From Family Guy Wiki,
your fan-created Family Guy resource.
Narrator: Previously on Family
Guy.
Lois: Oh, my God! Tell your
father not to start the car!
Stewie: You want my badge number?
Here! Here's my freakin' badge number!
Lois: I can't lose this case!
Peter: Lois, the case is already
over!
Chris: [Crying] Who did this
to you?
Lois: In all my years of research,
I've never seen a virus reproduce this quickly.
[Intense instrumental music]
[Screaming]
Lois: Everyone I've told about
the file is dead.
Meg: What do you mean, "Cut
the blue wire"? They're all blue wires!
[in hospital room]
Meg: Face it. He's never coming
out of that coma.
Stewie: [Screaming]
Lois: Brian's gone to Los Angeles
to find himself!
Theme
Song
Lois: Peter, don't throw out
Brian's things. It's not like he's gonna be in Los Angeles
forever. He just needs to find himself.
Peter: He's not coming back,
Lois. You saw him. He just walked out on us. Oh, boy, did
we have some good times!
Peter: Here it comes, buddy!
Oh, God! Oh, God! [screaming] What are the odds?
Lois: Well, if he does come
back, I want everything to be just how he left it.
Stewie: Easy! Massage the scalp!
You're washing a baby's hair, not scrubbing vomit off your
Christmas dress, you holiday drunk!
Meg: You guys! We got a letter
from Brian!
Stewie: Tell him I'm not here.
Lois: Let me see.
Stewie: [Screaming]
Lois: I'm sorry, sweetie. There.
All better?
Stewie: You know, you are some
piece of work, lady. If you...well, actually, yes, it is.
Lois: <reads aloud> "Greetings
from California. I've been very busy. Am having a great time
trying to make it as a writer in LA. It's just as easy as
everyone thinks it is. I've been working the room at a lot
of Hollywood parties." Oooh.
[Jazz music playing]
Lois: Bobby, loved you in Raging
Bull. Hey, Jodie, how's the baby? All right. Hey, I need more
cheese puffs, Manny. Looks like Oprah's off the wagon again.
And skip the toothpicks-she'll just hurt herself.
Waiter: Hey, Bri. Did you hear
about Jason? Paramount bought his script.
Brian: They bought "Death Spares
Not the Tiger"?
Waiter: 100 grand. Pretty good,
huh?
Brian: Jeez! He's been in LA
how long? Unbelievable. You know, he actually called the main
character "John Everyman"? Come on. Well, good for him. [Breathes
deeply]
[People chattering]
Brian: Keanu Reeves, wow! I
don't usually gush. You'll have to forgive me. But when I
was writing "Coast Guard"-that's what I do, I'm a writer-anyway,
when I was writing "Coast Guard", I couldn't think of anyone
other than...
[Pecking]
Brian: There's a woodpecker
on your head.
Keanu Reeves: Yeah, he comes
and goes.
Announcer: Now back to Kids
Say the Darndest Things.
Bill Cosby: It's okay. Take
your time. Then what happened?
Girl: He-he said he would kill
me if I ever said anything.
Bill Cosby: Do you remember
what he looked like?
Girl: Yeah. He had a scar on
his arm. And he had a big, stupid doo-doo head!
Bill Cosby: "A big, stupid doo-doo
head!"
[Audience laughing]
Lois: Honestly! The things these
children come up with.
Announcer: If you have a child
you'd like to exploit for a trip to Los Angeles why not have
them try out for our show? Next auditions will be in New York,
Chicago, and Quahog, Rhode Island.
Chris: Maybe Stewie could get
on that show.
Stewie: You must be 'shrooming.
Meg: Yeah! We can get a free
trip to LA and see Brian.
Peter: I haven't been to California
since I lived with my other family.
[cut to dilapidated shack with Charles
Manson and followers]
Peter: Guys, I just got invited
to a party at Sharon Tate's house! You guys can come but you
got to promise not to embarrass me.
Stewie: Talk, damn you! I know
you've been plotting to foil my plans of world domination.
Who are you working for? The Libyans? The French? Very well,
if torture won't work, perhaps a little tenderness will. Mmm,
I like your taste in women. Yes, I think she and I are going
to have a good time together. Yes, you like this, don't you?
Oh, God! Look at me, having sex with a pig. I've become my
father!
Lois: Come on, Stewie. Let's
get your sailor suit. You got to look cute if you're auditioning
for national television.
Stewie: Lois, I told you there's
no way...national television, you say? Coast to coast? That
could be the ideal place to unleash my mass-hypnosis device
on the unsuspecting public.
Lois: Oh, I always loved this
little sailor suit. Or we could do nice corduroys and a sweater.
Stewie: Or you can make yourself
useful and wipe my button. Circular motion, one finger. And
don't you look at me!
Brian: Oh, my God, that's Michael
Eisner. I'll take it from here, Julio. Here you go, Mr. Eisner.
It's been Brian-ized. You might notice that new-script smell.
Every car I hand-wash comes with a smile, an air freshener
and a copy of my can't-miss coming-of-age teen comedy set
in Wisconsin.
Michael Eisner: What's your
name?
Brian: Brian.
Michael Eisner: Let's see. There
we go, Brian. See you at Disneyland. Bring money.
Lois: Look. It's Tom Tucker
from the news, and that must be his son. Oh, my!
Stewie: I feel bad staring without
having paid for a ticket. I mean really, how am I supposed
to follow that act? Bite the head off a chicken?
Jake Tucker: Dad, they're staring
at me!
Tom Tucker: They're just jealous.
Man: [shuddering] You're next.
Tom Tucker: Wait a minute. Wait,
we were next! Hey! Hey, don't walk away from me! Hey! [sighing]
You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna get the video camera
out and we'll make our own show.
Jake Tucker: I don't wanna!
Tom Tucker: Yes, you do! You
do, because it's normal!
Man: Tell us, Stewie, what job
does a mommy do?
Stewie: Interesting question.
More to the point, how does one define "job" without branding
oneself with useless labels? [sips coffee] I'm sorry, I'm
afraid I answered your question with another question.
Man: Um, how old do you think
Daddy is?
Stewie: 42. [Stuttering] Oh,
I mean, Daddy's old! I think he's 7!
Men: [Laughing]
Stewie: Yes, that's it. Yes,
that's what you want to hear, isn't it? Yes, jump through
the hoop. "Daddy's feet smell!" Jackasses.
Man: Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, he's
adorable. Congratulations. Stewie's gonna be on the show.
Peter: Did you hear that, Lois?
We're going to Hollywood! Where the people are sexy and clever
and they always say something funny right before the commercial
break. [awkward silence]
Man: Oh, great. I always end
up sitting next to a damn baby.
Stewie: What? What did you just
say?
Lois: Stewie, stop fussing.
Stewie: Not now, Lois. Hey,
big man, turn around. If you've got something to say, say
it to my face! Oh, you can't hear me now? All right, that's
it. I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. For the
next five hours, you're my bitch. [Crying] My ears are popping,
and there's no way to console me! I'm hungry and possibly
teething! Maybe I'm wet. Who knows? I'm a baby. [Continues
crying]
Man: <answering machine>
<Jack Nicholson voice> This is a message for Brian.
This is Jack Nicholson. Ah, listen, I read your script, and
it just, you know, jumped right off the page. I think it's
something I'd be excited to be a part of. So, call my... [laughing
on machine] <regular voice> Listen, I'm just jacking
you, man. Me and my buddy Phil just found your script at Starbucks.
Phil: Tell him it sucks!
Man: Yeah, it sucks! Give it
up, loser! And don't put your number on the cover, you stupid.
[Laughing]
Phil: I'm hungry.
[Phone ringing]
Brian: Jasper's residence.
Peter: Who the hell is Jasper?
Where's Brian?
Brian: Peter? It's me. Jasper's
my cousin. I'm using his place while he's working at Club
Med. Are you on a cell phone?
Peter: Yeah. We're in LA!
Brian: What? What a terrific
surprise!
Peter: Brian, can we see you
for dinner? You're not too famous to get together with your
old family, are you?
Brian: I was invited to the
premiere of the new...Val Kilmer picture, but I'd much rather
take you guys out to dinner. How about Musso and Frank's,
8:00?
Peter: Okay, see you later,
Mr. Bigshot. [swallows cell phone] Oh, crap, I didn't push
"end." This is gonna cost me a fortune.
Jasper: Brian! Okay, I'm back.
Tell me everything. I'm sitting, I'm hearing. That's Ricardo.
Ricardo, Brian. He doesn't speak any English. Can I? Catching
up. Okay, me first. I'm in love. Ooh, too much dressing. He's
from the Philippines. I know, I know, I'm a rice queen. So,
how's the writing thingy going?
Brian: Terrible. I can't even
get my foot in the door.
Jasper: Oh, okay. I have somebody
you have to meet. He's a producer. He's great.
Brian: Really? Thanks. That'd
be great.
Jasper: So, do you like Sex
and the City?
Brian: Yeah. It's an all right
show.
Jasper: I wasn't talking about
the show. I'm nasty! <foghorn noise> Someone send me
out to sea!
Meg: It says that this is the
actual gutter where the policeman fell over laughing after
Eddie Murphy told him he was just giving the transvestite
a ride home.
[Phone ringing]
Peter: I think that's me. Hello?
Quagmire: Hey, Peter, it's Quagmire.
Peter: Oh, hey, Quagmire.
Quagmire: Guess what? Last night
I had sex with a black chick.
Peter: I got to go. Sorry.
Black Woman: What? All he said
was "black chick."
Peter: Yeah, I know. But your
boyfriend looks like one of your typical angry black guys,
and I didn't want to offend him. Hey, we cool, G? Yeah? All
right!
Brian: I was thinking Halle
Berry would be perfect as the camp counselor all the kids
want to "get with."
Porn director: Jasper was right.
You're very talented. You know, I'm having a brainstorm here.
Have you ever thought about directing?
Brian: Just every waking hour!
Porn director: I got this movie.
I'm not gonna lie-it's a low-budget movie, but the script
is solid. My director dropped out. And I need somebody who's
smart, ambitious and not addicted to meth.
Brian: I am smart and ambitious!
Porn director: [Laughing] Seriously.
Brian: No, no. I'm clean.
[at restaurant]
Brian: You know, Musso and Frank's
is famous. See the bar over there? Great writers like Hemingway
and Faulkner drank there.
Peter: Where did that guy who
wrote Porky's drink? Oh, man! When that fat broad grabbed
that kid's crank through the hole...ah! Where do they get
their ideas? Where do they get them? You're the writer. You
tell me.
Brian: Ah, boy! This is great.
All that searching, that emptiness I felt back home, gone.
I think I finally found my life's calling, you know?
Lois: How wonderful! You know,
Brian, I've always found your writing to be a little hackneyed
and stilted, but I guess that's why I'm not working out here
in Hollywood, huh? Oh, congratulations on all your success.
Brian: Uh, thank you. You know
what might be a thrill for you guys?
Chris: Ooo! Ooo! Eating a pebble!
Brian: Yes, but I was talking
about stopping by the set to see me in action.
Lois: Brian, could we really?
Brian: You do know somebody
in the business.
Stewie: Yes, well, I'm in the
business, too. I'm going to be on television.
Brian: Great.
Stewie: Yes, and when I make
my appearance I promise you'll talk about it at the water
cooler the next day.
Brian: Yeah, well, good luck
with that.
Stewie: "Yeah, well, good luck
with that." Yutz.
[Phone ringing]
Woman: I'm trying to reach Peter
Griffin.
Peter: You're in him.
Woman: Mr. Griffin, are you
happy with your long-distance service?
Peter: Yes, and I'm sick and
tired of you people always calling during dinner. I demand
to speak to your supervisor.
Woman: Hold, please.
[muffled version of Barry Manilow's
"Looks Like We Made It" heard playing as hold music]
Lois: Peter, I love this song.
Open your mouth.
[Peter opens mouth, music gets louder]
Porn director: Brian, right
on time. I like that. Come in. So, ready? Ready to shoot your
first scene?
Brian: I sure am. Where's the
set?
Porn director: Second door on
your left.
Brian: So, this is some kind
of shampoo commercial, right?
Porn actress: Do I have to sleep
with the dog in this one?
Stagehand: Hey, can someone
fluff Paul? He's got like a windsock thing going on.
Brian: So, this is some kind
of shampoo commercial, right? Look, Zack, I'm sorry. There's
just no way I can do this. I mean, I've been around, you know.
I've licked my share of peanut butter. But I just-I think
you need to find yourself a new director.
Porn director: Are you sure?
Brian: I just can't do this.
Porn director: Come on, is this
any more degrading than washing cars? At least here you can
be creative.
Brian: Look, I want to make
this perfectly clear. There is absolutely no way I would possibly
consider doing something like this. [porn actress drops robe]
Unless I saw a script first.
Porn director: Of course.
Brian: You know, this isn't
bad.
Porn director: It's kind of
like Bang the Drum Slowly, except the drum's a chick.
[Car horn honking]
Lois: Peter, slow down. Brian
said he was gonna be on the set all day. "On the set." Listen
to me. Two days in Hollywood, and I sound like a contract
player.
[Police siren]
Peter: Oh, crap! The LAPD!
[Screaming]
Lois: Come on, Peter, I want
to save some tape for the Hollywood sign.
Peter: Okay. Thanks a lot, you
guys.
Police Officer: Our pleasure.
Have a nice vacation, sir.
Jenna Jameson JENNA: Yes! Yes! Yes!
[Heavy breathing]
Brian: Cut. Uh, okay. Nice take,
Jenna. But let's try giving the lines a little subtext this
time. Your husband's always away on business, and you feel
increasingly isolated and unloved. So you begin to think maybe
you should go back to graduate school and finish your dissertation.
And that's when you notice the cable man has taken his pants
off.
Peter: Wow! A real movie set.
Hey, this house looks kind of familiar.
Chris: I'll bet Samuel L. Jackson
is here. He's in everything. There's Brian!
Brian: Samuel, when you lay
her down in front of the fireplace I want you to enter from...oh,
my God! Hey, you guys!
Meg: Hey, Brian? Can I be in
the movie?
Porn Producer: Well, actually,
one of the Jacuzzi girls didn't show up. How long can you
hold your breath underwater, sweetie?
Meg: Real long. One time at
Hatch Pond...
Brian: No! Absolutely not! This
is a closed set! You gotta leave! Get these people out of
here, now!
Peter: Oh, what, now that you're
a big director, we embarrass you?
Brian: No, no! I mean, yes.
Stewie: Does anyone else smell
Astroglide?
Make-up artist: You're gonna
look so handsome.
Stewie: Look at these crow's
feet. My God! You stay up past 7:30, and you pay for it in
the morning.
Peter: Who the hell does Brian
think he is?
Lois: Well, maybe he thought
we'd get in the way. It wouldn't be the first time you've
disrupted a performance.
[Whimsical music playing] [Cut to
production of "Cats." Peter drives on stage and hits an actor]
Peter: Oh, jeez! Oh, God! Oh,
God! I didn't see it! It jumped right out in front of my car!
Oh, I am so sorry!
Lois: I think we just have to
face it, Peter. Brian's a big-time Hollywood director, and
we're just simple, small-town people.
Stewie: Um, all right, one more.
One more. Rob Lowe.
Make-up artist: Straight.
Stewie: No!
Make-up artist: Yes.
Stewie: Come on. Stop!
Make-up artist: Ho-hum.
Stewie: Pull over.
Make-up artist: Absolutely.
Stewie: Really?
Make-up artist: Yes.
Stewie: Oh, well, he hides it
well.
Make-up lady: Yeah, he wishes.
[Audience applauding]
Bill Cosby: "Stewie." That's
a funny name, "Stewie." It's like "stew," only with an "eeee"
at the end. I meant, it's funny, Stewie. You see, I had an
uncle named Stewie, and he used to sell bicycles.
Stewie: I'm sorry, aren't you
supposed to be asking me a question?
Bill Cosby: Stewie, what do
you think candy is made out of?
Stewie: Sunshine and farts!
What the hell kind of question is that?
Bill Cosby: I love candy! When
I was a little boy, we would play stickball!
Stewie: Oh, no. I'll wait. Oh,
you finished? I'm sorry. It's my fault, really. I thought
the name of the show was 'Kids Say the Darndest Things' not
'Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up.' Ask me what
I want to be when I grow up.
Bill Cosby: We also used to
play buck-buck.
Stewie: Enough of your blather.
[dons mind control goggles] Good evening, world. From this
moment on, I will be your...
Bill Cosby: [Chuckling] What
have you got there? You gonna go skiing now?
Stewie: Give them back to me!
They're of no use to you!
Bill Cosby: I'm going down the
mountain.
Audience: [Laughing]
Stewie: No! Don't listen to
him! That's not funny! That's just saying what happens when
you go skiing!
Bill Cosby: Here I go, down
the slope. I'm going zip zop...
Audience: [Laughing]
Stewie: Stop it! Stop applauding
him! He's not even using real words anymore!
Bill Cosby: We'll be back with
a little girl from Atlanta who skips rope with her sister's
pigtails. [Making ridiculous noises]
Stewie: No! My segment's not
over!
Bill Cosby: Come on, little
fellow. You like to jump rope, don't you?
Stewie: I-like-jump rope.
Bill Cosby: All right. So, you're
gonna just sit here and enjoy it.
Stewie: I'm gonna sit here and
enjoy it. And I like pudding. And Ghost Dad was the best movie
I've seen since Leonard Part 6.
Audience: [Audience applauding]
Jasper: Good news! Good news!
Brian: What, more people I love
think I'm an arrogant jerk?
Jasper: You're more than that
Mr. "Nominated for an Adult Movie Award for Best Director."
Brian: A Woody? I'm up for a
Woody?
Jasper: C'mon, call your family.
I'll bet they'll be really proud of you.
Brian: No, I'd rather they think
I'm a jerk than a smut peddler.
Jasper: Brian, they're your
family. They'll love you even if you made a couple of crappy
movies. I mean, Blythe Danner still loves Gwyneth Paltrow.
Ooh, score one for me!
Melissa Rivers: Welcome back
to E!'s Adult Video Awards preshow. It's a good crowd here
tonight, Mom.
Joan Rivers: It sure is, Melissa.
All the studs and sluts are arriving. Brian! Brian!
Brian: Uh, hey.
Joan Rivers: You're nominated
for three of the seven films you directed yesterday: Add Momma
to the Train, The Purple Head of Cairo and, uh-what was the
third one?
Brian: You've Got Male Genitalia.
Joan Rivers: You know, I was
asked to star in a porno once. Yeah, but I couldn't. 'Cause,
you know, most of my body is less than 18 years old. [Laughing]
I used to guest host The Tonight Show.
Brian: Oh, yeah. What was that,
like, 30 years ago? Your mike isn't plugged in. You're not
even on television right now, are you?
Joan Rivers: In my mind! [Groaning]
Ron Jeremy: The next award is
for Best Original Score in an adult film. And the nominees
are Ron Jones...[funky music playing]...Walter Murphy...[similar
funky music]...and John Williams.[Orchestral music playing]
Lois: Well, you've come a long
way from hiding from the vacuum cleaner.
Brian: Lois!
Peter: Hey, buddy. Hey, how
are you, Alfred Hitch"cock"? You like that one, Dick Hertz?
I'm sorry. I'm already drunk.
Brian: How did you guys know?
Lois: Jasper called. Brian,
why didn't you tell us?
Brian: I thought you'd be ashamed
of me.
Peter: You kiddin'? I ought
to knock you out for not bringing me here sooner. Look at
the pair on that one, Lois. Bigger than your head.
Brian: So, you guys aren't offended
by this?
Lois: Well, I can't say I approve,
but we love you. If this is what makes you happy, we support
you.
Brian: My God! I thought I needed
to get away from you guys to find what was missing in my life
but the only thing I'm missing is my family. How could I ever
have become involved in this filthy, degrading business?
Ron Jeremy: ...And the award
goes to Brian Griffin!
Audience: [Cheers]
Brian: Wow! My God! This is
unexpected. I want to thank my incredible production team,
who've been with me from 'Shaving Private Ryan' all the way
to 'Welcome to My Face.'
Lois: He lives with us back
in Quahog.
Porn Producer: You got a nice
wiggle, baby. You want to be in a movie, huh? A little girl-girl
action, maybe?
Lois: Peter!
Peter: Good luck, buddy. I've
been barking up that tree for 17 years.
[back on airplane]
Lois: Well, that was a wonderful
trip! And everyone has something to remember it by.
Peter: You're gonna love it
at our house, Jenna Jameson.
Jenna Jameson: [Muffled cries]
[closing theme music]
