Family Guy Fun

Breaking Out is Hard To Do

(Lois and the kids are in a grocery store)
Lois Okay, now don't wander too far, kids, you know more children get kidnapped in the grocery store than anywhere else.
(Cut to a mother comparing products; a kidnapper is sneaking up on her kid, trying to get him)
Mother Hey!
Kidnapper Aaah! You got me!
Mother Oh-ho, not quick enough.
Kidnapper Not quick enough, no.
Kidnapper I was close though.
Mother You were close.
(In the aisle)
Lois I'm gonna go get some oranges, Stewie. Here, hold the rest of these bags for Mommy.
Stewie Oh, what brilliant parenting, Lois, leave a tiny infant with a plastic bag. You know, I might just asphyxiate myself just to teach you a lesson.
(Stewie procedes to try and put the plastic bags over him several times but fails)
Stewie Here I go! Just like that boy from INXS! I'm going to do it! I'm going to do it! (He cannot fit the bag over his head) BLAST! Good Lord, Lois, either I was a C-section or you're Wonder Woman.
Lois Chris, would you run and get some milk And make sure to take it from the back.
(A hand in black and white reaches out to Chris and pulls him through the freezer. Chris is now in the video for Take On Me, by a-ha. Per the video, Chris is soon chased by motorcycle guys. Chris struggles to get out but finally escapes and comes out in the egg section)
Lois Chris, where have you been
(Cash register)
Employee $53.99.
Lois Oh no, I forgot to go to the bank. Well, I'm a little short, I guess I'll have to put the ham back.
(Lois proceedes to put the ham back, then takes a look around to see if anyone is looking, and sneaks the ham in her purse)
Kidnapper You know, I got some candy in my car if your kid wants some.
Mother Oh, great! Hey, wait a second!
Kidnapper Aaah, you got me, you got me. I'll get him though, I'll get him.
Mother Oh, I bet you will, I bet you will.
(Griffin house)
Brian Hey, is that a ham I thought you put that back.
Lois Oh, um... no, I put the other ham back...
Brian I don't remember another ham.
Lois Well, you were too busy eye-ballin' that Redbook with Glenn Close on the cover
Brian Hey! She is a handsome woman.
Stewie Well, well, look who's carrying a little crush for Glenn Close. What a suprise. Although its not the first time you've surprised me.
(Cut to Chris's room, Brian is dressed up like Lois)
Brian Oh, I have so much stuff to do today, I have to do laundry, then I have a piano lesson, then I have to make dinner, I am so busy, better hurry!
Stewie LOIS! I want my graham crack-- oh...
Brian Hey...
Stewie Hey... um... playin' a little dress-up
Brian Yeaaah...
Stewie Yeah, good, it's... fun to pretend. So, um, listen, if you see Lois, tell her--
Brian Graham cracker.
Stewie Graham cracker, yes, yes, that's it. All right, so, uh, I'm just gonna go out in the hallway and throw up about something else.
(Stewie slowly backs away)
Lois Oh, this is cute.
(Lois sees the price is $96.00)
Lois Oh, my God!
(She quickly puts it back, then quickly checks to see if anyone is watching, she then hides the shirt in her purse)
(Lois giggles madly as she proceedes to take nearly everything in the store)
(Lois breathes heavily, as she takes a huge puff of a cigarette)
Lois Ho-oh, my God, that was such a rush!
(She burns her arm with the lit cigarette)
Lois Yeah! I'm alive!
(Griffin house)
Bonnie Thanks for having us over.
Joe Yeah, it's a wonderful dinner, and on this beautiful new china! You guys have a lot of new stuff.
Peter Yeah, Lois has been splurgin' her ass off.
Brian Yeah... she has...
Peter You know, she bought me something yesterday, but I'm not gonna tell you what it is, I want you to guess. Just close your eyes.
Peter Its a soccer horn!
Bonnie Hey, is that an original Matisse
Brian Hey, uh, Bonnie, why don't you stop with the questions, you're ruining everyone's good time. Like Peter did when he used to entertain terminally ill kids.
Peter Hi there, how y'all doin' All right, so I'm at the DMV the other day, LONG lines, long lines at the DMV, but uh, you'll find all about that when you get olde-- oh... umm, movin' on! So I finally tried Viagra and..
Sick kid Oooohhhh...
Peter Oh! We got a joker in the audience. You, uh, got something to say there, Mr. Heckler
Sick kid Dying hurts.
Peter Tell me about it. So anyway, who hates flying
(Car Zone)
(Brian sees Lois stealing a muffler)
Brian Ahem.
Lois Oh! Brian! What are you doing here
Brian I should ask you the same question. Lois, you're in an auto parts store stealing mufflers. This is worse then that Winona Ryder thing.
Lois Whaa, are you saying I'm a klepto
Brian Uh, actually I was talking about The Age of Innocence.
(The Age of Innocence)
Newland It is settled, May. Our parents have consented and you and I shall be married on the first warm sunny day of Spring.
May (stiffly and in an obnoxious voice) That would be most good, Newland, most good.
Newland (sighs) I'm sorry, but she is just awful, is there any way we could have like a topless scene or something
Camera Guy Uh... yeah.
Newland Really
Camera Guy Yeah.
Newland Oh, great, all right, we got a movie.
Lois Oh, God, you're right, Brian, I'm outta control, but, I dunno what to do, I'm just hooked on the rush of shoplifting. I haven't felt a thrill like this in a long time.
Brian Well, I think you've had enough thrills. Why don't you just put everything back, huh
Lois Uh, okay, Brian. You know, you really are a good friend. Here, let me rub your belly.
Brian Ooooooohhhhh.
(Lois sees Brian is distracted and attempts to steal another muffler)
Brian Oooooohhhh, put it back, ooooohhhh.
(On TV)
Tom Tucker Welcome back to Channel Five News at 10. For those of you wondering what I was writing down as we go to a commercial...its a cat...just a cat.
Diane In other news, police are still looking for the culprit who stole a valuable Matisse painting from the Quahog Museum of Art.
Joe A Matisse painting...
Tom Tucker Also, scientists announced today that if your hand is bigger than your face, you have cancer.
(Diane holds up her hand to her face, Tom Tucker slams her face into her head)
Tom Tucker Ha ha! Got you! Ohh, that's not even really news.
Stewie Making plane noises in a wagon Uh-oh, Rupert, we're out of gas, we'd better ask directions at that creepy and possibly haunted house! Aahhh! A ghost. Oh, oh, its okay, we got away just in time, we got away just in time.
Brian All right now, is that everything you stole
Lois Yeah, that's everything.
Brian You know, you really should talk to a therapist about this, I mean it really helped Peter out when he became obsessed with that fantasy world of his.
(Cut scene to Peter reading a book by candle in the attic, then riding G'mork from The Neverending Story)
Peter Yeeeeahhh!
G'mork You're a little too heavy, buddy.
Peter Yeeeeahhh!
G'mork We're goin' down.
Peter Yeeeeahhh!
(G'mork slams into the ground)
Peter Yeaahh...
(back to the car)
Brian You know, Lois, we're just lucky we got this under control before the police caught on to you.
Joe Hold it right there, Lois, you're under arrest.
Brian Oh, crap. Ok, take it easy Joe, Lois will go peacefully.
Lois Oh, my God, I am so embarrassed. Let me just grab my purse.
(Lois acts as if she's getting her purse, but then jumps into the car and drives away)
Lois Ha ha, sucker!
(Joe grabs a gardening hose and lassos it onto the car's bumper. The car pulls his wheelchair along with it. The wheelchair soons falls to pieces, leaving Joe dragging behind the car. He climbs up the hose and crawls under the car to the front window, then pushes Lois out of the car. Lois falls to the ground and Joe starts punching her.)
Joe Sorry, Lois, regulations. I can't give you any special treatment.
Lois Its okay, Joe, I understand.
Joe SHUT UP MAGGOT! (continues punching)
Lois Your honor, I am so sorry for stealin' all that stuff, I just couldn't control myself.
Judge Well, Mrs. Griffin, considering this is your first offense, I've decided to go lenient and-- where the hell is my gavel!
Lois Uh, huh huh... uh...
Judge Give me that! I sentence you to 2 years in a state prison.
Peter Oh, that is bogus!
Judge Order in the court! Anouther outburst like that, Mr. Griffin, and I'll extend the sentence!
(Peter sneezes)
Judge Ok, three years!
Peter That was a sneeze!
Judge Four years!
Peter I'm sorry!
Judge Five years!
Peter You douchebag.
Judge All right, three years it is.
Lois Three years in prison... oh, my God, what have I done
Chris Oh, man, I haven't been this upset since I watched The Blob on television.
(Cut scene to Chris watching The Blob)
Chris Look out behind you, lady, it's the Blob! I'll save you!
(Chris dives into the TV and falls to the floor)
(In prison)
Guard Here you go, meet your new friends.
(The cell has three tough-looking women playing cards at a table)
Lois Umh. Hi, I'm Lois.
Fisty I'm Fisty, (points to woman) that's Stabby, (points to third woman) and that's Balls. Pull up a chair, we're playin' cards.
Lois Oh, okay. So, are those Biblical names
Fisty Yeah, Fisty is.
(Griffin house, completely trashed, everything is a mess)
Peter Boy, I sure miss Lois. I wish she was here to clean up all this stuff. (he looks at his shoulder) Hey, what's this
Brian Mustard.
Peter Oh, that's right. We had hot dogs last week. Are you going to eat that
Brian The mustard on your shoulder No.
Peter Oh, oh, kids, look. A deer.
(A deer is in the room)
Chris Can we pet him
Peter No, no. Just watch.
(Peter knocks over a can with his foot and the deer is alerted and runs away)
All Awww..
(Stewie crawls toward the couch with his very full diaper dragging behind him)
Stewie Peter... Peter... there's, there's so much doodie in here... I can't take it anymore. I haven't eaten in four days, 'cause I, 'cause I just can't fit anymore in there. Help me!
(In prison)
Peter Okay, when we get to your mother's cage, say hello, but don't drag your ass because I wanna go to the reptile house. Oh, oh, and we gotta see those pandas.
Brian Peter, this isn't a zoo. It's a prison.
Peter Quagmire, what are you doin' here
Quagmire Oh, its conjugal visit day! You know I love doin' a woman in the can! Oh! Giggedy giggedy giggedy goo!
(Close-up on a man)
Guy Who else but Quagmire
Voice He's Quagmire, Quagmire, you never really know what he's gonna do next, he's Quagmire, Quagmire!
(Quagmire bursts through a background, a la Porky Pig)
Quagmire Giggedy giggedy giggedy giggedy, let's have sex!
(Cut scene to a fancy dinner party)
Host I do hope nothing happens to spoil this fancy dinner party.
(Quagmire strips down to his underwear, gets up on the table, and dances)
Quagmire Giggedy giggedy giggedy giggedy giggedy giggedy giggedy giggedy goo!
Guy Who else but Quagmire
Voice He's Quagmire, Quagmire.
Quagmire Gig-ge-dy, gig-ge-dy, goo!
Lois Oh, it is so good to see all of you. How is everything at home
Peter Oh, it's horrible, Lois. I've had to do all the things that you usually do, like the other day I had to go to your book club meeting.
(Book club meeting)
Member #1 Well, I really admire the mother character's admission of personal torment after her daughter's death.
Member #2 I disagree, I felt a total lack of ethical integrity in her readiness to abandon her children and start a life of her own.
Peter Uh, here's another thing. The book can also be... (places book on head) a hat.
(Cut back to prison cafeteria)
Peter And the other night I had to do uh... that thing you usually do for me every Thursday night.
(Cut to Lois' bedroom)
(Peter grunts as he rams his head into the wall and falls down the stairs)
Brian Ugh, I can't believe you're serving a three year sentence. It seems so harsh.
Lois Well, the only upside is that its given me time to think about why I ended up in here. I guess I was stealin' because I was so sick of the same old routine, I felt like I had a void in my life, like, like, there was a secret hole in me--
Quagmire Oh, God!
Lois --and I was tryin to fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects, and things--
Quagmire Oh, GOD!
Lois --and I felt wonderful with all those things fillin' that hole.
Quagmire OH, GOD!
Lois I did this to myself, so I'm just gonna have to lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.
Quagmire That one is also sexual.
Brian Well, I guess with good behavior, you could be out in two years.
Lois I made my own bed with this one, guys. I'm just gonna have to pay my debt to society.
Peter Not necessarily, I think I got an idea of how to smuggle you out.
(Prison exit, Lois is half-stuffed in Peter's mouth)
Guard Buh-bye, take care now, have a nice day.
(Peter mumbles something)
(Alarms go off, the Griffins rush next to a laundry van)
Chris What do you we do
Lois Hurry, we'll hide in that van
(Inside the van, Brian is struggling to stand up)
Lois Oh, my God, you know what this means. You're all accessories to my escape.
Brian She's right, we're fugitives from the law.
Peter What the hell is wrong with you
Brian I'm a dog, all right I have a very tough time standing up in the car.
Peter Well then, we're fugitives, but at least the family's back together
Meg I wonder where we're going--
(Peter slaps Meg)
Peter Calm down!! Now I'll tell you what we're gonna do wherever this van stops, we'll begin our new life together. We'll blend into that fabric of that community.
(The van stops and the Griffins step out)
Lois Peter, we're in Asian Town.
Chris Well, at least I dont have to worry about the Evil Monkey here.
(An Asian version of the evil monkey in Chris' closet points to Chris)
Chris Aaaah!
Lois Well, if we're going to hide out here in Asian Town, we have to find a place to live.
Peter Yes, and we should do nothing to draw attention to ourselves as outsiders... (points at a man) Oh, my God, it's Jackie Chan! (points at another man) Oh, my God, it's Jackie Chan! (points at Jackie Chan) Oh, my God, it's Jackie Chan!
Jackie Chan Hi there, always nice to meet a fan of my movies. (points at Peter) Oh, my God, you're Ethan Hawke!
Peter Uh, no, I'm not.
Jackie Chan Sorry, my mistake. (points at Chris) Oh, my God, it's Ethan Hawke!
Meg Mom, can we go get some food
Jackie Chan (pointing to Meg) Oh, my God, it's Malcolm in Middle!
Meg I'm not a boy!
Jackie Chan (annoyed) Yes, you are.
(Chinese hotel)
Meg I cant believe we have to live here.
Chris Oh, this sucks.
Stewie Oh, tell me about it, I haven't seen one female baby since we got here. This place is a sausage fest.
Peter Come on, kids, we've been through worse. Meg, you remember when we found out your gynecologist never finished med school
(Cut to clinic)
Gynecologist All righty, Meg, let]s take a look at that bergina.
Lois But, Peter, how are we gonna support ourselves here
Peter Well, we'll all have to get jobs, but I'm sure we'll each find something we can do.
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