Family Guy Fun

The Splendid Source

Hi. This is Peter.
Don't get scared that you can
hear my voice
but you can't see me.
This is the story of a great
that happened to me and
some of my pals.
It all began innocently enough,
with my stupid wife showing me
some dumb-ass brochure.
So, here's where we'll all
be staying this weekend.
You and I will have one cabin,
and Bonnie and Joe and Quagmire
will have the other two.
Ah, this is going
to be so much fun!
Hi, Chris. How was school?
Not good.
I got suspended for
saying bad words.
Oh, for God's sake!
My principal wants to
meet with you guys.
Should we go?
It sounds like a trap.
Yes, Peter, we should go.
All right, but if it's a
trap and we don't come back,
I get to make smart-alecky remarks
when we're tied up back-to-back,
like last time.
Any more bright ideas, Professor?
Mr. and Mrs. Griffin,
the reason Chris was suspended
is that he told a very
inappropriate joke in class.
Well, Principal Shepherd,
we promise you it
won't happen again.
I don't know where
Chris heard the joke,
but I can assure you
it wasn't at home.
Was it, Chris?
No. Mr. Quagmire told it to me.
I should have figured.
Was it the one where the blind man
walks by the fish market and says,
"Good morning, ladies"?
I told you that one!
You told me that one.
I sure did.
We enjoy each other's company.
Hey, Quagmire.
You know, you got Chris
suspended from school
for telling one of
your dirty jokes.
Oh, gosh, Peter, I'm sorry.
You want me to talk to him?
Well, no, actually, I...
I want you to tell me the joke.
Yeah, tell us the joke.
You want to hear it? All right.
So, this chick meets a
guy at a bar, and...
P.S. Your vagina's in the sink.
Oh, God, I pooped my pants.
It's funny when it
happens to other people.
Yuck. That's the end
of those underwears.
I didn't know what to do,
so I took them off
and hummed them at the wall,
and they started sliding down
like one of them sticky octopuses.
Well, it's a pretty funny joke,
you know, when you think about it.
"Your vagina's in the sink."
Damn it!
Wow. He poops every
time he hears that joke.
He does, doesn't he?
Get out of here, Quagmire!
I just put on clean pants!
Who's texting me?
Damn it!
Stop it, you guys!
You're ruining all my clothes!
Okay, Quagmire, he's asleep.
You just pooped all over the bed!
When you poop in your dreams,
you poop for real.
Hello, fellas.
Hey, Pete... Hey,
those are my pants.
That's right. Thought I'd come by
and see if you have
any jokes to tell.
I enjoy a joke.
I don't know.
I want to tell the joke,
but I like those pants.
I'll tell the joke.
Go ahead, Joe. I'm all anus.
Joe, don't you dare.
I'll push you
straight into traffic.
Peter, you win.
All right, I won't
tell the joke anymore.
You know, I-I got to admit,
despite all the problems,
that joke is freaking hilarious.
Where'd you hear it?
Bruce told it to me.
No way Bruce came up with that.
Where'd he hear it?
I don't know-
probably just around.
I mean, where does any
dirty joke come from?
Hey, you know, Joe is right.
There's a million of them.
They got to be coming
from somewhere.
I mean, somebody's got to
be making these things up.
Well, who? I don't know.
But haven't you ever
wanted to find out?
Well, yeah, but how
would anyone do that?
A quest, Joe.
We go on a quest to find the source
of the world's dirty jokes.
Who's with me?
Well, I'm with you.
Oh, what the hell? So am I.
And so began our journey
to find the splendid source
of off-color humor as we know it.
Our first stop was to see Bruce.
Oh, hey.
What size shoes is y'alls?
Actually, we're not here to bowl.
We were wondering where you heard
that dirty joke you told Quagmire.
Oh, that one? Oh, no.
I'm not going to tell y'all
that one here at the workplace.
Too dirty.
Maybe after quitting time,
I'll have a mimosa
and tell y'all then.
Look, you blade, just tell
us who you heard it from.
It turned out the joke already had
quite a history.
Bruce had heard it from Consuela.
Consuela heard it from Mayor West.
West heard it from Dr.
Hartman heard it from Angela,
Angela from Opie, Opie from Herbert.
Herbert heard it from Tom Tucker.
Tucker heard it from Bender
on Futurama,
oddly enough, for some reason.
Bender heard it from Al Harrington,
Harrington from REO Speedwagon.
? Heard it from a friend who ?
? Heard it from a friend who ?
? Heard it from another... ?
REO Speedwagon saved us several stops,
as they, too, had backtracked
the joke to some extent.
But when their trail had led
to a bartender in Virginia,
they had given up,
much the way the world
had given up on them.
In fact, just to kick them
a couple extra bucks,
here's five seconds
of "Time for Me to Fly."
No, don't!
All the money goes
to my bitch ex-wife!
Can you play our song?
Okay, lead singer from Asia.
? Now, sure as the sun
will cross the sky ?
? This lie is over... ?
We can't go to Virginia, Peter.
Bonnie and Lois planned that
couples weekend to Maine.
We're supposed to
leave in the morning.
Yeah, Peter,
we've looked long enough.
Maybe the joke doesn't
have a source.
Don't be stupid.
Somebody had to have made it up.
And we're going to find out who.
Besides, this will be way more fun
than hanging out in
Maine with the wives,
sitting around a campfire,
listening to Lois
tell grocery stories.
"Oh, Peter, you should
have been there.
"Uncle Ben's converted
brown rice was on sale.
They marked it down from $12 to...
to three..."
Whatever-- I don't
know how much rice is,
but you know what I'm saying.
Okay, Peter,
I've got the directions.
Head north on the turnpike.
That's going to be the
quickest route to Maine.
Sure, Lois.
Say, ladies, I was wondering
if you could tell me--
what was childbirth like?
Oh, Glenn, you have no idea.
It's something no man
could understand.
Think of the most intense
pain you've ever felt,
and imagine feeling that for hours.
Well, and then,
by the eighth month,
I had hemorrhoids that hung
like bunches of grapes.
And then, they said I was four
centimeters dilated.
They didn't think I was far enough,
but I was like,
"I can tell you I'm far enough.
And that's when Chris was born.
Gosh, that's all so fascinating.
Let me ask you something else.
Have you girls ever worked
in an office with other women
who you have negative
things to say about?
Oh, God, yes. Oh, my God.
Quagmire, shut up. We're here.
You drove us to Virginia?!
All right, look, we're sorry
we deceived you girls,
but this is important.
The trail leads to a
bartender who works here.
He could be the source
of the dirty joke.
Hi, there. What can I
do for you gentlemen?
We've traveled a very long way
to find out where
you heard this joke.
I remember that.
I heard it from that guy.
Hey, fellas.
Holy crap!
Who knew we'd run into you here?
Except everyone,
if Fox ruined it in the promos.
What a surprise this is.
Donna, it's so nice of you
to invite us to stay here.
Oh, Lois, it's my pleasure.
I don't think we've seen you
folks since the wedding.
Still waiting on that gift.
The gift was the show.
Uh, she doesn't know
what she's talking about.
It's great to have
you-all down here.
Hey, you know, Cleveland,
you better hide
the markers from your kids.
Somebody colored in your Jesus.
Somebody colored in your ass
with too much ass, fat-ass.
All right, Cleveland,
let's get down to business.
Who told you the joke?
A bellhop at the Royale
Hotel in Washington, DC.
I met him when I took
Cleveland Jr. there
to see the Lincoln Memorial.
But then Daddy got frustrated
'cause he couldn't find it,
so we just ate fast
food in the parking lot.
I'm just saying,
maybe put up a damn sign.
Anyway, the bellhop's
name is Sal Russo.
He knows every dirty
joke ever written.
Then that's the guy
we got to talk to.
Everyone, don't get too used
to being around black people,
'cause we are going
to Washington, DC.
Now, wait a minute, Peter.
Donna's been nice enough to
invite us to stay the weekend,
and frankly, that sounds better
than continuing this
wild-goose chase.
Well, Lois, if you and
Bonnie want to stay here,
maybe Cleveland could join us.
Yeah, it'd be just like old times.
What do you say, Cleveland?
Oh, I don't know.
I've kind of got my own life now.
All right, well, if you have
a sudden change of heart
and you want to chase
us down the street
as we're pulling away,
you know where to find us.
Okay, guys, I got one.
Would you rather get
a massage from a man
or surgery from a female doctor?
Like, minor surgery?
No, serious surgery.
Like a blown kidney or something.
Good question, Peter.
Is the man gay? No.
Is the female doctor at
least Jewish or Asian?
No, but, actually, you know what?
I'm going to take it up a notch.
Hispanic female doctor
or gay male masseuse?
Hispanic from Spain?
Ah. Ah. Ah.
So, it's basically-
would you rather
get a massage from
a gay man or die?
All right, I got another one.
Let Amy Winehouse
spit in your mouth
or eat a raw slice of
Anderson Cooper's ass?
Sign me up for Cooper.
What the hell?
What the hell was that about?
Who were those guys?
I don't know,
but I'll tell you this--
I saw one of them back
in the bar in Stoolbend.
You think they wereollowing us?
Either that or they got a grudge
against our back windshield.
Ah, Joe, that's so dumb.
Why would anybody be
trying to kill us?
It might be safe to assume
that someone does not want us
to learn the origin of that joke.
We had no idea how right Cleveland was.
And if we had known what lay ahead,
we would've stopped right there
and gone straight back to Quahog.
But we didn't know.
We didn't know.
There it is-- Washington, DC,
the seat of government
for the world's former
most powerful nation.
Wow, those are all the monuments
I read about in school.
There's the Washington Monument.
There's the Obama Monument.
And there's the
Vietnam War Memorial.
Yeah, check out that Vietnamese
guy giving the business
to those Vietnam Vets.
Scoreboard! Scoreboard!
Aw, what happened to your friend?!
Hey, I know that guy!
I kill him!
He cry like a bitch!
Vietnam, undefeated!
All right, this is the hotel
where the bellhop works.
Hey, there he is. Sal!
Well, hey, Cleveland!
What are you doin' here?
I was wondering
if my friends and I could
ask you a few questions.
Yeah, where'd you hear that
dirty joke you told Cleveland?
That's none of your business!
Leave me alone!
Don't let him get away!
Hop on!
Where did he go?!
I think he went that way,
past the Reflecting Pool!
Damn! He's nowhere in sight.
I'll ask these fellas.
Maybe they've seen him.
Excuse me, have you seen...?
H-H-Hold on a second. I'm trying...
Hold on a sec.
Hey, pal, stop talking
while I'm talking, all right?
You want a sandwich
full'a knuckles? Do ya?
All right, that's it.
Cleveland, you take Cleveland.
Joe, you take Joe.
Quagmire, you take Quagmire
and I'll get Fatty McLoudmouth.
It's no use, Peter.
We've lost him.
Our journey had abruptly ended,
and the trail had gone cold.
Well, I guess
we're never gonna find
the source of that joke.
I guess there's nothing to do now
but head back home.
Stop right where you are!
Down on the ground!
We were all terrified
that this would prove
to be an unexpected end to our journey.
But little did we know,
our journey was far from over.
Aah! Aah!
Ooh! Oh!
All right, did you get
the parking validated?
Ugh! No.
That was the whole reason we walked
through Crate & Barrel.
We'd been captured,
tied up and kidnapped.
And as if that weren't bad enough,
we found ourselves on a plane,
headed to an unknown destination.
Where the hell are they takin' us?
I don't know,
but I got a bad feeling.
Every plane.
Every plane there's
gotta be a crying baby
and a mother ignoring it.
Yes, he's crying. Babies cry.
After flying for what seemed
like hours,
we found ourselves approaching
a strange island
on the horizon.
What the hell is this place?
It is that which you have
been seeking, gentlemen.
Who are you?
I am the dean.
The dean of what?
The Dean of the Secret Order
of Dirty Joke Writers.
So these are the people who write
all the world's dirty jokes?
Indeed they are.
Hey, isn't that Stephen Hawking?
So the housewife tells the plumber,
"Okay, you cleed my pipes,
now get to work on that sink."
And there's Bill Gates.
Is there some joke area
of a beaver eating a woodpecker?
Is that something...
? Would that work?
Wow. These are some of the
world's smartest people.
Not a lot of women.
Yeah, not a lot of women.
What are they all doing here?
Well, many of the world's
greatest geniuses
secretly devote themselves
to coming up with the
world's dirtiest jokes.
Oh, it's been that
way for centuries.
Great men such as Ben Franklin,
Charles Dickens, Albert Einstein.
Shakespeare, of course.
I got a spear you can shake.
Ha! There you go,
put that in one of your jokes.
Let me show you around.
From this room,
we can see the entire
world's joke supply.
This way we can tailor jokes
to where the need is greatest.
Sir, we have a Best Man
giving a toast at a wedding,
and he is just bombing.
Put it up on the screen.
Jim's... Jim's so clumsy,
it's like he's got two
left feet and left hands.
Permission to go to the
"bride is a whore" file, sir.
Permission granted.
Anyway, if Sheila was a road sign,
it would read "Open Trench."
Well, gentlemen,
I hope you've enjoyed
the tour of our facility.
This was amazing!
Guys, we did it!
We found the source of
the world's dirty jokes!
I can't wait to tell all
the guys back at the Clam!
Oh, I'm afraid that's
quite impossible.
What do you mean?
Well, you've seen
our secret island.
You know about our network
of joke distribution agents,
like the bellhop.
We can't allow the
secret to be revealed.
I'm afraid you must stay here
for the rest of your lives.
What are we gonna do now?
We gotta come up
with an escape plan.
Hey, guys, I can see the
plane that brought us here!
If we can figure out a way to get to it,
I can fly us home!
I got an idea.
One of us should
pretend we're hurt,
and when the guards come in
to give him medical attention,
we'll jump 'em!
That's perfect, Joe.
Hey, Cleveland,
you got a pencil on you?
Oh, gosh, I don't know.
Oh, wait, here you go.
Aah! What the hell?!
Hey, help, help!
We have an emergency!
You dick!
What's going on in here?!
This man has been injured!
He needs medical attention!
Come on. Let's get outta here!
All right, let's hurry
up and find a way out!
Well, well,
it's quite clear the four of
you are going to be a problem.
Kill them.
My God, I've done it!
After 80 years of
work and research,
I have written the
greatest dirty joke
in the history of mankind!
Give me that! Not on your life!
Take one step closer
and the paper gets it.
Drop your guns! Do as he says!
Put it out!
Put it out!
Oh, my God!
It's heading for the first
dead baby joke ever written!
Look what we did.
We destroyed a place
that brought joy
and laughter to the entire world.
Is that the end of all dirty jokes?
Well, maybe it is.
But Peter's got the best one
ever written right there.
Read it, Peter.
"Guess what?
Chicken butt."
That's it? That's the joke?
No, this is the joke!
Now take me back to Virginia,
so I can put some
Bacitracin on this
and pork my wife!
It was a great adventure.
And it was great having Cleveland
along with us again.
He hasn't changed a bit.
Didn't grab one check.
Anyway, that's our story
about the splendid source
of all dirty jokes.
For those of you who stuck around
till the end,
you deserve a reward.
So here's some footage of an ape
scratching himself.
See, the March of Dimes wanted
this air time
to talk about cancer kids or somethin',
but I was like, "No way!
Monkey scratch!", its operators, and any images and quotes contained on this site relating to "Family Guy" are not authorized by FOX. "Family Guy" TM and ® FOX and its related companies. All rights reserved. Please visit the official site for Family Guy. It is maintained by a Family Guy fan. www.drodd.comSite Meter

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