When You Wish Upon a Weinstein

Theme Song
Chris: Dad, can you help me with my math? Mr. Shackleford says if I don't learn it, I won't function in the real world.
<cut to Chris talking to a hick at a rundown gas station>
Man: What you gotta do is go down the road past the old Johnson place. You're gonna find two roads, one parallel and one perpendicular. Keep going until you come to a highway that bisects it at a 45 degree angle. Solve for x.
Chris: [lies on ground and sucks thumb]
Peter: Math. Math, my dear boy, is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.
[Knocking]
Jim Kaplan: Hello, sir.
Peter: Enough with the foreplay, sailor. What are you selling?
Jim Kaplan: Well, I was gonna try to sell you some "handsome cream" but I can see you already bought out the store!
Peter: Go on.
Jim Kaplan: Perhaps you'd be interested in something every homeowner cannot be without. Volcano insurance!
Peter: Go on.
Jim Kaplan: According to my uncle-who's a real whiz with volcanoes-a volcano is coming this way!
Peter: [Thinking] I, too, have an uncle.
Peter: Come in.
Peter: How much is this volcano insurance?
Jim Kaplan: Uh, I don't know. Let's say, $200.
Peter: $200? That's more than I spent on all that handsome cream.
Peter: I don't have that kind of money!
Jim Kaplan: What about that jar of money?
Peter: No way! That's Lois' rainy day fund.
Jim Kaplan: Ah, come on, it never rains in Rhode Island.
Peter: Yeah, but I'm pretty sure we've never had a volcano either.
Jim Kaplan: Well, don't you think we're overdue for one?
Peter: Touché, salesman.
<cut to Meg looking down on Stewie in his crib>
Stewie: [snoring, then gasping awake]
Stewie: Ah! What the hell are you doing?
Meg: Watching you sleep, cutie pie.
Stewie: Why you sick, sick little moo cow. Well, you shall watch no more! [smashes Meg's glasses]
Lois: Stewie!
Meg: My glasses! I can't see a thing without my glasses! Why won't you let me get laser surgery?
Lois: Because I don't think it's safe.
<cut to Millennium Falcon; Luke Skywalker is using his light saber for eye surgery>
Luke Skywalker: Okay, I just need to make a quick incision here and we should be all done, Mrs. Wilson.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Luke, use the Force.
Luke Skywalker: Really? 'Cause I was just gonna make...
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Use-use the Force.
Luke Skywalker: Okay!
[picks up light saber with the Force, then stabs woman through the head]
Woman: [Screaming]
Luke Skywalker: Are you happy?
Obi-Wan Kenobi: I've never been happy.
Lois: Don't worry, honey. We'll get you a new pair tomorrow.
Stewie: In the meantime, here's a little vision test. What is this? A poopie or a Toblerone?
<tv>
Announcer: We now return to "Girlfriends" on Lifetime.
Woman 1: Barry was over last night.
Woman 2: Don't tell me.
BOTH: He left the toilet seat up!
[Audience laughing]
Woman 1: Oh, I ran into Frank. It's funny. He fought in Vietnam, he's an exorcist, but there is one thing that terrifies him.
BOTH: Commitment!
[Audience laughing]
Woman 1: Oh, Midge, you're my third best friend in the whole world.
Woman 2: Third? Who are the first two?
Woman 1: Ben and Jerry.
[Audience laughing]
Announcer:Lifetime, television for idiots.
Lois: Peter, did you take the money from the family jar?
Peter: Who, me? Yes, me. Couldn't be. Then who? Yeah, I did it. I bought us volcano insurance.
Lois: Volcano insurance? That's ridiculous.
Peter: That's the same thing you said when you talked me out of cloud insurance.
Peter: Look at them up there just plottin', pickin' their moment.
<in the sky>
Cloud 1: So, Bill.
Cloud 1: We attack tomorrow.
Cloud 2: Yes, tomorrow.
Cloud 1: I mean it this time.
Cloud 2: I do, too!
Lois: That was our emergency money and your daughter needs a new pair of glasses.
Peter: Lois, no one really needs glasses.
Lois: You wear glasses.
Peter: That's only to fool the man from the draft board.
Lois: I can't believe you squandered that money! I swear, sometimes I feel like I'm married to a child.
<Peter and Lois's wedding>
Peter: What can I say about my beautiful bride except milk, milk, lemonade. Around the corner, fudge is made!
Peter: You better watch who you call a child, Lois. Because if I'm a child, then you know what that makes you? A pedophile! And I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and be lectured by a pervert!
<Drunken Clam>
Peter: Can you believe it, Cleveland? Lois thinks I'm bad with money.
Cleveland: She's got a point, Peter. You're the white version of a black guy who's not good with his money.
Quagmire: Hey, guys and dolls! Drinks are on do-re-me! [slams wad of cash on bar]
Peter: Where'd you get that?
Quagmire: This loot's thanks to my stockbroker, lan Greenstein. He made some smart investments that really paid off. That guy is to money what Miss Ann-Margaret is to...[Makes squeaky bed noises; then chair collapses]
Cleveland: Let me buy the drinks, Quagmire. My accountant, Larry Rosenblat, just got me a huge tax refund and tickets to "Bring In 'Da Noise, Bring In 'Da Funk". The noise was good, but I thought they phoned in a lot of the funk.
Peter: Wait a second. Rosenblat? Greenstein? So I need a Jewish guy to handle my money?
Cleveland: Peter, not every Jewish person is good with money.
Peter: Well, yeah, I guess not the retarded ones. But why would you even say that? For shock value? Jeez, Cleveland, there's "edgy" and there's "offensive." Good day, sir!
<Lois is on the phone>
Lois: Mother, you know how I hate asking for money, but...Mother, Peter's an excellent provider...No, Mother, I do not think I'd be better off married to a chimp...I don't care how well that chimp across the street is doing...Really?...Well, yeah, okay. I guess you can tell him I said hi. But don't make me sound desperate!
Peter: I gotta get a Greenstein or a Rosenblat of my very own.
Peter: ♪Nothing else has worked so far♪ ♪So I'll wish upon a star♪ ♪Wondrous dancing speck of light♪ ♪I need a Jew♪ ♪Lois makes me take the rap♪ ♪because our checkbook looks like crap♪ ♪Since I can't give her a slap♪ ♪I need a Jew♪ ♪Where to find♪ ♪a Baum, or Stein, or Stein♪ ♪to teach me how to whine and do my taxes♪
[UFO whirring, become giant dreidel] [Adventurous instrumental music]
♪Though by many they're abhorred♪ ♪Hebrew people I've adored♪ ♪Even though they killed my Lord♪ ♪I need a Jew.♪
[Knocking]
Max Weinstein: Hi. My name's Max Weinstein. My car just broke down. May I use your phone?
Peter: ♪Now my troubles are all through♪ ♪I have a Jew.♪
Max Weinstein: Hey!
Peter: I prayed for you, Max Weinstein, and here you are.
Max Weinstein: Okay. Listen, uh, thanks for letting me use the phone.
Peter: Thanks for Spaceballs.
Max Weinstein: If there's anything I can do for you...
Peter: You can't leave!
[Dramatic instrumental music] <footchase>
Max Weinstein: What do you want?
Peter: Financial advice.
Max Weinstein: Financial advice? How the Hell did you know I'm an accountant?
Peter: Hello! 'Max Weinstein'?
Max Weinstein: Look, I'll do what I can, but I don't know why you think I can get your money back.
Peter: Max, Max, Max-let's not deny our heritages. You're Jewish, you're good with money. I'm Irish, I drink, and I ban homosexuals from marching in my parade. Now, help me get my money back.
Jim Kaplan: Oh, it's you. [Stammering] I'm not in right now. Please leave a message. Beep!
Peter: Man, I hate these things. Yeah, hi, this is Peter Griffin. I'm sorry I missed you-
Max Weinstein: Play with this. Sir, I have reviewed this contract, and it offers no coverage at all. It just says "volcano insurance" over and over again and down here in small print it says: "He's signing it. He's signing it. I can't believe it."
Jim Kaplan: So?
Max Weinstein: Refund his money and we'll go.
Jim Kaplan: I don't have your money!
Max Weinstein: How about that money?
Jim Kaplan: No way! That's Lois' rainy day fund!...Damn it!
[Laugh track on TV]
Jerry Seinfeld: You couldn't date her because she was a tickler.
George Costanza: A tickler.
Jerry Seinfeld: You're not a stickler for a tickler.
George Costanza: Not a stickler for a tickler.
Jerry Seinfeld: Not a tickler stickler.
George Costanza: Not a tickler stickler.
BOTH: [Absurd babbling]
Brian: Where the hell is the remote?
Peter: Hey, honey, guess what? I got back the money for Meg's glasses.
Lois: Really? Oh, honey! Hello.
Peter: This is my special friend, Max Weinstein. He's Jewish.
Lois: Oh my, how exotic.
Max Weinstein: Thank you?
Peter: See, here's your rainy day money and I balanced our checkbook, too.
Lois: You balanced our checkbook?
Peter: Yep. Isn't that right, Max?
Max Weinstein: Yeah, sure. He did it.
Lois: I'll going to go call my mother right now and tell her to tell that chimp across the street [shrieks like a chimpanzee].
Peter: Look how low I've sunk-taking credit for something a smart Jewish person did.
Max Weinstein: That's okay, Peter.
Peter: No. People have been doing that for too damn long.
<protest rally>
Civil Rights Speaker: It is the white devil that has propagated, exacerbated, instigated, instigated.... Line!
Woody Allen: "Instigated our hatred like a Buick." What was I thinking when I agreed to this? This is so degrading. This is worse than the time I was at the Friars' Club and Soon-Yi's retainer fell out of my pants.
Max Weinstein: Lois, I appreciate the marshmallow and fish casserole, but I'm sorry, I can't eat this.
Lois: Oh, because it's not kosher.
Max Weinstein: Yeah, let's go with that.
Chris: Can Stewie and me be excused? He's gonna help me with my math homework.
Lois: Chris, he's just a baby.
Stewie: Oh, and you're a regular Rhodes scholar. Where was it you graduated from again? The University of Duh?
Max Weinstein: I can help you with your homework, son.
Peter: My God! Is there nothing you people can't do? I mean, y'know, other than manual labor.
Lois: Peter, what a ridiculous thing to say! They built the pyramids. You'll have to excuse Peter. He can be a little tactless sometimes.
Brian: Yes, like the time he soiled himself at that dinner party?
<dinner party> Lois: I was so sorry to hear that your father passed away.
Woman: Yes. It spread through his body so fast. But he's at peace now and the whole...
Peter: Uh-oh!
Peter: Well, there's only one thing that'll top a great dinner like that. Operation!
Lois: May I play?
KIDS: Mom!
Max Weinstein: Thank you, but I can't stay. It's Friday, I've got to go to Temple.
Peter: Temple? Like Indiana Jones?
<forgotten temple scene from the beginning of 'Raiders of the Lost Ark'> [Suspenseful instrumental music]
<Indiana dawdles over picking up the idol>
Ralph Kramden: Will you just pick it up already!
<at Temple Beth Thupporting Actor>
Peter: They better not be expecting us to give money 'cause I already gave at church last Sunday, and I'm pretty sure it all goes to the same God.
Lois: Peter! Max, it was nice of you to invite us along.
Max Weinstein: Your husband's got a good heart, Lois, but his views on Judaism are a little misguided. I'd consider it a mitzvah to educate him a little.
Stewie: No. I don't think so. It's not that I have ideological differences, I'm just not a hat person.
Peter: Hey, look! I didn't know the principal of Meg's school was Jewish. Hey, there's Bill Nye, the Science Guy and half of Lenny Kravitz. Optimus Prime? He's Jewish?
[Mechanisms whirring]
Peter: Jeez, Max, I don't know about this. I went to Catholic school. I'm not sure this is allowed. Ah, what the hell?
<secret headquarters>
[Alarm beeping]
Nun 1: Oh, dear. Sister Mary Joseph, it appears Peter Griffin has entered a synagogue!
Nun 2: Lock and load, Brides of Christ!
[Adventurous instrumental music]
Penguin: Excellent, excellent!
Woman: Hello.
Lois: We're not Jewish. But I hear you people have such lovely services. Oh, my God! I didn't mean "you people." I didn't mean "Oh, MY God," either. I know he's your God, too. [Nervous laughter]
Woman: [Shushing]
Rabbi:: And on this day, the Sabbath we gather here to...
Peter: Uh-oh!
Lois: Well, that was so nice. A good sermon and such beautiful songs.
Peter: Yeah, it was just like that other Jewish musical we saw.
[Fiddle playing]
William Shatner: A fiddler on the roof sounds crazy, no? But here in our little village of Anatevka, you might say each one of us...
William Shatner: Kahn! Kahn!
Max Weinstein: Well, there's my cab. It was nice meeting all of you.
Peter: Thanks for everything, buddy.
Chris: Wait. I thought you were gonna help me with my homework.
Max Weinstein: I'm sorry, son. I have to go. But, I'm sure you'll do just fine.
Peter: I don't know, Max, the kid's not exactly an honor roll student. Watch. [hits Chris]
Chris: Hey!
Peter: He did it. [points to lamp]
[Chris assaults lamp]
Peter: See?
Max Weinstein: Peter, you took me in, fed me dinner, came to Temple with me. You're a nice family. I have faith that Chris will grow up to be a real mensch.
Chris: Dad!
Peter: Lois, I just figured out how to make sure Chris becomes a big success.
Lois: Tell me this doesn't have anything to do with Tony Robbins.
Peter: No, I learned my lesson.
<bookstore signing>
Peter: Could you sign this book, please?
Tony Robbins: Tony Robbins hungry! [Growling, swallows Peter]
Peter: No, Lois, I'm gonna make Chris Jewish!
Lois: What are you talking about?
Brian: He thinks if Chris is Jewish, he'll become smart.
Lois: Peter, you can't convert someone because you think it'll help their grades. Now I don't want to hear another word about this.
Peter: [signing] She won't have to hear another word, because luckily we've mastered American sign language.
Chris: [signing] Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Chris: Where are we going?
Peter: Son, it's too late for me, and Meg's a girl, but for you, the sky's the limit. We're gonna take you down to that synagogue and turn you Jewish!
Chris: Okay!
Peter: Chris, duck!
[Nuns chattering raucously]
Rabbi: [Sighing] Mr. Griffin, I still don't understand. Why exactly does your son want to join the Jewish faith?
Peter: Heck, I don't know. He's bi-curious.
Rabbi: I appreciate your interest, but Judaism takes a serious commitment. Elliott here has spent years preparing for his bar mitzvah this Saturday.
Peter: A bar mitzvah! Perfect. How much for one of those?
Rabbi: You can't just buy a bar mitzvah. It requires a lot of study.
Peter: Can't we skip that part? I mean, c'mon, if Chris knew how to study, he wouldn't need to become Jewish, right? Right? Right?
Chris: Don't worry, Dad. I don't need a bar mitzvah. I'm okay just the way I...[screaming, as head is caught in car window]
Peter: We got no time to lose. There's gotta be someplace in America where you can take a solemn spiritual ceremony that begins a lifetime commitment and blow through it in about 20 minutes.
<cut to Las Vegas>
[Peppy instrumental music]
Chris: All right, Dad!
<kitchen>
Meg: So, how do I look in my new glasses?
Stewie: How shall I put this? In an attic somewhere there's a portrait of you getting prettier.
Lois: Wow, someone needs a nap. After lunch it's straight to bed, Stewie.
Stewie: This isn't the first time my wit has gone unappreciated.
<Star Search>
Ed McMahon: And in the comedy competition, Stewie Griffin receives three and a half stars. Challenger Sinbad receives four stars! We have a new champion, Sinbad! Stewie, any parting words?
Stewie: Um, you know, I got beat, pure and simple. You-you are a very funny man! "Men be acting all like zombies at the mall." God, ain't that the truth?
Lois: Where's your father and Chris? It's not like them to be late for lunch.
Meg: I think they left a note.
[Dear Lois. Chris and I...(Erased) Went to the library to read lots of books ...(Erased) have gone clothes shopping with you ...(Erased) are invisible, but right here anyway... have gone fishing -peter]
Brian: [chuckles]
Lois: Brian, what do you know about this?
Brian: Nothing.
Lois: I know when you're lying to me, Brian.
Brian: No, I swear.
Lois: Meg, take Stewie upstairs.
Brian: What-What are you doing?
Lois: Oh, you don't know that, either? Last chance, Brian.
Brian: [yelps] They're in Vegas getting a quickie bar mitzvah!
Lois: What?
Quagmire: Well, hel-Lois! Forgive me for pointing.
Lois: Quick, I need to borrow your car! I've got a bar mitzvah to stop!
Quagmire: No problem. Let me grab my keys. [lengthy crotch-level grabbing] Here they are.
[Engine starting] [Dramatic instrumental music] [Mysterious Yiddish music playing] [Crowd cheering]
Peter: Chris, in a few minutes, you'll become a smart, successful Jewish man. I could make a foreskin joke right now, but this is a solemn occasion. And, besides, there'll be plenty of time for that on the ride back. I got so many of them, too! I know, I know, shh, shh. But later!
[Dramatic instrumental music] [Dramatic music slowing]
Chris: ברכו ×?ת ×”' ×”×zבורך (Hebrew: Cherish God the cherished)
Lois: Chris! [Banging] [yelling]
Lois: Stop this travesty right now!
Woman: Bar mitzvahs are travesties, huh?
Lois: No, my son getting bar mitzvahed is a travesty. He's doing it for all the wrong reasons.
Mordecai: Well, look-a-here, Herschel. We got us one of them self-hating Jews.
Herschel: Nothing I hate worse than a Jew who doesn't appreciate her own rich heritage. Come on, Mordecai. Let's get her!
[Angry crowd yelling] [People gasping] [Banging]
Peter: I'm sorry, Lois. I just wanted our son to be Jewish so he'd be smarter. Then maybe his wife wouldn't be sorry she didn't marry the chimp next door.
Lois: Oh, Peter, just because Steven makes more money than you doesn't mean he's any smarter. And I think Chris will do just fine.
Peter: How do you know that?
Lois: Because I have faith in him, the way I have faith in you. Besides, a person's religion is no guarantee of success.
Peter: I see what you're saying. The Jewish are just like us. No better, no worse.
Chris: Yeah, and as they say...[Speaking Hebrew]
Lois: What?
Peter: I think what he's trying to say is everything's gonna be okay.
[Dramatic instrumental music]
<pull back to reveal bus full of nuns>
Peter: [Peter screaming]
[closing theme]