Holy Crap

Theme Song
Doctor: Mrs. Lipstein, I have bad news. The tumor is malignant. I'm afraid you only have six months to live.
Woman: Oh, my God!
Announcer: Got milk?
Peter: Hey, listen up, everybody. Your Grandpa Griffin is finally retiring.
Meg: Grandpa Griffin?
Chris: Is he that guy who smells like firewood and has those big gray pussywillows in his ears?
Lois: Chris, that's a terrible word. "Pussywillows."
Peter: My dad worked at that mill for 60 years. That's almost 80 years. Tomorrow night they're throwing a big dinner, and we're all going to be there to honor him.
Meg: Why? We barely know him.
Chris: Yeah. How come he never visits us?
Lois: Well, kids, your grandfather has never been comfortable with the fact that I'm not Catholic.
[Church bells ringing]
Peter: Hey, hey, hey, Dad loves all of us. He's just too busy working to show it. He's been that way ever since I was a kid.
Man: And now the winners of the father-son three-legged race: First place, Bobby Hamill and his dad. Second place, Jimmy Lawson and his dad. Third place, Peter Griffin and a stalk of corn.
Peter: Now that he's retiring, me and him can finally spend some time together. I want us to have one of those father-son moments, like on TV. You know, where we hug and the music goes la-la-la.
[band playing sentimental music]
Peter: Thanks, boys. Just like that.
Brian: Hey, can you guys do that fluttery thing, like when the Brady kids run down the stairs?
[Band playing fluttery music]
Cindy Brady: I don't want to tattle. But is Bobby really a doctor?
[Trombone sputtering]
Meg: Mom, I can't eat. I'm too grossed out by Grandpa's ears.
Chris: I know. They're like a big, gray, enchanted forest.
Lois: Kids, your grandfather's ears are not gross. And they are certainly not an enchanted forest.
Ear creature 1: [High-pitched noise] ["Let us run to the meadow and dance."]
Ear creature 2: [High-pitched noise] ["You first. I'm self-conscious."]
Man: [blows noisemaker] But seriously, tonight we here at Pawtucket Mill celebrate the career of our oldest and most dedicated employee, Francis Griffin. Francis?
[Applause] [Whistling]
Francis: At mass this morning, it occurred to me that I may never see any of your faces again. I just want to say that Jesus loves you. But in my eyes, you're a bunch of sinners and slackers who forced a hard-working old man to retire. So you can take this shiny watch and shove it.
[Gasping]
Stewie: I adore this man!
Peter: That was some speech, Dad.
Lois: Yes. It's a shame Grandma wasn't there to hear it.
Francis: Bless her heart. She's on another one of her prayer missions in Las Vegas.
Peter's Mom: Hit me, you five-card stud. [Hacking cough] Cocktail!
Francis: Aye, she's a rose. It's a pity you couldn't find yourself a nice Irish Catholic girl, Peter.
Lois: Oh ho ho. Francis, this must be embarrassing for you. I'm in the car.
Peter: Dad, now that you're retired, you're coming to stay with us. No more excuses. I'm putting my foot down.
[Brakes screeching]
Peter: Brian, buckle up. What do you say, Dad?
Francis: I don't want to be a bother.
Peter: It's no bother, is it, Lois?
Lois: Of course not. It'll be fun.
Francis: You're a good woman, Lois. Perhaps you won't burn in Hell after all. Maybe you'll just go to purgatory with all the unbaptized babies.
Peter: Hey, there you go, Lois. You love kids.
Peter: Look at that. Dad's reading Stewie to sleep, just like he never did for me.
Francis: <reading Bible> "So God cast the pagans and sinners into the fiery bowels of Hell, where their flesh burned in agony forever and ever." The end. Ah, children love a good bedtime story from the Bible.
Stewie: Yes, charming. Like when God told Abraham to kill Isaac.
Isaac: Hey!
Francis: [yawning] That was a lovely service, Francis.
Meg: Super. And only three more hours till school.
Chris: I didn't even know there was a 5:00 a.m. Mass. I didn't even know there was a 5:00 a.m. What else haven't you told me?
Stewie: You know, I rather like this God fellow. He's very theatrical, you know. A pestilence here and a plague there. Omnipotence! Got to get me some of that.
Peter: Yes. We all enjoy the Bible in this house.
Francis: Really? What's your favorite book of the Bible?
Peter: Uh, that one where Jesus swallows the puzzle piece and the man in the big yellow hat has to take him to the hospital.
Francis: [Knocking] Open this door! Open it, I say!
[Toilet flushes]
Chris: Sorry, Grandpa. Uh, you might want to give that a minute or two.
Francis: I know what you're doing in there, and it's a sin! If you ever do it again, you'll burn in Hell!
Chris: But I do it every day. Sometimes twice.
Francis: Mark my words, lad. You may think you're alone in there, but God's watching. Don't do it again!
Chris: God's watching me do number two? Oh, man. I'm a sinner, and God's a pervert.
Francis: Megan! How was school?
Meg: Good. Kevin walked me home.
Francis: Kevin?
Meg: He lives next door.
Francis: He lives next door to a harlot!
Meg: Grandpa, we were just holding hands.
Francis: Well, it'll be easy for him to take your hand when God strikes your sinful heart with leprosy. He can take it right home with him! Lord, it's great to see you kids.
[almost but not quite the theme from The Dick Van Dyke Show plays]
Lois: Francis, we were watching that.
Francis: Well, I'll tell you how it ends. Laura burns the roast, and God kills her for parading her bum around in those pants!
[Baseball organ music playing]
Peter: Yeah, not a bad way to kick off your retirement, huh, Dad? Yeah, the magic of baseball has brought fathers and sons together for millions of years.
Francis: [mutters]
Peter: Stewie's having fun.
Stewie: Why does that man drop his club before he runs around? I would bring it with me.
Peter: Hey, who wants a Fenway frank? Nothing says, "Please talk to me, Daddy," like a Fenway frank.
Chris: Is there a bathroom here? I don't think I can wait anymore.
Francis: In a public restroom, lad? For the good of your soul, show some restraint.
Peter: Hey, hot dog guy!
Francis: I'll get him.
Peter: Oh, no, no, Dad, they bring them to you.
Francis: Well, la-di-da. I don't need my food brought to me. I'm not a broken-down old mule! I can still work! I can still take orders!
Peter: Oh, hey! Hey, look! Hey, Dad! Hey, Dad, look! Hey, Dad! Dad! Aw, crap. That was money well-spent.
Lois: He just left without saying anything? Where would he go?
Peter: I don't know. I asked him to buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks.
Brian: I don't care if he ever gets back. I wasn't being cute. I really hope he's dead.
Diane Simmons: Well, Tom, the city of Boston is examining its conscience tonight in preparation for a visit from the Pope.
Tom Tucker: That's right, Diane. And I'll tell you what else will be examined, this cock. Yes, the Rhode Island Cock Society will be sponsoring free check-ups for this year's Cock Awareness Week. I don't know why they went with such a suggestive name. They could've just as easily gone with "rooster." Diane?
Peter: I'm telling you. Something must've happened to him. He's probably hurt, or lost, or shanghaied by pirates! That renegade pirate ship captained by the ruthless Peg Leg Swantoon!
[Phone ringing]
Lois: Peter, calm down. It's his first night of retirement. He's probably out enjoying himself.
Brian: He's in jail.
Peter: Dad, my God, are you okay?
Francis: Don't be using the Lord's name in vain!
Peter: He's okay! Thank God!
Cop: It seems he broke into the old mill after hours. We found him working at a kick press.
Peter: Dad, you left the ball game with me to go work in a mill?
Francis: Yes! I want to work! I want my job back!
Peter: But, Dad, you're retired.
Francis: I'd rather be dead.
Vaudville Tumbler: Dead? I'll tell you what's dead. Vaudeville. You know what killed it? The talkie pictures. But you can still make it, kid. You just need a gimmick. I, for one, am a tumbler. Here, watch my round-off. Hey, kiddo, be a sport. Take the pills out of my pocket and put one under my tongue.
Peter: I don't get it, Lois. Baseball's always been the secret to male bonding. It even worked for Rosie O'Donnell and his father in A League of Their Own.
Lois: Peter, I hate to say this, but it doesn't seem like your dad is interested in bonding with you. All he cares about is work.
Peter: Wait a second. Work! That's what'll bring us together. We can start our own father-son business.
[Theme from Sanford & Son]
Francis: What are you doing with all them bathtubs, you heathen dummy?
Peter: Pop, why you gotta be like that? We cut 'em in half, stick a Virgin Mary in them and sell them as shrines.
Francis: That's my boy. At least, that's what your mama always told me. Now give me a hug before I give you a knuckle sammich.
Lois: Or, you could just get your father a job with you at the toy factory.
Peter: That's an even better idea! Lois, you're a genius. Now give me a hug before I give you a knuckle sandwich.
Lois: Peter, I can't hug you. Cut it out. I'm serious.
Peter: And this is the nerve center of the whole factory, my station. I assemble our new action figure, Zeke, the moody drifter.
Francis: You mean to tell me you stand here all day playing with dolls?
Peter: Dad, it's not easy. See, I gotta twist on his head and stick a tiny pack of smokes in his torn denim jacket.
Doll: [Coughing] Any of you kids want to see a dead body?
Peter: Ooh. Wait here, Dad. Hey, Mr. Weed?
Mr. Weed: Peter!
Peter: Listen, I was wondering if you might have a job for my dad.
Mr. Weed: Your father? He must be a man of at least 70.
Peter: Oh, yeah. But he's in great shape. Except his prostate. At 2:00 a.m. last night, I thought a horse was using the bathroom.
Francis: Peter! All finished. What's next?
Peter: Oh, Dad, you did my whole day's work in five minutes. We should sell you to the circus, you freak!
Mr. Weed: I've never seen such productivity. How is this possible?
Peter: I'll tell you how it's possible. Because this man always put his job before everything else. His wife, his health, even his own son. Especially his own son.
Mr. Weed: I need hear no more. Everyone, this is your new shop foreman. Welcome aboard, sir. Lead as you see fit.
Peter: Dad, after all these years, you and me together, side by side, father and son, uh?.
Francis: Peter, this is truly a miracle. I'm so grateful.
Peter: Hold that thought. Hey, boys, you're on.
[Sentimental music playing]
Peter: Go ahead, Dad.
Francis: Thank you, Jesus. I have a purpose in life again. Hey! Break up the sewing circle and get back to work!
Stewie: My, my. What a thumping good read! Lions eating Christians, people nailing each other to two-by-fours. I
say, you won't find that in Winnie the Pooh.
Chris: Please don't say "pooh."
Lois: Peter! Are you all right? Where's your father?
Peter: Still at the factory. He's turning the break room into a chapel.
Lois: A chapel? Where will you all eat lunch?
Peter: Lois, lunch is a sin. Taking a break is a sin. Bestiality is a sin. I'm not sure how that came up
exactly, but me and Dad have never been closer. Having him at the factory is the best... [Snoring]
Man: Hey, Peter, your dad stinks. I'm working triple shifts, and I'm still not Employee of the Week. How am I supposed to compete with that?
Peter: Hey, where is he anyway?
Jesus: This'll be for my fourth birdie. Looks like someone's in the zone.
Man: Oh, tough break there, Jesus.
Jesus: Yup. Or was it? Oop, oop, oop. Boo-yah!
Francis: Back to work, all of you! What's going on here?
Peter: Uh, Dad, some of the guys think that, well .since you took over, work is no fun.
Francis: Work's not supposed to be fun.
Peter: Well, why not?
Francis: Why not? Why not? That's Satan talking! You're a failure as a worker and as a father!
Peter: Now wait a minute. I may not be perfect, but at least I love my kids enough not to spend every minute of the day working! I'm a damn good father, and that's more than I can say about you!
Francis: [Gasping] Peter, you've never spoken to me like that before. You're fired!
Peter: Well, in that case, I'm suing you for sexual harassment. I'll see you at home.
Francis: What do you think you're doing, lad?
Chris: Nothing!
Francis: Something's wrong with your shower. The water's not cold enough. I like me showers colder than a well digger's kerblocken.
Lois: I think it's time someone sits his kerfluffin down and has a talk with his unemployed son.
Francis: If Peter needs to talk, he'd best go to confession to beg forgiveness for all his failings! Have a glorious day.
Lois: Peter, how can you just sit there and let him talk like that?
Peter: He's right, Lois. I am no good. Even my own dad doesn't love me. Face it. I'm going to Hell.
[Peter in Hell]
Peter: Wow. Adolf Hitler, Al Capone, John Wilkes Booth. Hey, what are you doing here?
Superman: I killed a hooker. She made a crack about me being faster than a speeding bullet, so I ripped her in half like a phone book.
Stewie: Yes, the fat man's going to Hell. And from the looks of his midsection, he'll burn like a tire dump for all eternity. Oh! I love God! He's so deliciously evil.
Lois: Stewie, eat your oatmeal. Honey, you're a wonderful husband, a loving father, and, for some reason I'll never understand, a very devoted son.
Peter: That's a nice thought, Lois, but sadly, it means nothing coming from you.
Tom Tucker: Well, the moment has arrived at last. We now go live to Logan International Airport where the Pope's plane has just touched down.
["I Can't Turn You Loose" by Otis Redding playing]
Emcee: Hello, Boston! Are you ready to humble yourself before God?
[Crowd cheering]
Emcee: What? Have you all taken a vow of silence? Come on!
[Crowd cheering]
Emcee: Then put your hands together for the one, the only His Holiness, the Pope!
Peter: Hey, I just got a crazy idea! Augh! Why? Why? Why? Hey, I just got another crazy idea!
Cardinal 1: Huh. Hey, did you ever notice this? On page 375, it says "Jebus."
Cardinal 2: It's supposed to be "Jesus," right?
Peter: Room service!
Manager: We didn't order no room service.
Peter: Actually I just wanted to check the honor bar. 'Cause uh, the last Pope we had here filled his shaving kit with Necco wafers.
Manager: All right, wise guy, who are you?
Peter: I'm just a faithful Catholic man with a family crisis only His Holiness can resolve. I've never asked the church for anything, but I don't know where else to turn.
Cardinal 3: Dust him!
Peter: Augh!
Driver: My heavens, son! Are you okay?
Peter: Yeah. I just got bounced by the Pope's road crew.
Driver: It's good you missed me. I'm set to drive the Popemobile, and any slight bump on the head knocks me unconscious for a few hours. I always wake up feeling fine, but it's just so darn inconvenient to be knocked out that easily. Even by the slightest tap. Like this.
[Crowd cheering]
Luke: Taking it off here, Boss.
Sheriff: Take it off there, Luke.
Dragline: Wiping it off, Boss.
Sheriff: Wipe it off, there, Dragline.
Luke: Waving at the Pope here, Boss.
Sheriff: Wave at the Pope there, Luke.
The Pope: Are you sure this is Boston?
Peter: Yeah, it's Boston. See, look, there's Harvard.
The Pope: That's just a barn.
Peter: Ooh, someone went to Yale.
[Griffin house]
Peter: Lois, put the coffee on.
Lois: Careful. I just cleaned the floor.
Peter: Good thing, huh?.
The Pope: Mmmm, lemony.
Lois: Your Holiness, this is such an honor. Please, go into the living room, and make yourself at home! Peter, what is the Pope doing here?
Peter: Relax, honey. I just hijacked his bubble car so he can convince my dad I'm a good guy.
Lois: You kidnapped the Pope? Peter, this is the most reckless thing you've ever done!
Peter: Come on, Lois. What about the time I was on that airplane?
[Peter on airplane]
Peter: [Giggling]
The Pope: Peter, you've raised a fine family.
Peter: Yeah, well, my dad thinks I'm a screw-up. Matter of fact, I was hoping you could change his mind. He'd have to believe you. You're God's go-to guy.
The Pope: Well, your father is entitled to his opinion. But more important is what you think. Look deep in your heart, my son. Do you think you're a screw-up?
[Sentimental instrumental music]
Peter: No. I'm not. You know what? I'm a damn good father. And I have great kids.
Meg: That's not what Grandpa says.
Peter: Well, Grandpa is wrong. Meg, it's not a sin for a girl your age to like boys.
Meg: Thanks, Daddy.
Peter: And Chris, what you do in the bathroom is between you and God. And if you're sorry, he'll forgive you.
Chris: Thanks, Dad!
Lois: Good for you, Peter. But isn't there someone else you should speak to?
Peter: Yes, there is. Scarecrow, you've had brains all along. Same goes for your heart, Tin Man. And Kristy McNichol, come back to television. We miss you.
Lois: I meant you should talk to your father.
Peter: You're right. You with me, big guy?
The Pope: Peter, I go where I am needed.
Peter: To the Popemobile!
[Theme from Batman]
Workers: [Desperate muttering]
Peter: Remember when we brought in that stripper for Lombardi's birthday and it turned out to be his son? I think this is gonna top it.
Man: Wow, it's the Pope!
Francis: Slothful sinners! You're here to work, not sit around with your.... Holy Mother! It's the Holy Father. I am not worthy.
The Pope: Rise, my son. You are indeed worthy, for you have raised a fine son. His zest for life is an affirmation
of God's great love within us all.
Peter: Wow! And that's from the freakin' Pope! So I guess you were wrong about me, huh, Dad?
Francis: I was wrong all right.
Peter: Stand by, boys.
Francis: I was wrong about you! You've gone soft on me, Holy Father! Even a tambourine-shaking Baptist could tell this boy's no good!
The Pope: Are you calling me a liar?
Peter: Whoah, easy, Pontiff.
The Pope: Because I'll excommunicate your sorry...
Peter: Okay, time out.
The Pope: Oh! I have never met such an infuriating man! You must have the patience of a saint.
Peter: Well, he's my dad. And I just want him to love me.
Francis: Peter, how could you say such a thing? I love you with all me heart.
[Sentimental music playing]
Peter: You do?
Francis: Of course. I just don't like you. I don't like anything about you!
[Music stops]
Peter: Keep playing, you guys. I think this is as good as its going to get. Dad, to be honest, I don't like you, either. Aw, jeez, that's a terrible thing to say. I guess I am going to Hell.
The Pope: Peter, the good Lord said to honor thy father. He never said anything about liking him.
Peter: Well, in that case, Dad, I'm gonna eat meat on Fridays, golf on Sundays, laugh at Jewish comedians, and yes, sleep with my Protestant wife. But I won't enjoy it. And she hates it.
Francis: Well, fine. I'll be on me way. Take back your job, and give your old man a hug.
Peter: I love you, Dad.
Francis: I know you do, son.
Peter: What are you gonna do now?
Francis: I don't know. I guess the good Lord doesn't have much use for an old man like me.
The Pope: Well...I suppose I could use another pair of hands on my tour.
Peter: You'd give Dad a job, even knowing what a jerk he is?
The Pope: I have to. As you said, Peter, "I am the freakin' Pope."
[Crowd cheering on TV]
Francis: All right, get back! No flash photography, or you'll go straight to Hell! You! You're in God's house, you heathen! Take that cap off before I take it off for you!
Lois: Well, I think your father found the perfect job.
Peter: Let's hope so. I love being a good father. But I don't want to have to be a good son again for a long, long time.
[Knocking]
Peter's Mom: Peter, open the door, and break out the schnapps! Guess who needs a place to sleep it off for the weekend?
Peter: Mom!?
Brian: Oh, my God, no!
Peter: Quick, everyone! Into the pod!
[Exciting instrumental music]
[closing theme music]