Fore Father

(Scene: Exterior Shot of The Griffins house. Peter, Brian, Meg, and Chris are watching T.V).
Unseen Announcer: We know return to Little House On the Prarie. (Exterior shot of Prarie house shown as we move inside to see a mother reading to two kids in the background and a girl reading Brail with a guy over her shoulder).
Guy: Oh, that's wonderful Mary, you're doing great with your braille.
Mary: (Putting book down on the table) I couldn't have done it without you Paul.
Paul: (Gets out of chair) Why don't you go to bed and get some sleep, honey. (Paul walks ahead of her as Mary takes book and exits right. Paul mentions for the others to shush as he walks past Mary and uses his foot to move a wooden stool into her way of walking. She falls and trips over it).
Paul: Honey, (Helps her up) you remember where the stool was. (he walks ahead of her as she continues walking in a diffrent direction. The two kids and mother are holding in laughter. Paul picks up a broom with a pan on the end attached to it and holds it in front of Mary. She walks into it and hurts her head). Oh Mary, Mary, you're in the kitchen sweetheart, you're all disoriented. Let me help you. (Spins her around as the mother and kids smile) The ladder's right here. (Mother and kids hold in laughter again).
Mary: (Heading up ladder) Thanks Paul. (He kisses her as she walks up the ladder, which he moves over to the window at the top of the barn. She falls out the window and crashes into something outside. The others are laughing at her. Cut back to Peter and family).
Peter: (Fairly serious) Geez, life was a lot tougher back then.
Theme Song
(Same shot of Peter, Brian, Meg and Chris on the couch as Lois enters carrying in Stewie).
Lois: Listen up everybody. It's time for spring cleaning.
Peter, Brian, Meg and Chris: (At the same time) Spring Cleaning!? Oh not again! (Notices they're all talking in unison) That was weird. Boy, that was weird too.
Lois: If we all pitch in we'll be done in no time.
Peter: Lois, you known I swore I'd never clean again. Not after Boundy dropped me as their spokesman (Flashback to Peter in a yellow painted kitchen, dropping liquid on a table counter while a woman holds up the Bounty product). Wait a second, Rosie, I've just pourn this glass of warm yellow liquid on the counter and you're telling me that Bounty can pick it up in 5 seconds?
Rosie: (Notices liquid) What is this?
Peter: (Looks at watch) Four seconds.
Rosie: Is that-
Peter: Three seconds.
Rosie: It smells like-
Peter: (Points to liquid) Clean my pee! (Flash back to the Griffin's house. Meg sits up on the floor).
Meg: Mom, I can't clean, I've got stuff to do.
Lois: Sweetheart, we know you don't have any stuff to do. (Moves on hand palm side up in the air) Now I don't want to hear any more excuses from anyone.
Peter, Brian, Meg, Chris: (In unison again) Ah crap. (Notices they're in unsion again) We did it again! (Wait a few seconds and look at each other) Ruth Bader-Ginsberg! (Eyes squinch up) Ooooohhhh!
(Exterior shot of the Griffins house, then a shot of Meg and Lois cleaning in the basement by dusting off boxes (Meg) and a shelf of various equipment (Lois). Lois moves over to a chest near the shelf and opens it).
Lois: Ahh, look Meg, it's your little baby booties (pulls them out of chest), oh and your little bronze hat (pulls that out of chest as well) and your tail (pulls tail out. Meg's eyes go wide).
Meg: My What!? (Turns around to Lois)
Lois: Nothing. (Puts tail back in chest and shuts it. Shot of Peter, Chris and Cleavland near a fire hydrant. Chris is holding a wrench and standing next to Cleveland and Peter is holding a piece of paper out).
Peter: Okay, Lois's list says clean the windows, clear the gutters, and wash the siding (Moves hands to waist) Now for most folks (moves his right hand up) that's three chores (points at guys) but to Peter Griffin and his big hose it's one. (attaches a hose that was previously off camera to the hydrant)
Cleveland: Oh, you're not working hard Peter. (Peter moves with the hose right in front of the hydrant preparing to turn it on) You're working (?) smart. (Moves to the street pavement right before the sidewalk in front of his house and calls back).
Peter: Hey Chris, give me the juice. (Chris uses wrench to turn screw on hydrant around. A gush of water comes out of the hose which Peter moves to the top window of his house. The water breaks the window and Peter moves the hose right knocking some of the covering on his house. Shot of Brian using a vaccum to clean another room. He moves on top of a table, which is immediatly blasted by the gush of water. Brian is knocked off camera. You can now see Peter still spraying the water with his hose outside as Chris turns the water off by turning the wrench the other way. The water steadily dies down and Peter starts smiling).
Lois: (From inside the house calling out a broken window) Peter there's water and glass and it's a diaster in here.
Peter: (Still holding hose) Well Lois, why don't you put down your ginger ale and redbook and get to work? (Looks at her sternly) La-zy. (Walks off screen to the left).
Lois: You're not helping. Look, don't come near the house. Go do something else (Walks out off camera. Shot of Joe and his son Kevin near their truck. Joe moves his finger to a bag on the driveway).
Joe: Son, this duffel bag is only half zipped. (Kevin moves to zip it as Peter, Cleveland and Chris walk on screen).
Peter: Hey Joe, where you going?
Joe: I'm going camping for the weekend (points to Kevin still zipping up bag) with Johnny Cut corners . (Stops pointing) You guys wanna come along?
Cleveland: Hmm, it would be nice to get out of the house. This is the time of the month when Loretta is visited by her Aunt Flo. Loretta likes to personify her mencies in humorous ways. (Shot of Quagmire outside of his house looking at his mail near the mailbox).
Joe: (Calling out to him) Hey Quagmire, you up for some camping? (Quagmire's head turns to them and he smiles). Quagmire: Heh, sorry bud. (moves right hand with the mail in it to his side and the other one on his chest) The only tent I'm pitchin' this weekend is... (smile dissapears and he looks uneasy) Well, you see where I'm going with this. (Moves his arms in a fluid downward motion) Oh!
Chris: (Looking at Peter) I want to go to Dad. (Looks kind of scared) It will get me away from the evil monkey that lives in my closet. (Cleveland and Peter start laughing at him).
Peter: (still laughing) Monkey in the closet… (goes back to laughing with Cleveland as Chris looks worried. Pan to outside his room where a scary looking monkey comes near the window and points at him menacingly and jumps off the window pedestal. Chris looks down depressed. Peter is talking to Joe and Cleveland)
Peter: Oh, this is going to be great. Last time I did any male bonding is when me and Cleveland (points to him) went to China Town. (Flashback to Chinatown where a store sign says Chinese Finger Cuffs and then pans down to Peter and Cleveland stuck by finger cuffs by their... penises. The store manager looks at them).
Peter: Look (looks at him) forget how it happened, can you just get us out of this?
(Shot of inside house where various papers and books are all torn apart in the kitchen. Stewie is seen drinking some tea with Rupert in the background along with some cookies, which he puts into some paste and then eats them).
Stewie: I say, Rupert, (looks at him) this paste is quite delicious. It's almost worth the bowel obstruction. (Licks finger and puts down paste bottle. Brian enters the room through a door on the left and looks angrily around the room and then at Stewie).
Brian: (Questionly) Are those my books? What the Hell are you doing?
Stewie: Paper machíe. (tears out one of the papers) I use them to make the houseboat from Surfside 6. (pan to a repiclia of said house boat) You remember: (starts to sing and move his hands back and forth) Surfside 6! (high pitched voice with finger to his mouth) Who lives there? (regular voice and hands moving again) Surfside 6! (High pitched voice and finger to mouth again) Young bachelors? (Normal voice and hands moving back and forth again) In Miami Beach! (Spreads his hands and arms open horizontally and tilts head upward. Brian points at him).
Brian: (Angry) Those are my first editions (Lois enters the room) You little punk! (Brian moves to him and Stewie moves toward Lois who picks him up).
Stewie: Momma, doggie's scary!
Lois: Brian, have you lost you're mind? He's just a baby. (pats Stewie and turns right) He doesn't know what he's doing (walks off with Stewie who looks at Brian).
Brian: This isn't over.
Stewie: (Smug) Oh, if you're looking for your doschodoectie I used it used it to make the Fort from F troop. (Lois contiunes to walk into living room with Stewie and looks at him)
Lois: Look what I found, Stewie. (holds up letter) An appoinment card. (puts him down on sofa) You've got a checkup. (Stewie holds the card and looks at it)
Stewie: Oh, marvelous. A quick weighing (points out) a stick in your tounge and a nice lollypop to cap it all off. (folds letter a bit and looks at Lois) Oh, and remind me to ask the doctor when my other testicle is going to descend. (Shot of the woods as we pan to Peter Joe and Cleveland. Joe and Cleveland are pitching a tent to the ground and Peter's drinking a beer and sitting on a tree stump. Cleveland Junior comes in with a stick).
Cleveland Junior: Bang! (Points at Peter) I'm Daniel Boon! I'm a man (Jumps up and down) I'm a big man! (Points stick in other direction) Bang Bang! (Breaks stick in two and looks at it. Drops one half of the stick in his right and and twirls the stick in his left hand). Now I'm Pat Boone. Gonna have a Christmas special with Daniel Willams. (Laughs and runs around in a circle once and then offscreen)
Peter: (Breaths in air and exhales) Ah, so beautiful. It's almost as if this world was created espically for me. (Pan to a T.V monitor with him on it with two monitors to the side and the sign A-10112 on top. A hand is touching the monitor with Peter on it as it slowly moves off, and shows two guys, one with a beard and one with a hat. Both of them have microphone head speakers on).
Beard Guy: You think he's on to us Christov?
Christov: (Now shown with the moon behind them) No, he's an idiot. (Shot of Kevin walking back to camp holding a shovel).
Kevin: Dad, I dug the latrine 50 feet out.
Joe: (Not impressed) Oh, that's great Kevin, you want a cookie every time you do something right? Get some firewood.
Kevin: (makes army salute to Joe) Yes sir! (Walks off camera. Joe turns to Peter smiling).
Joe: He's gonna grow up to be quite a man. (Flashforward to Kevin grown up with some attractive blonde woman in bed with him. Women is looking quite pleased while Kevin is looking fairly bored).
Women: (Looks up at him) Mmmm, that was incredible Kevin.
Kevin: (Looks at her) I'm not here to impress you. (Women starts to look sad as we pan over to Joe looking at them) Am I dad?
Joe: Did I say you could rest yet!? (Flash back to present as Peter and Joe look slightly up smiling. Cleveland Junior runs up with some firewood in both hands).
Cleveland Junior: I'm Abe Lincoln. I just chopped some wood. (laughs and wood falls to the floor).
Joe: (Sternly looks at him) Good for you son. (Cleveland Junior walks off camera and Joe looks at Peter) Hey, where's Chris? I asked him to fill the canteens an hour ago.
Chris: (Off camera) Hey dad, look. (Peter and Chris turn to see Chris moving on camera, shirtless and lying on his back) I covered my back with honey and now the ants are taking me home. (laughs as ants drag him off camera).
Peter: (Laughs as well and points at Chris) He does the same thing at home with Velveeta and cockroaches. If you turn the light on really fast (Peter raises left hand and moves it over quickly) they slam him right into the fridge. (Shot of outside Dr's Office. The name on the door says Elmer Hartman on it. We see Lois putting down Stewie on one of the waiting room seats, and then sitting down herself. Stewie eyes a magazine to the right of him and picks it up).
Stewie: Oh great, Miera Bella. (Pauses and looks at it again) December's Miera Bella. (Tosses the magazine back on the table it was on. Looks at another baby and parent to the left of the magazine. The baby is naked). What's you're story? Get lost on the way to the mourge? Heh, no seriously is that yours? If it is, then bravo. (Shot of Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Cleveland junior. Peter is holding a tackle box while Cleveland Junior is looking at his dad and Joe is holding a fishing pole).
Cleveland: You remember that short lived sitcom, Fish? (Joe puts away the fishing pole in his backpack) They should have put that on before Chips. (The four move out of camera and walk to the river where Chris is sitting on a log with a pencil and paper in his hand) The marketing pratically writes itself.
Joe: (Looking at Chris) Let's go Chris. You're dinner isn't going to catch itself.
Chris: I don't wanna go (continues drawing) I had a bad experience with a fish once .(Flashback to Chris's room. Just as he enters it he looks to his fish bowl and see's his fish is gone. He looks under the fishfood and see's a watertrail, that goes all the way to the window, which is partily broken) Oh my god, my fish is gone! (Looks to his piggybank and see's nothing there as well) And he robbed me! (Flashforward to the present)
Peter: Okay, see you Chris.
Joe: Peter, this is none of my business, but you're turning you're boy into a slacker.
Peter: How dare you call my parenting into questioning! If you were a woman I'd slug you.
Joe: I'm just saying you should teach him some responsibility.
Peter: Alright. (Looks over at Chris) Hey Chris, you are responsible (walks over to him) for guarding the camp while were fishing.
Chris: Got it dad. You can count on me to- (falls asleep in mid sentence).
Peter: (Looks at others and then taps Chris to wake him up) Chris, pay attention. I want you to (also falls asleep mid sentence, and so does Chris again. Shot of Doctor Hunter's office where Stewie has stripped naked and Dr. Hunter is examining Stewie with his stethoscope).
Dr. Hunter: Alright, take a deep breath Stewie. (Moves strethroscope to Stewie's stomach. Stewie laughs and pushes it away).
Stewie: Cold! Cold! (Stops laughing) Okay, okay, I'm fine, I'm fine. (Dr Hunter puts strethropscope back on Stewie's stomach. Stewie breaths through his nose once and looks at the doctor) Ah! Tell me Dr Hartman do all the children fall in love with you? (Dr. Hunter looks at him and Stewie starts laughing again) That's cold, that's cold. (Dr. Hunter picks him up and puts him on the scale).
Dr.Hunter: Hmmm, 29 pounds. (takes out pen and writes something down) That's big for your age.
Stewie: (Looks at him sternly) Well, forgive me for not being one of those aneroxic babies from the diaper commericals. (Dr Hunter picks him up and puts him back on the table as the nurse comes in carting a metal rolling table with a package of wooden tounge depressors on it).
Dr Hunter: Alright little guy, time for you're immunizations.
Nurse: (Talking to Lois) You might want to hold him.
Stewie: (Looks at Lois) Hold me for what? (Looks shocked as the nurse hands the Doctor a needle. Lois comes over and touches his arms) What the deuce?
Lois: (Looks at him) Oh, I'm sorry sweetie. (Stewie struggles out of her grip and runs on the table the nurse brought in, takes one of the tounge depressors and holds her by the neck with the tounger depressor in a sliting throat position).
Stewie: Back off! Don't come any closer or I'll cut her! (Looks at the tounge depressor he's holding) I'll... I'll... give her a series of splinters... that could um... you know... become infected! (Lois walks up holding a blue kitty puppet in her left hand).
Lois: Look Stewie, look at the dancing kitty. (Continue to walk towards Stewie).
Stewie: Oh ho ho, no I'll not be taken in by one of your (Lois stops walking. Stewie's attitude changes and he becomes content with the kitty) Oh my, that's delighful, isn't it, what's your name, (Dr. Hunter sneaks up behind Stewie with the needle) you little- (sticks him with it) Ahh! Ahh God! (Shot of the sun in the sky setting as we pan down to see Peter, Joe, and Kevin. Peter is drinking in one boat and Joe and Kevin are in another).
Peter: (Looking outward) They call this the magic hour. The day's not quite gone, but the night's not quite here, and somewhere Scott Baio is plowing a woman he dosen't love. (Kevin's line begins to snag and he pulls on it).
Kevin: I got one, dad! (Pulls line up fully and we see the fish has escaped).
Peter: (Chuckles a bit) Heh heh, looks like that's the one that got away.
Joe: (Pulls out a gun) The hell it is. (Holds gun out and looks at Kevin). You get in there (hands gun to Kevin) and kick that fish's ass! (Kevin get's up and jumps out of the boat. Joe crosses his arm and looks down at the water. Then aside he says) God, I love him. (Shot of Cleveland Junior running by, along with Joe being wheeled by Kevin and Cleveland and Peter).
Cleveland: I can't believe how terrible the fishing was.
Peter: Yeah all we got was this tire, a boot, a tin can and this book of cliches (holds up book).
Joe: Well, thank God we came prepared. We brought enough food to last us- (The guys reach camp and are shocked to see it a total mess with the food being taken out of the cooler. Chris is standing next to the turned down cooler on the right and Cleveland Junior on the left).
Peter: Holy crap! (Raises arms slightly up) Chris what the hell!? I put you in charge of the food.
Chris: (Runs over to Peter with sketchbook) The raccoons were here (opens up book and we see a drawing of the food) see? (In flipbook fashion, Chris turns the pages as drawn raccoons appear in the book) Oh, we're a bunch of sneaky little animals. (drawn raccons knock over food) We're going to wreck this food and eat it (do so) because we're naughty (raccoons surround the tent. Chris comes out) And then there's a guy. Let's get him in trouble with his dad. (Chris laughs as drawn Chris says look at the raccoons)
Joe: Somehow I'm less then surprised.
Chris: (Looks down at ground) I'm sorry dad. I messed up the entire trip.
Peter: Ah it's not you're fault Chris. I failed you as a father. From now on Joe will be you're father. (Joe shakes his head no) Cleveland? (Cleveland also shakes his head no. We pan to a elk on the right).
Elk: I'll teach the boy. Come my son, I'll show you the ways of the herd- (sound of gunfire heard as a hunter shoots the elk and him and his two buddies carry him offscreen)
Peter: (Looks at dead elk, then looks at ground) Ah crap.
(Scene: At the Griffin's house at night, Peter and Lois's bed. We see some form in the bed as Lois enters in her nightgown and robe)
Lois: Peter, why are you sitting with the sheets over you're head?(pulls off sheets to reveal a collection of skeleton heads. Lois screams and Peter enters from the left) Peter, what's wrong?
Peter: (Looks at her) Is it that obvious?
Lois: (Takes one of the skulls and puts it in the closest) Well you always do the skull gag when you're depressed. (picks up another one and holds it) Talk to me.
Peter: Well, it's just I'm trying to teach Chris how to be a man, you know. First I tried teaching him how to eat an oreo. (Holds his hand out. We flashback to Chris and Peter in the kitchen with a plate full of oreos between them).
Peter: (picks up an oreo) The way to eat an oreo is to twist it (twists the oreo) pull it apart (does so) and lick it (licks the left half of the oreo once). Now you. (Chris picks up the oreo and smacks it against his head, falling unconcious. Flash to the present again where Peter is sitting on the bed) Then I'd try teaching him how to get out of paying a check.
(Flashback to Peter and Chris at a resturant. Peter is drinking soup with a spoon and brings it up to his lips and drinks, then looks back and forth and pulls out a naked dead person from underneath the table and puts his head into the soup. He points to the waiter) Uh, waiter? (He motions for the waiter to come over, which he does) There's a dead guy in my soup.
Waiter: Oh, I'm terrribly sorry sir. Of course you're soup is grathus. (Waiter walks out off camera. Pan over to Chris on the other side). Peter looks at him).
Peter: Now your turn. (Chris takes a seemingly naked dead guy from under the table and places his face on the soup. Chris points to the waiter).
Chris: Waiter, there's a dead guy in my-(the seemingly dead guy moves his face out the soup and is looking around afraid. He starts screaming. Chris takes the wine bottle and keeps bopping the guy over the head with it. Peter looks shocked and crawls off camera to the right. Flash back to the present where Peter is standing up and Lois is siting on the bed)
Lois: Peter, you can't force feed maturity. He needs to learn it on his own. (Gets up and takes off her night robe) Why don't you get her a job or something?
Peter: Woah! (Lois throws the robe to the bed) Freeze Frame! (Lois is frozen in her position and Peter shrugs his shoulders slightly) That's it! (Walks to where the camera would be if this were live action) I can teach Chris responsibility by getting him a job. (Points to Lois) Isn't she great? (Walks back to her) Now you see why I married her. (Faces back towards the camera and makes the leave motion with his right hand). Go away now. I'm gonna do stuff to her. (Exterior shot of Griffin's house at morning time. Brian is sitting on the couch and Lois enter's the shot from the right carrying three books).
Lois: I'm sorry Stewie ruined your books. Here, (puts the books down and sits on armrest) I brought you some of Peter's. (Brian takes the first book and looks at the title). Brian: (Reading) Mr. T by Mr. T (puts that book to the left and picks up next book and reads title). T and Me by George Prepard. (Puts that book to pile on the left and picks up the last book and reads the title). For The Last Time, I'm not Mr. T by Bing Rayems. (Clenches fist and shudders. Stewie is now seen in front of the couch looking wobbly and tired).
Lois: (Get's up) Oh Stewie are you ok? (Walks over to him).
Stewie: Must we make small talk everytime we pass? (Lois feels his forehead)
Lois: Ooh, you're burning up. Must be a reaction to the shots. I'll get you some baby asprin (walks off camera).
Stewie: (Get's up and looks in the direction she was walking in). What the devil are you talking about? You said the shots were suppose to make me healthly. (Brian looks over, smiles, and begins to laugh).
Brian: (Points to him) You actually believe Lois had them inject you with something to make you healthy? I, I mean you were already healthy right?
Stewie: Oh god, you're right! I was as pink as a pistol! (Brings hands toward mouth and realizes what he just said) Pink as a pistol? (Moves hands down) Good Lord, I can't even form a cojent (?) (moves hands to face) simile anymore! (Turns to Brian) What was in those needles?
Brian: I've already said too much. (Jumps off couch and walks over to Stewie, then past him off camera as we pan to Stewie)
Stewie: I should have known. Her treachery knows no limits (takes a step forward) I... I …(begns to stumble while he's walking) Getting dizzy… (stumbles a bit more, brings his head up) Fight it, Stewie… (brings it down. He brings his hand up shaking). You'll not go gentle in that good night… (tilts head forward again and raises hand up) to quote Bob Dylan. (falls down backwards and we pause here. He quickly sits up for a second). No, no Dylan Thomas. (and falls back down. Shot of Quahog golf club driving range as we move to the hitting area and Peter, Joe, Kevin and Cleveland enter).
Peter: Boys, I'm a miracle worker. I have used all my parenting skills to change my son from a lazy slacker (points to him on the field picking up balls) to a working man. (Chris gets hit quickly by a lot of balls).
Joe: Nice going, Peter.
Peter: Yeah, up yours Joe.
Joe: What?
Peter: Thanks. (Waves to Chris) Hey Chris!
Chris: (Waves back) Hey dad! I'm working, I'm workin- (gets hit by golfball right in the chin) ow! (Holds his chin)
Peter: (holds left hand cupped to face) Careful Chris, you don't get Dental for 60 days. ( A short man with acne comes on screen).
Short Man: (Points to Peter) You that Griffin's boy's father? (uses hand to point to himself) I'm Patty Tanager, the Caddy Manager. Yeah, it rhymes, big woop, wanna fight about it? Listen (extends arms a bit) you're son is the best ball shaggle we ever had. I sold twice as many buckets today because everybody wants to hit the fat kid. (Pan over to a business guy in a red coat talking to someone on his cell phone).
Business Guy: Lyn, cancel my afternoon meetings. I-I gotta hit more balls at this fat kid. (Pan over to the guys as Joe looks to Peter).
Joe: Peter, you mind if Kevin and I uh-
Peter: Nailed Chris? He'd be thrilled. (Pan over to Cleveland Junior, who is on one of the shooting areas and hits a golf ball pretty far.)
'Tanager: Hey, (points to Junior) this kid here just knocked the ball 300 yards! (people are crowding around Junior as he hits another one far. The people applaud and he jumps up and down)
Cleveland Junior: I'm Tiger Woods! I'm Tiger Woods! Whee! (Hits another ball pretty far. Pan back to Peter and Tanager).
Peter: Geez Cleveland, your kid's a natural. With a little help he could be a pro.
Cleveland: Oh Peter, I can't make Cleveland Junior sit still for anything. Sometimes (pulls his hands out) I wonder if he's got the ephiylepsly. But then I go and see what's on the T.V.
Peter: Well, maybe you're not a good a father as me, heh? I mean, (points backwards) look at what I did with Chris. I'm even better then that dad on Lost in Space. (Flashback to Lost in Space set. Dad, kid robot, couple and girl and mother figure are seen in a rocky alien terrain).
LOS Dad: We need to gather more information (walks away a bit and stops and but his hands on his hips) on this new planet. (Walks over to couple) Don, you take my 16 year old blonde daughter out in the chariot for the rest of the day. (walks over to the two other females) Penny, you stay here with me. (Walks over to boy and robot). And Will, you and the robot go out into the uncharted wilderness and take this mincing (pan out to reveal older man standing next to robot) boy hungry pedophile with you. (Flash back to present).
Cleveland: Cleveland Junior is beyond your skills. He won't respond to you.
Peter: Oh yeah? (motions to Cleveland Junior) Hey, hey, come here Cleveland Junior, hey, come to Peter. Cleveland: (also motions to Junior) Over here Cleveland Junior. (at the same time) come on come over here come to papa! (Junior walks over to Peter)
Peter: Huh huh? Come on you'll see. I'm gonna turn this kid into the greatest golfer ever.
Cleveland: Fine. (Walks off screen)
Tanager: How'd you get him to come to you?
Peter: (Holds up bottle) With this.
Tanager. Oh. (Him and peter look half eyed away, voice with emotion)
Peter: Love.
Tanager: Jealousy.
Peter: Touch.
Tanager: Forever.
Peter: Intense.
Tanager: Passion.
Both: (Whispering it) Obessison. Calven Klien. (Exterior shot of Griffin's house. We have a shot of Stewie in his bed, Lois looking worried standing next to him, and Brian reading a book on a chair on the left of Stewie's crib).
Lois: (Hands him cup of water) Drink this honey, it will bring your fever down. (He drinks a bit of it). I'm going to run you a cool bath. (walks off screen. Stewie waits until she's out of his line of vision and spits out the water).
Stewie: She's one of them, I'm sure of it. (Turns to Brian) Now tell me what they injected me with. (Brian is still reading book without looking up).
Brian: Huh, did you know Mr T. always wanted to be a broadway dancer?
Stewie: (curls fist up and puts them in the air) Answer me damn it! (Looks at him again) What have they done to me? (Brian looks away from the book and at Stewie).
Brian: Look (Get's off chair and holds book to the side) it could be any number of things. Gene manipulation, sterizillation. (Stewie is shocked)
Stewie: Not my seed!
Brian: (Looks at him closely) But from the look on you're pupils, I'd say it's some kind of mind control syrum. (pauses for a second then walks away smiling). Or not. (Stewie goes to the mirror in his crib and looks at himself).
Stewie: Mind Control? (Looks away) But I feel so lucive. (Mirror Stewie looks at him).
Mirror Stewie: Yes, you look spot on to me.
Stewie: Oh, why thank you. I try to work out.
Mirror Stewie: Oh, but who has the time (makes his hand a fist and moves it across a bit) besides trophy wives? (Stewie laughs at this).
Stewie: (Looking away from mirror) Yes that's rich. (Suddenley realizes who he's talking to (himself), shuts the mirror, and throws it at his cradle spinning toy ( a bunch of airplanes) that Stewie watch spin around and around and then turn into birds. A shocked Stewie sees the birds flock all across the room, and land right beside him on his doors and tables. The birds head then become those of Mr. T. )
Mr. T Bird: Didn't want to be a mean guy. Wanted to be a dancer (T- Bird raises wing, which signals the other birds to raise theirs, and soon they begin to dance around Stewie, who looks away and then grab onto the rail of his crib).
Stewie: Go away! (Makes shoong motion and falls off the crib and lands into some sort of ocean. He sinks and then resurfaces as the ocean begins to grow dark and the sky turns a purple magenta style of color. A giant fin appears in the water, which is revealed to be a Giant Lois Nose, that Stewie finds himself on, as it surfaces above the ocean and onto a black screen). YOU!
Giant Lois: I am taking your brain. (looks at him sideways) You are now my slave.
Stewie: Nooooooooo! (Falls off the nose and in to the sky, which is now purple magenta again, and falls into the ocean again. Regular Lois and Meg appear).
Meg: Why is freaking out like that?
Lois: Oh, he's having a little hallucination from the fever (A shot of Stewie in the tub, struggling against the water is shown). Just like when you were 3 and you accidently ate those adult brownies I was saving for the Doobie Brothers concert. (Shot of Golf Course again, as we see Chris taunt the hitters by making faces at them, then turning around as the balls hit, being protected by a giant pillow wrapped around his back. Laughs at them again as we see Cleveland Junior (with golf club) and Peter, on the course).
Cleveland Junior: I'm gonna be on a cereal box! (Jumps up and down) Honeycomb pig! (turns around) Yeah Yeah Yeah! (turns around again) It's not small. (Turns around again) No No No!
Peter: (Puts hand on Junior's arm) Alright, now pay attention, junior. Now you wanna keep your shoulders straight (demonstrates this) and you're knees bent (demonstrates this as well). And, uh, (close up on the two) just once, uh, for me, would, would you call me Mr. Drummond?
(Shot of Chris picking up balls as Tanager appears from under the bush in a secret metal pipe).

Tanager: Hey, Griffin down here! (Chris looks at him as he opens it all the way) Yeah it's a secret tunnel like in Hogan's Heroes, no big woop (makes fists) wanna fight about it? (takes check out of shirt) Anyway here's your first week's pay.
Chris: (Takes the money and holds it in the air) All right Chris! (Runs up to Peter and Junior who are boarding a golf cart) Dad! Dad, look-
Peter: (Waves to him) That's great Chris, but I'm trying to be a good father here. (looks at junior) I'm real proud of you champ, let's get a milkshake.
Cleveland Junior: You got it Mr. Drummond. (The two drive off as Chris waves at them, looking sad. A shot of the exterior of Quagmire's house, as a young blonde female wearing a mail outfit comes to the door and rings it. Quagmire answers in nothng but his boxers.)
Mail Girl: Package for Glen Quagmire. (Quagmire turns his head slowly and looks at her)
Quagmire: Oh, uh excuse me. (Goes back inside and closes door. Opens door wearing nothing). I've got a package for you too. All Right! (Mail Girl takes mace out of her pocket and sprays it at him, but it dosen't effect him) Nice try, but I've built up an immunity. (Quagmire puts a robe on as the girl exits and drives off in the express car she came in. He runs past Chris, who is sitting on the sidewalk, looking sad. Quagmire notices him.) Hey, what's wrong kid?
Chris: My dad doesn't care about me anymore.
Quagmire: Oh, well. (takes one hand out of robe pocket and kind of points at Chris) Hey, at least you had a dad. When I was growing up, it was just me and my mom. (Flashback of baby Quagmire and his mom. Baby Quagmire is crying).
Quagmire's Mom: Oh, look's like somebody's hungry. (Lifts up shirt and prepares to breast feed him. Baby Quagmire looks at this).
Baby Quagmire: All right. (Sucks on the breasts a bit before we flash back to the present, where Chris is in Quagmire's house and Quagmire has changed his clothes into a white pants , white shirt, tan jacket get up).
Chris: I just wanted him to be proud of me. (Quagmire enters from the back room) I even got a job.
Quagmire: Well there's your problem. Jobs are for suckers. You just need to know how to have a good time. (Grabs him by the arm) Come on. (Cut to Quagmire and Chris in his car (his bumper license is Bushman) driving until they see a blonde woman on the left side of the street. Quagmire pulls over and looks at Chris). Go ahead kid, try it out.
Chris: Uh, excuse me you dropped something. (looks to see if she dropped something) My jaw. (She looks disgusted at him) Heh heh, heh oh right. (Quagmire drives off)
Quagmire: Heh, nice going. (he doesn't notice they're driving into a metal pole, and they end up smacking into it and activating the air bags: which are two blowup dolls that put their thong right by your face). Heh, all right.
Chris: (At same time) All right.
(A shot of the bowling alley, as we see Quagmire walking with the ball and rolling it, getting a strike).
Quagmire: Oh! (A trio squad of females applaud his strike and he bows and blows a kiss to them. One of the girls (the short black haired one) ties up her bowling shoes and walks onto the alley, putting her regular shoes in her bag. Quagmire takes the bag and takes out the shoe (a pink pump) and sniffs it). Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhohooh! (Passes it to Chris, who sniffs it).
Chris: Oh. (Shot of them driving along a path) I don't think I like feet as much as you do.
Quagmire: (Notices something) Hey, everybody likes feet. Come on the party's just starting.
(They pull up to a beach where you can see guys and girls on the surf. Quagmire runs off and takes of his shirt. Chris follows as the song begins to play).
Beach People: (Singing and dancing on surf boards) I'm gonna grab my girl and head to the beach (The word Hic appears on screen) Hic-a-doo-la! (as do a doo and la) We're gonna all hang ten (shot focuses on female thong) and maybe then Hic-a-doo-la (The words appear on the screen again).
Guys: (While holding surfboards with three girls on them) Cause I'm a Hic-a-doo-la guy.
Girls: And I'm a Hic-a-doo-la girl.
Guys and Girls: And together it is a Hic-a-doo-la world. Hic-a-doo-la! (Words appear on screen) (Shot of Chris and Quagmire dancing on surfboard's with a female).
Chris: Mr. Quagmire, what does Hic-a-doo-la mean? (Everyone stops and looks at Chris)
Everyone: What does Hic-a-doo-la mean?
Beach Guy One: Well, Hic-a-doo la's the special feeling you get from holding hands with you're best gal.
Beach Girl One: It's cheering real loud for the home team!
Beach Guy Two: It's hitting the perfect wave!
Adult Beach Goer: (Who looks like he's going to go sailing) It's obeying all the rules (The group of kids look at him)
Group Of Kids: No Way! (The camerea goes back and forth with a crazy sound affect. The Group of kids grab him and run with him to the ocean (in one shot they seem to be going backwards, but then go forwards again, then back again, then forward, then back, then finally forward) and throw the guy into the sea. He spits up some water and looks at the kids. Shot over to Brian and Chris, each with a beach girl.)
Quagmire: Hey, are we in Tieminamn, (Bobs his head back and forth) 'cause I see a square.
(Girls are now on the guys shoulders as the final Hic-a-doo-la goes across the screen with everyone singing to it. Quagmire bobs his head twice. Shot of the golf course as Junior puts in another ball).
Peter: Ah, great shot, Cleveland Junior.
Junior: Thanks Mr Drummond.
Peter: Listen, uh, for today, can you call me Mr. Popadopolis?
Junior: You got it (Sinks in another ball).
Peter: (Folds his hands a bit) And would ya hate me if I called you Webster?
Junior: (Looks at him angrily) That's the line!
Peter: Oh, sorry. (Tom Tucker comes from off screen right).
Tom Tucker: Hi, Tom Tucker, local news anchor and on my days off, golf enthuaist. You know the club's having a man-boy golf tournament and you two should enter.
Peter: A tournament huh? (Scratches his chin) That gives me an idea (Motions for Tom) Come on, I'll explain in the car. (Peter and Tom run to Peter's car. They shut the door and Peter opens his hand) This is the perfect way to show my friends what a great father figure I've been to Cleveland Junior. I'll do it! (They exit the car. A shot of a strip club with the sign Fuzzy Clam and a door man as we see young ladies riding the poles and Chris and Quagmire just entering).
Chris: Where should we sit?
Quagmire: Uh, that's not up to me kid. (Points at his pants) I follow the old divining rod.
(Gets pulled very quickly to the right, then pulled around Chris and into the lower right, then the left. A Brown haired stripper comes up to Chris).
Stripper One: How old are you? (goes to touch Chris's cheek)
Chris: Old enough to know you're a whore. (She pulls him off to the right. Meanwhile, another stripper (blonde this time) is by Quagmire, wearing a coat which she quickly takes off.)
Quagmire: Woah! (As he says this, money falls out of his pockets. She then turns and removes her skirt) Woah hah hah! (More money falls out as she shakes it for him) Woah hah hah hah hah hah! (Meanwhile, stripper one is on one of the poles, her butt to Chris)
Stripper One: Come on, (smacks her butt) talk to me, sweetie. (bends over with her head between her legs) You look a little down. (then pulls her head back up)
Chris: I always thought I'd go to my first nudie bar with my dad, but he doesn't have time for me.
Stripper One: Well, Sweetie (faces other way) part of growing up is learning adults aren't perfect. (closeup of face as she starts to take her top off and swings it a bit). Come on, your dad deserves another chance.
Chris: Wow! You are smart (Back at Quagmire, he's staring at Stripper Two and pulls out his wallet) Heh heh, all right. (realizes nothing's there) No, no it's not alright. I'm out of cash. Hey, do you take bank cards?
Stripper 2: Sure. (Wipes the bank card across her ass. She gasps and looks at him angrily).
Quagmire: Can I get stamps too? (She slaps him. Shot of The Man-Boy Tournament, as Tom is in the foreground and Peter in crew are in the background).
Tom: We're here at the 17th hole where Peter Griffin and Cleveland Junior are 5 strokes ahead, making victory all but a certainty. (Is shown peeing behind a bush and walking off. Junior sinks another hole, and the people slightly cheer).
Peter: I told ya I could mold your son into champion. He's gonna be my greatest victory ever, except for the time I defeated my evil twin. (Flashback to top of city building, where Lois is holding a gun in front of two Peters.)
Peter 1: Not me Lois, Shoot him. I'm the real Peter. (Lois switches gun back and forth)
Lois: I don't know.
Peter 2: Lois, look at me, you know your own husband, don't you? (Lois closes one eye and shoots Peter 1. The gun smokes and she drops it to the floor. Peter 2 walks over to her). Thank god, you made the right choice hunny. (goes to hug her. His face reveals to be metal for a second, but quickly switches to normal).
Lois: What was that?
Peter 2: (Turns to her) Nothing. (Flash to the Present)
Peter: (Pats Cleveland Junior) One more hole and that man-boy trophy is ours. Here you go little buddy. (Tosses him the golfball, which he knees back and forth like a soccer player).
Junior: Hey, look at me, I'm Pelle, I'm Pelle! (laughs and runs away from the tournament) Goal! (Laughs some more and is now out of sight).
Peter: What the hell's he doing? (The others laugh at him).
Cleveland: He's gone. Maybe you better stick to looking after you're own son. (they laugh again and walk out to the right. Peter gives a sad face. Cut to at night and Peter is hitting balls at the pratice spot. He looks right and sees Chris enter, carrying a basket of balls. Peter moves one over as Chris takes a shot. Peter scoots over another spot and turns around, hitting the balls at the parking lot now, breaking a car window and setting of an alarm. Chris smiles and turns around too, and hits another ball, this time at a lady. Peter moves over a spot).
Guy: (Offscreen) Oh my god!
Guy 2: Offscreen) Is she dead? (Peter smiles at Chris).
Guy 1: No, I think she's still alive (Peter hits another golfball at the lot). No, That did it. (Both of them are hitting golfballs now, as we pan out to see the women hit and the ambulance arrive, getting the stretcher out).