Family Guy Fun

Quagmire's Dad

Okay, I'm off.
Well, we knew this day would come.
Good luck wherever you wind up.
Take care, buddy.
Call if you want.
If not, take care of yourself.
I'm just going away for a few days.
Oh. Oh, okay.
Yeah, there's a
seminar on creating...
Really? It would be
that easy for you?
What? You thought I
was leaving forever
and you just said, "Good luck"?
What the hell was that?
Brian, take it easy.
You're not leaving forever.
You're just leaving for a few days.
What do you want, a parade?
You know what? Never mind.
Look, Brian, face it, you're a dog.
The fact that your last name
is Griffin is a pleasantry
extended from our family,
not by any legality.
Yeah, and someday,
when you're ready,
you're gonna walk off
into the woods and die.
And we're prepared for that.
Yeah, so there's this seminar
in New Haven on creating your
own Web-based Internet series.
Sounds like it could
be right up my alley.
Is this another one
of those classes
where you make the checks out
directly to the teacher's name?
Feel good about that?
Feel good about what you just said?
You gonna go, Brian,
or should I get the can of pennies?
Guys, I got some great news!
My dad's coming to visit.
Oh-ho! Hide the women!
So, we're finally gonna get to meet
the man of a thousand chicks.
That's right. You think I've
been with a lot of broads.
My dad's had more pie
than Kirstie Alley.
Anyway, the navy is honoring him
at this year's naval ball
for all his bravery in Vietnam.
Wow, you must be proud.
Sure am. He was like a hero
to me when I was growing up.
You know who was my hero?
Aquaman... and his secret
alter ego, Arthur Curry.
Wow, you saved our lives, Aquaman!
Just doing my job.
Arthur Curry!
Did you see Aquaman?
He was just here!
Oh, darn, I must've missed him.
We forgot to tell him thanks.
Oh, I have a feeling
he already knows.
Hey, guys. Come on in.
Dad, they're here!
At ease, ladies.
Hey, Glenn, you're not gonna
give your dad an entrance?
Oh, yeah, yeah, I forgot.
Guys, watch this.
? Are you ready, boots? ?
? Start walking! ?
Ha! That's my dad!
No one dances like Lieutenant
Commander Dan Quagmire.
Dad, this is Joe and Peter.
Joe and Peter!
Which one are you? Peter, sir.
Look at you.
You're a chowhound,
aren't ya, Pete?
Don't want to get behind
you in the mess hall, huh?
No, sir. No, you don't, sir.
I'd stand and salute you, sir,
but this is the best I can do.
I'll take it.
And a salutey-rooty-toot-tooty
back to you, my friend.
Sir, you gotta tell
them about the time
you had to eject from your
plane behind enemy lines.
And I will, but first,
it's been a long trip.
This sailor needs a cosmo.
A cosmo?
Hey, it's got to be
5:00 somewhere, right?
Okay, fine. I'll make you one;
you tell a story.
He can be such a nudge.
So, anyhoo, I remember that
day like it was yesterday.
I'd gotten a haircut
earlier that day,
the first one I ever got over there
that looked like anything.
So all of a sudden,
we get these orders.
And, of course,
it's the day of all days
I have to put on a helmet.
I remember the sky was
a majestic orange.
The breeze was just warm
enough that you could wear
short sleeves,
but you know, not so warm
that you break any kind of a sweat.
because let me tell you,
I do hate to perspire. It just ruins...
Oh, sorry, that's my
auto spell correct.
But, uh, yeah, he's super gay.
Brian, it's so boring here.
When are you coming back?
I'll be back soon, Stewie.
And I gotta tell you, though,
this seminar is great.
I'm really learning a lot.
I'll tell you all about
it when I get home, okay?
I'll talk to you later.
Wait, wait, hang on, Brian!
There was, um, something
else I wanted to tell you.
Um, the mail came a little
later than usual today.
Yeah, Stewie, I gotta go.
Ooh, wait, hang on, hang on!
Did I tell you about...
that over there?
Stewie, I can't physically
see what you're pointing at.
I'm getting off now. Bye.
Well, your loss, Brian.
That thing over there
is pretty interesting.
Huh? An alien in a grass skirt
juggling torches.
All right, you're all done. Go.
Come on, Stewie. Time for bed.
Oh, get a job!
Peter, what are you doing home?
I thought you'd be out on the town
with Quagmire and hid dad.
Lois, you're not
gonna believe this.
Quagmire's dad's gay.
What? Quagire never said
anything about that.
I don't think he knows.
It's like he doesn't
even notice it.
Really? Well, then how
do you know he's gay?
And a lot of little things:
the way he talks, his mannerisms,
and he had the complete DVD
set of Sex and the City
between his butt cheeks.
Peter, no, he didn't!
No. He had the DVD set.
I was just being colorful
with the rest of it.
Well, maybe you should go
talk to Glenn about it.
I mean, especially
if he has no idea.
I guess I could, but I don't know
if it'll do any good, Lois;
he's in complete denial,
like people in massive debt.
Well, honey, I've extended
our line of credit
and exhausted all our savings.
We should be good
for another month.
Oh, that's great, honey.
What are we gonna do next month?
Well, I'll tell you
what we're not gonna do:
shoot all of our children
and then kill ourselves.
I'm gonna hold you to that.
I don't think you'll
have any control over it.
Hey, Peter, how you doing?
Hey, Quagmire.
Um, is your dad around?
Oh, he's off at his
stitch n' bitch club.
I'm glad you stopped by, though,
My dad wanted me to tell
you he would be thrilled
if you and Lois would join us
as his guest at the naval ball.
Yeah, yeah, that'd be great.
Um... hey, remember when
we met him the other day,
and he danced for a while?
Oh, yeah, that was so funny, man!
No, it, it wasn't funny.
Oh, my God.
He's hilarious, that guy.
It wasn't funny.
It wasn't funny. It was gay.
Yeah, I think that
your father is gay.
We-we should all be so gay!
Quagmire, don't you see it?
See what? I'll tell
you what I'm seeing.
You're jealous! Huh?
Yeah, your father's a drunk,
and mine's a hero.
Look, you'll see.
At the navy ball,
you'll see how much of a man he is
and how everyone in the
military respects him.
Look at this, Dad.
All of these people came
out just to honor you.
Oh, it feels good, son;
I won't lie to you.
Dan Quagmire!
Wally! Good to see you.
This my son Glenn.
Nice to meet you, Glenn.
You should be very
proud of your dad.
Oh, I am, sir.
It was an honor to serve with him.
Come on, Dan, let's get a drink.
Huh. It's great to see you
back in your element tonight;
surrounded by seamen.
See, Quagmire? I told you he's gay.
Shut up, Peter!
Hey, you Dan's boy? That's right.
Your dad was very brave
back in Southeast Asia.
He flew supplies in
where others wouldn't dare to go.
I can't tell you how many loads
you dad took when I
served with him. Huh?
Glenn, I wouldn't miss
this night for the world.
Everyone here admires your dad.
He'd walk into an army barracks
and make every private
there feel important.
Yeah, he just knew how
to stroke those privates.
Oh, God!
Your dad was cock
of the walk, Glenn.
Every day at rifle training,
he'd help me clean my butt.
Your dad once drank
me under the table.
If there was one man you
wanted in your hole,
it was your dad.
Your dad had the best
penis in the military.
Okay, just stop, stop!
Everybody stop!
are you gay?
Are you gay, Dad?!
No, Glenn, I'm not gay.
Just, just tell me the truth!
I am telling you the truth.
Now calm down.
You're ruining this ball.
You know how much I love balls.
All right, come on now!
That's not helping!
Son, you have my word,
I am not gay.
You promise?
I promise.
All right, I believe you.
But I am a woman trapped
in a man's body.
And while I'm in Quahog,
I plan to have a
sex-change operation.
Oh, come on.
Just be gay.
Hey, guys, you got a minute?
Hey, what's up, buddy?
It's, um, it's about my dad.
He... he wants to have
a sex-change operation
Whoa! I knew he was gay.
I didn't think he was that gay.
No, no, Peter, he's not gay.
He's a woman stuck in a man's body.
Yeah, gay.
It's totally different!
Sounds the same.
Well, it's not!
Okay, so he wants to be a woman
so he can be a lesbian?
No, he'd date men.
Gay. Gay. Yeah, gay.
Okay, this is not the
help I came over here for.
Well, look, let's just all
agree that he's odd, huh?
He has an appointment
Friday with Dr. Hartman
to have the procedure,
and he wants me to go with him.
I-I just, I don't know
if I can handle that.
Well, I'm sure your friend
Peter would be happy
to come along for moral support.
All right, but look,
here's the deal:
Anything he lops off,
we get to bring home for Brian.
That's very green of you, Peter.
What? I don't know.
Lois, that doesn't
make any sense at all.
Yeah, it's something I heard on TV.
I don't know.
Have fun at the circus.
I wonder how long it's gonna take.
I don't know.
Hey, hey, you know
what we should do?
We should put on some '80s music,
and then, like, every few minutes,
have him come out of there
as a different sex, and we'll go...
And then like the
fifth or sixth sex,
we'll go like this...
This is not a joke, Peter, okay?!
They're cutting off
his penis in there!
All right, all right.
I mean, this is my dad
we're talking about!
Okay, okay.
What are you gonna name it, huh?
What are you gonna name
your he/she father/mother?
Knock it off!
Wow! That thing was on there.
How is he, Doc? Is he all right?
No, I'm afraid not.
But she's gonna be just fine!
Oh, my God!
What do you think, boys!
Okay, kids, Mr. Quagmire
and his dad... his moth...
his friend are coming
over soon for dinner.
So, remember, Chris, no staring.
And, Meg, you know how it is
to be different, so be very nice.
Well, hi, you guys.
I'm so glad you could come over.
Everyone, I'd like you to meet Ida.
Hello, everyone!
Hello, Ida. What's up?
I made a crumble.
Oh, how thoughtful.
Throw it away in the
outside garbage.
Okay, you know what?
Elephant in the room.
I'll say it. So, Ida,
you miss your penis?
Peter! Thank you for asking it.
Jeez. No, it's okay,
it's a perfectly normal question.
We can't sit here and just
pretend everything's the same.
It is a big transition for me, yes.
But the answer is, I still have it.
They just turn it inside
out to simulate a vagina.
Come on, Dad...
Not a bad option to
have in the back pocket.
So, Lois, wh-what is this meal?
Wow... so good.
Oh, thank you, Glenn.
It's nothing fancy.
Just chicken with rosemary.
But I did put a lot of
planning into the meal.
Yeah, we went down the list.
Nothing with wieners,
nuts or grapes.
Out of respect.
Lois, I have to say,
you look so put together.
Where do you buy your clothes?
Oh, how sweet.
Well, I love Anne Klein.
Oh, I'll have to try them.
I like the outfit you have on.
Thank you, Meg.
Who did your procedure?
You just burned your last
friend in this room, lady.
This corn is special.
So tell me about those knockers.
Are we...? Are those...?
Is that just like, r... implas
or did they reassign
some ass fat up there?
All right, I'm out of here.
I wonder if I could
push mine inside.
Oh, my God, it worked. It's gone!
I can't believe-- Oh,
no, it's back.
Well, that was quite a performance.
My performance? What about you?
Golly, Lois, where do you shop?
"Gee, your house looks beautiful.
Hey, I have an inside-out penis."
I never said their
house looks beautiful.
Because, frankly, it didn't.
My dad, my dad,
 talking about decorating
and women's clothing?
All I've talked about for
years with these people
is what a war hero you were.
And I was.
I'm changing my future,
not my past.
Oh, yeah? What about my future,
I don't even know what to call you.
My dad? My other mother?
My friend who pees sitting down
but can also palm a basketball?
What about, Ida?
No, man, you know,
this is too hard.
You know, you're asking
me to accept an awful lot.
I... I... I don't
know if I can do this.
I understand.
I had the advantage of
thinking about this for years.
For me it was easy:
Do I want to be happy
the rest of my life or miserable?
So now you're happy,
and I'm miserable.
I see.
I'm sorry you feel that way.
Oh, boy, nice to be back home.
Those seminars can wear you out.
Wow, did you say,
"Web-based Internet series?"
No. Oh, my bad.
Great... idea... for one...
Where am I taking you again?
You know what?
Drop me off at the Marriott.
I could use a drink.
Jack on the rocks, please.
Hey, here's to exciting,
new opportunities on the Internet.
I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to bother you.
Oh, no, it's not you.
I'm... I'm just dealing
with a lot right now.
You know, kids.
Ah. Does not... come...
with a manual.
So, wha-- you're doing
something with the Internet?
I am, I am.
Being a writer, I'm always
exploring new possibilities.
Wow, I could never be a writer.
How do you do it?
Well, you see,
when I watch the world go by,
I think of it kind of
like a huge screen.
You know, every little interaction,
every little moment
is another scene
captured by this camera.
That's fascinating.
Oh, yeah.
Two more, please.
So I finally tell them,
"Hey, I came here to be at
the seminar, not run it."
That's... Oh. Mm.
You know, we are in a hotel.
And I'm in room 406.
Go on ahead, I'll settle up.
Put it on 406.
Well, look who's home. Hey, buddy.
How was the seminar?
Oh, it was terrific.
The first day we were there...
Brian, Brian, Brian.
I was after good or bad.
You know what, fine.
You-you guys are not gonna
get to me this morning.
I am in too good a mood.
I met an amazing woman;
Finally, the whole package.
Oh, you met her at the seminar?
No, that's just it--
it was right here in town last night.
She's a classy, smart,
beautiful lady.
Look, I took a picture of her.
Wha... Is-is...?
Here, Lois, take a look.
Oh, my God!
This is the best day of my life!
You know what?
You're just jealous 'cause
I found a real woman.
Oh, hey, Brian.
Not to worry, I called in,
and a new cell phone should be here
for you in three business days.
What? Why? Well, clearly,
yours is broken.
Because I haven't heard from you.
I wanted to tell you about my week.
God... Doesn't anyone in this house
care about anyone but themselves?
Hey, Brian, how was the seminar?
Meg, please.
I'm serious, Stewie.
I've had an amazing few
days and nobody cares.
Oh, come on in. Come on in.
Tell old Stew.
Okay, well, first,
the seminar was terrific.
I absorbed so much.
And then I get back
here last night,
and I meet an incredible woman.
You know, I've heard the
phrase soul mate for years,
and I never got it till last night.
Well, I've got a woman story for
you that you're not gonna believe.
Quagmire's father,
decorated war hero,
Lieutenant Commander Dan Quagmire,
is now a woman.
You're kidding.
No. Total sex change.
That is hysterical. I know, huh?
Suck on that, Quagmire.
Yeahit's, it's not settling
with the Q-man all too well.
Oh, my God, what-
wha-what does it look like?
You know, not half bad.
Nothing you'd look twice at,
but not bad.
Oh, my God, that-- you know,
that is a tough road ahead.
I mean, like,
what do those people do
as far as relationships
and sex and stuff?
I don't know.
I mean, it's got to be a train
wreck down there, right?
I mean, just-just an absolute
casserole of nonsense.
Is she over there right now?
We should go take a look.
No. They had a fight;
she's staying at the Marriott.
Aw, damn, I was just there. Really?
Yeah, maybe I saw him in the
lobby and didn't even know.
Oh, no, you'd know.
Aw, man, what-what
do we call him now?
We... Do we still call him Dan?
No, and I'm not crazy
about the name change.
What is it...
like Danielle or Dana?
No, Ida.
Oh, what?! What the hell?
! What's wrong with you?!
I had sex with her! What?!
I had sex with her at the Marriott!
I didn't know!
I didn't know it was her!
Oh, my God!
How does this happen?
When they move to a new place,
they're supposed to
notify the neighborhood.
That's how it works!
He didn't actually move,
he's just visiting!
Oh, Dad, I've been worried sick.
Where have you been?
Listen, I... I feel awful about
the things I said last night.
I was selfish.
Aw, you weren't selfish.
I realize I put a lot on you.
I was wrong to just assume
that you would understand
and be able to accept this.
But, trust me, I had been
unhappy for a long, long time.
Well, all I want is
for you to be happy.
You're my dad.
And if you're happy,
I'm happy for you.
I'm sorry, Dad.
I love you.
I love you, too, Glenn.
Sorry, sorry.
Damn thing can't
tell the difference.
Oh, dear...
Okay, well, so now that we got
all the mush out of the way,
I have some news.
Tell me. Tell me.
I met someone.
What? You did?
Oh, my God, Glenn, he's amazing.
I couldn't be happier.
Really? What's his name?
Where is he?!
Where is that self-centered,
arrogant son of a bitch?!
Get out of there,
you dirty little bastard!
You're dead!
If I ever see you
anywhere near my house,
I'll blow your head off!
Now lay there and die,
you piece of crap!
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