Don't Make Me Over

Theme Song
Meg's Friend: There's Craig Hoffman! He's such a rebel.
Meg: Oh my God, he so gorgeous! And he plays by no one's rules but his own.
Meg's Other Friend: Meg, you should ask him out. I mean, you're the only one of us who's ever had a real boyfriend.
Cut Scene Meg approaches a deacying body accross the railroad tracks.
Meg: I'm back. (flies buzzing) I brought another picnic. You're such a good listener. You're not like the other boys. A wolf approaches and chews off the boy's arm. You're so good with animals. End Cut Scene.
Meg: I guess I could give it a try. All right. Here goes. She leaves the table and approaces Craig. Hi, Craig. Um, I was wondering if maybe you'd want to... I don't know, go out some time?
Craig: Ha. That's about as likely as me playing by someone else's rules besides my own. Which I would never do. I play by my own rules. Nobody else's. Not even my own.
Meg: How 'bout a movie?
Craig: I don't go out with dudes.
At home.
Meg: Mom, Dad, am I ugly?
Lois: Oh, of course not, sweetie.
Peter: Yeah, where'd you get a stupid idea like that?
Meg: Craig Hoffman.
Peter: Craig... Craig Hoffman said that? Well, he's a sharp kid. You might be ugly.
Meg goes into the kitchen sobbing.
Stewie: Oh, there, there, let me dry those tears. Mmm... yes, yes. Your anguish sustains me.
Lois: Meg, honey, don't let those awful kids at school make you feel bad about yourself. I tell you what. Tomorrow you and I are going to go out and get you some brand new outfits. Maybe a pair of those low-rider jeans that'll show off your cute butt, huh?
Meg: Really? Wow, thanks, Mom.
Stewie: Mmm... Meg in low riders. Pictures Meg thusly. Ugh, enough of that. The image returns. Go away, damn you. The image of Meg in lowriders returns again. Oh, you're going to get it now. Stewie takes a rolling pin and assaults the thought bubble.
Peter: Oh, my God! Horace, what is this all about?
Horace: What the hell's it look like? I'm puttin' the bar up for sale.
Peter: Oh, please tell me this is some kind of practical joke. Like, like the kind I used to play when I was an intern at the hospital.
Cut Scene. Peter approaches a man in the waiting room.
Peter: I'm afraid I have some very bad news. Your wife's gonna be a vegetable. You'll have to bathe her, feed her and care for her the rest of her life.
Man: Oh, my God!
Peter: (laughing): Nah, nah, nah, I'm just kidding. She's dead. End cut scene.
Horace: Ever since that Mega-Mall opened across the street, it's been taking away all my business. They got 300 stores, 200 restaurants, 53 bars and an indoor cattle ranch.
Cow: I go to Baskin-Robbins every night and buy myself a little treat.
Horace: Now, how the hell am I supposed to compete with that?
Cleveland: You need to fix the place up. Reinvent the Clam's image. And we'll help ya.
Horace: That'll take forever.
Peter: Not if we do a 1980s fixin'-stuff-up montage.
electro-pop music plays ? Open your eyes ? ? A helpful surprise ? ? A dream in disguise ? ? You know we can have it ? ? A place we can be ? (beeping) ? It's so good to see... ?
Quagmire: Wow, I think we made it worse.
Peter: Boy, I do not envy whoever has to clean that mess up.
Lois: Brian, why don't you take Stewie while Meg and I go clothes shopping?
Stewie: You know, it's awfully dangerous for me to be walking around the mall at my height. I say, let me get on your back.
Brian: Oh, for God's sake.
Stewie: Strong with the force, young Skywalker is.
Brian: God, I don't believe this.
Stewie: That is why you fail.
Lois: Oh, what about this, Meg? A pink baby-tee that says "Little Slut." That seems pretty hip.
Meg: I don't know if that's really me, Mom.
Lois: Well, they've got one that says "Porn Star" and another that says "Sperm Dumpster." And they're all written in glitter.
Meg: All right, all right. Give me "Sperm Dumpster."
Lois: That's the spirit!
Sales clerk:
You finding everything okay?
Lois: Yes, thank you.
Sales clerk: Well, you just let me know if you need any...
Meg: How do these jeans look?
Sales clerk: AAAAAAAAAAAGGGH!!! The sales clerk douses herself in gasoline, ignites herself on fire and jumps out the window.
Stewie: Ten bucks.
Brian: Five bucks.
Stewie: Eight bucks and I'll do it.
Brian: Fine.
Stewie: Running naked through the mall. Help, I've escaped from Kevin Spacey's basement! Help me! Returning to Brian. Ha! I am so outrageous. Give me the cash.
Brian: Cold in here?
Stewie: Nope, just really small.
Meg: Face it, Mom. No matter what I wear I look ugly.
Lois: Oh, Meg, you're being... that's... eh... Let's try down here.
Tom Tucker: Coming up next: Joan Rivers speaks to us from beyond the grave. But first let's go to the Quahog Mega-Mall where Asian correspondent Tricia Takanawa is handing out makeovovs.
Tricia Takanawa: That's right, Tom. Some lucky hideous woman will be transformed by our makeover magicians into someone of value to society.
Lois: Meg, that's it! You could get a makeover! Oh, that'd be just the thing to boost your confidence. Miss Takanawa! Miss Takanawa! Over here! Oh, my daughter needs a makeover like there's no freakin' tomorrow! The cameraman screams, douses himself in gasoline, lights himself on fire and jumps out the nearest window. Tricia holds the camera herself.
Tricia: It looks like we've got a winner, Tom.
Horace: Face it, The Clam is doomed.
Peter: Aw, come on, guys. We can't give up now.
Joe: Aw, Peter, we've tried every theme we could think of, and everything's failed. Especially that, that Coyote Ugly theme... Cut Scene. Joe, Peter, Cleveland, and Quagmire are dancing on top of the bar to an Irish jig. Joe hits himself in the face with his leg End Cut Scene.
Horace: Ah, it's no use. This place is finished. Quagmire, go get the "For Sale" sign.
Quagmire: Hey, Horace, what the hell's this?
Horace: Eh, it's a karaoke machine. I never got around to installing it.
Peter: A karaoke machine? Wait a minute, that's it. We'll turn this place into a karaoke bar! Oh, man, that's the best idea since they faked the moon landing.
Cut Scene. Neil Armstrong is standing in a television studio.
Director: Okay, cut. Neil Armstrong exits the studio.
Passerby: Wow, Neil Armstrong. Hey, wait a minute, you're supposed to be on the moon. I just saw it on TV.
Neil Armstrong: Oh, there's, uh... uh... uh... a tape delay. And, uh... uh, solar winds... Neil smashes the passerby in the head with his helmet and shoves him in his trunk. End cut scene.
Lois: Peter... take a look at your daughter.
Peter: Oh, my God, Lois, I'm sorry. I-It was 20 years ago, I'd never even heard the word "rubber."
Lois: Peter, this is Meg.
Peter: Oh.
Meg: I got a makeover, Dad! Don't I look great?!
Peter: Oh, Meg, honey, I always thought you were beautiful just the way you... laughing Oh, God, couldn't do that with a straight face! laughing Welcome to the family, sweetheart. Chris, go burn all Meg's old pictures.
Back at the Drunken Clam.
Mort Goldman: ? There's got to be a morning after ? ? We're moving closer to the shore ? ? I know we'll be there by tomorrow ? ? And we'll escape the darkness ? ? We won't be searching anymore. ? ? There's got to be a morning... ? Thank you very much.
Cleveland: I don't understand it. This place should be jumping.
Peter: Well, we just need to kick it up a notch. Horace, hit it. Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" plays ? Just a small-town girl ? ? Living in a lonely world ? ? She took the midnight train going anywhere ? Grabs Cleveland by the arm.
Cleveland: Oh, Peter, don't make me do th... ? Just a city boy ? ? Born and raised in South Detroit ? ? He took the midnight train going anywhere ?
Mayor West: Oh, God. I love this song. And I love it when amateurs sing the lyrics. But I hate baseball cards.
Joe: ? Some will win ? ? Some will lose ? ? Some were born to sing the blues ?
Quagmire: ? Oh, the movie never ends ? ? It goes on and on and on and on and on... ? ? Giggety-giggety-giggety-goo!
Hey, that's Journey! (cries): Howard! (crying): Oh...! That is Journey.
? Streetlight people... ? (music ends) (grunts, yells)
Joe: Guys, we were freakin' electric!
Quagmire: Yeah, they loved us!
Peter: Gentlemen, this is a sign! We are gonna start our own rock band! Huh? Who's with me?!
Cleveland: I'm in!
Joe: I'm in!
Quagmire: I'm in!
Bill Cosby: Looks like the guys are gonna form a rock band. Maybe they'll learn a little something. Stick around, you just might learn something, too. Hey, hey, hey!

Brian: You know, Peter, just because you guys entertained a bunch of drunken idiots at a karaoke bar doesn't mean you have what it takes to form a band.
Peter: Oh, Brian, you're just ants at a picnic. We're gonna be awesome.
Brian: Wait, wait, what, what am I? I'm ants at a picnic? Is that what you just said? I just, I, I'm ants at a picnic? All right. Just making sure.
Quagmire: Yeah, hey, sorry I'm late, fellas.
Cleveland: Aw, cool, Glenn. You look just like Tommy Lee.
Quagmire: Well, I figure it would be appropriate since I just found out I got hepatitis.
Joe: You know, maybe we should have decided on outfits that matched. Now we all look like a bunch of queers.
Peter: Fellas, it doesn't matter what you wear, as long as you play kick-ass rock 'n' roll and do this with your tongue. Am I right, Gene?
Gene Simmons: You got that right, Pete.
Lois: laughing Oh, my. Hi, Gene, I didn't know you were here. All right, all right. Keep it in your mouth, rock star.
Student: whistles Wow! Great job getting hot, Meg!
Meg: Gee, thanks!
Craig Hoffman: Hey, Meg.
Meg: Oh, hi, Craig.
Craig: Now that you're attractive, how about we go out some time?
Meg: Gosh, I'd love to.
Craig: Great. I'll pick you up whenever I feel like it.
Connie DiMico: Hey, Meg. We noticed Craig Hoffman just asked you out. That makes you cool. Wanna hang out with us?
Meg: Wow. Sure.
Craig: Hey. I'm here to pick you up.
Peter: Here we are, fellas, our first major gig.
Cleveland: Peter, this is a house of corrections. Yeah, you gotta start somewhere, fellas.
Peter: That's how you evolve, like when the Tin Man found out he was gay.
Cut Scene. "If I Only Had a Heart" plays. The Tin Man is leaning to the left and right, as Dorothy and Scarecrow prepare to catch him. Tin Man Falls on Scarecrow.
Tin Man: Oh. Oh. Look what happened by accident. End Cut Scene.
Inmate 1: I hear there's a lot of buzz about this band.
Inmate 2: Yeah, there was a pretty positive review carved in Tony's ass.
Lois: All right, kids, now, everyone stay together.
It's very important to your father that we're here for his band's first performance.
Warden: The people who beat you are proud to present, all the way from Quahog... Fat, Horny, Black and Joe!
Peter: Hello, Cleveland!
Cleveland: Hello, Peter.
Quagmire: One, two, three, four!
Peter: Oh, my God, we don't know any songs.
Inmates: You suck! Get off the stage!
Peter: What do we do?
Quagmire: I know what I'm doing-- I'm getting outta here! Giggidy, giggidy, giggidy, gone!
Peter: Uh... hey, uh, how about a funny story about Lake Wobegon? It was the day of the tuna hot-dish jamboree... Peter is struck by a chair.
Lois: Oh, no, kids, your father's in trouble. I'm going up there.
Chris: I'm coming, too, Mom. Oh, my God. The guy behind me braided my hair.
Lois: Chris, grab a guitar, Brian, take the drums. Here, Stewie, play with this. Hands Stewie a tambourine.
Meg: Mom, can we please just get out of here?
Inmate: Oh, my God!
Other Inmate: Who is she? God, I could strangle her all night long. Boy, that's not healthy, is it, that that's the first place I go to?
Lois: Hit it!
Meg: with soft accompaniment ? Cloudy skies and rain clouds ? ? Have come to stay ? ? Windy nights and sad sights won't go away ?
Family: ? Sha-la-la-la-la ?
Meg: ? But I want to be without a care ? ? Unicorns and butterflies everywhere ?
Family: driving rhythm kicks in ? Gonna, gonna, gonna, gonna, gonna, gonna ? ? Buy me a rainbow ? ? Gonna, gonna, gonna, gonna, gonna, gonna ? ? Wrap it up in a great big bow ?
Meg: ? The time is right, it's day not night ? ? Just open up your heart ? ? It'll be all right ?
Family: ? Gonna, gonna, gonna, gonna, gonna, gonna ? ? Buy me a rainbow! ?
Meg: ? Buy me a rainbow! ?
Family: ? Rainbow! ? The inmates cheer.
Jimmy Iovine: You guys were great! My name's Jimmy Iovine, and I'd like to make you filthy rich rock stars.
Brian: Wow, you're the chairman of Interscope Records. What are you doing in prison?
Jimmy: Eh, I stomped a cat to death. Listen, you guys got talent.
Peter: Well, where do we sign?
Jimmy: Right here on Tony's butt cheek. Tony screams. And initial here. Tony screams again. And here. Tony screams again. And date. Tony screams again.
Peter: Oh, crap. Today's the 17th. Tony screams and collapses.
Cut to recording studio.
? Gonna, gonna, gonna, gonna, gonna, gonna ? ? Buy me a rainbow! ? ? Buy me a rainbow! ? ? Rainbow! ?
Peter: How was that, Dr. Diddy?
Puff Daddy: Yo, that sounded smooth, y'all. I just have a couple...
Brian: (barking) Oh, oh, oh, God. Oh, God. I am so sorry. I keep doing that. Oh, God, please, please forgive me. I get that from my father. He's from a different generation. It's, uh...
Puff Daddy: Whatever, man.
Brian: We, we cool? We good?
Puff Daddy: Yeah, we're cool. Fine.
Brian: (growling)
Chris: Um, Mr. Doctor, if you get shot in a rap feud, can you perform surgery on yourself?
Puff Daddy: Well, no, Chris, my degree is in optometry.
Peter: All right, Dr. Diddy, I got three choices for you for the name of the band. Peter Griffin Starship, Peter Griffin and the Sunday Steppers, or Testicular Sound Express.
Puff Daddy: I think the name is "Meg."
Meg: Me? Why?
Peter: Yeah, why?
Puff Daddy: Let me explain something to you, a'ight? We gotta get her half-naked and put her out front, center stage, and that's gonna make y'all billionaires, because America loves hot, white jailbait ass.
Peter: Wait a minute. That's the smartest thing I've ever heard anyone say about anything.
Lois: I'm not sure I'm comfortable with Meg being exploited that way.
Meg: Shut up, Mom, it's not your decision! I want to be exploited.
Lois: Meg, don't you talk to me like that.
Peter: Look, Lois, I love Mealticket just as much as I love Chris and Stevie, but business is business. So let's get this show on the road, eh?
Puff Daddy: Good. Now, I just need you to sign these...
Brian: (barking) Oh, God. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Oh, my God. That-that is not me. That's not who I am. I vote Democrat. Uh, it will not happen again. W-We cool? We good?
Puff Daddy exits leaving just the Griffin Family.
Brian: You, uh, y-you guys know I have no problem with black people, right?
Peter, Lois, Chris, Meg & Stewie: Oh, yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah, sure.
'Stewie: Well, you did say you hated Crooklyn.
? Gonna, gonna, gonna, gonna, gonna, gonna ? ? Buy me a rainbow! ? ? Gonna, gonna, gonna, gonna, gonna, gonna ? ? Wrap me up in a great big bow ? ? The time is right its day not night, just open up your heart ? ? It'll be all right ?
Montage of Meg's albums while music is playing. Her albums include, "It's a Family Thang", "Statutory" and "Meg on your Face". Then the scene fades into the family on a tour bus
Brian: Hey, Doc. You, uh, got a minute?
Puff Daddy: What you want, dawg?
Brian: Uh, yeah, so, uh, hey, check it out. Uh, Stewie and I have, been, uh, working on some, uh, stuff of our own, and, uh, we thought there might be a place for us...
Puff Daddy begins to dial on his phone
Brian: ...to sing on the next album. Hey, uh, cool. You're busy. No sweat. Boy, Benson was a funny show. I'll talk to you later.
Stewie: Well, what did he say?
Brian: He said he'd think about it. Okay, so, uh, where were we?
Stewie: Oh, okay.
Stewie: ? I want to have intercourse with you, uh ooo yeah ? ? Intercourse with you ?
Brian: ? Relations ?
Stewie: ? Intercourse with you-oo-oo. ?
Stewie: Right?
Brian: Yeah, no, great. That sounds good.
Stewie: All right, all right. Yeah, groovy, groovy. Now, uh, is there a shorter word for intercourse?
Meg: Lois, go grab me another bag of Skittles.
Lois: Excuse me, young lady?
Meg: Did I freakin' stutter? I said-- more Skittles!
Lois: All right, that is it, Meg. You know, ever since you got that makeover, you've developed a terrible attitude, and all this success with the family band is only making it worse.
Meg: The "family band"? You know, maybe you haven't noticed, Lois, but I am the band. Right, Miss Swan?
Miss Swan: Oh, yeah, she band. Old lady jealous.
Lois: (sighs) Peter, we have to do something. We're losing our daughter. I'm worried about what's happening to her.
Peter: Lois, Lois, this is the kind of thing that always resolves itself if you just ignore it. All right? W-what's more important is, we're living the sweet life, huh? This is even more fun than when I performed at the White House.
Cut to the Oval Office.
Man: Mr. President, I present to you, Peter Griffin.
Peter: A-booga-booga-booga! booga-begga-begga...! Blah-blah-blah-blah.
President: (laughing)
Peter: (raspberries)
President: (laughing)
President begins to wave hands around in excitment and inturn knocks a snowglobe off the desk causing it to break.
President: (sobbing)
Cut back to tour bus.
Puff Daddy: Okay, listen up, everybody, I got great news. Meg, you and your family are gonna perform on Saturday Night Live.
Peter: You mean I'm going to get to meet John Belushi and Gilda Radner and Phil Hartman and Chris Farley and Horatio Sanz? Sweet!
Cut to Saturday Night Live Studio
Chris: Wow, Saturday Night Live. I can't think of anything more exciting!
Chris begins to eye a water fountain
Chris: Ooh. Oh, my God! A water fountain!
Chris starts playing with the fountain and laughing
Jimmy Fallon: Hey, Meg... (snickers) I'm Jimmy Fallon. It's, uh, it's great to finally meet you. I'm hosting. Hey, uh... why don't you come hang out in my dressing room?
Meg: What are you looking at?
Jimmy Fallon: Oh, uh, nothing. Uh, come on, let's go.
Lois: Peter, I'm worried about Meg. She's spiraling out of control. I mean, what if she develops a coke problem?
Peter: No Coke. Pepsi. (laughing)
Lois: (groans)
Peter: Oh, come on. You set me up for that one.
Cut to Jimmy Fallons dressing room.
Meg: Wow, Jimmy, that was everything Ladies Home Journal said it would be.
Jimmy Fallon: Awesome. Great. Thanks. Um, you know, there's there's something I... (laughs) There's something I've gotta tell you. Being with you just made me feel so a... live from New York, it's Saturday Night!
Meg: (gasps)
Cut to Peter & Lois watching Saturday Night Live in their dressing room.
Announcer: It's Saturday Night Live.
Lois: Oh, my God!
Peter: Yeah, that wasn't a very good opening sketch, was it? A rare miss.
Lois: I don't think that was a sketch, Peter.
Meg: (sobbing) Mom! Dad! He used me for comedy!
Peter: Wait a minute. Are you telling me that my daughter was deflowered in front of one-and-a-half times the Mad TV audience?
Lois: Oh, my poor baby.
Peter: My God, Lois, you were right. Why the hell didn't I see it coming? All right, stand aside. It's about time I did my fatherly duty. Ha-ha! I said "doodie." But no time to laugh about it now.
Cut to Saturday Night Live opening stage.
Jimmy Fallon: Hey, everybody. It's, uh, great to be back. So, we got a great show tonight and, uh...
Peter: Hey, Fallon. Say good night, ya bum!
Peter starts to beat-up Jimmy Fallon.
Peter: And this is for laughing and looking at the camera during every sketch you've ever been in! Who do you think you are? Carol Burnett? You think because she did it, it's okay for you?! You haven't earned what she's earned, buddy!
Peter stop beating up Jimmy Fallon and starts to look around.
Peter: All right, now where's the guy who slept with my daughter?
Back to the Griffin household, Meg is back to her usual self in her usual attire
Meg: I'm so glad to be the real me again. It's too much work being beautiful.
Lois: (chuckles) Not for me, but it's good to have you back, Pumpkin.
Peter: Well, I guess there's only one thing left to do.
Camera pans out to reveal Saturday Night Live stage with people who where in the episode as well as those who did not appear all, all of them standing on the Saturday Night Live Stage.
Peter: Uh, listen, thanks, everybody. I had a great time tonight. Uh, I wanna thank Jimmy Fallon for being such a good sport. Uh, Lois, Meg, Stewie, Brian, Chris. Uh, the guys from the prison, uh, Counting Crows... Uh, uh, if I'm forgetting anybody, I'm sorry. Good night, everybody! Our thoughts are with you, Chevy!
Credits begin to role in Saturday Night Live style, but quickly cuts to the Apollo theatre
Announcer: From the world-famous Apollo Theatre in Harlem. It's Showtime at the Apol...
Cut to Brian on the couch turning off the TV
Brian: What? I'm tired. It has nothing to do with the fact that it's a black show. What, I can't be tired at 1:00 in the morning?
Brian starts barking and runs towards the screen, continuing to bark.