Death Lives

Theme Song
[News bulletin music]
Diane Simmons: A tragic accident today in the north Providence area. A family of four lost their lives when their minivan swerved off the road and into a ravine, exploding on impact.
Tom Tucker: [Snickering]
Diane Simmons: Do you find this funny, Tom?
Tom Tucker: No, no, no. I was remembering, I accidentally put my shirt on inside out this morning. It's fine now, though. So, so, what were you saying? A fashion show?
Meg: Chris, turn the TV off. We gotta find an anniversary gift for Mom and Dad.
Chris: Don't look! We're shopping! We're shopping!
Lois: Oh, kids, you don't need to do anything special for our anniversary. Just your father.
Meg: I hope he doesn't wait and get your gift at the last minute again.
[flashback to family in kitchen]
Lois: My goodness! A human thumb. Where did you ever find this?
Peter: It was on eBay. [vomiting] Oh, God! Call an ambulance!
Lois: This year, instead of exchanging gifts, I told him it would be nice if we could just spend a romantic day together.
Stewie: Oh, dear! I think we all know what that means. [Imitating springs] Gross.
[Cheery instrumental music]
Cleveland: Hey, fellas! Guess what? I got us a tee time tomorrow at Barrington Country Club.
Cleveland: Barrington? Wow!
Peter: I'm in.
Brian: Uh, Peter, tomorrow's your anniversary.
Peter: Aw, crap! If Lois finds out I'm ditching her to play golf, she'll hit me with a frying pan...which is why I'm gonna drink this frying-pan antidote. All right, hit me with this. Didn't work.
[Birds singing]
Lois: What the hell? <reading aloud> "Lois, it's an anniversary scavenger hunt. "Your first clue is at the Quahog Mini-Mart. Love, Peter." Oh, how fun!
[Cheery instrumental music]
Man: All right, gentlemen, before you tee off, here are your complimentary monogrammed bag towels, a sleeve of balls, and this mobile ball cleaner.
Caddie: Clean as a whistle, sir.
Peter: I'm not gonna get short by touching your spit, am I?
Caddie: You'd be the first, champ.
Peter: Well, it's about time.
Cleveland: Sorry, fellas. I'm not gonna be able to play. Loretta's mother is in town, and we have to go buy new sheets for the dog bed.
Loretta: Cleveland!
Cleveland: I mean, the pullout sofa bed.
Peter: Cleveland, this is Barrington. You could be the first black guy ever to play this course. People are gonna be impressed.
Golfer 1: Hey, a black guy!
Golfer 2: Fun!
Loretta: Come on, Cleveland.
Brian: Maybe we should play another time.
Peter: Screw that. I busted my ass keeping Lois busy so I could be here. Now, let's grip it and rip it.
Golfer: The Fed will be lowering rates, get your money out of T-bills and put it all into <hit by ball> waffles! Tasty waffles with lots of syrup!
Broker: Waffles! Buy waffles!
Brokers:Waffles! [All shouting]
Lois: Okay, kids. Keep your eyes peeled for a clue.
Stewie: Now what Jughead has done here, and it's really quite ingenious actually, is paint pupils on his eyelids, so he can sleep through class without Miss Grundy being any the wiser.
Chris: He's sleeping.
Meg: Mom, I found Dad's first clue.
Lois: I can't believe your father organized this. Usually he can't even handle simple tasks.
[flashback]
Lois: Peter, why is there a diaper in the lamp socket?
Stewie: Lois, he's done it again! Wait a minute. [Exclaims]
Brian: Let's pack it in. There's too much water out here.
Quagmire: Yeah. Let's hit the bar, huh?
Peter: Come on. There's worse things in life than rain. Like uh, like spiders.
Spider: He's behind the door!
Lois: [Coughing] Peter, he's bothering everyone. Say something.
Peter: Say something? I'll kick his ass. Someone ought to kick his ass.
Spider: Don't go in there!
Lois: Peter!
Peter: All right. Give me a Kleenex.
Spider: I knew he was bad. I knew...ah!
Caddie: Out of me way! They're after me Lucky Charms!
Quagmire: I paid him $10 to say it. Classic.
Brian: We'll be in the clubhouse.
Peter: Go on, run away! More golf course for me! That was close. That looks dangerous. Somebody's gonna get hurt. [straining] It'll be fine.
[Magical instrumental music]
BOTH: You again?
[Mysterious instrumental music]
Peter: Death, please, don't take me now.
Death: DEATH: Relax. You're not dying. You're just having a near-death experience.
Peter: Thank God!
Death: Yeah, thank God. Thank God I get to hang out with a fascinating gent like yourself!
Peter: So, when am I gonna die?
Death: About two years after your wife divorces you.
Peter: What the hell are you talking about? Lois would never leave me. She's been crazy about me since the night we met.
[Sweet instrumental music]
Peter: My God, that's me! Look how thin I was!
Lois: My, this is certainly a beautiful night. I love looking at stars.
Peter: Say no more.
Lois: Peter, wait. I...
Peter: "Very interesting. But stupid."
Lois: Oh, my God! I love Arte Johnson!
Peter: Why don't you give him a kiss?
Lois: Peter, get away from me.
Peter: Come on.
Lois: Stop it.
Peter: Give Arte Johnson a kiss.
[Both laughing]
[Peter Frampton's "Baby, I Love Your way" playing on radio]
Trucker: Oh, my God!
[Truck crashing]
[Music continuing on radio]
Lois: Peter, I hear music.
Peter: Yeah. Me, too. From now on, this'll be our song.
[Driver groaning]
Lois: I've never met a guy like you. You're so full of life.
[Driver screaming]
Lois: It's like I can really be myself with you. I'm so happy.
Peter: Man! She was beautiful.
Death: Say, this looks awfully familiar. Wait a second! I remember this! That's me! Look at all that hair. I can't believe I thought that looked good. I must have been high.
Peter: I love you, Lois Pewterschmidt.
Lois: I love you, Peter Griffin.
Peter: Look at that. Huh, huh? There's no way she's gonna leave me. Now put me back in my freakin' body, all right?
Death: I can't put you back until you have a revelation. You know, one of those things that changes your life.
Peter: To hell with this. I'm going home.
Death: What are you doing? You can't get in that way.
Peter: I'm sure as hell not going in the back door.
Death: Crap! I don't have time for this. Listen, I'm late for an appointment. If you don't want to follow procedure, fine. Stay here in limbo.
Peter: No. Wait. I don't want to be in limbo!
Lois: Okay. It says the next note will be right under my nose.
Announcer: And they're off! And quick out in front, Silver Dasher, followed by My Nose!
Lois: Aha! Hold my purse!
[Dogs barking]
Chris: What's Mom doing?
Stewie: I'll tell you what she's doing, she's screwing up my six-two quinella. Damn it!
Announcer: My Nose in front, followed by Sea Biscuit, followed by Some Crazy Lady followed by Middle-Aged Housewife followed by Wait, Who's That? followed by Silver Dasher. And now it appears there's a woman chasing the dogs.
Lois: Let's go, kids!
Stewie: Blackie, tell the boys in Kansas City the bet's off.
Bettor: Too late, Stewie. The fix is in, and the noodles are boiling in the pot. Boiling, I tell you!
Stewie: Aaargh!
Peter: Wait a minute. I got it, I got it. I figured out my revelation: God loves a working man.
Death: No!
Peter: The Shadow is in reality Lamont Cranston, wealthy young man about town.
Death: No! Oh, crap! I'm late. I'm in big, big trouble!
Peter: Jeez, you're pretty shook up about that appointment of yours! You're Death. What are you afraid of?
Mrs. Death: Where the hell have you been? When I said lunch, I said noon, not noon-ish.
Death: Sorry, Ma.
Mrs. Death: Sorry? Is "sorry" gonna reheat the casserole? So, who's your friend?
Death: It's a work thing, Ma. Near-death experience.
Mrs. Death: Where are you going?
Death: I gotta take a leak.
Mrs. Death: Well, don't forget to zip up your fly. If you don't zip up your fly, a seagull will get you!
Death: God, she's a pain in the ass! I wish Dad was still dead.
Peter: I'll tell you, Lois' dad was a pain in the ass when I met him.
[Doorbell rings]
Peter: Hi. Can I take my tie off yet?
Lois: Peter, you look so wonderful. Are you nervous about meeting Daddy?
Peter: You'll know when I'm nervous.
Carter: Lois?
[Farts]
Peter: Now. Lois, take the rap for this. I only get one chance to make a first impression.
Lois: Hi, Daddy. That was me. And this is Peter.
Peter: Hey, Mr. Pewterschmidt. What are you feeding this gal? Peter Griffin. Can I take this freakin' tie off?
Carter: It's a pleasure. My daughter is quite taken with you.
Peter: And I'm taken with her. I mean, look at this. Show us front and back there, Lois. Don't think I don't know where that comes from. That's some world-class juice you got brewing in the old flesh balloon down there, Carter. Oh, yeah.
Lois: I'm gonna go get my purse.
Peter: All right. Hey, based on what you've seen with your wife what can we expect in terms of droopage here? We talking a slight slope or the full fried-eggs-hanging-on-a-nail thing?
"Carter: Peter, what do you think of this bronze statue?
Peter: It's nice.
Carter: It's early Etruscan.
Peter: Get out of here!
Carter: No, seriously.
Peter: That's great.
[Sputtering]
Captain: Hey, look. A manatee!
Chef: We can use it for soup.
Quagmire: Ensign Glen Quagmire. Welcome aboard. You picked a great day to get rescued. We were just about to sing a song about mopping.
[Cheery instrumental music]
Sailors: ? We're mopping the deck, which is Navy for 'floor' ? ? And when we're done mopping, we'll mop it some more ? ? 'Swab' means 'mop,' 'deck' means 'floor'...?
Mrs. Death: Could you tell me when you're leaving to go back in time. I was talking to a robe on the coat rack for 20 minutes before I realized you weren't in it.
Death: Ma, for God's sake, leave me alone! I'm working!
Mrs. Death Don't yell at your mother! If you yell at your mother, a hen will lay eggs in your tummy.
Peter: Wow, brilliantly choreographed.
Quagmire: Well, that's your tax dollars at work. Hey, why don't you join us and see the world?
Peter: Sorry, pal. I've seen the world, and its name is Lois.
Mrs. Death: How romantic! Why can't you find a nice girl?
Death: Ma, she's gonna dump him.
Mrs. Death: Well, at least he got that far. You know who he took to the prom? His cousin!
Peter: That's weak.
Mrs. Death: Yeah.
Death: All right, all right, that's it! I'm sick of both of you. Come on, Peter.
Mrs. Death: Death, put your jacket on, or you'll get frostbite!
Death: I don't have skin!
Mrs. Death: 'Cause you didn't eat your beans!
"Death: Come on. Get back in your big, fat body. Why should I help a guy save his marriage when I can't even get a girl?
Peter: Whoa, wait! What are you saying?
Death: The revelation, jackass! It could have helped you save your marriage. But too late. And by the way, when the lightning hit you, you soiled yourself. Enjoy.
Peter: Wait. I can't lose Lois! Please, I'll do anything. What if I helped you get a girl?
Death: Really? You think you could do that?
Peter: Sure. All we gotta do is get you a little fixed up. Get you a haircut, give you a good clean...[Screams]...shave, maybe some cologne. The chicks'll be all over you.
Death: Gee! You really think so?
Peter: Absolutely. [Vomits]
Death: You got any SPF-50? I bleach like a gym sock.
Peter: Look, Death, will you relax? I told ya, the beach is a perfect place to pick up chicks. Now I want you to go over there, and ask those girls if you can play.
Death: Hey, can I join you?
Girl 1: I guess. What's your name?
Death: Josh.
Girl 1: Do you, like, live around here?
Death: No. I live with my mom.
Girl 1: Let's get out of here.
Girl 2: See ya, Josh. Tell your mom we said hi.
Man: Heads up!
[Cheery instrumental music]
Meg: How do we get up there? Dad put grease on the pole.
Chris: Don't worry, Meg. We've been studying fulcrums in school. You simply have to counter-balance the weight where the lever pivots. Like so.
Meg: Stewie, honey, want to play rocket ship?
Stewie: What the deuce?
Lois: Blast off! Go on, Stewie. Get the note for Mommy.
Stewie: How dare you use me for your own personal selfish...oh. Pull slower. I must remember to do this again when no one's around.
Death: What the hell was I thinking? You don't know anything about picking up chicks.
Peter: Are you kidding? I learned from the best.
[Exciting instrumental music]
Quagmire: Come on, buddy. We're dropping anchor in Jamaica!
Peter: Great! We're getting closer to Rhode Island.
Quagmire: Rhode Island? Forget that. I'm taking you out for some shore leave. Does this look like a "Q" to you?
Peter: No.
Quagmire: How about now?
Peter: Sorry, Quagmire. Your crotch just looks like Lois to me.
Quagmire: Well, let's ask her then. Hey, Lois, should Peter sit around and mope all night? Or should Peter go out with his buddy and have some fun? All right!
[at the Tiki bar]
Quagmire: Okay, that one's a feminist type. She's into he-men. And that one's mad for jazz. Watch this. "The plight of women in this hemisphere is deplorable!" "I can bench-press 800 pounds!" "You, me and Coltrane till dawn!" There you go, Peter. One for you, two for me.
Peter: You guys go on without me. [Sighs]
[Sad instrumental music]
Death: Why didn't you go with them?
Peter: You don't know what love's like.
Death: Oh, yeah? Her name's Amy. She works at a pet store. I met her when her dad hung himself. But I was too shy to ask her out.
Peter: What's with that moustache?
"Death: Let me see that. Sorry. That's Edward James Olmos. Here. This is her.
Peter: Hey, nice ass.
Death: Sorry. No. That's Edward James Olmos' ass. I guess I don't have a photo. But trust me, she's cute.
Peter: Well, let's go get her.
Death: I need that picture of Olmos' ass back
Peter: Oh, yeah, right.
Meg: Mom, hurry! I can't stand the smell!
Lois: I found the note! "Go back to the Mini-Mart"? Well, this isn't very creative. Let's go, kids.
Chris: Mom, you remember that goldfish we flushed down the toilet? He wasn't dead.
Death: There she is. That's her.
Peter: All right, now go on, like we practiced.
Amy: Hey, you.
Death: Hi. I was just, [animals going crazy] in the neighborhood and so I thought that you.... This is a bad time. Maybe I'll just come back. Who'm I kidding? I'll never get her.
Peter: Not with that attitude. Come on! Robert Reed got Florence Henderson, and he was one of thema toe-tapping Burgermeisters. You've gotta find a way to make it happen.
Quagmire: So long, Peter. I hope you find your girl.
Peter: Thanks, Quagmire. Hope you live next door to me someday.
Quagmire: Hey, does this look like a "Q" to you?
[Girl screams]
Quagmire: How about now?
Cleveland: So, where is it you need to go, my new honky friend?
Peter: Rhode Island. That's not too far, is it?
Cleveland: Nothing's too far away from Maxine, the cheatin' queen. Women. That's not fair. I'm just speaking out of hurt. That truck's coming up on us awful fast.
[Truck honking]
Peter: Holy crap! Do you see what I see?
Cleveland: I'm afraid I do!
Peter: We're being chased by ghosts!
Death: So, you went through all this trouble to see your girl?
Peter: I sure did. And I'm just a fat idiot. What's your excuse, you big chicken?
Death: Chicken? You take that back!
Peter: Yeah? Make me!
Death: I don't make monkeys, I train 'em.
Peter: Holy crap! I'm sorry. Did that hurt?
Death: No. But this will!
Peter: You bastard!
Amy: What the hell is going on out here?
Death: Actually, I, uh...
Peter: He wanted to ask you something.
Death: Amy, you want to go somewhere and grab a coffee?
Amy: Sure. I get off at 2:00.
Death: Great! Great. I'll meet you here.
Peter: You did it! All right! Hey, who knows? You might even, you know...
Death: I'm not following you.
Peter: Intercourse.
Death: Ah.
Lois: What are you doing here?
Cleveland: Loretta's mom wanted a snack so we had to pick her up some Kibbles 'n' Bits.
Loretta: Cleveland!
Cleveland: I mean Cheezits.
Lois: Did Peter give you a clue for me?
Loretta: Peter? He's down at Barrington with Brian and Quagmire.
Lois: He's golfing on our anniversary?
Cleveland: Oh, boy! You just put Peter in the doghouse. Which is where your mother...
Loretta: Don't say it!
Cleveland: Your mother smells.
[Cheery instrumental music]
Death: See, this is why I hate clothes shopping. I have no ass. I'm minus an ass.
Peter: You're trying too hard, Death. She won't care what you're wearing. She's just gonna be glad to see you. That's how it was with Lois.
[Growling]
Peter: [Screams] Oh, God! Oh, God! [struggling] Hi, Mr. Pewterschmidt.
Carter: What the hell are you doing here?
Peter: It's a long story with some terrific performances and a wonderful scene at a carnival, but I'll cut to the ending. I want to marry Lois!
Carter: Out of the question! Now, listen, Griffin. I want you to take this, and stay away from my daughter forever!
Peter: $1 million?
Carter: $1 million.
Peter: No deal! Lois may be worth a million to you, but to me, she's worthless. I love her, Mr. Pewterschmidt.
Lois: Oh, Peter!
Peter: Holy crap! Back then, I gave up $1 million just to be with Lois. Now I won't even miss a lousy golf game to spend our anniversary together. No wonder she's gonna dump me.
Death: Or is she?
Peter: Wait a minute. That's my revelation. I gotta pay more attention to my wife!
Death: Eureka! Now, come on back to the golf course. I've got a date.
Peter: Death, wait. Before we go, I need you to do me one more favor.
Death: <spectral voice> Peter! Peter Frampton!
Peter Frampton: Oh, no! God, please, no! I'm too young to die! Are you sure you're not supposed to be at Keith Richards' house?
Death: All right. If you want to live, come with me <back to normal voice> and bring your guitar, and bring that thing that makes it go... [Makes wah-wah sound]
[Dramatic instrumental music]
Valet: Wait!
Lois: Damn! How could he lie to me on our anniversary?
[Frampton singing "Baby, I Love Your Way," and playing on acoustic guitar]
Lois: Peter! Our song!
Peter: Happy anniversary, Lois.
Peter: This is the most romantic gift you've ever given me. How did you ever put all of this together?
Death: Well, I had a little help from a very special friend.
Amy: I like animals.
Death: Uh-huh.
Amy: Because they're like people. Just little furry people.
Death: Yeah. Hey, you ever go on the Internet? They got some cool stuff there on that Internet.
Amy: Oh, yeah, I bought these shoes from a company on the Internet because they don't test on animals.
Death: [sighs]
Amy: You know, animals never have war. War is an invention of mankind.
Death: What the hell are you talking about? Animals fight all the time!
Amy: Not with nuclear arms. You can't hug your children with nuclear arms.
Death: Check, please.
[closing theme music]