What are you selling, chicken or sex jelly?

Peter (runs to picketers bearing signs that say "Free Tibet"): Free Tibet! I'll take it! (Runs to phone booth.) Hello, China? I think I have something you may want, but it's gonna cost you....that's right--all the tea.

Peter: You know, some people think that dandlions are weeds, but, you know, I always think, who the hell decided tulips were so great?

Peter: If I wasn't so sure you were a lesbian, I'd say you were coming on to me.

Brian: Oh my god! They're eating Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa!
Peter: That's crazy...they'll just be hungry again in an hour.

Peter: Here's to our neighbors. They may be black, handicap, or a heartless sex hound. But if it weren't for them, some smelly Hawaiians might move in.

Lois: Have you been drinking?
Peter: Why, yes, I have. Thank you.

Peter: Oh no. I gotta fart, but I don't know which way to lean.

Peter: I'm not afraid of anything, I laugh in the face of Death. See HAHAHAHA.
Death: Oh great! Thanks a lot. As if it wasnt already hard enough to fit in.

Peter: Listen Lois, I know you're a feminist and I think that's adorable, but this is grown-up time and I'm the man.

Peter: Whoa whoa whoa, what's this, my bill or my phone number?
Secretary: Ummm, that's your phone number, sir.
Peter: Oh, hehehe. Well it's still pretty pricy!

Peter: Wow, that Lois is some kinda woman.
Quagmire: Yeah, just thinkin' about her makes my testicles wanna drop. Ooh, speak of the devil. Ooh, make the devils.

Lois: Peter, isn't she beautiful?
Peter: Yeah, but I think she's with that guy. They've been holding hands all night.
Lois: Peter, I meant Meg.
Peter: Oh, yeah, she's hot.

Peter: First one to the marker where that Pakistani girl fell through the ice after coming to the States to get treatment for her severely burned face which she got when the man she refused to marry dumped sulphuric acid on her wins. I win!

Superman: We must stop Lex Luthor before he irradiates the world's supply of gold.
Peter: Uh hi, uh sorry, I know you got a meeting going on, but um, so we are officially running low on Mr. Pibb and Cheez-its, so um, just putting it out there if you're heading to the store later, uh, you know, uh, 800 mile drive for me, like 5 seconds for you. Whatever, I'm not here.

Lois: Peter, maybe you had better let me drive.
Peter: Oh come on Lois. A woman driving a car. Hahaha.

Meg: I can't believe my stupid parents are going to follow around stupid old KISS, it's painful.
Peter: Not half as painful as a tire iron upside your head.
Meg: What?
Peter: I'll miss you!

Lois: Are you gonna miss me?
Peter: Only until I go to the newsstand and buy a Hustler.

Peter: Lois, everyone has their sanctuary. The Catholics have churches, fat people have Wisconsin, and I have the Pawtucket Brewery.

Peter: Ok, there's this Jewish guy and a Chinese guy at a bar, and...oh, God (looking at a bunch of Jewish men on one side, and Chinese men on the other side)! Ok, so there's this Jewish guy and a Chinese guy at a bar, and they see this naked priest...oh, sorry Father.
Naked Priest: Nah, it's alright. I've heard them all.

Lois: I'm worried about Meg. She's spiraling out of control, I mean what if she develops a coke habit ?"
Peter: No Coke, Pepsi!
(Lois walks away)
Peter: Aww, come on! You set me up for that one!

Lois: (Noticing Chris' pimple): Oh my God! Look at the size of that pimple, you're like a circus freak! (Laughs.) Aw, I'm just kidding, it means you're becoming a man, sweetie.
Peter: Yeah, I remember when I first became a man.
Doctor: The operation was a success. What are you going to go by now?
(Peter looks under his hospital gown)
Peter: Peter...

Brian: Oh my god. They ate Tricia Takanawa.
Peter: Why? They're just gonna get hungry again in an hour.

Lois (looking at a used car Peter wants): Peter, this car has dents in it, and it's got a cardboard steering wheel.
Peter: Just a second honey.
Lois: And look, there's no engine! It just has a drawing of an engine!
Car salesman: But it only had one previous owner....James Bond!
Peter: I'll take it!

Receptionist: You can't go in there...
Peter: Oh yeah? Just watch me! (smacks into a brick wall)
Receptionist: No, I mean you can't go in there because that door leads nowhere, try the door next to it.

Peter: Hey Fallon! Say goodnight you bum!
And this is for laughing during every comedy sketch you've ever been in! Who do you think you are, Carol Burnett? You think that she did it so it's alright for you? You haven't earned what she's earned! Alright, now where is the guy who slept with my daughter?!

(Brian teaching remedial class)
Brian: My God, nobody can be this stupid. Not even Peter when he took that blow to the head and thought he was Larry from Three's Company.
(Flashback to Brian in the kitchen)
Peter (to Brian): Jack, there's a hot tub party across the street and we're invited. Oh, and don't worry, if ah, Mr. Furly comes by I'll make sure he thinks you're yeeeeeeeaaa!
(Brian back in the classroom)
Peter (enters classroom and talking to Brian): Jack, twins, Swedish, my place, now!

Peter: While I'm at it give me all these copies of "Marie Claire." Ya know in case I wanna rub out that easy one before I get Lois into bed tonight.
Mort: Kathleen Turner's on page 45.
Peter: Kathleen Turner..ehh let's see how she looks..oh that's a shame.

Peter: Let's play a game called Takin' the Fall for Daddy. If you win, I'll buy you a convertible when you get your license.
Meg: Really? Oh Daddy, now I love you again.
Peter: Oh, you're gonna make some Jewish guy a great wife.

Meg: I can't believe he's over me!
Mort: I can't belive I'm out 34 grand!
Peter: I can't believe its not butter! Stick around! More Family Guy coming up!

Lois: You gave up a boat for free tickets to a crappy comedy club!
Peter: Come one, Lois, you're acting like this is the first time I ever did something stupid.

Peter: Lois, less talkie more fetchie.
Lois: I'm just gonna assume that's Chinese for 'I love you.'

Peter: See, Meg, things always work out if you just do whatever you want without thinking about the consequences.

Brian: Face it Peter, you get competitive about everything.
Peter: I am so not competitive. In fact, I am the least non-competitive. So I win.

Government Agent: You're mentally unfit to take care of your children.
Peter: NO!
Chris: NO!
Meg: NO!
Stewie: FINALLY!

Peter: Huh, you know somthing, I always thought that dogs laid eggs. So, yeah. I learned something today.

Joe: What's wrong Peter?
Peter: (Sighs) It's nothing Joe, it's I don't know, it's just that all you guys have something to be proud of; Quagmire got a key to the city, Mort bowled a perfect game, you're always getting medals for catching crooks, hell even Cleveland used to be an accomplished auctioneer.
Cleveland: (Talking fast) I have 125, do I hear 130? one-hundred thirty thousand for this authentic Comensia headress, I got 130, I got 130, Do I hear 135, One-Fort....(Gets hit in head with totem, then his voice slows down) One..Thirty..five goin' once.

Peter: I'm not gonna kill those kids. If they die I'll have nothing to watch on Wednesdays ... Other than the fine programs on Fox.

Brian: Peter, if you just let me talk, I'll explain to you why you shouldn't do this.
Peter: Later, later Brian, I gotta do something people will remember me for. Which is why I've invented a new type of flying machine.
Stewie: You know, I vaguely recall seeing footage somewhere of something exactly like this, which leads me to believe this probably won't work.

Lois: For me? Please?
Peter: All right, all right, but you owe me. Later, under the mistletoe, open mouth, no matter how drunk I am.

Peter: You know what I haven't had in awhile? Big League Chew.

Peter: To the pope mobile! (Batman music)

Peter: So I found out I have a black ancestor.
Cleveland: Is that right? Well that's fantastic Peter.
Peter: Yeah but see the problem is that..I..I got no idea on how to be black. Except for not smiling when I get my picture taken.

Peter: Lois, brothers and sisters fighting is as natural as a white man's dialogue in a Spike Lee movie.

Peter: The lesson here is that abusing alcohol has absolutely no negative consequences. You have your trophy and my brain cells are just fine.

Peter (driving through town after the hurricane): Well, at least the open air debris field is still intact.

Peter (looking around at a posh rehab clinic): This is the kind of place God would go to if He had to stop doing blow.

Lois: Hey I know, lets play a game. Now I'm thinking of a movie.
Meg: Is it an action movie?
Chris: Who's in the movie?
Peter: Wait, is it a good movie?
Lois: Eh, it has its moments.
Peter: Cool Runnings
Lois: Yep!

Peter: If you want an autograph right now, you either got to give me a pen or some snow.

Peter: I am Neptune, God of the Sea. I sink ships and conjure up storms.
King Neptune: No you're not, I am!

Peter: You don't have to quit the force. I mean, you could get a desk job. Eh? You could be a desk.

Lois: Brian, you're not wearing the sweater I made you.
Peter: Well, y'know, it's a little warm in here ...
Lois: "Don we now our gay apparel."
Peter: It doesn't get much gayer than this.

Peter: I saw you in that coffee shop, breaking the fifth commandment. Congress passes these things for a reason, Lois.

Chris: What's a library, dad?
Peter: Oh, it's just a place where homeless people come to shave and go BM.

Peter: I feel kinda guilty, giving Chris his first taste of beer...but you turned out okay, right pal?
Chris: I'm gonna go get wasted.

Peter: I think the lesson here is, it really doesn't matter where you're from, as long as we're all the same religion.

Peter: Lois, my penis belongs on stage!

Quagmire: Peter, I can remember a dozen times when you've saved our asses
(Peter walks through a door holding a sword,like in Pulp Fiction, to his friends tied up and gagged)
Peter Griffin: Yeah, too bad I got there after the sodomy.

Lois: Now kids, your father's just trying to spend time with his family. Or kill us. I'm not sure which.

Peter: Our sex is so dull for you that you gotta fantasize about George Clooney?
Lois: I'm sorry honey, I guess that things have become a little...stale for me.
Peter: Well, I-I don't know what to do. I mean, I don't really know that much about any kinky stuff. I mean, I-I could hook this car battery up to my nipples. (Hooks car battery to both his nipples.)
Peter: Ahh, Ahh, Ahh, Oh God, Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow there's 240-Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow!

Peter: (Sees a city worker putting up a "Special Dad" sign in their front yard that has a picture of a dad chasing a ball across the street.) Why are they trying to publicly humiliate-- ooh, shiny red ball. (Peter chases after the ball into the street causing cars to crash into each other.)

Peter: Your aunt Marguerite is probably laughing at me while she's burning in hell, may she rest in peace.

Peter: Wow, when you're beautiful doors magically open for you!
Beautiful People's Club Man: Actually, it opened because you stepped on that black square.
...of course if that's wasn't there, it would have opened anyway because you're beautiful.

Peter (to Lois): That's because Christians don't believe in gravity.

Lois: I'm sorry for everything that's happened Peter. I guess I'm going through a phase right now where I'm only attracted to handsome men.
Peter: Well what are we supposed to do Lois? Just admitt that there's no excitement left in our marriage, go home and spend the rest of our lives looking at each other across the breakfast table talking about how much we both like Total?
Lois: Ooh, I love Total!
Peter: Ooh, actually so do I, and it's healthy for us too. OH GOD ITS STARTIN' ALREADY!

Peter: (singing to children at Sunday school): Jesus loves me... He loves me a bunch... he always puts Skippy in my lunch

Lois: Peter, you're bribing your daughter with a car?
Peter: Ah, c'mon, Lois, isn't "bribe" just another word for "love?"

Peter: I feel terrible Brian, I put Lois in a hospital and I lost the kids. This is turning out worse than Stewie's IPOD commercial.

Peter: Did you hear that, Lois? We're goin' to Hollywood, where the people are sexy and clever and they always say somethin' funny right before the commercial break.

Peter (giving Chris some advice on gifts for women): Listen Chris, I read a book saying that women are from Venus, all right so here's what you get her. Thick layers of sulphuric acid, viscous surface rock, and coronets which seem to be collapsed domes of a large magma chamber. Here's five dollars.

Lois: To hell with the cameras! How could we ever let them replace our little girl? Oh, I miss her, Peter.
Peter: Me, too. She's like that dorky Baldwin brother who isn't as good-looking or successful and never answers my letters, but he's still a Baldwin, damn it!

Peter: I'm just a big fake, like the moon landing and Marky Mark's hog in Boogie Nights and Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. I don't mean that completely unproved gay rumor, they're just both really phony.

Peter: Stand aside. Its time for me to fufill my fatherly duty. HAHA i said duty but no time to laugh about it now.
here's another same episode
Lois: Peter say hello to your daughter.
Peter: Oh my God! I'm sorry Lois. It was twenty years ago. I never heard the word rubber uh--
Lois: No, Peter this is Meg.
Peter: OH! Welcome to the family sweetheart, Chris throw out all of Megs old pictures.

Car salesman: I'm Doug. Nice to meet you. Whoa, have you lost weight??
Peter: No, it's still there, I'm just parting it on the side.

Peter: You know for a large heavy-set black guy, Cleveland's got a cute little white ass.

Peter: Oh man, Lois is really pissed at me
Brian: Yeah, who knew welfare fraud was one of her buttons?

Peter: My name is Peter friends call me Peter for short.

Peter (to Death): Do you have a file on me?
Death: Yeah, it's somewhere in the car.
Peter: Well then you know that I ran a semester of track! (Peter starts running.)

Weinstein:What do you want?
Peter: Financial advice.
Weinstein: Fiancial Advice? How the hell do you know I'm an accountant?
Peter: Hello! Max Weinstein?!

Peter: Huh, whoever thought that getting drunk at a stag party would get me $150,000 dollars a week from the government?
Brian: That's why I don't vote.
Peter: Heh, maybe someone down there was drinking too eh?
(Flashes to a press conference with Clinton)
Reporter: Uh, Mr. President, why do you think that the American public continues to support you throughout these impeachment precedings?
(Moves to Clinton holding a Martini)
Clinton: Uh, Probably cuz your so fat! (laughing) Uh huh huh huh huh huh.

Mr. Stevenson: The bank said you wouldn't have the money, because your a dead beat loser.
Peter: A dead beat loser? Well sir, I may not agree with what you say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it.

Peter: There's gotta be an explanation for all this.
Brian: You want an explanation? God is pissed!

Peter: Lois, this is my new friend Max Weinstein! He's Jewish!
Lois: Ooooooooh, how exotic!

Peter: Just a small town girl...livin' in a lonely world. She took a midnight train goin' anywhere.
Come on Cleveland!
Cleveland: No, no i couldn't. Well ok. Just a city boy... born and raise in south Detroit...
Man: Hey it's Journey!
People at funeral: Hey it's Journey! Let's go!
(Lady crying at the droped coffin looks up): Hey it's Journey (leaves)

Peter: This is great. Not only did I live long enough to see Meg go to her first dance but I'm taking her too. Thanks, Geritol.

Peter: How many monkeys does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three--one to screw it in and two to throw feces at each other.

Peter: Tonight Katie Couric guest stars as a very perky crack whore.

Peter to Connie: Sweet statutory, you look beautiful.

Lois: Oh, "The Old Man and the Sea". I see you're getting in the mood for our cruise.
Peter: Yeah. Stupid fisherman, sitting out there on a boat yammering to himself. He doesn't even know I'm watching him.

Peter: Everyone knows there are only two things that can survive a nuclear holocaust: cockroaches and Twinkies. And there's a Twinkie factory in Natick!

Peter: You ever watch that show Scrubs? Lois had it on the other night, and I was kinda fading in and out, you know. I was watching and wondering..... which one is the funny guy?

Peter: Dad, to be honest, I don't like you either. Aw, jeez, that's a terrible thing to say. I guess I am going to hell, huh.
The Pope: Peter, the good lord said to honor thy father. He never said anything about liking him.

Peter: No bird frenches my wife and gets away with it.

Peter: If Liza is wrong, then I don't want to know what right is.

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