Family Guy Fun

Brian Does Hollywood/Transcript

From Family Guy Wiki, your fan-created Family Guy resource.

Narrator: Previously on Family Guy.

Lois: Oh, my God! Tell your father not to start the car!

Stewie: You want my badge number? Here! Here's my freakin' badge number!

Lois: I can't lose this case!

Peter: Lois, the case is already over!

Chris: [Crying] Who did this to you?

Lois: In all my years of research, I've never seen a virus reproduce this quickly.

[Intense instrumental music]


Lois: Everyone I've told about the file is dead.

Meg: What do you mean, "Cut the blue wire"? They're all blue wires!

[in hospital room]

Meg: Face it. He's never coming out of that coma.

Stewie: [Screaming]

Lois: Brian's gone to Los Angeles to find himself!

Theme Song

Lois: Peter, don't throw out Brian's things. It's not like he's gonna be in Los Angeles forever. He just needs to find himself.

Peter: He's not coming back, Lois. You saw him. He just walked out on us. Oh, boy, did we have some good times!

Peter: Here it comes, buddy! Oh, God! Oh, God! [screaming] What are the odds?

Lois: Well, if he does come back, I want everything to be just how he left it.

Stewie: Easy! Massage the scalp! You're washing a baby's hair, not scrubbing vomit off your Christmas dress, you holiday drunk!

Meg: You guys! We got a letter from Brian!

Stewie: Tell him I'm not here.

Lois: Let me see.

Stewie: [Screaming]

Lois: I'm sorry, sweetie. There. All better?

Stewie: You know, you are some piece of work, lady. If you...well, actually, yes, it is.

Lois: <reads aloud> "Greetings from California. I've been very busy. Am having a great time trying to make it as a writer in LA. It's just as easy as everyone thinks it is. I've been working the room at a lot of Hollywood parties." Oooh.

[Jazz music playing]

Lois: Bobby, loved you in Raging Bull. Hey, Jodie, how's the baby? All right. Hey, I need more cheese puffs, Manny. Looks like Oprah's off the wagon again. And skip the toothpicks-she'll just hurt herself.

Waiter: Hey, Bri. Did you hear about Jason? Paramount bought his script.

Brian: They bought "Death Spares Not the Tiger"?

Waiter: 100 grand. Pretty good, huh?

Brian: Jeez! He's been in LA how long? Unbelievable. You know, he actually called the main character "John Everyman"? Come on. Well, good for him. [Breathes deeply]

[People chattering]

Brian: Keanu Reeves, wow! I don't usually gush. You'll have to forgive me. But when I was writing "Coast Guard"-that's what I do, I'm a writer-anyway, when I was writing "Coast Guard", I couldn't think of anyone other than...


Brian: There's a woodpecker on your head.

Keanu Reeves: Yeah, he comes and goes.

Announcer: Now back to Kids Say the Darndest Things.

Bill Cosby: It's okay. Take your time. Then what happened?

Girl: He-he said he would kill me if I ever said anything.

Bill Cosby: Do you remember what he looked like?

Girl: Yeah. He had a scar on his arm. And he had a big, stupid doo-doo head!

Bill Cosby: "A big, stupid doo-doo head!"

[Audience laughing]

Lois: Honestly! The things these children come up with.

Announcer: If you have a child you'd like to exploit for a trip to Los Angeles why not have them try out for our show? Next auditions will be in New York, Chicago, and Quahog, Rhode Island.

Chris: Maybe Stewie could get on that show.

Stewie: You must be 'shrooming.

Meg: Yeah! We can get a free trip to LA and see Brian.

Peter: I haven't been to California since I lived with my other family.

[cut to dilapidated shack with Charles Manson and followers]

Peter: Guys, I just got invited to a party at Sharon Tate's house! You guys can come but you got to promise not to embarrass me.

Stewie: Talk, damn you! I know you've been plotting to foil my plans of world domination. Who are you working for? The Libyans? The French? Very well, if torture won't work, perhaps a little tenderness will. Mmm, I like your taste in women. Yes, I think she and I are going to have a good time together. Yes, you like this, don't you? Oh, God! Look at me, having sex with a pig. I've become my father!

Lois: Come on, Stewie. Let's get your sailor suit. You got to look cute if you're auditioning for national television.

Stewie: Lois, I told you there's no way...national television, you say? Coast to coast? That could be the ideal place to unleash my mass-hypnosis device on the unsuspecting public.

Lois: Oh, I always loved this little sailor suit. Or we could do nice corduroys and a sweater.

Stewie: Or you can make yourself useful and wipe my button. Circular motion, one finger. And don't you look at me!

Brian: Oh, my God, that's Michael Eisner. I'll take it from here, Julio. Here you go, Mr. Eisner. It's been Brian-ized. You might notice that new-script smell. Every car I hand-wash comes with a smile, an air freshener and a copy of my can't-miss coming-of-age teen comedy set in Wisconsin.

Michael Eisner: What's your name?

Brian: Brian.

Michael Eisner: Let's see. There we go, Brian. See you at Disneyland. Bring money.

Lois: Look. It's Tom Tucker from the news, and that must be his son. Oh, my!

Stewie: I feel bad staring without having paid for a ticket. I mean really, how am I supposed to follow that act? Bite the head off a chicken?

Jake Tucker: Dad, they're staring at me!

Tom Tucker: They're just jealous.

Man: [shuddering] You're next.

Tom Tucker: Wait a minute. Wait, we were next! Hey! Hey, don't walk away from me! Hey! [sighing] You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna get the video camera out and we'll make our own show.

Jake Tucker: I don't wanna!

Tom Tucker: Yes, you do! You do, because it's normal!

Man: Tell us, Stewie, what job does a mommy do?

Stewie: Interesting question. More to the point, how does one define "job" without branding oneself with useless labels? [sips coffee] I'm sorry, I'm afraid I answered your question with another question.

Man: Um, how old do you think Daddy is?

Stewie: 42. [Stuttering] Oh, I mean, Daddy's old! I think he's 7!

Men: [Laughing]

Stewie: Yes, that's it. Yes, that's what you want to hear, isn't it? Yes, jump through the hoop. "Daddy's feet smell!" Jackasses.

Man: Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, he's adorable. Congratulations. Stewie's gonna be on the show.

Peter: Did you hear that, Lois? We're going to Hollywood! Where the people are sexy and clever and they always say something funny right before the commercial break. [awkward silence]

Man: Oh, great. I always end up sitting next to a damn baby.

Stewie: What? What did you just say?

Lois: Stewie, stop fussing.

Stewie: Not now, Lois. Hey, big man, turn around. If you've got something to say, say it to my face! Oh, you can't hear me now? All right, that's it. I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. For the next five hours, you're my bitch. [Crying] My ears are popping, and there's no way to console me! I'm hungry and possibly teething! Maybe I'm wet. Who knows? I'm a baby. [Continues crying]

Man: <answering machine> <Jack Nicholson voice> This is a message for Brian. This is Jack Nicholson. Ah, listen, I read your script, and it just, you know, jumped right off the page. I think it's something I'd be excited to be a part of. So, call my... [laughing on machine] <regular voice> Listen, I'm just jacking you, man. Me and my buddy Phil just found your script at Starbucks.

Phil: Tell him it sucks!

Man: Yeah, it sucks! Give it up, loser! And don't put your number on the cover, you stupid. [Laughing]

Phil: I'm hungry.

[Phone ringing]

Brian: Jasper's residence.

Peter: Who the hell is Jasper? Where's Brian?

Brian: Peter? It's me. Jasper's my cousin. I'm using his place while he's working at Club Med. Are you on a cell phone?

Peter: Yeah. We're in LA!

Brian: What? What a terrific surprise!

Peter: Brian, can we see you for dinner? You're not too famous to get together with your old family, are you?

Brian: I was invited to the premiere of the new...Val Kilmer picture, but I'd much rather take you guys out to dinner. How about Musso and Frank's, 8:00?

Peter: Okay, see you later, Mr. Bigshot. [swallows cell phone] Oh, crap, I didn't push "end." This is gonna cost me a fortune.

Jasper: Brian! Okay, I'm back. Tell me everything. I'm sitting, I'm hearing. That's Ricardo. Ricardo, Brian. He doesn't speak any English. Can I? Catching up. Okay, me first. I'm in love. Ooh, too much dressing. He's from the Philippines. I know, I know, I'm a rice queen. So, how's the writing thingy going?

Brian: Terrible. I can't even get my foot in the door.

Jasper: Oh, okay. I have somebody you have to meet. He's a producer. He's great.

Brian: Really? Thanks. That'd be great.

Jasper: So, do you like Sex and the City?

Brian: Yeah. It's an all right show.

Jasper: I wasn't talking about the show. I'm nasty! <foghorn noise> Someone send me out to sea!

Meg: It says that this is the actual gutter where the policeman fell over laughing after Eddie Murphy told him he was just giving the transvestite a ride home.

[Phone ringing]

Peter: I think that's me. Hello?

Quagmire: Hey, Peter, it's Quagmire.

Peter: Oh, hey, Quagmire.

Quagmire: Guess what? Last night I had sex with a black chick.

Peter: I got to go. Sorry.

Black Woman: What? All he said was "black chick."

Peter: Yeah, I know. But your boyfriend looks like one of your typical angry black guys, and I didn't want to offend him. Hey, we cool, G? Yeah? All right!

Brian: I was thinking Halle Berry would be perfect as the camp counselor all the kids want to "get with."

Porn director: Jasper was right. You're very talented. You know, I'm having a brainstorm here. Have you ever thought about directing?

Brian: Just every waking hour!

Porn director: I got this movie. I'm not gonna lie-it's a low-budget movie, but the script is solid. My director dropped out. And I need somebody who's smart, ambitious and not addicted to meth.

Brian: I am smart and ambitious!

Porn director: [Laughing] Seriously.

Brian: No, no. I'm clean.

[at restaurant]

Brian: You know, Musso and Frank's is famous. See the bar over there? Great writers like Hemingway and Faulkner drank there.

Peter: Where did that guy who wrote Porky's drink? Oh, man! When that fat broad grabbed that kid's crank through the hole...ah! Where do they get their ideas? Where do they get them? You're the writer. You tell me.

Brian: Ah, boy! This is great. All that searching, that emptiness I felt back home, gone. I think I finally found my life's calling, you know?

Lois: How wonderful! You know, Brian, I've always found your writing to be a little hackneyed and stilted, but I guess that's why I'm not working out here in Hollywood, huh? Oh, congratulations on all your success.

Brian: Uh, thank you. You know what might be a thrill for you guys?

Chris: Ooo! Ooo! Eating a pebble!

Brian: Yes, but I was talking about stopping by the set to see me in action.

Lois: Brian, could we really?

Brian: You do know somebody in the business.

Stewie: Yes, well, I'm in the business, too. I'm going to be on television.

Brian: Great.

Stewie: Yes, and when I make my appearance I promise you'll talk about it at the water cooler the next day.

Brian: Yeah, well, good luck with that.

Stewie: "Yeah, well, good luck with that." Yutz.

[Phone ringing]

Woman: I'm trying to reach Peter Griffin.

Peter: You're in him.

Woman: Mr. Griffin, are you happy with your long-distance service?

Peter: Yes, and I'm sick and tired of you people always calling during dinner. I demand to speak to your supervisor.

Woman: Hold, please.

[muffled version of Barry Manilow's "Looks Like We Made It" heard playing as hold music]

Lois: Peter, I love this song. Open your mouth.

[Peter opens mouth, music gets louder]

Porn director: Brian, right on time. I like that. Come in. So, ready? Ready to shoot your first scene?

Brian: I sure am. Where's the set?

Porn director: Second door on your left.

Brian: So, this is some kind of shampoo commercial, right?

Porn actress: Do I have to sleep with the dog in this one?

Stagehand: Hey, can someone fluff Paul? He's got like a windsock thing going on.

Brian: So, this is some kind of shampoo commercial, right? Look, Zack, I'm sorry. There's just no way I can do this. I mean, I've been around, you know. I've licked my share of peanut butter. But I just-I think you need to find yourself a new director.

Porn director: Are you sure?

Brian: I just can't do this.

Porn director: Come on, is this any more degrading than washing cars? At least here you can be creative.

Brian: Look, I want to make this perfectly clear. There is absolutely no way I would possibly consider doing something like this. [porn actress drops robe] Unless I saw a script first.

Porn director: Of course.

Brian: You know, this isn't bad.

Porn director: It's kind of like Bang the Drum Slowly, except the drum's a chick.

[Car horn honking]

Lois: Peter, slow down. Brian said he was gonna be on the set all day. "On the set." Listen to me. Two days in Hollywood, and I sound like a contract player.

[Police siren]

Peter: Oh, crap! The LAPD!


Lois: Come on, Peter, I want to save some tape for the Hollywood sign.

Peter: Okay. Thanks a lot, you guys.

Police Officer: Our pleasure. Have a nice vacation, sir.

Jenna Jameson JENNA: Yes! Yes! Yes! [Heavy breathing]

Brian: Cut. Uh, okay. Nice take, Jenna. But let's try giving the lines a little subtext this time. Your husband's always away on business, and you feel increasingly isolated and unloved. So you begin to think maybe you should go back to graduate school and finish your dissertation. And that's when you notice the cable man has taken his pants off.

Peter: Wow! A real movie set. Hey, this house looks kind of familiar.

Chris: I'll bet Samuel L. Jackson is here. He's in everything. There's Brian!

Brian: Samuel, when you lay her down in front of the fireplace I want you to enter from...oh, my God! Hey, you guys!

Meg: Hey, Brian? Can I be in the movie?

Porn Producer: Well, actually, one of the Jacuzzi girls didn't show up. How long can you hold your breath underwater, sweetie?

Meg: Real long. One time at Hatch Pond...

Brian: No! Absolutely not! This is a closed set! You gotta leave! Get these people out of here, now!

Peter: Oh, what, now that you're a big director, we embarrass you?

Brian: No, no! I mean, yes.

Stewie: Does anyone else smell Astroglide?

Make-up artist: You're gonna look so handsome.

Stewie: Look at these crow's feet. My God! You stay up past 7:30, and you pay for it in the morning.

Peter: Who the hell does Brian think he is?

Lois: Well, maybe he thought we'd get in the way. It wouldn't be the first time you've disrupted a performance.

[Whimsical music playing] [Cut to production of "Cats." Peter drives on stage and hits an actor]

Peter: Oh, jeez! Oh, God! Oh, God! I didn't see it! It jumped right out in front of my car! Oh, I am so sorry!

Lois: I think we just have to face it, Peter. Brian's a big-time Hollywood director, and we're just simple, small-town people.

Stewie: Um, all right, one more. One more. Rob Lowe.

Make-up artist: Straight.

Stewie: No!

Make-up artist: Yes.

Stewie: Come on. Stop!

Make-up artist: Ho-hum.

Stewie: Pull over.

Make-up artist: Absolutely.

Stewie: Really?

Make-up artist: Yes.

Stewie: Oh, well, he hides it well.

Make-up lady: Yeah, he wishes.

[Audience applauding]

Bill Cosby: "Stewie." That's a funny name, "Stewie." It's like "stew," only with an "eeee" at the end. I meant, it's funny, Stewie. You see, I had an uncle named Stewie, and he used to sell bicycles.

Stewie: I'm sorry, aren't you supposed to be asking me a question?

Bill Cosby: Stewie, what do you think candy is made out of?

Stewie: Sunshine and farts! What the hell kind of question is that?

Bill Cosby: I love candy! When I was a little boy, we would play stickball!

Stewie: Oh, no. I'll wait. Oh, you finished? I'm sorry. It's my fault, really. I thought the name of the show was 'Kids Say the Darndest Things' not 'Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up.' Ask me what I want to be when I grow up.

Bill Cosby: We also used to play buck-buck.

Stewie: Enough of your blather. [dons mind control goggles] Good evening, world. From this moment on, I will be your...

Bill Cosby: [Chuckling] What have you got there? You gonna go skiing now?

Stewie: Give them back to me! They're of no use to you!

Bill Cosby: I'm going down the mountain.

Audience: [Laughing]

Stewie: No! Don't listen to him! That's not funny! That's just saying what happens when you go skiing!

Bill Cosby: Here I go, down the slope. I'm going zip zop...

Audience: [Laughing]

Stewie: Stop it! Stop applauding him! He's not even using real words anymore!

Bill Cosby: We'll be back with a little girl from Atlanta who skips rope with her sister's pigtails. [Making ridiculous noises]

Stewie: No! My segment's not over!

Bill Cosby: Come on, little fellow. You like to jump rope, don't you?

Stewie: I-like-jump rope.

Bill Cosby: All right. So, you're gonna just sit here and enjoy it.

Stewie: I'm gonna sit here and enjoy it. And I like pudding. And Ghost Dad was the best movie I've seen since Leonard Part 6.

Audience: [Audience applauding]

Jasper: Good news! Good news!

Brian: What, more people I love think I'm an arrogant jerk?

Jasper: You're more than that Mr. "Nominated for an Adult Movie Award for Best Director."

Brian: A Woody? I'm up for a Woody?

Jasper: C'mon, call your family. I'll bet they'll be really proud of you.

Brian: No, I'd rather they think I'm a jerk than a smut peddler.

Jasper: Brian, they're your family. They'll love you even if you made a couple of crappy movies. I mean, Blythe Danner still loves Gwyneth Paltrow. Ooh, score one for me!

Melissa Rivers: Welcome back to E!'s Adult Video Awards preshow. It's a good crowd here tonight, Mom.

Joan Rivers: It sure is, Melissa. All the studs and sluts are arriving. Brian! Brian!

Brian: Uh, hey.

Joan Rivers: You're nominated for three of the seven films you directed yesterday: Add Momma to the Train, The Purple Head of Cairo and, uh-what was the third one?

Brian: You've Got Male Genitalia.

Joan Rivers: You know, I was asked to star in a porno once. Yeah, but I couldn't. 'Cause, you know, most of my body is less than 18 years old. [Laughing] I used to guest host The Tonight Show.

Brian: Oh, yeah. What was that, like, 30 years ago? Your mike isn't plugged in. You're not even on television right now, are you?

Joan Rivers: In my mind! [Groaning]

Ron Jeremy: The next award is for Best Original Score in an adult film. And the nominees are Ron Jones...[funky music playing]...Walter Murphy...[similar funky music]...and John Williams.[Orchestral music playing]

Lois: Well, you've come a long way from hiding from the vacuum cleaner.

Brian: Lois!

Peter: Hey, buddy. Hey, how are you, Alfred Hitch"cock"? You like that one, Dick Hertz? I'm sorry. I'm already drunk.

Brian: How did you guys know?

Lois: Jasper called. Brian, why didn't you tell us?

Brian: I thought you'd be ashamed of me.

Peter: You kiddin'? I ought to knock you out for not bringing me here sooner. Look at the pair on that one, Lois. Bigger than your head.

Brian: So, you guys aren't offended by this?

Lois: Well, I can't say I approve, but we love you. If this is what makes you happy, we support you.

Brian: My God! I thought I needed to get away from you guys to find what was missing in my life but the only thing I'm missing is my family. How could I ever have become involved in this filthy, degrading business?

Ron Jeremy: ...And the award goes to Brian Griffin!

Audience: [Cheers]

Brian: Wow! My God! This is unexpected. I want to thank my incredible production team, who've been with me from 'Shaving Private Ryan' all the way to 'Welcome to My Face.'

Lois: He lives with us back in Quahog.

Porn Producer: You got a nice wiggle, baby. You want to be in a movie, huh? A little girl-girl action, maybe?

Lois: Peter!

Peter: Good luck, buddy. I've been barking up that tree for 17 years.

[back on airplane]

Lois: Well, that was a wonderful trip! And everyone has something to remember it by.

Peter: You're gonna love it at our house, Jenna Jameson.

Jenna Jameson: [Muffled cries]

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