Family Guy Fun


Mom, where's Dad?
Over across the street.
He's collecting Cleveland's mail while he's out of town.
Black guy mail.
Peter, you're just supposed to pick up Cleveland's mail,
not go through it.
Lois, black people are different than you and I.
And me, I find that hilarious.
Boy, Cleveland gets a lot of magazines.
Grape Soda Today.
Orange Soda Quarterly.
The Fruit Punch Reader.
Hey, what you got there, Stewie?
Ooh, Mustache Aficionado.
Wow, look at these men.
What class, what grace.
And all because of a little upper lip hair.
I am going grow a mustache.
Then I'll have it made like the Monopoly guy.
Except when he goes directly to jail.
I wish I could tell you that the Monopoly guy
fought the good fight and the Sisters let him be.
I wish I could tell you that.
But prison is no fairy-tale world.
Hey, Rupert, what if the refrigerator
was a monster that talked like this?
I am a monster.
I am going to bite your fingers.
Here I come.
I'm going to get you.
Ah! I don't want to play anymore
Normal voice, normal voice!
The refrigerator can't hurt me.
Oh, my God, Dad, what's on your face?
It's a mustache, Meg.
Oh, I think it's sexy.
I think it's gay.
It's not gay, Brian.
If I'm gay, then Freddie Mercury was gay.
Freddie Mercury the lead singer of Queen?
He was incredibly gay.
He was not!
He had a mustache which is praal like wedding ring
I imagine you're going to be much more of a stern father,
now that you have a mustache.
Well, Chris, there may bemore lap sitting than there'sn.
And I might answer most of your questions with a story.
But, mostly,my mustache tells people
that there is a 90% chance that I am poorly educated,
that I keep upscale pornziou the open
and that I listen tothe Little River Band with giant headphones.
Ugh! That's the ugliest thing the Fatman's grown since that horse leg.
Hey, Peter, have you seen my...
Aw, Brian, I'm sorry, but what do I keep saying?
Do not stand behind me, because I will get scared.
And now back to One Tree Hill.
Dude, let me tell you something:
There is nothing that'll ever happen in the rest of our lives
that's as important as what's going on right here, right now,
in high school, by these lockers.
I've got so many problems.
Hey, nothing that can't be fixed by staringa.
High school is sucha serious thing These problems matter.
God, these high school students are lame.
I'm a freakin' baby, andI'm cooler than they are.
What the hell do youknow about high school?
Are you kidding?
These kids today areso easy to manipulate.
If you plopped me inthe middle of a high school,
cobe the mpukid there in a week.
Would you care to placea wager on that?
Absolutely.What are the stakes?
Okay, if I winand you cado yoveput your nose
eg's hat andeanht second inhale.
Okay, it's a bet
- Kiss on it? - What?
Wow, Dad, you're up early.
it's a achekind of morning, C.
I watched the sunrisein my jeans,
jean shirt and jean jacket.
Gosh, mustache cultureis pretty cool.
I'm gonna make you somehash browns for breakfast,
and then, later, I'm gonna takeyou down to the whoreh
to lose your virginity.
Would you liha
Would I?!
Wow, that's a waybetter present
than that buff hamsteryou got me last Christmas.
Dad, all it's done i n hat whee
for the pahree weeks.
Yeah, looks like it'sin pretty good shape.
Can I pick it up?
I wouldn
Boy, you know, I've alwayswanted to come in here,
and now that I got a mustache,the timing feels right.
Wow, alls flopr g
Can we get somesalami, and...
Brian, Brian,let me handle this.
Uh, scuzzi.
Bah buh-da boopy?
Peter, wardoing?
Speaking Italian.
Ba-ba-da boopy?
Peter, you can'tspeaalia
just because youhave a mustache.
Bo buh-da boppa!bo bba ba be B!
All righog, here we go.
Prepare to lose a bet,
'cause I'm about to becomethe most popular boy in school.
Uh, ex me,don me,are you coolldren?
Yeah. Who aru?
My names Zac Sawyer.
I tfe hfr
, Expensive-Car-Drivinvin' HSchool
Whoa. That sounds awesom
No, it's lame.Everything's lame
Wow, if hesone moool thing, hin
I weong ve shider short sl shi
under se ts
, odyou'icked cool!, you're so cool!
ve cmate
my teenage cynicism!
m a bi hit wthe thil
and his, clea
res wom
I'ma da
t'e tark maybeuseu
I otry iss 'emif the r, woo
What-what, wha-why whhat
elp out mom and dadby getti job
So yon heay fchoolpplieso!
Say wooo
Wipures oe when you come in touse
Someoust nedthat floor, woo-hoo
Say what-what Ha-ha.
Peter, don't younk you'rend of letting that mustache consumur personality?
Shut up, Brian.
I am part of a veryspl community now.
People wmustacheslook out for each other.
Oh, hey!
Hey, Jeffrey, Peter Griffinhas a mustache!
- No way! - Way.
- Oh! - I know!
Oh my God, Peter, look! McBurgertown is on fire!
It's out of control!
We need someone to manthe other hose!
Hey, that guy hasa mustache! Grab him!
We need your help!Take this hose!
Oh, my God!There's somebody trapped inside!
Wait, if I go in there,I could get hurt.
No! No, with great mustachecomes great responsibility.
My mustache!
God bless you, sir,you saved my life.
But at what cost?
At what cost?!
Peter, have youseen Brian?
No, Lois, I have not.
Well, I haven't seen him since this morning and I..
What isthat on your head?
It's a mustache, Lois.
What, you never seena mustache before?
Lois, would you mind callingthe police or something?
Quiet, mustache!
Oh, my God!
Peter, I know you're upsetabout losing that thing,
get a grip on yourself.
Let Brian down.
No. I'm not living my life without a mustache.
Even if, sometimes,my mustache has Alpo gas
Mustache fart.
Hello, I'm lookingfor Peter Griffin.
I'm Peter Griffin.
Mr. Griffin, my nameis Todd Meyers.
I'm the man you rescuedfrom McBurgertown.
Oh yeah, you're the guywho cost me my mustache.
What, you come over here to rape my daughter?
No, I own the restaurant, and to show my gratitude,
I'd like to offer you a lifetimesupply of McBurgertown burgers.
Free burgers?
Oh, man, this isa way better offer than the one I gotfrom Helen Hunt.
You wanna have sex?
No, no, no,
Peter, you shouldreally slow down.
You've already hadlike 30 hamburgers.
Shut up, Brian.
It relieves the painof mustachelessness.
And it's working.
I no longer feel the pain.
Come to think of it,I can't really feel anything
on the left half of my body.
That doesn'tsound good.
Peter, are youwinking at me?
Oh, my God, someonecall an ambulance!
Doctor, what happened?
Is he gonna be okay?
Mrs. Griffin, your husbandhas had a stroke.
The left half of his bodyis completely paralyzed.
Oh, my God!
Peter, sweetheart,how do you feel?
Uh... had better days, Lois.
Had better days.
Mom, it's beenthree months.
When is Dad gonnaget better?
Chris, I've alreadyexplained this to you.
Your father had a stroke and it may take him along time to recover.
Bring me anotherbeer, please!
Uh, Lois, you mind telling me
what the hellyou think you're doing?
I'm handing you a beer.
You are handing itto my stroke arm.
This is my good arm! Bring the beer over here!
That's better.
So, I'm shaving last nightat this make-out party.
I took a bunch of pictures.
You can see them onmy MySpace page,
along with my favorite songsand movies and things
that other people have created,
but that I use toexpress my individualism.
I have a MySpacepage too.
Yeah, I havemine ironically.
Hey, why don't youguys get lost.
I have to talk to Connie.
- Hey, guess what? - What?
That's what.
No, but seriously,
there's something I wantto talk to you about.
Sure, Zac.Anything for you.
You wanna go out toAnal Point this weekend,
see what all thebuzz is about?
That'd be so awesome! Sweet.
We're gonna havea real ragin' time.
Before you know it, we'll belike an old married couple.
- Uh, Lois? - Yeah?
Uh, Peter's getting in the car.
...baffled, trumped,tethered, cropped
Look at that low plane,fine then, uh-oh, overflow
Population, common food,but it'll do
Shave yourself,serve yourself
World serves its own needs,listen to your heartbeat
Dummy with the rapture and therevered and the right, right
Your vitriolic, patriotic,slam, fight, bright light
Feeling pretty psyched
It's the end of the worldas we know it...
Stroke, stroke,stroke!
Stop mocking me!
Well, Brian, you'velost your bet.
I- or rather, myalter ego, Zac Sawyer-
am currently the most popular boy at James Woods High.
Well, Stewie, you got the best of meon this one.
I guess you'll behanging up your wig now?
Oh, no, Brian.
I'm enjoyingmyself to much
Do you know thatI've got a date
with Connie D'Amico this Saturday night,at Anal Point?
Ah, I've heardabout that place.
Really?What's it like?
'Cause I haveno idea.
Well, uh, I supposeif you imagine it like a parking spacethat you think,
"Gosh, there's no way I'm gonna be ableto fit in there."
But then you fold inthe sideview mirrors and
sure enough,well, look at that.
Well, in that scenario, it sounds like I'd rather be
the parking spacethan the car.
Yeah, that's whatI've always guessed.
I hate being all strokey.
This is all your fault,McBurgertown.
You and your delicioushamburgers!
I swearI'll get back at you someday
for what you did to meand what you did to Wimpy.
I would gladlypay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.
If only there were some way I could belike everybody else again.
How long was I in there?
About five minutes.
Why are we notfunding this?
Sweetheart, that's incredible.
And it only took five minutes?
Five minutes.I went in there they injected me
with a little bitof that fetal crap,and bam
good ol'gambling man Peter.
And now I can take my revengeon McBurger Town.
Wait. What?
It's their fault I had a stroke, Brian.
And I'm gonna sue 'em for it.
Peter, you ate 30 hamburgers.
It was your own fault.
Yeah, besides, Peter,
those companies have huge legal divisions.
You can't fight that.
I'll find a way with the help
of my snarky cat lawyer
Meowsy McDermott.
You've got to be kitten me!
This court finds in favor of the defendant,
McBurgertown Industries.
What?! Hey, come on! That's not fair!
Mr. Griffin, what did you expect?
They have a hundred lawyers,
and you tried to bribe me
with a subscription to Grape Soda Today
which I already have.
Case dismissed.
What did I tell you, Peter?
One man can't take on a
multinational fast food conglomerate.
Oh, yes, I can. This ain't over, Brian.
Those people are bad and
I'm gonna prove it to the world.
How do you expect to do that?
Are you kidding?
I've tackled tougher jobs before.
Remember that time I was Robin
Williams' jumping-off point?
- Okay... religion. - Oh, religion.
You kill me, I kill you, we both go to heaven.
72 virgins, huh!
You might have to help me out
with the last ten or so
because Mr. Happy gets tired- religion.
Well, we're gonna come down there and take all your oil.
But this is our oil.
Yee-haw! Well, here's my missile.
Okay, take it, take it. Politics.
Uh, you know what?
I'm gonna take a five-minute break.
Huh, five-minute break.
What are you, a construction worker?
Hey, baby, I'm not gay.
Does this yellow hat make my ass look fat?
Five-minute break.
You enjoyed the movie, baby?
Yeah, but I think I'm gonna
enjoy this even more.
Ugh! No, thanks. I am stuffed.
So, we just gonna sit here and talk
or are we gonna do it?
All right, baby, those are the magic words.
Now check this out!
Oh, my God!
Yeah, I am ready for sex.
I drank eight gallons of water today.
This baby's ready to explode.
is there more underneath of is that it?
I'm sorry?
Zac, just get the hel lout of my car.
That's it? That was sex?
What a rip-off.
I should sue her.
Be careful you're not held in contempt of cat.
Pardon me.
We're two Asian businessmen
looking to invest
in McBurgertown Industries
and we'd like a tour of your facility.
You don't look Asian.
Well, I guess we'll just take
our millions of Dongs elsewhere.
Wait, wait!
Let me get our general manager.
Peter, what the hell do you expect to accomplish here?
Evidence, Brian.
I'm gonna find just the right piece
of incriminating evidence to bring down this company.
Over here is a menu from our first
McBurgertown restaurant in 1952.
At that time, our value meal
consisted of a hamburger,
a cup of coffee and a Lucky Strike.
Wow. How much did all that cost?
Back in the '50s, one straw penny.
- A whole strawpenny? - Indeed. Follow me.
Hey, what's in there?
Oh, I'm sorry. That's off limit.
Now if you'll excuse me for a second,
I have to go to the bathroom
for about 30 minutes
as I eat a lot of meat.
Please give me your word that
you won't go in that door.
Good. See you in a half hour.
Peter, this is your chance!
Brian, I gave him my word.
The hell with that.
Let's see what's behind this door.
My God, what is this?!
This must be the McBurgertown slaughterhouse.
Sir, you are correct.
But in here, we call it "DaCow."
- DaCow? - DaCow.
Except we spell the "chau" part C-O-W,
Like "cow," so it's kind of a... eh, sort of a dark joke.
Yeah, yeah, it's a Holocaust joke.
That's, that's really funny.
Unfortunately, life in a
slaughterhouse is no laughing matter.
They have killed a great many of us,
including my beloved wife.
Peter, this is it.
This is the evidence you've been looking for.
If we can get you out of here, would you be willing to testify
publicly about these atrocities?
Oh, absolutely.
But how do you intend to escape?
You leave that to us. Come on.
There they are! After them!
Another Pleasant Valley Sunday
Charcoal burning everywhere
Another Pleasant ValleySunday
Here in status symbol land...
Hey, hey, what's up, Lucas?
What the hell's your problem?
Hey, Logan, what's going on?
What the hell is going on here?
Nothing, baby penis.
Well, yes, I have a baby-
Well, for your information,
I don't want a big penis.
I think they're messy.
Well, you've effectively ended
my reign of coolness, haven't you?
You're a disgrace, you know that?
Hey, you're the one with the tiny penis.
You know, Connie, look, you're right.
I behaved like a fool. And I apologize.
But, before I go,
could I maybe have one last kiss?
Well, I guess so.
Look, this girl is making out with a baby!
A nude baby!
That's right. To hell with you all!
I am who I am.
Here comes the story of The Hurricane
The man the authorities came to blame
For something that he never done...
Quiet, everybody, this is it.
The McBurgertown franchise suffered
a publicity setback today from which it may not recover,
thanks to testimony regarding
its practices by a very brave cow.
I have revealed to you, today, these horrors
in the hope that you will see the need for change.
But always remember what I have done here today
is not a courageous act.
The courage lies with a man who has the guts
to say no to a fast food restaurant
and eat a salad instead.
To say, "I will eat this salad with pride.
I don't care if I look like a gay person."
So to all of you salad-eating homosexuals,
I say thank you.
And thank you, Peter, for all you've done
to help expose this grave injustice.
Where will you go now, Mr. Cow?
I cannot stay here?
Peter said I could stay here.
Oh... gosh...yeah, I don't,
I don't really see how that's gonna work out.
Oh. Well, as I said, Peter just promised...
Yeah, I should stop you there.
I didn't really promise anything.
I just said "Maybe, if it was okay with Lois."
Boy, it just it seems like a real burden to me.
Well, this is pretty awkward.
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