Family Guy Fun

Business Guy

Oh, uh, it sure was nice of you
To invite us out on your yacht,
mr. Pewterschmidt.
It's not a boat,
it's a yacht.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought
you said it was a boat.
Wow, it's beautiful
down there.
I just can't believe it
really looks like this.
Boy, the fish tank
at day care
Really nailed it.
Lois, are you feeling
all right?
I'm just a little seasick,
that's all.
Oh, my god!
Oh, brian's eatin' it.
Boy, that's a lot
of puke, lois.
I ain't seen that much puke
since my bachelor party.
Your what?
My bachelor party.
What's that?
You don't know what a
bachelor party is?
When you got married,
didn't you have,
Like, a bachelor party
with all your friends?
My what?
Oh, my god, well, we
are gonna fix that.
Carter, I am gonna
throw you
The best bachelor
party ever!
Why would you do that?
'cause I'm your pal
And I want to help.
Like cheeseburger helper.
Hey there, peter.
How would you like to take a
half a pound of hamburger
And make a delicious meal
for the whole family?
Okay, then let's...
Hold on there,
I've got something
even better!
Oh, really?
You bet.
How would you like to take
a half pound of hamburger
And make a delicious meal
for the whole family...
With cheese?
Wha... I-I don't...
I-I could just take cheese
And put it on the
thing he's doing.
No! It won't be
the same!
Look, he's my
He didn't get enough
oxygen at birth.
He's never gonna be quite in
step with the rest of us
And this is sort of my way
of taking care of him.
Well, that's nice of you,
but it was so much simpler
When it was just you
and me doing our thing.
I know, but just let
him have this one.
Odds are he won't even come
back with the actual food.
Okay, cheeseburger helper,
you're on.
Cheese, cheese,
I'm so sorry for your burden.
You're a good brother.
So what do you think, carter?
You having a good time?
I'm not sure what I'm supposed
to do with myself.
I'm very uncomfortable.
Why don't you get a lap dance,
mr. Pewterschmidt?
No, peter's crippled friend,
I think I'm just gonna leave.
This was a stupid idea.
Aw, come on, you just gotta
relax and cut loose.
Like those foreign
guys over there.
I can't believe
I'm back at the horse.
I had many drinks last night
And I was so hung out
this morning.
Aw, me, too,
I was blowing chinks
like crazy.
Boy, this is
fun, huh?
Except for the fact we gotta
sit next to that woman
Who came with her
Huh, aren't we all pals?
I work at the office.
This is empowering.
Maybe I'll get a dance, huh?
You guys are probably gonna be
talking about this forever.
A woman who's so cool
with all of this?
All right, there's a
cute-looking one.
Excuse me, miss?
This older gentleman would
like a lap dance.
What am I supposed to do?
Nothing. You just sit there
and enjoy yourself.
Do I, do I stick the money
directly inside of her?
No, you do not.
Why, have you done
that before?
Doesn't go over.
When do I hit her?
Oh, for crying out loud,
just drink this.
And you, give this old bastard
the ride of his life.
All right, go, carter!
All right!
Get some! Get some!
Hey, joe, that's like
right in my ear.
Stop it! Peter, I-I...
Boy, she's bendy!
wow! Y-yes!
Oh! Awesome!
All right! Oh!
Oh, my god!
What's happening to him?
I'm having a heart
You ought to know by now!
Oh, my god!
Is my father gonna be
okay, dr. House?
He's in a coma, mrs. Griffin.
And listening to the
sound of your voice,
I'd say he's the lucky one.
Oh, dear, I do hope there's
something to be done.
Dr. House, if you're gonna
save this patient,
You'll need this.
Get this thing outta my sight!
But wait a second!
How are you gonna
play by the rules
If you don't have
the rule boo-- oh...!
My methods are a little
unorthodox, mr. Griffin.
I think I can help.
What are you doing?
My job.
Sometimes people fake
being in a coma.
This man's not.
Unless of course, the first
punch knocked him out.
In which case, we won't know
for some time.
Road house.
That, too.
Any word on carter's
condition yet?
No, it's been three days
And I'm really starting
to get worried.
What if he's in a coma
for, like, 20 years
And he comes out of the coma
and you guys are all dead,
But I'm still alive and
I'm a famous race car driver,
And he's like "aw, man,
stewie turned out awesome."
And he comes to one
of my races
And I'm so surprised
to see him there, I crash,
And then I'm in a coma
for 20 years,
And I wake up and
he's a race car driver.
Stewie, do you want to
be a race car driver
when you grow up?
Well, gosh, if you think
I'd be good at it.
Hello, mrs. Griffin,
I'm kenneth gould,
mr. Pewterschmidt's attorney.
I'd like to talk to you
about a few things.
As part of mr. Pewterschmidt's
estate planning,
He has left video wills
Applicable to a wide
variety of situations.
Hello, if you're watching this,
It means they didn't cut
the rope when I climaxed.
As a result, I'm now dead.
That's not it.
If you're watching this one,
It means the train wasn't
able to push the delorean
Up to 88 miles per hour and
I'm still stuck in 1885.
This could
take a while.
Eaten by sharks
while snorkeling...
...Stabbed to death
in a toys r us bathroom.
...1940s roller skate
left in the hall.
Death by chocolate.
No, no, leave it in.
Had a heart attack and have
slipped into a coma.
Here we go.
In that case,
I leave control of my company,
Pewterschmidt industries,
to my daughter lois.
I don't know the first thing
About running
a billion-dollar company.
The board of directors
is fully prepared
To run the company in
carter's absence,
If that's what you'd
prefer, mrs. Griffin.
Well, yes,
I think that'd be best.
Well, now wait
a second, lois.
I could run
the company.
You can't run a business
that size.
You have no
You know what
that is, lois?
That's you playing
by the rule book.
And I don't play
by the rule book.
Right, dr. House?
Well, don't ask me.
My superiors
think I'm crazy.
Scared ya, didn't I?
And I'm gonna run
the company.
Well, lois, I'm off
to my first day
As a corporate bigwig.
I'm not so sure about
this, peter.
I mean, that's
daddy's company.
He spent his whole life building
it from the ground up.
And you don't know
anything about running
a big business.
Whoa, whoa, thanks
for the vote of confidence.
Geez, you're a bigger downer
than a german bedtime story.
And in addition,
Pewterschmidt industries'
pharmaceutical division
Is up over 30%,
Profits in new media have
doubled each quarter
Over the past year, and our
stock is at an all-time high.
All right, stand aside.
I'll take it from here.
Good afternoon, gentlemen,
My name is peter griffin.
I will be running the company
from hence here forth.
Now, I want you all to lay
some business talk on me.
I need ideas.
What can we do to make this
quarter more quarterly?
Well, come on, come on.
Okay, I can see I'm gonna have
to get things rollin'.
All right, we're gonna do an
exercise called the idea ball.
I'm gonna toss a ball
to one of you,
And whoever catches it, throw
out the first idea you got,
Then pass the ball
to the next guy,
And he throws out an idea
and so on. Everybody clear?
All right, here we go.
All right, abrams, whaddaya got?
My lung's collapsing.
You know what I'm hearin',
what's the best way to put this?
What I'm hearing...
What I'm hearin' is a
lot of yesterday talk.
This isn't the way we're gonna
do things under my leadership.
We are gonna turn
this company around.
But, sir, the company's
doing fine.
Better than ever, in fact.
Mr. Pewterschmidt would...
I don't care what mr.
Pewterschmidt would have done.
We need to take risks.
We need a complete overhaul.
Gentlemen, you're all fired.
There, now that I've got
your attention...
You're all fired.
Peter, what the hell
is going on?
You fired everybody
at daddy's company?!
You bet.
Are you outta
your mind?!
Keep it up, lois,
I might fire you.
You wouldn't.
Does the name lacey chabert
mean anything to you?
Okay, I'll behave.
Yes, you will.
Look, peter,
all I'm saying is,
Those guys have been
with daddy for years.
How are you supposed to run
that company without them?
That's it, lois,
you're fired.
Chris, you are
now meg's mother.
Ooh, peter, your muscles
are so muscley.
I am gonna plow you
so gross later.
You are a team of executives
I can trust.
Brian, quagmire, mort,
You are gonna be
my creative team.
You are gonna help me lead
this company into the future.
Peter, we don't know
anything more than you do
About running
a company.
Hey, where's joe?
I think he's still
Hey, joe!
What're you doin' down there?!
There's no ramp!
I can't get inside!
Well, we don't need him anyway.
This company's gonna
make it on my ideas.
Here are the products
we'll be unveiling
In the new fiscal year.
The african american
heart monitor.
Heart monitor:
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Aw, he dead.
Jeremy irons cereal.
If you're looking for
marshmallows, there are none.
It's quite bland, I assure you.
And scream in a box.
I needed that today.
And now,
new lady scream in a box.
Finally, a scream
that's right for me.
Well, it's good to see
everyone's adapting
To their new business roles.
Brian, I like
your successories.
I will.
I will go get it.
Mr. Quagmire, the davidson
account is waiting for you
In the conference room.
All right, thanks, marlene.
Tell 'em I'll be right in.
All right, glenn,
time to go make millions.
What happened
to you, man?
I grew up!
That's what happened!
What happened to the
free-loving quagmire
Who was banging ten
chicks at a time?
I still do that.
Oh. Good.
Can I have
some money?
Oh, get out
of here, you bum.
Ah, all right.
Heart monitor:
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
He's a'ight.
Daddy, you're awake!
Oh, carter,
I'm so relieved.
what happened?
Where am I?
Oh, you had
a heart attack, daddy,
But you're
all right now.
Heart monitor:
Yeah, he cool.
What the hell
is that?!
Oh, it's an african american
heart monitor
Made by your company.
Yes, it has two settings:
Barry white and bill cosby.
Bill cosby heart monitor:
Beep. Beep. Boop. Beep.
My company makes
no such thing.
Well, you see, daddy,
when you were in a coma,
Peter stepped in and took charge
of pewterschmidt industries.
Bill cosby heart monitor:
Zibida, zoobida, gebada,
bopada, zipity, ziggita,
Zagata, boopada, bopada,
ghost dad!
Well, you made it, peter.
You're a big shot.
In charge of a whole bunch
of people.
Peggy, hold my calls
for a few minutes, please.
Yes, mr. Griffin.
Well, buddy,
you're in love with peggy.
What a mess.
Griffin! Get the hell
out of my building!
Holy crap, mr. Pewterschmidt,
you're okay!
You're damn
right I'm okay,
And I'm here to reassume
charge of my company.
Maybe I don't want to leave.
Maybe I like being a fat cat.
What are you saying?
I'm saying it's my company now,
And it's better than it ever was
when you were running it.
Security, we have a situation
in the conference room.
I'll give you a
situation, you fat turd.
Gentlemen, please remove
this man from the building.
What th...?
I'm carter pewterschmidt!
This is my company!
Throw that guy out!
mr. Pewterschmidt,
But we work
for mr. Griffin now.
You can't do
this to me!
Do you know
who I am?!
I'm carter
I'm not getting
in that elevator!
Don't you dare throw
me out of this lobby!
Don't you...
Damn it!
Hey, what are you
doing out here?
I can't get in
the building!
Uh, peggy?
Yes, mr. Griffin.
That fart I have at 3:00--
can you push that up to now?
Very good, sir.
Lois, how could you
let your idiot husband
Take over my company?
He fired all my staff,
His stupid ideas are bankrupting
pewterschmidt industries,
And now he won't step down!
I know, daddy.
He's become so full
of himself.
He's more annoying than when
he's making his christmas list.
Now, peter, are you sure this is
all you want for christmas?
I'm only going
to the mall once.
Yeah, yeah,
that's it.
Man :
All new this christmas--
remote control cars...
That glow in the dark?!
Get that!
I've run that
company for 40 years.
He even froze my
corporate bank accounts.
I'm broke.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
I'll talk to him
as soon as he gets home.
What the hell is that?!
Damn it, peter!
Your plane set
my lawn on fire!
Here, that ought
to cover it.
Peter, I don't
want your money!
Well, fine, then, have a box
of jeremy irons cereal.
If you're looking for a prize
at the bottom, there is none.
Only more cardboard.
Peter, this has gone on
long enough.
I want you to make things right
with daddy.
It's his company.
It's my company.
It's your company.
Three's company.
Where the kisses are hers
and hers and his.
I'm sorry, lois.
We all had some pot brownies
on the plane.
Hey, peter,
are you seeing this rabbit?
Well, I sure am.
You know something?
You're not qualified
to sit in that chair.
Oh, aren't I?
Maybe there's a rabbit
head under here.
Peter, all of my father's assets
are tied up in that corporation.
If you freeze up his money,
He's not gonna have anything
to live on.
Now you are gonna make amends
with daddy, and that's final.
All right, lois, if
that's what you want.
Mr. Pewterschmidt, be
in my office tomorrow
morning at 9:00.
I'm sure
we can figure something out.
Hmm... I don't know if I like
the sound of that laugh.
I knew I didn't like
the sound of that laugh.
Peter, this is
What gives you the right
to treat me like this?
You've been treating me
like crap
For 20 years, mr. Pewterschmidt,
and now I'm the one in charge.
Hang on a second.
Clean that up.
Carter, as your boss,
I command you
to have a viewing party
For tonight's episode
of the big bang theory,
And you have to go cubicle
to cubicle inviting people.
Aw, come on, peter, I'm not,
I'm not good with rejection.
I'm your boss.
Now do it!
Hi. I was gonna catch
the big bang theory tonight,
And wondered if you wanted
to come over and watch.
Wha... What?
What is that?
It's a comedy.
It's on cbs.
I'm really into it.
I don't want
to watch that.
I don't want to
watch it with you.
All right, if you change
your mind, here's a flyer.
If you do decide to come,
I'm just asking
that you bring an appetizer.
Yeah, I'm not
gonna do that.
See, peter, I told you,
no one wants to come.
This is awful.
You're not
off the hook.
You still got
to have that party.
Babs, you want to
sit and watch...?
I'll have you know
that I can bench press
Over 690 billion nanograms.
Sheldon, that's less
than two pounds.
It sounded better
the way I said it.
Oh, when I tell that joke
at work tomorrow, people...
People-people are gonna
be sorry they didn't come.
They're-they're gonna...
This-this was...
This-this was a good night.
Carter, as your boss,
I'm ordering you
To pay a compliment to this
sharply-dressed asian man.
You look very nice.
What else?
What about my shoe?
They're nice, too.
How you think
my house smell?
Not oniony?
You good man.
I pat you on the head and
feed you from the hand.
And then he made me
clean out the fridge
In the employee lounge, and
the employees were mad at me
Because I-I threw out food
that they still wanted.
I don't know
what's in there!
Oh, that's it.
Peter is completely
out of control.
We've got to do something
to take him down
And get your company back.
Right, right. But how?
In order to oust an idiot,
We've got to think
like an idiot.
Let's see.
What's peter's weakness?
He's got to have a weakness.
Swamp monsters.
Swamp monsters, of course!
Lois, what are you doing here?
Oh, I just wanted to make
sure everything was okay.
Of course it's okay.
Why wouldn't it be?
Oh, you know, that whole
swamp monster story.
Swamp monster?
You haven't heard?
Heard what?
Oh, I'm sure
it's nothing.
It's just, apparently,
Somebody flushed a
baby swamp monster
Down the toilet somewhere,
not far from here.
What?! Who would flush
a baby swamp monster?
Don't they know
what would happen?
Well, apparently,
it has happened.
And now it's grown up
And is attacking
important businessmen.
I'm an important
What the hell was that?!
It sounds like maybe
a swamp monster
Who needs to project
a little more.
Ah, crap!
Aah! A swamp monster!
Quick, peter, sign
this legal document
Giving the company
back to daddy so you
won't get eaten!
Oh, I don't understand,
but nothing makes sense
In these swamp monster times.
We did it, daddy.
I have my husband back,
and you have your company.
Sorry I'm
late, lois.
Okay, are we doing the
swamp monster thing?
Wait, if you're daddy,
then who...?
Swamp monster!
Now let's find out
who you really are.
Dr. House?!
Indeed, lois.
And if you don't mind,
I'll address you
In my natural speaking voice,
As I've grown so weary
of doing an american accent.
Do you want to come
To my big bang
viewing party next week?
Daddy, you don't have
to do that anymore.
I know, I know.
I-I... I like it now.
Well, I'm sorry
you lost the company, peter,
But I think it's for the best.
You were turning
into a real jerk.
Well, maybe so.
But I sure am gonna miss
being a corporate big shot.
Well, you'll always be a big
shot in this family, sweetheart.
Thanks, honey.
And I got a little
surprise for you.
In that contract
you signed,
You got to keep the
corporate plane.
Peter, how are
you doing that?
I-I don't...
I don't know, lois.
I'm scared.
Well, come down.
I can't. I-I...
Get help.
Call somebody.
Wh-wh-who do I call?
I-I don't know. A police...
A fireman... A scientist!
Call a scientist!
Okay, you kids stay here
with your father.
I'm gonna go find
a scientist.
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