Family Guy Fun

Tales of a Third Grade Nothing

Family Guy 7x06 - Tales of a Third Grade Nothing
Timing: Razzzma Script: reaper
[Pawtucket brewery]
Griffin, I need you to run this shipping report upstairs to the CEO.
Huh? There's nothing fun or entertaining about that.
Maybe if I walk down the hall with the wisecracking Rebe.
Do you charge a lot for your circumcisions?
No, I just keep the tips.
All right, where's the CEO office.
[Executive bathroom]
Yeah, I always wanted to sit inside of the executive bathroom.
Executive bathroom, sir?
Uh-- Yes.
Right this way.
So, eh-- Where is this executive bathroom?
Welcome to Executive Bathroom Island!
[Executive Bathroom Island]
Well, this is peaceful.
Good morning, Lois.
Wow, Peter, since when do you get such dressed up for work?
Since I got tired of getting nowhere in this world, Lois.
I have decided to do whatever it takes to becoming executive.
Well, it would certainly be great if you got a promotion.
You'd earn more money, get better health insurance.
Lois, I am doing this for the bathroom.
And I'm not giving up on my dream like I did with that indoor hot air balloon.
And away we go.
No, no, no, no, no, noooo.
- I can't feel my legs! - Welcome to the party, pal.
- No, wait, here they are. - Uh--
[Quahog Cabana] [Tonight: Franck Sinatra Jr.]
Call it hell, call it heaven
It's a probable twelve to seven
that the guy's only doing it for some doll
some doll! some doll!
the guy's only doing it for some do-o-o-oll
Boy, it sure is great to have you back in town, Franck.
Yeah, but this place is dead.
I don't know, that one guy seem to like it.
I like everything. Including ginger ale.
Pssst. That's my way of ordering a ginger ale.
Sorry, I can't pay you more, guys, but business has been bad.
I'm actually looking to sell the joint.
Oh, you can't sell this place. So few clubs play real music anymore.
Well, you wanna buy it? I'll give you a good deal.
You know, that's not a bad idea.
Yeah, we could really turn this place around.
If we play our cards right, this could be bigger than the Appolo Theater.
All right now, next up we get the comedy style, it's Kim Li Song, give it up.
How you doing tonight?
So, you ever noticed when two black guys coming into your convinient store
and one go one way and one go the other way?
What they doing? What they stealing? Who with me?
You stay out of my store! All you stay out of my store! I remember your face!
[Pawtucket brewery]
Peter, I want you to retype those--
Wow! What is this? Have you been cleaning?
Yep! I'm working extra hard, so you'll promote me.
Well, based on your track record you'll understand if I have trouble believing you.
Believe it, Angela, I hate being just a cargo around here.
Almost as much as I hate homeless people asking me for money.
- Spare some change. - Sure.
You didn't put anything in there.
Yes I did. I put hope in there.
Don't spend it all in one place, raggie.
[Pawtucket brewery]
Griffin, what the hell is this?
It's a robot that I built to save this company money.
Now, before you say anything,
one, it has no human emotions,
and two, its prime directive is never to harm people.
Oh god! It's harming people.
Angry! Angry!
Oh god! It's got human emotions too.
It's using tools. It's learning, Angela, it's learning. Run!
[Pawtucket brewery]
What are you want, Griffin?
Angela, look out your window.
You see that Anheuser Busch billborad next to the children's hospital?
Well, watch this.
Oh god!
Oh my god, this is horrible.
Oh god! Oh that's terrible.
Oh, good lord, save them. Bless the--
Aw, oka, okay, yeah! Here we go! Now, everything worked out.
Stewie, guess what.
Franck and I just closed the deal to buy the Quahog Cabana club.
Oh, well, Brian, what else are you doing such terrible and stupid?
Just wait, in a few weeks that club will be the hottest spot in Quahog.
Huh, you're deluting yourself.
You're gonna fail faster than John Maddens wedding video business.
[Mike and Stacy's Wedding]
Boom, here's your groom over here.
Boom, you got your bride right here.
A lot of people says Stacy's no good
and she slept with this guy
and then that guy,
and even this guy.
Well, tell you something, that experience's gonna work in her favor later in the game.
You know, what a hack of a wedding? Brad Farve.
[Pawtucket brewery]
Griffin, I've got good news.
Our management level position has become available
and I've seen that you've been working very hard lately.
I'm recommending you for a promotion.
- Ah, and I could use the executive bathroom? - Of course.
Holy crap! You know, last week I ate a fortune cookie and it said
"Obvious lesbian will bring great news"
And also said "A great piano will fall on me".
Well-- Good day to you.
And I will, um--
Yeah, I mean, we're-- we're done.
Just eh-- squeeze by you here.
[Pawtucket brewery]
[Human resources]
Hi, is this where I get the poop pass to use the executive bathroom?
Sit down, mr. Griffin. We need to talk.
Okay, well, make it fast, 'cause I'm starting to crown.
Mr. Griffin, all our executives require a high school education.
And your file says that you never passed the third grade.
If you want this promotion, you're going to have to go back and finish.
Well, that sounds hilarious but it also sounds like it might take a while.
I'm afraid that's your only option.
Well, I mean, if that's what I got to do, then I guess I--
Next time you got a fortune cookie don't open it.
Bye, you guys, have fun at school.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, Peter, stop pouting.
All you got to do is finish third grade and you'll get that promotion.
Grrr, this is gonna be the bigger pain in the ass than getting into "Last Clap" contest with Cleveland.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Quahog mens chorus.
Hey, hey, hey! Clap one more time, you're not coming to my birthday.
- Who did that? - Giggity.
[Martin Mull elementary]
Good morning, class. Starting today we have a new student.
Peter, would you like to introduce yourself?
Hi, my name's Peter Griffin, um--
I was actually in third grade a long time ago but I've never finished.
Back then we had a teacher named mrs. Wilson.
Except-- Except we had this funny little nickname for her.
We called her mrs. Killson. 'Cause she had an abortion.
I know, I know, it's kinda silly but we were-- You know, we were just a bunch of kids.
I'm sorry, go ahead, mrs.-- uh--
Wilson. Thank you, Peter.
Why don't you sit over there, next to Omar?
Omar is our top student
and we're hoping he'll lead us to victory next week in the district "Spelling Bee".
What are you doing in our class? You're old. Are you stupid or something?
Aw, picking on a new kid, huh?
Well, at least my parents didn't name me Gaymar.
Wow! I never knew you can make fun of someone for being homosexual.
And by laughing at other people's sexuality
somehow I feel better of it at my own.
[Quahog Cabana] [Grand re-opening]
Hey, Brian, where are all the people?
They'll be here, Franck. We just got to give them time.
And wouldn't you know it, there's our first customer.
I'll entertain him while we wait for more to arrive.
So, thanks for coming. How are you doing tonight?
Glad to hear it. Any requests?
Play on the dark side
like John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band.
Give it up, Brian, noone wants to go to a stupid big band club anymore.
You know, I could help you make some changes around here that would bring in customers.
You know, Brian, we should give Stewie a shot. It can't hurt.
Well, what do you have in mind?
Just trust me, Brian, I know exactly what to do.
You've got to be aggressive.
Even more aggressive than Michael Jackson's treatment of his own groin on stage.
Thank you.
[Martin Mull elementary]
All right, Suzie. What have you brought in for Show and Tell?
This is my Malibu Barbie doll that I got for Christmas this year.
She comes with a hairbrush, a pocketbook and two different dresses.
Oh my god! Who the hell cares?
Peter, I would like to remind you that you are in a classroom.
Not for long.
Can I help you, sir?
Hi there, my name's Glenn Griffin. Um, I'm here to pick up my son Peter for a ball ga--
Uh, doctor's appointment.
- Peter is your son? - That is affirmative.
Because you look a lot more like that child over there.
- Daddy? - Oh god!
- Daady? - Oh god!
- Papa? - Oh god!
- Hey, there are no kids in here, right? - No, just me.
Oh, thank god!
You wanna have unprotected sex?
What the hell did Stewie do to this place?
Hey, get a load of Meaner J. Cribbs(?) over here
he's rubbing the records with his hand.
Hey! Hey! You gonna ruin that, you know.
He-hey, there they are.
Stewie, what is all this? What did you do to the Cabana Club?
Ew, we don't call it the Cabana Club anymore, Franck. It's now called pLace.
Little P, big L.
Congratulations! You two now own the hottest spot in town.
Wow, that's a lot of people. I hope we have enough rhye(?).
How'd you pay for all this?
I got a job as a field reporter for Channel 5 News.
And all the juice is being collected underneath?
Yes. And whoever collects the most is gonna win a free weekend
here in the chateau with interhational food and wine tastings.
Oh, I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.
Oh, gosh, I-- I hope he's all right.
Well, we'll have to send someone to make sure that he is.
[Martin Mull elementary]
- Hey, Omar, want a Hurt's donut? - Um-- Okay.
Hurts donut.
Wow, he effectively silenced Omar by hitting him in the face.
My dad hits me but I bet, if I hit others, the pain stops.
Someday I'll use what I've learned here on my wife.
Peter, is this your homework?
Eh, hold on, let me take out my reading glasses.
[Homework is for buttlickers]
Yeah, that's mine.
I could flank you for this.
But buttlickers is three syllable word.
Not even Omar can spell those.
So, you're joining him at next weeks districts "Spelling Bee".
I you'll lead our school to victory, I'll let you pass third grade.
But if you lose, you fail.
I accept that challenge.
Light 70's Bruce Jenner, take me home.
Hup on, Peter.
So, Brian, how is it feel to own the coolest club in Quahog?
You think this is cool? Look at these people.
I'd rather go bankrupt than cater to pretentious jerks like this.
Wow, Brian, slow down, man.
We're making money now and besides this place ain't no bad.
Hey, you girls thirsty? Could I interest you in a couple of Rob Roys?
What's a Rob Roy?
Only V drink of Mr. Peter Lawford.
Who's Peter Lawford?
What am I hitting on Lou Costello here?
Who's Lou Costello?
Uh, sorry, my-- my friend's a little new at the club scene.
Geez, what the hell's with this broads(?)?
Look at you two, taxes in the night club?
Got, you're more out of place than Prince was on Price's right.
And what's your bid on the dining room said, Prince?
- I'm sorry? - Three--
Can you speak up, please.
All right and the actual retail price of the dining room said is
- three hundred fifty dollars. - Yeeeah.
Peter, wake up!
Oh, Lois, I've just had a weirdest dream
that Louis Black told jokes that was so funny he had to shout them so everyone could hear.
Peter, you got to stay awake, the Spelling Bee's tomorrow.
But, Lois, I'm ascared, there's no way I can compete against other kids.
This like trained a Beach Shpoople champion Fiorg Wanderplug get a game a shpoople.
Don't be said, Paiter. That's why they call it shpoople.
God, we look like idiots.
He-hey, that's more like it. Where'd you get the threads?
We went to Barney's, I heared that's where all the famous people shop for skinny leg jeans.
These are the thightest penis-compressing and
sperm-killing and testicles-grippinest jeans I ever tried on.
Brian, Franck, meet Dakota and New Bedford.
- Hey, how is it hanging, Dakota? - What's up, New Bedford?
You look like rappers but you're not black so that's the perfect 'em out of danger.
God, hell. You guys get to know each other.
Looks like my doormate let another gazelle in there.
I'm sorry but we've been over this before. We don't serve your kind here.
You're gonna hear from my lawyer.
Yeah! You know, I would welcome that.
I would welcome the opportunity to hear from a lawyer that represents a gazelle.
What's his name?
Yeah, I don't have a lawyer.
And I'll tell you something about Dean Martin.
He was the only guy on the golf course who had a five iron with the cork on the end of it.
So, who wants to come back to hotel and take a wack at my genitals?
- Cool! - Awesome!
All right, we got a ball game.
Hang on, girls, I'll get you a couple of appletinies.
This is going great, Franck! This club and this closes
My god, there's nothing that could stop us.
Hey, party people, I'm ready to get 86
- Andy Dick! - Oh, no!
C'mon, let's get out of here.
- What the hell just happened? - Andy Dick happened.
As soon as that guy shows up anyplace, it gets a worse rapped than John Wilkes Booth.
Stupid hat, damn it.
I paid fifteen cents for this ticket.
No, he didn't.
God! Could he be anymore annoying?
Ah, hey, stop!
Tomme-e-e-e, ha-ha-ha.
Hey, here, you took that black chick home?
Hey, hey, you're welcome, ha-ha-ha.
[Quahog Civic Center] [District Spelling Bee]
Our next spelling bee contestant is
Omar Maha-- Jarif-- Faa
Something september-eleventy.
All right, Omar, your word is candy.
Candy: C-A-N-D-Y.
That's correct.
Our next contestant is Peter Griffin.
Peter, your word is tree.
Can you use it in a sentence, please?
There's a tree by the lake.
Huh-- Can you use it in a dirty sentence?
I like to bring transient hookers to the old oak-tree
where I asphyxiate myself at the same time I watch them having sex with each other.
- Tree. - Correct.
We're now down to our final two competitors.
Peter Griffin and Omar NorthTower.
Omar, you'll be going first. Your word is--
Oh, I'm sorry, Omar. But you could spell buckscutter.
I'm nine years old and I'm indian.
All right, Peter, if you spell your next word correctly, you'll win the competition.
Your word is-- lesbians.
Can you use it in the sentence?
The two lesbians are going shopping.
Can you use it in a dirty sentence?
The two lesbians are going shopping for double sided marade(?) leads.
Wait! Can you use it in a labelist sentence?
Gillian Anderson and Helen Hunt are lesbians.
- L-E-S-B-I-A-N-S - Correct!
I did it, Lois. My god, I did it.
You sure did, Peter, I'm so proud of you.
Way to go, dad.
Yeah, you're a smart fella, dad.
And you're a fart smeller, Meg.
Let's go home.
[Pawtucket brewery]
Angela, I did it, I finished the third grade.
I'm ready for my promotion.
Griffin, you blew up a children's hospital, you're going to jail.
What, you think, everyone just forgot about that?
There was an investigation, fingerprints, forensic reports.
Nineteen childred died, Peter.
And the FBI knows it was you.
Mr. Griffin, this court finds you guilty.
and sentences you to seven days in prison.
You'll be out next sunday at nine.
God! I can't believe we bought this ridiculous clothes for a club that didn't even last.
Hey, come on, we had a great seventy-two hour run and in this business that's all you can ask for.
Besides, I've already opened a new club that's even more exclusive than this one.
Really? Where is it?
Brian, it's so exclusive that it doesn't even have a location.
It's in here, human heart.
I think that's a beat we can all done, Stu.
Wow, I weirdly feel a lot better.
Hey, Brian, what do you say, we sing Stewie some real music?
Sounds good to me.
On the western side of Quahog
if you care to come along
there's a club that's so exclusive
that a line is ten miles long
Where the douchebags come to party
and to spend their fathers cash
just to take home slutty women
and then wake up with the rash
yeah, they wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up with a rash
Take me out to pLace tonight
where the ...(?) keep our tight
and the guys in hooded sweatshirts
have forgotten that they're white
Take me out to pLace tonight
where there ain't no sell you(?) light
and we'll drink ourselfs insane until we're feeling
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