Family Guy Fun

Dog Gone

Hey, what are you doing
with my laptop?
Going through
your stuff.
Why are you getting
mapquest directions
To abigail
breslin's house?
I just think she's
a one-of-a-kind spirit,
And I don't want to see
her go down the wrong...
What the hell are you doing
going through my personal stuff?
You should really
clear your history.
I noticed you googled yourself,
you egomaniac.
Whoa, whoa,
th-that wasn't me.
Maybe lois
got on there.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
She's fascinated by things
that are going in my life,
oh. Oh, yeah.
And... Fine, I
googled myself, okay?
You got me.
But check this out.
I found a web site
for a group called
The rhode island society
for special literary excellence,
And they happen to have chosen
to read and discuss my book,
Faster than
the speed of love.
See? I knew it was
just a matter of time
Before somebody would
recognize my genius.
Whoa, take it easy.
You're getting a bigger
head than chris matthews.
The economy's in the news today,
and congress is considering
A minimum wage increase.
Live by satellite
to talk about it,
Senator harry reid
in washington.
How about it, senator reid--
is this the right move
During the worst recession
since the 1930s?
Look, if we're gonna get
this economy back on track,
We have to get more money in
the pockets of hard-working
Republicans are saying
this increase is gonna, in fact,
americans who are the backbone
Put more people out of work
and make it harder
of the american economy,
For american employers
to compete
instead of lining the pockets
In the global marketplace.
Of the ultra-rich who are the
people who caused this collapse.
Wouldn't it? Senator,
wouldn't it... Senator...
Chris, if-if I could just...
Senator, let me finish.
Chris? If I could j...
Chris, if I...
My forehead, my rules.
Let's go to los angeles.
Big actor, played the father
in that 70's show,
Kurtwood smith.
How's it going, kurtwood?
Good. Thanks for having me.
Quagmire, it's so awesome
that you could come over
after work today.
I know.
I'm so psyched.
Hey, let's make
some kool aid!
No, we got to wait
for lois to do it.
No, we don't-- I know
how to make kool aid.
No, quagmire!
We're not a'sposed to...
Lois :
I'm home, peter!
Oh, hi, glenn...
Peter, can you
help me with the...
Oh, peter griffin!
Peter, you come out here right
now and clean up this mess!
No! You said I could
have two friends over,
And I didn't--
joe couldn't come!
So I only had
one friend over,
And it was just
me and quagmire,
And I said we could
make kool aid
Instead of the
other friend!
You come out here right now!
Bonnie's way
cooler than you!
Joe has
computer games!
Peter, it took me
a half hour
To clean up
all that kool aid.
I am sick as hell of you
constantly making a mess
Of this house and having
to clean up after you.
So I hired a maid.
What, are you nuts? We don't
have the money for that.
Oh, really? And what about
the peter copter?
Did we not have money
for the peter copter?
Hey, did I say anything
when you bought that iron?
Whatever. I want you
to meet consuela.
Consuela, this is
my husband, peter,
And these are
our children.
Oh. Hello,
mr. Peter.
mr. Children.
Consuela's gonna be
our new housekeeper.
Why is she wearing makeup
like she's going out?
Is this "going out" for them?
Hey, where you going
all dressed up?
Oh, nowhere important.
Just this special dinner
in my honor.
It's being thrown
by the rhode island society
For special literary excellence.
What's that?
Nobody said
anything, brian.
Oh, I thought someone just
asked why they're honoring me.
No. Nobody
asked that.
Oh, okay.
I-it's no big deal--
it's actually,
It's just you remember
the book I wrote,
Faster than the
speed of love?
They loved the
book so much,
They want to give me their
most prestigious award.
Look, this is a
really big deal.
It'd be nice to get some
support around here!
Oh, I'm sorry, brian.
That's great news!
Yeah, what channel
will the awards ceremony be on?
Oh, are they having
an awards ceremony
For how well you did
the dishes last night?
Ha! You got nothing
going on.
Hi, brian.
I'm kathy from
the book society.
So glad you could come.
Hi there.
Uh, you know,
I wasn't sure I had
the right address.
Pizza parlor, huh?
Yeah. The group
loves this place.
Oh, hey, this is fine.
I-I like this place.
It's... I'm a...
I'm a pizza dawg.
So, how long have
you been a member
Of the rhode island
society for special
literary excellence?
Oh, no, I'm not a member;
I'm their chaperone.
Yeah, uh-huh.
We're in that section
right over there.
Hey! There he is!
It's brian griffin!
Damn it, randy!
You just spilled
my juice box!
They absolutely
love your book.
The simplistic writing style
is very graspable to them.
Here's your award--
I made it all by myself.
Hey, brian!
Smell my finger!
I-I... I... I already can.
Lois was right--
I'm not a writer, I'm a joke.
I'm one big, fat,
ridiculous joke.
Well, maybe you just didn't
try hard enough, brian.
You know what, father
from "family circus"?
All you do is
judge other people.
Every day in the funnies,
all you do is judge.
Why don't you shut your
damn mouth for once
And go home and
your wife in the face!
You know what?
That's exactly
what I'm gonna do.
Ah, almost home.
Oh, my god!
Oh, please be okay,
please be okay, please be okay.
Oh, thank god!
Okay, you're gonna be okay,
you're gonna be o...
Oh, my god!
Oh, my god, yes!
Brian killed a dog!
This is fantastic!
Oh, mr. Swanson is
sleep-dragging again.
I'm flying.
I'm flying!
I clean in here?
Uh, yeah, that's fine.
I'm just reading
the funnies,
so keep it down.
This is a very shocking
"family circus."
Radio announcer:
Es el tiempo
para muchos hornos!
Muchos hornos!
¶ muchos hornos ¶
¶ muchos hornos ¶
¶ muchos hornos ¶
¶ muchos hornos ¶
¶ ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai ¶
¶ ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai,
ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai... ¶
There you are!
Uh, what?!
Well, you're jumpy.
So, did you hear
all that noise last night?
I swear to god,
it sounded like
Somebody had an accident
and maybe somebody got hurt.
What? Wh-what are
you talking about?
Yeah, something
must've gone done.
The cops were
poking around.
What do you mean,
like-like joe?
No. Staties, man,
I wouldn't be surprised
if there's something
in the paper about it.
Oh, my god!
Uh, yes, I'm calling
About the ad in the paper?
You seen my dog?
You callin' about my dog?
He's all I got,
'cause I'm a young street tough,
And my parents
ain't so good to me.
So, have you heard anything?
Did anybody see anything?
Or anybody?
I can see ol' reggie now,
Sittin' there
with a smile on his face,
Listenin' to me talk about how
daddy beats me somethin' fierce.
Okay, so sounds like
no leads, then, right?
Oh, no, no.
Doggy out.
Out. Afuera.
I live here.
No, no. Afuera.
But, look,
I'm trying...
Yes, could you please
put brian back on?
No, no. Do... Doggy afuera.
You're the new housekeeper,
aren't you?
Listen, I don't want
to point fingers,
But I'm missing about a thousand
dollars in play money.
I take.
Wha-what... You-you took it?
Well, give it back!
Come get, bitch.
Hey, brian, you want to see
what I drew in arts and crafts
At day care?
This is called
"happy sun."
This one's called
"silly space man."
See? 'cause he's
in the forest.
And this one I call
"alive dog burying dead dog."
This is a photograph!
Oh, is it?
Wait a minute.
You saw the
whole thing?
Yes, indeed.
Oh, boy, have I
been having some fun
At your expense,
old man!
How could you
do that to me?
Do you have any idea how
upset I am about all this?
I killed one of my
own kind, stewie.
How would you feel if
you killed a baby?
Well, I've killed seven,
but the point is,
You might feel better
if you just confess
to what you've done.
Maybe you're right.
Everyone, I have something
very important to tell you.
Is this about meg's
cervical cancer?
You always
fall for that!
You can't always
fall for that!
You-you just can't!
Go ahead, brian.
Hi, joe.
Thanks for coming.
Okay, now
that joe's here,
I can say this
in front of all of you.
I am a criminal.
A few nights ago,
I committed a murder.
Then I buried the body
and even went out of my way
To cover up the evidence.
Oh, my god!
These are very serious
charges, brian.
I know, and that's
why I'm prepared
For you to arrest me
and take me to jail
where I belong.
I just couldn't take
the stress anymore.
I had to come clean.
I mean, the truth is,
I didn't even stop
To find out if
he had an owner.
I just completely...
Wait, wait, owner?
What are you
talking about?
I just told you.
I hit and killed a
dog with my car!
It's a dog!
That's not
a crime!
What do you mean?
Well... I mean,
It's not like
you killed a person.
Or-or even ran over
somebody's mailbox.
Killing a dog
is not a crime?
Of-of course not!
Yeah, especially
for you.
An animal killing
another animal?
That happens
all the time.
Hey, sweet-ass,
last night was fantastic.
Hello? Where'd you go?
Oh. Well, then I guess I
worried for nothing.
Yeah, nobody cares
if a dog gets killed.
I could do it, brian!
I could do it right now!
Nobody would say a thing!
I could blow your brains out
and they'd throw me a parade!
Eh, I'm just screwing
around, brian.
Nobody cares.
Peter, what are you doing?
She's still here, lois.
Wasn't she supposed to leave
like two hours ago?
I thought so. Go ask
her what she's doing.
I'm not asking her.
You go ask her.
Uh, consuela? I thought you
finished cleaning hours ago.
Yeah, what are
you still doing here?
I wait for rain to stop.
It's time for
you to go home.
Is too much rain. I stay.
But it's gonna
rain all night.
I sleep here.
Uh, I don't know about that.
I sleep here.
Can I get some
covers over here?
No. No. You fat
keep you warm.
No, no...
You know, brian, I love it
here at the ice cream shop.
In fact, this is gonna
be my happy place.
If I ever get molested or
raped, this is the place
I'm gonna think of to make
everything all right.
That's great, stewie.
Hey, what's up your fanny?
Nothing. I'm just--
I'm a little bummed
out from the other day.
I just can't believe
our society actually values
The life of a dog less than that
of a human. It's infuriating.
That is infuriating.
Maybe you should go bark
At a tree and chew on
your balls for an hour.
You know, that's the problem.
That's usually the way I'd
Handle this kind of thing,
but not this time.
I mean, look at
that dog over there.
You think he wants to be tied
to that chair,
Waiting in the hot sun while his
owner gets ice cream?
Hell, no! I am gonna
make people see
That an animal's life is just
as important as a human's!
Go, fellow canine,
be free and enjoy life!
oh, my god!
Help! Help!
It's killing my dog!
he's got my neck!
Oh, my god!
My dog is dead!
Maybe that's why
he was tied up.
Meg, will you take one of these
and pass it down, please?
What's this?
I'm starting a
new advocacy group.
The quahog animal
equal rights league.
Our first meeting
is tomorrow night,
And I'd really
appreciate it if you guys
Would come and
show your support.
Well, of course we will, brian.
We'd be happy to come.
Terrific. See, I thought I'd
start locally,
And then maybe try to merge
with one of the larger groups.
Oh, that's a great idea, brian.
Maybe you could join peta.
Join me for what?
No, peta.
The organization.
What organization?
Peta is an acronym, peter.
No, I'm not!
I'm catholic!
Are we really
doing this?
No, peter, I'm just saying,
maybe if this meeting goes well,
Brian could be part
of a peta rally.
Somebody's having
a rally for me now?
No, for peta.
That's me! I'm peter!
I'm not talking about you,
peter! I'm talking about peta!
Somebody better have something
to say to me pretty damn soon,
Or I'm gonna have something
to say to them!
I am very busy!
I think betty white
is in peta.
That doesn't even
make any sense!
Oh. Hi, consuela.
Hello, mr. Peter.
No school today, so I
bring my nephew, mikey.
You want to buy
light-up yo-yo?
Well... Kinda.
That's it. Peter, we
have got to get rid of her.
I couldn't agree more.
Just let me see if mikey sells
Those things with batteries or
what the situation is there.
Consuela, I'm sorry.
But this is not working out.
We're asking you to go.
No, I stay. I clean.
You don't understand.
You're fired.
No, I keep job.
Here. Here's $40
if you leave right now.
No. I stay.
God, she's more stubborn
than you are.
Daddy, I want a turn
on the swing set.
But you've gone
for two turns.
Get lost.
It looks like fun,
and I want to do it.
No, I'm doing it.
I'm gonna do a big jump-off.
Aaa! Get mom!
Mom! Mom! Mom!
Good evening, everyone.
I want to thank you all
For joining me at this
very important event.
Animals are treated
as second-class citizens
Everywhere throughout
this nation.
We kill them for food,
we humiliate them as pets,
And we use them for
medical and cosmetic research.
Take a look.
Ladies and gentlemen, your
animal brethren need your help.
Everywhere they are crying out
In the hopes
that someone will hear.
In cosmetic research labs...
Well, the lipstick
is not bulletproof.
We know that now! For humans!
On veal farms...
And in simple american
Okay, barney, I'm
going to work now,
But I'm gonna leave
npr on for you.
Radio announcer:
Good day to you,
And welcome to
all things considered,
A show where we talk very softly
and right into the mic.
Do you hear that?
I'm whispering
right in your ear.
I'm right in your ear.
Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz.
Won't you please do
your part to help? Thank you.
Wow. Inspiring stuff.
Now underneath each one of your
chairs you'll find a pamphlet
With a simple list of animal
rights do's and don't's.
Wait a minute, I'm not allowed
to have steak?
Well, no. Steak is made by
killing cattle.
No medical research?
But how are we supposed to find
cures for disease?
Well, there are many more
promising research methods
For curing disease
than animal testing.
Name one.
I want a hamburger.
I have a sudden craving
for quail.
No, no,
you're missing the point.
We've got to change our way of
Animals are miracles of
nature, just like humans.
But our society
hasn't figured that out.
Do you know that
in some asian countries
They actually cook and eat dogs?
What?! Oh no!
Are they-- are they good?
Yeah, I wonder
what they taste like.
I would try it... I mean, if
everybody else was.
I'm adventurous.
You know what, you know what?
This is driving me crazy.
I wanna eat a dog now.
I say we eat that one!
Get him!
What the hell is this?
Nobody gives a damn
about animals!
I just never realized how
little meaning my life had!
Stewie, my life
isn't worth anything!
Oh, come on... Hey...
Don't worry, rupert. I know how
to get him out of his funk.
Poor bastard's more upset
than I was when I read
Curious george goes to his gym
coach's apartment.
Monkeys aren't supposed to drink
chardonnay! He's tricking you!
Get out of there!
Abogados!  Cinco cinco cinco,
cinco cinco cinco cinco!
¿accidente?  Abogados!
Cinco cinco cinco,
cinco cinco cinco cinco!
Uh, consuela, does this rag
smell like chloroform?
No, no, is no--
I need more lemon pledge.
Is this the griffin household?
There was a fire at quahog
liquor last night.
No people were killed,
But the burned body of a dog was
found inside.
The tag on the collar
says he lived here.
I'm sorry.
Oh, my god! Brian!
What the hell happened?
Brian's dead!
Hey, come here. Got something
you'll wanna see.
I can't believe
brian's dead.
My best friend in the whole
world... And he's gone.
You know, peter, I think
he was also my best friend.
He was the smartest
person I knew.
Nothing will ever
be the same again.
Wow. I guess my life
does have meaning.
I never realized how
important I was to this family.
Wait a second. Just to
prove a point to me,
You burned down a liquor store
and murdered a dog?!
Well, a stray.
Thank you.
Well, I guess we should tell
them the truth now.
Well, hold...
Hold on a sec.
We could... Probably let 'em go
for just a few more minutes.
Hi, we here at family guy want
you to know that we respect
All living beings and assure you
that no animals
Were harmed in
the making of this episode.
But we're about to hurt
the feelings
Of this italian opera singer
By prematurely dropping
the curtain on his performance.
figaro li, figaro la,
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