If I'm Dyin' I'm Lyin'

Theme Song
Lois: We need to talk abo-
Peter: Not now. The show's about to start.
Announcer: Bryant Gumbel, Greg Gumbel: brothers, bike cops. "Gumbel 2 Gumbel: Beach Justice."
[Rock music playing]
Greg Gumbel: You talk to Matt Lauer lately?
Bryant Gumbel: Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. Played 18 holes with him on Saturday. Told him he was soft in the Arafat
interview.
Greg Gumbel: Oh. I like Matt.
Bryant Gumbel: Me, too.
Woman: [screams] My purse!
Bryant Gumbel: Come on, Greg. Let's roll.
[Dramatic instrumental music]
[People screaming]
Bryant Gumbel: Taste that? That's the taste of beach justice.
Peter: Lois, are you crazy?
Chris: Yeah, me and Dad haven't missed a Gumbel 2 Gumbel yet.
Lois: Well, you're gonna miss this one, young man. His report card came today. No more TV until your grades
improve. Now get upstairs and study.
Peter: Don't worry. I'll talk to her. After I get a little bit of courage from my old friend, Mr. Jack Daniels. [reaches for shot glass, then picks up phone] "Mrs. Daniels? MRS. DANIELS?!? Is Jack in? What? Oh, my God! When? Oh, I am so sorry." Poor old Jack. He was a wise man, but he just loved playing with that wheat thresher. Always playing with that wheat thresher!
Lois: Honey, hold still and let me bathe you. You're filthy.
Stewie: I'm filthy? I'm filthy?!? You're the filthy one. What do you say to that? How dare you!
Lois: [Sighs]
Peter: Hey, Stewie, I see your bum.
Stewie: Oh, take a good look, fat man. And while you're at it, take pictures so I'll have something to bring to court, you wretched, filthy pervert.
Peter: Hey, Lois, give Chris a break. I mean, no TV? So he failed a class. It's not like he felt up his cousin in the garage that Thanksgiving when I was 19.
Lois: Peter, I want you to help Chris. Kids do better when parents take an interest in their schoolwork. I saw that on a two-part report on Dateline Tuesday and Dateline Gatilsday.
Peter: What the hell is Gatilsday?
Lois: Oh, NBC invented a new day so they could add another Dateline.
Peter: But the Gumbel show is sacred to us. Bryant and Greg have the kind of father-son relationship I want me and Chris to have someday.
Lois: Peter, Bryant and Greg Gumbel are brothers.
Peter: Oh, nice, Lois. Just because they're black, we can't learn anything from them?
Lois: Look-if Chris gets his homework done, you can watch it together next week. Now come on. Help me get the house ready for my mother. She's coming to visit for exactly one week.
[at front door]
Lois: Bye, Mom.
Peter: Sheesh. What a week that was, huh?
Peter: Okay, come on, let's watch the Gumbels.
Lois: Peter, I thought we agreed, no TV until his homework is done.
Chris: Mom, I'll do it after...
Peter: Chris finished his homework. In fact, I've been helping him study every night this week.
Lois: Really? Well, that's great. Enjoy your show, boys.
Peter: You bet we will. Tonight, Katie Couric guest stars as a very perky crack whore.
Chris: Hey, Dad? When you said, "Chris finished his homework," were you talking about me? Because if you were, I think you just lied to Mom.
Peter: Chris, everything I say is a lie, except that and that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that.
Tom Tucker: This is an Action News 5 News Break. I'm Tom Tucker.
Diane Simmons: And I'm Diane Simmons. Tom has dared me to do the news topless. I've got the goods, but have I got the guts? Find out at 11:00.
Tom Tucker: And if you're settling in to watch Gumbel 2 Gumbel, you're out of luck. That show has been canceled. The full story, and maybe Diane's boobs, tonight at 11:00.
Peter: I can't believe this!
Chris: I feel sick.
Peter: Only one thing to do, Chris. We gotta save Gumbel 2 Gumbel, and we're gonna do it Griffin 2 Griffin. Let's roll!
Chris: I'm with ya, Dad. What do are we going to do, write a letter?
Peter: No, no, I tried that once. It got me in a lot of trouble.
[Peter writing at kitchen table]
Peter: "If you don't put 'Coach' back on the air, I'll be really upset. The skillful acting of Craig T. Nelson will be missed a lot. Signed, Peter Griffin."
Lois: Peter, come help me with the groceries.
Peter: Okay, honey.
[White-out bottle falls over, leaving letter reading "If you don't put 'Coach' back on the air, I'll kill Craig T. Nelson. Signed, Peter Griffin"]
[Ominous instrumental music]
[Doorbell rings]
Peter: Craig T. Nelson!
Craig T. Nelson: Are you Peter Griffin?
Peter: Yeah.
Craig T. Nelson: Make it quick.
[Cheery instrumental music]
Peter: Okay, Chris, we're gonna get our show back on the air and were not gonna be intimidated by any slick executive types. Ooh, look at Mr. Suave.
Receptionist: Wait. You can't go in there.
Peter: Just watch me!
Receptionist: No, I mean you can't go in there, because that door leads nowhere. Use the door next to it.
Peter: All right, Callaghan, me and my son want you to uncancel Gumbel 2 Gumbel.
Mr. Callaghan: Well, sir, we only air the show. We have nothing to do with it being canceled. I have all the episodes on tape. Would you like to borrow them?
Peter: Okay, you bastard, you want to play rough? Until you bring the Gumbels back, I am going on a hunger strike. How about that, Callaghan? Can you live with that on your conscience? Huh? You gonna eat that stapler?
Mr. Callaghan: Well, you can't eat a stapler...
Peter: Wanna split it?
[in station hallway]
Peter: Sorry, Chris. Me and my damn appetite! This isn't the first time it's gotten me in to trouble.
[Peter reveals hiding place of Anne Frank's family to the Nazis by eating chips while the SS is in the house]
[Exciting music plays on TV]
Dirk Bandit: And in gridiron news, little Johnny Gobraun, a terminally ill 8-year-old boywho dreamed of playing quarterback for New England, got his wish today, thanks to the Grant-a-Dream foundation.
Announcer: Gobraun takes the snap and fades back to pass. Here comes the rush. Oh, he's sacked!
[Playful instrumental music]
[Laughing]
Dirk Bandit: Looks like little Johnny should've wished for some blocking!
Peter: Chris, I just thought of a way to get the Gumbels back on the air.
Chris: All right, Dad!
Peter: All we gotta do is tell a little white lie. Just go with it. [dials phone] "Is this the Grant-a-Dream foundation? My son Chris is dying!"
Chris: Holy crap, no! Oh, my God!
Peter: That was the lie.
Chris: Oh, you sly boots.
[Cheery instrumental music]
Chris: Are you sure this will work?
Peter: Chris, this is just another one of your crazy schemes.
Chris: This whole thing was your idea!
Peter: You'll find out.
Chris: Dad, you're not making any sense!
Peter: You just leave that to me.
Harris: Ah, yes. Here we go. Chris Griffin. Your dying wish is denied. Thank you!
Peter: Wait a minute. My son only has a short time to live. All he wants is his favorite show back on TV. How can you say no?
Harris: Mr. Griffin, everyone thinks their dying child is special. But these days, people who donate money to our foundation demand a little more bang for their buck. We need sick kids we can package. You know, like that one we put on Hollywood Squares.
Contestant: I'll take the dying boy to block.
Host: Okay. Jeremy, is there anything lower than absolute zero?
Jeremy: Uh, yeah. My white-cell count.
[Audience laughing]
Peter: I'm telling you, Chris is dying ten times worse than those other kids. He's got a very rare disease called tumor-syphilis-itis-osis.
Harris: Sounds sexy. What are the symptoms?
Peter: What are the symptoms? Take a look! He's growing nipples all over his body!
Harris: They look like pepperonis.
Peter: Who do you think you are? My son happens to be very sensitive about his extra nipples. See, look. They're coming right off. Nipples shouldn't just come off like that.
Harris: Why, that's the sickest boy I've ever seen! Get me the president of television!
[Spectacular instrumental music]
Man 1: How about this? A single white girl in the city working at a magazine!
ALL: Yeah, that's good. That's at least a twelve share.
Man 2: Do you guys hear yourselves? This is the same old crap over and over again. We need to take a chance. Try something different. Something fresh.
Receptionist: Excuse me.
Executive: No calls!
Receptionist: It's about a dying boy.
Executive: Hello? Well, what's he got? Sounds sexy. Get me exclusive rights to his death and you got a deal.
Harris: Well, congratulations, Gumbel 2 Gumbel is back on the air!
Chris: All right, Dad!
Harris: Mr. Griffin, I'm sorry we had to meet under these circumstances.
Peter: Are you kidding? I may see you again. I got two more kids at home, and I've always wanted to see some new episodes of Star Trek.
[Cheery instrumental music]
Lois: Stewie, it's bath time. You're filthy again.
Stewie: I'll show you filthy! Yes, look at me! I'm a dirty, foul little boy! I'm a nasty, squalid little hobo! I say, Mother, you have your work cut out for you now, don't you?
Lois: Okay, if you want to be dirty, be dirty.
Stewie: Where do you think you're going? I've defiled myself. I need to be cleaned! Aah!
Peter: There you go, kiddo. All clean.
Stewie: Blast! I'm frozen! I'm hypothermic! Bloody hell, I'm a woman!
Mr. McCloud: Take out your pencils and start your test.
Chris: Uh, Mr. McCloud, I didn't study for the test, but I got a good reason. I'm dying.
Mr. McCloud: Griffin, that's the lamest excuse I've heard since Steinberg's Jewish High Holiday crap. Steinberg! Take that hat off in my classroom!
Chris: But Mr. McCloud, I'm really dying. I have a certificate to prove it.
Mr. McCloud: My God! Tumor-syphilis-itis-osis! And he still comes into school! You're excused from the test, you brave, brave boy. Steinberg, you can learn something from this fine young...damn it, Steinberg! Take that hat off!
Meg: Dad, Marcy Gibbons just called and she heard that Chris is dying! [crying]
Peter: [Laughing] Your brother's okay. That was just a little white lie me and Chris came up with to save a TV show.
Meg: So, he's not going to die?
Peter: No! [Laughing] Boy, your face was priceless when you thought he was. [Pretending to cry]
Brian: You're a monster.
Peter: Hey, Chris was in on the whole thing. Anyway, it's over and done with.
[Guitar playing folk music]
Peter: What the hell is that?
Singers: ? Oh, dyin' boy of Quahog? ?Chris Griffin, you're so brave? ?There's a smile on your face and a bounce in your step? ?as they dig your grave? ?as they dig your grave. ?
Lois: Do I hear singing?
Peter: Nope! No singing. Just us watching another hilarious episode of Good Times. You know, the sitcom that's funnier when you play it really loud.
JJ: Maxine is the lady who's feeling all right, thanks to the magic of Kid Dynomite!
[Audience laughing on TV]
James: Junior, where you been? Dinner was three hours ago!
Florida: Oh, forget him, James. He's an idiot!
JJ: Mama, what's wrong with you?
Florida: What's wrong with me? My name is Florida! Florida! That's the name of a state! Why is my name Florida? [crying] Oh, Lord!
JJ: Dynomite!
Lois: That is singing. Peter, there's a candlelight vigil on our front lawn.
Peter: Lois, that's ridiculous. There's nobody out there. You must be seeing things.
Lois: Peter, why are these people here?
Chris: ?As they dig my grave, as they dig my grave? Hey, Dad, they're singing a song about me! Oh, hi, Mom.
[Doorbell rings]
Harris: Hello, Mr. Griffin. We just came by to see if your son's taken a media-friendly turn for the worse.
Peter: No. Everything's fine. Thanks for checking. Bye-bye.
Harris: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Mr. Griffin, the foundation held up its end of the bargain and got that crappy Gumbel show back on the air! You owe us a body!
Lois: What?
Peter: Uh, excuse me for a minute.
Lois: You pretended Chris was dying to save a TV show? You're a monster!
Brian: Thank you.
Lois: Peter. You tell that man the truth!
Peter: Uh, just out of curiosity...
Harris: Shoot.
Peter: What happens if he's not really dying?
Harris: You go to jail for defrauding a charitable organization.
Peter: Oh, that's interesting. Will you excuse us? You're right! There's only one way out of this! Chris is all better! I cured him!
Harris: You cured him?
Peter: That's right. I have divine powers! Okay. Safe drive. Well, what do you have to say to that? I'm not going to jail, Chris doesn't have to die, and best of all, Gumbel 2 Gumbel is back on the air.
Lois: Oh, you're a great role model, Peter. What kind of man devalues the life of his child for a TV show?
Peter: Lois, anyone who wouldn't pretend their own son is dying to get the Gumbels back on TV is a racist. There, I said it.
[Cheery instrumental music]
Woman: It's him! It's Peter Griffin! The miracle healer of Quahog! Oh, heal me, O great one!
Lois: You see what your lies have gotten youe? They think you're some kind of healer.
Peter: I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.
Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?
Peter: Oh, yeah.
Lois: Peter, these poor, deluded people think you have divine powers.
Man 1: Praise Peter!
Woman 1: We are your servants.
Woman 2: It's a miracle!
Man 2: What would you have us do, O great healer of Quahog?
Peter: Well, there's really no need to do anythi-paint my house.
Lois: Peter, it's bad enough to lie to your family, but how can you let these people think you're a healer? This is pure exploitation.
Peter: No, it's not. Those films my cousin Rufus used to do were pure exploitation.
Announcer: From the cats who brought you Caddyblack, Blackdraft and Black Kramer v. Kramer, comes a funky flick so bad you gonna say, "Damn, that's funky."
[Funk music playing]
Rufus Griffin: Oh, you out of time, baby.
Pimp: Damn!
Announcer: Rufus Griffin stars in Black to the Future. We talking Marty McSuperfly, dig?
Lorraine: Marty, I want to be your fine, sweet-ass bitch.
Pimp: Damn! Brother done kissed his mama!
[Playing funk music]
Announcer: Oh, yeah.
Man: Get me Isaac Hayes. Isaac, you know that new sound you been looking for? Well, listen to this!
Peter: Come on, Lois. Stop being such a stick in the mud. Look, I'm giving these saps hope. And I'm getting the house painted for free. It's win-freakin'-win, baby.
[Cheery instrumental music]
Peter: Hey, flathead, chop-chop.
Man: [Exclaiming]
Man 2: [Sighing]
Peter: Hey, great job on the lawn. Now do it again, and this time leave it a little longer.
Chris: Hey, Dad. Hurry up. You're missing Gumbel 2 Gumbel. They caught the guy, and now they're interviewing him.
Bryant Gumbel: Purse snatching: society's fault, or one man's cry for help?
Robber: What are you talking about? I wanted her freakin' money.
Bryant Gumbel: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Robber: What the hell's wrong with him?
Bryant Gumbel: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Peter: Some other time, Chris. Now, where's my shoes?
[Sighing]
Lois: Peter, these people are worshipping you. Don't you think there's someone who might resent that? A being who's all-knowing and all-powerful?
Peter: Well, someone's got a pretty high opinion of herself.
Lois: Not me, Peter. God. The real God.
Peter: Look, what's the big deal? So I told a little fib, and now people think I'm God. I mean, when did God ever say He didn't want someone else being worshipped like Him?
Lois: It's one of the Ten Commandments.
Peter: Oh, come on, Lois. Those were written, like, 200 years ago. Times have changed!
Lois: [screams]
Peter: Okay, let's stay calm.
Peter: Ah, Lois, if you're scared, I'll hold you close until the lights are on again.
Chris: Dad, it's me.
Peter: Go to your room.
Lois: Well, that's the last of them. I still don't know how every light bulb could go out at the same time. Oh, my God.
Peter: Yes?
Lois: Peter, that's not funny. Those fanatics are building a golden idol of you on our lawn.
Peter: Wow, I look like a freakin' Emmy. Hint-hint.
Brian: Ah! Damn it to hell! This is embarrassing. I seem to have fleas.
Lois: That's never happened before.
Chris: Morning.
Peter: Geez, Chris, puberty hit you like a ton of bricks.
Chris: What do you mean? Ah!
Lois: Don't you see what's happening?
Peter: Of course I do, Lois. Our fresh-faced little boy is becoming a pock-marked, hideously disfigured man.
Sunrise. Sunset.
Brian: No, no, no, Peter. The light bulbs last night, my fleas, Chris' pimples. They're just like darkness, gadflies, and boils. Three of the plagues God visited upon Egypt when the Pharaoh angered him in the Old Testament.
Peter: Oh, come on, Brian, there's a logical explanation for all those things. There was a power surge, you don't bathe, and Chris has had acne problems since the fourth grade. Ah, the kids were all calling him Crisco and Pizza Face and Rootin'-Tootin' Raspberry. Remember, Chris?
Chris: Now I do. [Crying]
Meg: [screams]
Lois: Meg, what's wrong?
Meg: I was giving Stewie a bath, and...and....
Peter: Trust me, Meg, at his age, it's strictly involuntary.
Meg: No! The water, it turned all red and goopy, like blood!
Lois: Blood?
Stewie: How positively delightful. It's as if someone stabbed Mr. Bubble!
Lois: My baby! Get out there and tell those people the truth. Make them stop worshipping you before it starts hailing in my house!
Peter: There's gotta be an explanation for all this!
Brian: You want an explanation? God. Is. Pissed!
Peter: Ah! Let's get out of here!
[Eerie instrumental music] [Sinister instrumental music]
Peter: Stop it! Stop it! Stop worshipping me! I'm just a big fake, like the moon landing and Marky Mark's hog in Boogie Nights, and Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman! Oh, I don't mean that completely untrue gay rumor. They're just both really phony, just like me. I'm sorry, okay? Now make it stop.
[All screaming]
Brian: Peter, this is the final plague!
Peter: Good, 'cause this is starting to get really old.
Brian: Peter, the final plague is the death of the first-born son.
Peter: Oh, no! Stewie!
Brian: The first-born son.
Peter: Meg.
Brian: Your wife.
Peter: Chris!
Lois: Chris!
Peter: Oh, my God. Are you okay?
Chris: Hey, Dad, I can see a white light at the end of a long tunnel.
Peter: Oh, that's great, son. Light is good. Run towards the light.
Lois: No, Chris, no! Run away from the light!
Chris: Hey, Dad, do you think they got Gumbel 2 Gumbel in heaven?
Peter: Yes, son, and there's no reruns or commercials, and Kirstie Alley is still hot and all those scrambled channels come in clear as a bell. Please don't take him, God. I'm sorry.
Angel: Sir, we think the Griffin guy gets it.
God: Good, good. Peggy, turn off the plagues, please.
Peggy: Yes, sir, Mr. Patterson.
God: She's new.
[Awe-inspiring instrumental music]
Brian: I think the plagues went away.
Chris: So did the white light.
Lois: Oh, honey!
Peter: Thank God! I mean, thank me! Kidding! It was a joke! It was a joke! Ah!
[Frog croaking]
[closing theme music]