Family Guy Fun

Jerome Is the New Black

From time life music,
comes a one-of-a kind
Rat pack collection,
"their most bigoted songs."
All your favorite,
once acceptable hits like
"drunk old injun."
the drunk old injun's
squattin' in his teepee
fire water keepin' him warm.
"jewish nose"
she's got a big, beautiful
jewish nose
and it's there two minutes
early wherever she goes.
Dean martin singing
"chinaman's chance."
and mr. Chinaman say,
in his chinaman way
a ding-a-ling, a ching-a-chong
a ching-a-chong choo.
"pew, stinky frenchman."
paris is lovely and nice
sure is nice
and marseilles is charming
with champagne on ice
but you, stinky frenchman,
haven't a clue
pew, stinky frenchman,
frog you.
"hey there, fruity."
hey there, fruity
you can do my hair
hey there, fruity
don't touch me down there
hey there, fruity
you're gay and I
don't approve.
And many more!
You know, I'm sick of
looking at that.
That empty space.
It just reminds me that
cleveland's not here anymore.
Yeah, it's just not
the same without him.
I sure wish he...
Hey, guys, look!
It's him!
Hey, cleveland!
Why didn't you tell us
you were back, buddy?
Oh, it's a lamp.
You know, guys,
I've been thinkin'.
We need a new fourth
guy for our group.
We're a man short.
Like stadler
without waldorf.
You know, without the other guy
yappin' in my ear,
These guys aren't half bad.
Now I know you're interested
in being the fourth guy
In our entourage,
kevin connolly, but don't you
Think you're a little small?
Listen, I tell you what.
You can be in our group
if I can have some
of your cereal.
Oh, no! They're after
me kevin connolly charms!
How's your friend
search going?
(sighs) not great, lois.
What friend search?
Oh, we're just trying to find
A friend to replace cleveland.
We've been meeting people
For the past three days.
Well, you don't
need to look for
somebody new.
I'll hang out
with you guys.
Yeah, you know,
I don't think that's
gonna work out, brian,
'cause of the whole
quagmire thing.
What quagmire thing?
Oh, you know, just
that he hates you.
Quagmire hates me?
Hates you.
I-I don't get it.
Why, why wouldn't
quagmire like me?
Because he thinks
you're annoying.
Like people who never
shut up about their kids.
He, he would have
been four today.
I-I still don't
How do you drown
in an inch of water?
I guess I don't
have a new sweater
and a haircut.
Who would've thought
It would be this hard
to replace cleveland?
You know, guys,
we've kind of been
Ignoring the obvious here.
I mean, if you really
break it down,
What we need is a black guy.
Yeah, that was the best thing
about cleveland.
Oh, by far.
I sure do miss him.
Peter's right.
We gotta find another black guy.
Yeah, 'cause
otherwise we're just
A bunch of boring
white guys.
Like a london
gentlemen's club.
(clears throat)
(clears throat)
(clears throat)
(clears throat)
(clears throat)
(clears throat)
(clears throat)
(clears throat)
(clears throat)
(clears throat louder)
(clears throat)
(clears throat loudly)
(clears throat
even louder)
(clears throat
(clears throat
even louder)
(clears throat
(clears throat
(angrily clears throat)
clears throat)
(clears throat
(clears throat)
(clears throat)
(clears throat quietly)
(clears throat
a bit softer)
(clears throat
even softer)
(clears throat softly)
(clears throat
(clears throat
(clears throat
very quietly)
Hey, you guys want to
enter the darts tournament?
First prize is free
drinks all night.
Oh, we'd love to,
horace, but there's
only three of us.
Did I hear some sorry ass fools
In need of a motherlovin'
I'll join
your darts game.
How do we know
you're any good?
we got us a black man.
(all laughing)
Oh, boy, what
a fantastic evening.
Jerome, you are a wonderful
addition to our group.
Hey, thanks, peter.
I like you guys, too.
What do you say we hit
another bar, keep it goin'?
I can't. There's a girl
tied up in my basement
who needs some food.
That's funny.
You funny, pointy man.
Yeah, I...
I joke around a lot.
Thanks for the lift
home, jerome.
Hey, if you got
time to come in,
I'd love for you
to meet my wife.
I got time for
whatever I want, fool.
My watch don't tell
time, I tell it.
Wow, you're cooler than
a york peppermint pattie.
When I bite
into a york peppermint pattie,
I get the sensation...
Of being on a frozen
It has been two months
since I made the tragic choice
To bite
into a york peppermint pattie,
And still I have made
no progress
Finding my way
out of the mountains.
The only food I have
is the rest of this
York peppermint pattie,
which unfortunately,
Keeps bringing me back
to the top of the mountain.
If anyone finds this,
tell my family I love them.
...Of being on a frozen
Hey, lois. I'd like you
to meet our new friend...
Loose lois?
Wha... You guys
know each other?
Know each other?
Peter, jerome is an
old boyfriend of mine.
(stewie yawning)
Sorry, I was out of it.
Wait, are we being robbed?
Peter, I know I told
you about jerome.
Lois, I would've remembered
if you told me that.
I told you, peter.
I remember exactly
what we were doing.
(both laughing)
I slept with a black guy.
I hope this doesn't make
you feel awkward, my man.
It was a long time ago.
Hey, that's
a beautiful baby.
Mind if I hold him?
Go right ahead.
Hey there, lil' fella.
What's that around
your neck?
Well, I say, it's
a little black jesus.
black jesus.
I rode into town
on an ass.
Your mama's ass.
black jesus.
It was really good
to see you, lois.
We should grab a coffee
or something and catch up.
That would be great.
It was really nice
to see you, too.
Well, it's gettin'
late, jerome.
I'm sure you got stuff to do.
Yeah, I gotta go down
to the gas station
And buy a framed
painting of a tiger.
Catch y'all later.
You're not really gonna
hang out with him, lois, are ya?
We're just friends, peter.
Don't tell me
you're jealous?
Well, you datin' that guy?
It's just a lot to take in.
Oh, you're tellin' me.
Oh, come on! Those kinds
of jokes aren't helpin'.
Well, what do you
want me to say?
You're bein' silly.
I mean, jerome and I
dated over 12 inches ago.
I said inches!
What did I just say?!
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Okay,
look, just relax.
You're my husband
and I love you,
So just put jerome
out of your head.
Get him out of my life
is more like it.
Brian, I just found
out chris farley died.
Yeah, that happened
like 12 years ago.
But I just watched
tommy boy yesterday.
He was right there.
Yeah, that's a movie.
It's shot beforehand.
It's not happening right now.
Really? But I thought
my knocking on the tv glass
Distracted him,
and that's what made
him fall down that hill.
Oh, oh, seeing him
fall down that hill
Put me in a good humor!
Stewie, get lost.
What are you doing
just standing out here?
I'm waiting for quagmire
to get his mail.
I'm gonna conveniently
stroll by
And strike up a
conversation with him,
And maybe find out
why he hates me.
Oh, I'm sure it's just
a misunderstanding.
You'll smooth it over.
Hey, quagmire,
what a coincidence.
You and me just runnin'
into each other.
How, how ya doin'?
Oh, takin' a break, huh?
She's a hot piece of ass.
And from the looks of it,
she likes it rough.
That's my sister, brian.
Her boyfriend has been
beating her mercilessly.
The last thing she'd
want right now is to
be objectified.
Oh, god.
I'm, I'm really sorry.
I got a deaf brother,
you want to make fun
of him, too?
(door closes)
(brakes screeching)
Where is she?
She's not here.
Get out, jeff!
Just get out of here!
Oh, I'll get out
when I'm finished.
(punch landing,
glass shattering)
harriet: No! Ow!
You feel good about your sex
joke earlier, brian?
He's savagely beating her again.
You hear that?
Yeah, I'm not deaf.
Oh, oh, what, like my brother?
Boy, you have no class!
Yeah, that's the
guy's brother, man!
Shut up, bitch!
(fist smacking)
Hey, you know
what they say.
See a broad,
to get that booty, yak 'em.
Quagmire & jerome:
Leg her down and
smack 'em yak 'em!
cold got to be.
(both laughing)
If you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna order me
some cheap cognac
And put it
in a fancy glass.
Boy, jerome
is the greatest.
We really lucked out.
I don't know, you guys.
I'm not so sure
about jerome.
I mean, how do we know
we can really trust him?
What are you talking about,
peter? Jerome's awesome.
Yeah, why the hell wouldn't
we be able to trust him?
All right, you guys
want the truth?
Before me and lois were married,
our new friend
Used to slip her
the old pringles can.
Well, so what, peter.
That was 20 years ago.
That doesn't matter!
Look, peter,
jerome's the coolest guy
We've met since
cleveland left.
Yeah, don't do anything
to ruin this, peter.
You know, the way you
ruined my parrot.
I just bought
it yesterday.
Isn't it beautiful?
Cripple, cripple, cripple,
cripple, cripple, cripple,
Cripple, cripple,
cripple, cripple.
Damn it!
That son of a bitch.
Thinks he can sleep
with my wife!
Not on my watch.
Alex keaton (on tv):
Listen, I don't care that
you're dating mallory.
Nobody in this family
likes you, nick.
You just stand your ground,
garbage sculpture man.
They'll come to respect you.
You bastard.
Nick was no good for her
And it broke
skippy handleman's heart!
Dear god and black jesus!
What, uh...
What-- what the hell
are you doing here?
Oh, peter, something
terrible has happened.
Somebody burned down
jerome's house last night.
This whacked-out world.
It just makes you want
to grab your nephew
And get in a van and shoot
people in the d.C. Area.
Yeah, well, when I find
the guy who did it,
I'm gonna rip his arms off and
do his wife in front of him.
And no one would blame you.
But, meanwhile, jerome,
You are more than
welcome to stay with us.
Oh, well, thank
you, lois.
Man, I'm so lucky to have real
friends like you and peter.
Well, I guess
you can stay here.
But I'll tell you
one thing...
Oh, hang on a second.
What is that?
I don't know, it's trying
to do something.
Well, well, I guess we're
just gonna have to wait.
So how long is jerome
gonna be staying with us, dad?
I don't know, chris,
but the sooner he's out
of here, the better.
I don't trust him around
lois for a second.
Oh, god, jerome,
that is so good.
Oh, yeah,
it's so hot and moist.
Mmm, these scones are
You are quite the little baker,
Oh, thank god.
What's going on in here?!
Relax, mr. Furley.
I thought what you
thought, but it's okay.
Well, it sounded like...
I know, I know, but it's fine.
Go back to being dead.
Peter, is everything
all right?
Yeah. Yeah, lois.
Everything's fine.
You guys, uh, having
a little breakfast?
Yes, and jerome
made scones.
Would you like one?
Oh, they're delicious.
I thought maybe later
today, we could all...
Oh, my god!
Mom's choking!
Out of the way.
I'm an emt.
Her airway's jammed.
Come on, now.
Just like that.
(both grunting)
I need some
gravitational help.
Oh, no, her clothes
are constricting!
As are mine!
(breathing heavily)
Oh, my god!
Oh! Thank you, jerome!
You saved my life!
"um, I'll have
what she's having,"
Says the funniest person
in the room.
Hey, what are you getting
all dressed up for?
I'm treating quagmire
to a night out.
Really? I thought
he hated you.
How'd you
convince him to go?
I tricked him.
Sent him a phony card.
He thinks he's going
on a date with an
old girlfriend.
But instead,
you're going to show up.
You got it.
That's a recipe
for disappointment.
Like walking
a floral arrangement
Through an office
full of fat women.
Is there
a miss...
(excited gasping)
(all sighing)
Where's cheryl tiegs?
Well, she's not coming.
I wrote you that,
because I knew you'd
never come if it was me.
But I planned a big
night and we're gonna
have a great time.
Brian, cheryl was the one
that got away.
She was the great love
of my life.
I thought this was my chance
To finally achieve
some real happiness.
Ever since she left,
I've been chasing girls
To fill the hole she made
when she walked out.
And now I'm forever lost.
Well, I bet a thick,
juicy steak
Could help fill
that hole, huh?
Aw, come on,
it'll be great.
Listen, glenn,
I-I want us to be friends.
I think we could be
an even better team
Than lewis and clark
and the guy who likes
to rip up maps.
All right,
the northwest passage.E.
Hey, can I see that?
Damn it! You ass!
Easy, clark.
I hate that guy!
It's been a long trip.
You're tired.
No! I hate him!
Look, you're angry,
you're dehydrated.
Just have some water
from the canteen
And you'll feel better.
I just totally drowned
this ant hill.
Hey, when are we
going to get there?
Oh, and this is peter
and I at our wedding.
Aw, you look beautiful.
And he's a handsome
fella, ain't he?
Well, I am ready
for my evening.
Oh, my god, peter!
What the hell?!
Peter, what are you doing?
Oh, surely, jerome,
you don't want to stay
in the same house
As a ghost who carries
a torch around.
Ooh, fire ghost!
Ooh! Ya scared yet?
Didn't know this place
was haunted, did ya?
Peter, take that
thing off!
Hey, what the hell's
going on?
I'll tell you
what's going on.
I have had about
enough of you, jerome.
I know you want my wife,
but you can't have her!
You are no longer
welcome in my house!
Whatchu talkin' 'bout, peter?
But you can't have
sex with lois!
Now, I want you out
of here right now!
I can't believe this.
I thought I found
a true friend in you.
I'd never do anything to hurt
you or your family.
Man, you're breaking my heart.
Jerome, wait.
He doesn't know what
he's talking about.
I'm sorry, lois.
I think it would be
better if I left.
Peter, I'm sorry
if I caused you any trouble.
I won't be bothering
you again.
Wow, what just happened
was kind of sad.
(hums family guy theme morosely)
So... Whose leg
do you have to hump
To get a dry martini
around here?
God, look at the size
of these steak knives.
Wha-what are they serving us?
Tyrannosaurus rex?
Not likely.
Hey, what if I just drank
this whole bottle of ketchup?
Can you imagine?
You dare me?
Kind of ruins it
for the next person
Who might want
some ketchup.
So, how's
the flying business?
Not so great.
The economy's sort
of taken its toll,
Lot of salary cuts,
lot of layoffs.
That's pretty much it.
I mean, you want to learn
more, read the papers,
Go on the internet,
I-I don't know.
Boy, that's got to be
an interesting job.
I'll bet you got--
how do those things work?
What? Planes?
How does a plane work?
You want me to sit here
and explain to you
how a plane works?
I don't know. Yeah.
You want to maybe just go?
Quagmire, come on,
I'm really trying hard here.
Who asked you to try hard?
Nobody, but all--
I'm trying to establish
A friendship with you.
All I've done is try
to be nice to you,
And you still don't like me.
How can you not like me?
Okay. I'll tell you.
You are the worst person I know.
You constantly hit on your
best friend's wife.
The man pays for your food
and rescued you
From certain death,
and this is how you repay him?
And to add insult to injury,
you defecate all over his yard.
And you're such a sponge.
You pay for nothing.
You always say,
"oh, I'll get you later."
But later never comes.
And what really bothers me,
is you pretend
You're this deep guy who loves
women for their souls
When all you do is date bimbos.
Yeah, I date women
for their bodies,
But at least
I'm honest about it.
I don't buy them a copy
of catcher in the rye
And then lecture them with some
seventh grade interpretation
Of how holden caulfield
is some profound, intellectual.
He wasn't.
He was a spoiled brat.
And that's why you like him
so much-- he's you.
God, you're pretentious!
And you delude yourself
by thinking you're some
Great writer,
even though you're terrible.
You know, I should have known
cheryl tiegs
Didn't write me that note.
She would have known there's no
"a" in the word "definite."
And I think
what I hate most about you
Is your textbook liberal agenda,
how we should
"legalize pot, man,"
How big business
is crushing the underclass,
How homelessness is the biggest
tragedy in america.
Well, what have you done
to help?
I work down at the soup kitchen,
Never seen you down there.
You want to help?
Grab a ladle!
And, by the way, driving a prius
doesn't make you jesus christ.
Oh, wait, you don't believe
in jesus christ,
Or any religion for that matter,
Because "religion is
for idiots."
Well, who the hell are you
to talk down to anyone?
You failed college twice.
Which isn't nearly as bad
as your failure as a father.
How's that son of yours
you never see?
But you know what?
I could forgive all of that,
All of it,
if you weren't such a bore.
That's the worst of it, brian.
You're just a big, sad,
alcoholic bore.
Well, see ya, brian.
Thanks for the
(bleep) steak.
Boy, it sure is nice
Having our house
to ourselves again, huh?
Peter, sometimes you just make
me sick to my stomach.
Look, I know you
think jerome was
a good guy, but...
No, he was
a good guy, peter.
And I'm gonna
prove it to you.
And you're gonna feel
like a real jackass.
What's that?
It's a gift.
For you.
You don't deserve it,
but if anything,
It's gonna wake you up
a little bit.
Jerome got you this
as a thank you
For letting him stay here.
It's an actual prop
from family ties.
This is... This is one
of nick's garbage sculptures.
Yeah. Pretty thoughtful,
isn't it?
Oh, boy, do I feel like
a jackass.
Lois, I'm sorry.
I'm just...
I let my jealousy
get the best of me.
Jerome's such
a cool guy and I,
I guess I was worried
he was cool enough
To steal you away from me.
You should know better
than that, peter.
Now, I think you have
an apology to make.
Hey, you look like
you could use a pal.
Oh. Hi, peter.
Look, I'm sorry
about how I acted.
It's just...
Lois means
everything to me.
And when I saw
you together,
I-- I didn't know what
was gonna happen.
I just thought you might
try to mount her
Or whatever it is
you guys do.
Peter, how could you
even think that?
I would never do
anything like that to you.
You were my boy.
We were like family.
Yeah, I know.
I messed up bad.
I'm really sorry, jerome.
We cool, peter. We cool.
But, listen, there is
something I got to fess up to.
While I was living
with y'all,
I had myself lots of
nasty ass sex with meg.
I don't care about that.
Hey, brian, how'd it go?
Wha-- have you been crying?
What happened?
It didn't work.
He still hates me.
You want to know something?
That's okay.
You don't need quagmire
to like you.
You only need one person to like
you and that person is you.
And I'll tell you something
else, I like you.
You want to sleep
in my room?
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