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Chris Griffin Quotes

Peter: (Walks out of the bathroom and wanders into another room. He walks into the room and walks behind the bed. We find out that this is Chris' room.) Hey, you still awake, Lois honey? (Peter lays down into Chris' bed.)
Chris: Dad?
Peter: That's right, I'm your daddy. Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh. Don't talk, Lois, don't talk. Just let me do all the work. feel my warm breath on the nape of your neck. My hands on your big soft boobs...running down your big man-like chest. (Peter jumps up.) Holy crap, It's Chris!! Uhh...Uhh...So, uhh...How ya doin'? You do all your homework?
Chris: (nods his head.)
Peter: Finish all your subjects?
Chris: Yes, sir.
Peter: Good, just uhh, just checkin'. (Backs towards the door.) Have a good night son. (Walks down the hall.)
Peter: You still awake honey?
Stewie: What the deuce?

Chris: Dad, what's the blow-hole for?
Peter: I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.

Lois: And you know what? I'm gonna take that chance my father never let me take when I was younger. I'm gonna become a model!
Peter: Hey, that's fantastic, Lois! And I'll pleasure myself to your photos.
Chris: Me too!
Meg: Me too!
Peter: Oh! Oh! God! Meg! That's sick! That's your mother!
Meg (shrugs): I'm just trying to fit in.
Peter: Get out! Get out of this house!
(Meg doesn't move. Peter punches wall.)
(Meg runs out and Peter closes the door.)
Peter: That's a good about your modeling, Lois.

Security Guard: Alright son, we're gonna need those two hams back.
Chris: Huh? I don't have any hams.
Guard: Lift up your shirt, son.
Chris: I need an adult! I need an adult!
Guard: You're not a shoplifter, you're just a fat kid. Sorry about that fatty fat fatty. Hey Tom he's just a fat kid! Aren't you, fatty? You're just a big ol' fat kid. Here's some chocolate fatso.
Chris: Thanks.

Judge: Im sentencing you to 24 months in prison.
Lois: Oh no!
Brian: Oh no!
Chris: Oh no!
Meg: Oh no!
Kool Aid Guy: OOOOOOOH YA!

Chris: Hey little dude, how about some ice cream?
Stewie: Yes I could go for a frozen treat right about now. But no sprinkles. And for every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.

Peter (In Asiatown): Oh my God it's Jackie Chan! (Asian guy walks away)
Peter (to next Asian guy): Oh my God it's Jackie Chan! (Asian guy again walks away)
Peter (to another Asian guy): Oh my God it's Jackie Chan!
Jackie Chan: Great to see I have a fan! Oh my God it's Ethan Hawk!
Peter: No I'm not.
Jackie Chan to Chris: Oh my God it's Ethan Hawk!
Chris: Nope.
Jackie Chan to Meg: Oh my God it's Malcom in Middle!
Meg: Im not a boy!
Peter: Yes you are.

Stewie: If your teachers ask about your bruises, what do you tell them?
Chris: (crying): I got hit by a baseball.

Chris: I don't want to get rid of my pimple, I like him. He's my friend. His name is Doug.
Brian: I just wish I didn't have to look at it.
Chris: Well, we have to look at your ANUS all day!
Stewie:Thank you!

Chris: Hey, dad, look! I covered my back with honey and now the ants are taking me home.
Peter: He does the same thing at home with Velveeta and cockroaches. If you turn the light on really fast they slam him right into the fridge.

Petern: Chris is not as smart as you think he is...
(Peter slaps Chris in the back of the head)
Chris: HEY!
Peter: He did it.
(Peter points to a nearby floor lamp, and Chris attacks it and starts fighting with it.)

Chris: Yea, we can live with you again even though you are a dangerous retard!
Peter: Chris, don't say retard. we preffer to be called 'little people' because there is nothing wrong with being mentally challenged. In fact, i've learned we are superior, above all you dumb brainy smarties , and one day you will beg us for mercy...and we will consider it.

Peter: Hey Lois, can you grab me a beer?...Lois?
Chris: Dad, I think she went out.
Peter: Alright then you be Lois.
Chris: Okay.
Peter: Hey Lois, can you get me a be...oh my God, you've really let yourself go!
Chris: Well maybe if you bought me some nice clothes once in a while!

Chris: Doctor, I need you to get rid of this zit!
Doug (Chris's Zit): You traitor!
Doctor: Whoa, that's a doosie! I bet some of those awful kids at school call you Zit Face?
Chris: No
Doctor: Papa Zit?
Chris: No
Doctor: Pus Peak?
Chris: No
Doctor: Fat ass?
Chris: Well..yeah..
Doctor: TSk, tsk..oh, that's terrible!

Mrs. Lockheart: "What do you see here Chris?"
Chris: "Two D's and an F."

Chris: So .. ah .. what are you wearing? Ha ha ha ha ha WOW! I bet you could see right through that.
Lois: Chris, who are you talking to?
Chris: Grandma.

Chris: "I don't have to listen to you! You're a dog! You don't have a soul!"

Chris: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Peter: Math. Math my dear boy is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.

Chris: When I stick this army guy with the sharp bayonette up my nose, it tickles my brain. Hah hah hah ... ow. Oh, now I don't know math.

[Chris jumps on Peter's lap]
Chris: Dad, the scouts are no fun. I just want to draw. Oh, and...
[kisses Peter]
Peter: Son, I am going to stand up, walk out of this room, and we are never to speak of this again.

Chris: What did you get from your boyfriends?
Meg: Oh you know from my boyfriend ,Prince William, I got this beautiful watch, and this diamond tiara, and a scepter...(goes crazy and runs away crying)
Stewie: She needs to get laid BIG TIME!

Brian (as Mark Twain): Well kids I better be getting back to the 1800's in my time steamboat (goes behind the desk).
Brian: Sorry I'm late. Did I miss anything?
Chris: Yeah! Captain Crunch was here!

Chris (when Peter goes to attack Hugh Grant on the movie screen): Don't do it dad! He's bigger than you!

Chris: There's this game where you put in a dollar and you win four quarters. I win every time!

Chris (looking at the Twinkie in his hand): I'm going to turn you into poo.

Chris: I'm so hungry I could ride a horse. I don't get it. Well, I could ride it to the store, I guess.

Chris: My name is Chris, I'm suppost to be on my best behaviour tonight and not mention poo.....
Oh God, what have I done?

Chris: Dad, I tried to go to school but this guy won't let me.
Peter: Oh yeah? Him and what army?
Chris: The U.S. Army.
Peter: Oh, that's a good army.

Chris: Dad, you should invent the frisbee, that's an awesome toy.
Meg: Chris, the frisbee is already invented.
Chris: Then how come I never heard of it?

Chris: My dad is smarter than your dad.
Meg: We have the same dad idiot!
Chris: Yeah, but mine's smarter!

Security Guard: Alright son, just give me those hams. (reaches into Chris' shirt)
Guard: Oh, your not a shoplifter, you're just a fat kid, aren't you, fatty fat fattington!

(Chris is sitting in kitchen moping because hes fat and Meg walks in.)
Meg: Whoa! Chris have you lsot weight? You look wicked skinny! Im jealous!
Chris: Really? cause...cause im jealous of your mustache!
Meg: I dont have a mustache!!!!!

Lois: (Noticing Chris' pimple): Oh my God! Look at the size of that pimple, you're like a circus freak! (Laughs.) Aw, I'm just kidding, it means you're becoming a man, sweetie.
Peter: Yeah, I remember when I first became a man.
Doctor: The operation was a success. What are you going to go by now?
(Peter looks under his hospital gown)
Peter: Peter...

Government Agent: You're mentally unfit to take care of your children.
Peter: NO!
Chris: NO!
Meg: NO!
Stewie: FINALLY!

(Lois calls the house and Chris picks up phone)
Chris: Stephenson residence.
Lois: Chris, we've gone through this before. It's pronounced Griffin.

Brian: Ah, the old alma mater. I tell you, there's something magical about Brown.
Chris: Brown is the color of poo. Ha ha ha!
Brian: Yes. Yes it is.

Lois: Hey I know, lets play a game. Now I'm thinking of a movie.
Meg: Is it an action movie?
Chris: Who's in the movie?
Peter: Wait, is it a good movie?
Lois: Eh, it has its moments.
Peter: Cool Runnings
Lois: Yep!

Peter: I feel kinda guilty, giving Chris his first taste of beer...but you turned out okay, right pal?
Chris: I'm gonna go get wasted.

Chris: What's a library, dad?
Peter: Oh, it's just a place where homeless people come to shave and go BM.

Chris: Oh, I hate vegetables.
Lois: Honey, they're good for you.
Chris: Oooh, they taste like a monkey, a monkey that's past its prime.

Chris: Where do you think you go when you die?
Sam: I learned in church that if you're good you go to heaven, but if you're bad you go to a place where the dead believe they're still livin' and they pray for death but death won't come.
Chris: UPN?

Genie: I am here to grant you three wishes.
Lois: Peter, three wishes. Oh this is so exciting.
Meg: I want a new hat.
Chris: I want a new hat.
Stewie: I want them to have new hats!

Brian: Hey, you know what might be a thrill for you guys?
Chris: Ooh, ooh, eating a pebble!

Chris: I never knew anyone who went crazy before, except for my invisible friend, Col. Schwartz.

Chris: It's partially an expression of my teenage angst...but mostly, it's a moo cow!

Chris: What'd you see...Was it breasts?!

Chris: Why am I so awkward!?

Chris: I don't think I like feet as much as you do.
Quagmire: Everybody likes feet.

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