Peter Griffin Husband Father Brother

Dennis Miller: I don't want to go on a rant here but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first Battle of Antietam. I mean, when a neo-conservative defenestrates it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate.
Peter: What the hell does "rant" mean?
Theme Song
Lois: Go, Dust Mites!
Peter: I wish they'd put Chris in already.
Lois: Peter, relax. It's his first game.
[Whistle]
Coach: Griffin, get in there!
Lois: They're sending him in. Yay, Chris!
Peter: Atta boy, Chris! Hey, that's my son out there. I taught him how to wipe.
Jake Tucker: Why won't you teach me how to wipe, Dad?
Tom Tucker: Because you don't have a bottom, son.
Boy: You and that towel are representin'.
Chris: Yo, that sweat's just frightened, G!
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the Buddy Cianci Junior High cheerleaders.
Cindi: Is everybody pumped up? Gimme a D-U-S-T!
Crowd: D-U-S-T
Cindi: M-I-T-E-S!
Stewie: M-I-T-E-S!
Cindi: What does that spell?
Stewie: Dust Mites!
Cindi: Who's gonna win this game?
Stewie: Dust Mites! My God, what-what just happened to me? It's those sirens. They have us all under their spell, like that hypnotist at the Airport Hilton.
Hypnotist: ...and three!
Brian: Oh, wow! Were we just hypnotized?
Stewie: Well, that's incredible. I don't remember a thing. Why do I taste crotch?
[back at game]
Stewie: I must unlock the secret to their mind-control powers.
Peter: Lois, can we go now? I'm starving.
Lois: The game's almost over, Peter. Try to think about something else.
[Crowd cheering]
[Sexy instrumental music]
Lois: Peter!
Peter: Oh, sorry. Nice job out there tonight, Chris. You wiped the floor with that towel.
Chris: Yo! Did y'all check me when that hottie was all up in my Kool-Aid? Yeah, I was lookin' to break off a little somethin'-somethin' but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling-bling.
Lois: What's wrong?
Peter: He's speaking in tongues, Lois! Our son is possessed! Meg, start at Psalm 41 and don't stop reading until I tell you! The power of Christ compels you!
Chris: [screams]
Peter: The power of Christ compels you!
Lois: Peter, stop! He's not possessed.
Meg: Yeah, he's just talking street. Lots of kids do it.
Peter: Oh. Well, that's kind of weird.
Lois: Peter, it's just a phase. You've gone through a few yourself.
Brian: Like those two weeks you spent narrating your own life.
Peter: I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. Of course, I'd never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking, but somehow I think she knew. Lois had always been full of energy and life but lately I had begun to grow more aware of her aging. The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with the long fatigue of a weary life. I awoke several hours later in a daze.
[Rap music playing]
Rapper: ? I was brought up on the streets, no moms and dads ? ? I had to fend for myself with my own two hands ? ? But today I'm hurtin' and I'll tell you why ? ? I got a hangnail ?
Backup rappers: Hangnail!
Rapper: ? Hanging from my cuticle ? ? A hangnail ?
Backup rappers: Hangnail!
Rapper: ? It ain't beautiful ? ? It hurts like a bitch that I did last night ?
Peter: Hey, Chris. Whatcha doin'?
Chris: Just laying back in the cot peepin' at this here homey. Yo, Pops! Let me have some cheddar. Some player-hater be throwin' salt in my game grillin' me over my gear. And I needs to be mackin' style!
Peter: Well, uh, the important thing is you tried, son.
Stewie: There they are. Very well. And now to infiltrate this coven and learn their mind-control secrets. Just need to get their attention.
Cindi: Okay. That was much better. But it still sucked worse than anything I've ever seen! What's wrong with you guys?
[Disco music]
Cheerleader 1: Look how cute he is!
Cheerleader 2: He must be a teacher's baby.
Cheerleader 1:: He wants to be a cheerleader, too.
Stewie: My, so it's that easy to win you over! Consider yourselves lucky I'm not after your gully holes.
Peter: Then Chris starts in with all this "yo, yo, yo" stuff and I don't know what he's talkin' about. So I started beating him with a hose, then my arm got tired, so I came here.
Brian: Peter, perhaps Chris has adopted another culture's mannerisms because he doesn't know enough about his own.
Peter: Aw, gee, I never thought of that. You know, I should teach Chris about his Irish roots. Besides, we haven't spent any time together since we played Operation.
Chris: I'm going for the "funny bone," Dad.
Peter: Oh, you touched the sides. Oh, jeez, He's waking up. Let's get him back to the bus station.
Chris: Dad, I don't want to be here. I want to be chillin' with my homeys.
Peter: Now, Chris, it's important you learn about your Irish heritage.
Animatronic Irish woman 1: [Mechanized nonsensical speech]
Animatronic Irish woman 2: [Mechanized nonsensical speech]
Animatronic Irish baby: [crying]
Speaker: Ancient archeological evidence indicates that Ireland was a much different place before the discovery of alcohol. Most experts believe it was something like this.
[flying cars whizzing]
Irishman 1: Gentlemen, today, we, Ireland's top scientists, have found a way to convert our entire population to pure energy!
Irishman 2: It's a glorious day.
Irishman 3: Hey! Michael McCloud's just invented a new kind of beverage in his basement.
Irishman 1: Hmmm, whiskey.
[Rowdy drunken yelling]
Chris: You were right, Dad. Being Irish rocks!
Peter: That's more like it, son. Now, today we're gonna learn about the Griffin family history.
Chris: What's a library, Dad?
Peter: Oh, it's just a place where homeless people come to shave and go BM. Let's go inside.
Chris: Look, Dad! I found this book on our genealogy!
Peter: Way to go, son! Hey, look. Here's a picture of your great-great-granddad, Osias Griffin. He owned one of the first dozen telephones.
Osias Griffin: Hello?
Caller: Hello, Jonathan?
Osias Griffin: No, what number are you calling?
Caller: Seven.
Osias Griffin: No. This is three.
Caller: Ooh, sorry.
Peter: And his great-grandpa was Thomas Griffin, a great philosopher.
Wife: Thomas, would you please go look for a job?
Thomas Griffin: Why?
Chris: Wow, that's cool! Go back even further, Dad.
Peter: Okay. Settle down, spaz. In 1840, Nathaniel "Nate" Griffin used to groom horses. What the hell? Holy crap! I'm black!
<back at Griffin house>
Peter: But I can't be black.
Lois: I gotta say, Peter, the man in this book does look an awful lot like you.
Brian: <reading aloud> "The diary of Nate Griffin." "May 7, 1836. I was brushing down Lucy, the new colt, when she let out a fart right near my face. So I took her head and stuck it by my butt and blew a huge fart right back at her."
Peter: [Laughs]
Brian: Ooh, that laugh's in here, too. See? [imitates Peter's laugh]
Peter: Wow. Then it's true.
Chris: Cool! I get to be black and Irish!
Meg: Yeah, and now I can wear clothes that actually show off my big butt!
Lois: Oh! I gotta tell Bonnie I'm sleeping with a black man!
Cheerleader: Oh, my God! Update! Exclam! Scott Martin just asked me out again!
Cheerleader 2: Oh, my God! This is date number three. Are you gonna let him get to second base?
Stewie: I think that would be a bad idea, and I know something about bad ideas.
<Stewie in bar with OJ Simpson>
Stewie: I'm telling you, Juice. She's screwing around behind your back. And, if I were in your Bruno Maglis, I wouldn't stand for it. Another mai tai? Thanks. So, listen...
Cheerleader 2: Here comes Scott!
Stewie: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
All: [giggling]
Stewie: I have yet to discover the secret of their mind-control powers. Also, trying to comprehend their obsession with the homosexuals from 'NSYNC.
Peter: Hey, Cleveland, you got a minute? I really need to talk to you.
Cleveland: Sure. I was just going for a ride. Hop on.
Peter: So, I found out I have a black ancestor.
Cleveland: Is that right? Well, that's fantastic, Peter.
Peter: Yeah, but see, the problem is I got no idea how to be black...except for not smiling when I get my picture taken.
Cleveland: Well, Peter. It sounds like you should go out and mingle amongst your newly-found brethren. You know, absorb the culture. Wheelie time!
[Exuberant yelling]
Peter: You know, you're right, Cleveland. I should be hanging around more black people like myself. Thanks.
Cleveland: Hey! Peter, what the...
Peter: It's the vibration.
Black Comedian: Who here used to wear a lot of Jheri Curl? Yeah, that's right. Y'all know that Exxon Valdez thing? That ain't how it happened. Some brother just fell in the ocean.
Peter: God! I remember that. And all those seals died. It was all over the news. The Channel 2 news with Dan Rather. Although, I think Connie Chung might have been substituting for him. Well, 'bout time for me to be hitting the ol' dusty trail. I like your hat. Can't get out that way. [Alarm rings] Found the emergency exit.
Professor: 1967 was the same year that Thurgood Marshall was named to the Supreme Court of the United States.
Peter: [Whooping] Well, I should probably be saddling up now. [Alarm rings] Oh, found the fire door.
Stewie: Look at how fat you are. You disgust me! Oink oink, fatty! Oh, yes, yes, you'll take butter on that English muffin, won't you? Because you're the cheerleading squad's token blimp. You don't deserve to eat. [Vomits]
Peter: Hey, thanks for bringing me here, Cleveland.
Man: Welcome. For our first order of business I believe brother Cleveland has an announcement.
Cleveland: Yesterday, I received reparations from the family that enslaved my ancestors.
Crowd: Amen! Right on!
Cleveland: Now, the family has become poor white trash since then. So they only gave what they could-this tray of scrumptious Rice Krispie Treats. I share them with all of you in the hopes that one day your wounds may be healed as well.
Crowd: Amen. Right on.
Man: Why is he taking one?
Cleveland: Oh, this is my friend, Peter Griffin. He recently discovered he was black.
Man 2: He doesn't look very black to me.
Peter: Gentlemen, please, please. Judge me not by the color of my skin. For I have always been there with you. I was there when George and Weezy moved on up to the East Side. Oh, hallelujah! Those were happy times! But, I was also there for the bad times. When Florida lost James to that tragic auto accident. And I was there when Tootie got those terribly painful braces! Oh, yes! And when Arnold Jackson got beat up by the Gooch, I was there. So before you decide that I don't belong here, remember this-I was there!
[Crowd cheering]
Cosby Kid: Way to go, Peter! You tell it like it is!
Carter: Now, Chris, this one's for you. What's the secret to happiness?
Chris: Money!
Carter: Very good. Babs, give him a caramel.
Peter: Hey hey hey. Hey, Lois, what are your parents doing here?
Lois: Oh, they surprised us with a visit after I told them about your recent discovery.
Barbara: Yes. Peter, we hear you're a Negro now.
Peter: Yep. I even got my own posse. Hey, Big Dog, T-Bone, Shades, you guys go make yourself some sandwiches. We'll hook up later.
Carter: My jacket's in the kitchen; please don't write on it. Well, I think Chris and Meg should know the Pewterschmidt side of their ancestry, too. Kids, did you know the Pewterschmidts were among the first to colonize America?
Peter: Now, kids, don't be taken in by The Man. Stay black and proud.
Carter: Here's your ancestor Silas Pewterschmidt bartering with some local Indians.
Chris: Cool.
Carter: And here's a picture of...oh, never mind that one.
Peter: Wait. What was that?
Carter: Oh, that was nothing. Just some fellow we fed and took care of in exchange for doing a few chores.
Peter: You mean a slave! Let me see that! Oh, my God! It's Nate Griffin!
Carter: Well, 'bout time for me to be hitting the ol' dusty trail.
Peter: Lois, your family owned my family!
Lois: Daddy, is that true?
Carter: Well, it appears so. Boy, this is pretty embarrassing!
Peter: Yes, it is! And don't call me boy!
Barbara: Peter, please calm down.
Carter: Babs, I think it's time we went to bed. Things will look better in the morning. Come here, kids. Give Grandma and Grandpa a kiss goodnight.
Peter: You can whip me all you like, white devil, but you'll never break my spirit!
[Suspenseful music]
Stewie: Damn! There must be some clue to the source of their mental-manipulation techniques. <reading aloud> "Your Body and You." "Every four weeks for three to four days it's entirely normal for every young woman to..." Oh, my God! That's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard in my life! Ugh!
Cindi: That totally sucked. You guys call yourselves cheerleaders? Well, I call you cheer-losers!
Stewie: This Cindi is definitely the alpha of the group.
Cindi: And what happened with the pyramid? I almost broke my neck!
Stewie: The pyramid! Of course! That must be the key to their power! Mission objective: Eliminate Cindi and take her place at the top of the pyramid. They're getting nude. No, I mustn't watch. It's not the proper thing to...I say! Nice ones, Jeanine. And look at Lisa in all of her curvaceous glory. Heavens, it appears my wee-wee has been stricken with rigor mortis.
Peter: Good morning.
Lois: Peter, what on earth are you wearing?
Peter: It's a dashiki. And don't call me Peter. That's my slave name. From now on, call me Kichwa Tembo.
Chris: Cool. And I'll be Mambutu O'Malley!
Carter: Peter...
Peter: Kichwa!
Carter: I'd like to have a word with you. Peter, I think...
Peter: Kichwa!
Carter: Kichwa, we're both sensible men. There must be something I can do to make things right with you.
Peter: Actually, there is. I want reparations just like Cleveland got.
Carter: What the hell are you talking about?
Peter: I want an apology and some Rice Krispie Treats.
Carter: Well, I absolutely will not give you an apology and I'm assuming "Rice Krispie Treats" is black slang for money. So, here's $10,000. I expect you never to mention this ugly business again.
Peter: $10,000?
Carter: Not enough? Fine. Make it $20,000. How do you spell Kichwa?
Peter: Yeah, you know what? Screw the Kichwa. Make it out to Peter. P-E-T-E...
Tom Tucker: This just in. Slave-owner descendent, Carter Pewterschmidt has paid $20,000-or 2,000,000 pennies-in reparations to a local black man. We now go live to the local black man.
Peter: Well, the money helps but I'll always feel my ancestors' pain. Hey, from down there does it look like I'm talking into a bunch of robot penises?
<back at Griffin house>
Peter: Hey, Lois, come in here and see what I did with the money your dad gave me.
Lois: Oh, my God! You turned the den into Pee-Wee's Playhouse?
Peter: ? C'mon get up! ? ? Knock off your nappin' ? ? It's a crazy messed up place where anything can happen ? ? There's a chair that freakin' talks, hey look! ? ? There's some fish that give advice, holy crap! ? ? It's screwy in Peter's Playhouse! ?
Lois: Peter...
Peter: Wait. Watch this, watch this. Hey, Jambi! Okay, say it.
Brian: Mekka-lekka-hi, mekka-hiney... God, I hate you so much.
Lois: Peter, that reparation money should be going to a worthy black charity.
Peter: Lois, the King of Cartoons will be here in five minutes and I will not have you embarrass me.
Lois: You're acting ridiculous!
Peter: Aah! You said the secret word!
[Sirens wailing]
Peter: Uh-oh.
Cop: Hey, you're that black guy I saw on the news conference, ain't you?
Peter: Uh, yeah, that's me.
Cop: This is Car 15; I'm gonna need backup. I got a stolen vehicle here.
Peter: But this is my car.
Cop: Suspect's getting belligerent.
Peter: What?
Police Officer: Officer down.
Man: So, it's agreed. We'll keep on pretending to like pig's feet simply to confound the white man.
Peter: Sorry I'm late, you guys. The white man was making me his bitch. What? Oh, oh, sorry, his "biatch."
Cleveland: Peter, we know about your selfish squandering of your reparation money. I shared mine. You, however, have given nothing back to the community.
Peter: That's not true. I've brought you the greatest gift of all. A child's laughter. [Laughing]
Cleveland: Peter, I think you should go.
Peter: Yeah, I'm going.
[Crowd cheering]
Peter: Hi, guys. Hey, how's it going? Jeez, Lois, no one wants to sit with me. It's like I'm a freakin' leper. Hey, can we sit there?
Leper: No, these are saved.
Cheerleader: Where is Cindi?
Cheerleader 2: I don't know, but she'd better show up soon. It's almost halftime.
Stewie: You know, Cindi, I'd feel worse about this if you didn't spell your name with that insufferable "i" at the end. And that cockadoodie smiley face you use to dot it! You sicken me! I'm not gonna hurt you. I'm not gonna hurt you.
Peter: [yells]
Nate Griffin: Hello, Peter.
Peter: Nate Griffin! Oh, my God! You're haunting me because I've been a terrible black man!
Nate Griffin: Peter, you gotta stop putting so much importance on race. I know I didn't.
Peter: You didn't?
Nate Griffin: No. If I had, would I have slept with your white great-great-great-great granny?
Peter: No, I guess not.
Nate Griffin: That's right, and I wouldn't have slept with her fine sister neither. You see, the most important thing is how a man acts. You know what I'm getting at?
Peter: You think I should do something good with that reparation money.
Nate Griffin: That'd be mighty fine, Peter.
Peter: I guess you're right. Listen, for what it's worth, I'm sorry my wife's ancestors made you suffer.
Nate Griffin: Oh, don't worry about me. If it makes you feel any better, I peed in their cereal every morning. Well, so long, Peter.
Peter: Wait! Before you go-what's Heaven like?
Nate Griffin: It's fine. There's a shortage of chairs.
Peter: Oh.
Nate Griffin: Yeah. Take it easy, Peter.
Cheerleader: Okay, well, we're just gonna have to go on without her.
Stewie: Give me a "D!"
All: "D!"
Stewie: All right, that's enough of that. Now, there's a large hunting knife under each one of your seats. On my command, I want you to.... You idiots! I had them! Cindi was right. We need a lot more work.
Peter: Excuse me. Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. Listen, as many of you may know, I recently came into some money. Well, I don't really deserve it so I've decided to share it with my brothers!
[Crowd cheering]
Peter: Actually, I just meant the black guys.
Lois: Peter, that was very generous. Look how happy you've made everyone.
Peter: Yeah, it just goes to show you, Lois. It doesn't matter if you're black or white. The only color that really matters is green.
Lois: Oh, Peter.
Cheerleader: I wonder what happened to Cindi.
Quagmire: Dear diary, Jackpot!
[Rap version of theme song]