Hi, chris.
How'd you do on
your science test?
I got a "d."
A "d"? That's fantastic!
Just kiddin'.
I know it means you suck.
Come here,
you delightful idiot.
Another "d," chris?
I'm sorry, mom,
but science is so hard.
Well, maybe you just need
a little extra help.
Dad, would you help me
with my homework?
Uh, chris, I've got to
tell you, that sounds worse
Than a trip to
a failing mall.
All right, kids,
your mom is
Going to go to the cinnabon
that has the cage
Pulled halfway down,
and I'm going to go
To the stereo store next
to the dead fountain
with garbage in it.
Let's say we meet back here
under the glue outline
Of the old limited sign.
Well, it doesn't
matter anyway.
Every time I try to study,
the evil monkey
Comes out of my closet
and scares me.
Oh, for god's sake, chris,
you're in high school now.
Stop talking about
that evil monkey.
He's not real.
He is too real!
I can prove it!
Well, you'll have to
do a better job
Than you did on
your science test.
Or than god did
when he left the iron
On ellen barkin's
face too long.
Oh, damn.
How is it?
You know what?
We'll put you in the '80s.
You'll pass for hot.
Now get in the van
with kelly mcgillis.
Next stop: Hollywood!
(braying)
Tv announcer:
Up next, the hannah montana
marathon.
Yes!
And for all you fans,
The miley cyrus tour is coming
to the quahog civic center
For three nights only.
Call to get your tickets now!
Oh! Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!
But not now,
'cause it just sold out.
What? Oh, no! No!
No, no! No!
I'm calling anyway!
I need hannah montana tickets
and I need them now!
Never mind who this is!
Can you get them or not?
I guess I should dial
something first.
What's all the noise?
What are you watching?
Sorry, but you
know the rules.
Hannah can't do
the photo shoot
Until miley
finishes her homework.
You can't tell
hannah what to do.
She's not your daughter.
Wait, so miley's my daughter,
but hannah isn't?
Right.
Great.
Put your wig on.
(audience laughter sound effect)
Shut up!
This is real.
Ha! You're watching
hannah montana?
Well, yeah.
To make fun of it.
I mean, look how stupid
she is with her clothes
And her makeup
and, and-and, and,
And that fabulous hair
and, oh, my god!
Brian, it's my favorite show!
It's my favorite show ever!
Gay.
And she's coming to town
And I have to get
tickets, brian.
You have to help me
get tickets!
No.
It's a stupid show
and a huge waste of time.
(voice breaking):
But... She's my favorite.
Oh, my god, are you...
Are you crying?
(crying): Yes!
Hannah montana is my hero!
I love her so, so much.
And this is the only time
she's gonna be in town
And now I'll never
get to see her!
Will you help me?
(sighs)
all right, fine.
Hey, chris.
You want to practice
kissing again?
I'm busy.
I set up a video camera
last night so I can prove
To mom and dad that
the evil monkey is real,
And I want to see
what I got.
(tape squeals
while fast-forwarding)
(fast-forwarding)
Huh. Nothin'.
All right, it's time
to play rough.
I got you, you bastard!
Well, here he is.
The evil monkey!
Do you believe me now?!
Holy crap!
It is real!
Oh, my god!
I thought I was the only one.
Meg, we're do--
we're doin'...
We're doin'
chris' monkey.
Oh, my god,
chris was right!
Holy crap, chris,
is that thing dangerous?
Yes, he's evil!
I'm not really evil.
(gasps)
it talks!
If-if someone will
please untie me,
I'll explain everything.
No, dad,
don't do it!
He's evil!
Look, just trust me.
This is all a huge
misunderstanding.
Chris, I think we
should give him a chance
to explain himself.
No!
(sighs)
thank you very much.
Now, I know this looks bad,
Me living in your
son's closet and all,
But it's a very
complex situation.
You see, basically, I got home
from work one day,
And found my wife cheating on me
with another monkey.
Oh, that's terrible.
I fell into a deep depression
after the divorce,
Which ended up
costing me my job.
All my money was gone,
which means I lost the house.
So, I moved into
chris' closet,
Just until I got
back on my feet again.
Wound up living in there
for nine years.
Oh, my god,
you've missed so much!
Like when america
was attacked
By mentally challenged
suicide bombers.
Allahu akbar!
You know something?
You're not evil
at all, are you?
No, he's not.
He's just a poor fellow
who's down on his luck.
Easy for you to say!
He doesn't hide in your
closet making a scary face!
That's just the face
I make when I'm thinking.
And you're always
pointing at me!
I was trying to start
a conversation.
And you do that weird
trembling thing!
I have a copper deficiency.
Look, chris, I'm sorry
if I scared you before,
But this is a great chance
for us to start over.
No, it isn't!
You can fool everyone else,
but you can't fool me!
You go to hell!
(indistinct conversations)
(gasps)
(indistinct conversation)
Okay, now remember
to play it cool.
Act like you belong here.
Oh, my god, miley!
I love you! I love you!
I love you!
I'm your biggest fan!
Can I touch your hair?!
(screams)
Who are you guys?
How did you get back here?
Look, I'm really
sorry about this.
This is my friend stewie.
H-he's just a baby and
he's your biggest fan and...
He has cancer.
Oh, my god! Really?
Yeah, he's got
a tumor in his head
The size of a football.
I think I can see it.
Well, in that case,
I wouldn't feel right
about throwing you out.
Especially if you're
my biggest fan.
(shudders happily)
I mean, sarah silverman
is just one of the most
Wonderful people
you'll ever meet.
Oh, that's so
good to hear.
I want to like her.
She's so funny.
I want her
to also be nice.
Well, I'm glad you guys are
having such a great time
With that evil thing
that tortured me for years!
Dad, I thought you
were going to help me
with my book report.
Chris, there is
a monkey here.
And I just fed him a whole
bag of subway sandwiches.
In a couple hours,
we are going to sit around
And throw his soft bread stool
at each other.
Now, you are welcome
to be a part of that.
Or not.
I'm just telling you
what's gonna happen.
Well, thanks for
nothing, dad!
Don't mind him, monkey.
He's just a big
disappointment.
Like things that look
like dvds from far away.
(gasps):
Dvds!
Aw, books.
(keys clacking)
(scratching)
Ah... That feels so good.
You are an artist.
Thank you.
Lois doesn't like
my toenails
'cause they stab her
in the night.
Hear that, lois?
Somebody likes my toenails.
Good for you, peter.
Good for this family.
Good for all of us.
Mom! Dad!
I got an "a"
on my book report!
That's wonderful, honey!
Congratulations, chris.
What'd you write about?
I, um...
"the slave trade allegory
of curious george."
W-wait a minute, I didn't--
I didn't write this.
Oh, really?
Did... Did you
write this?
Well, I can't take
all the credit.
I've been listening
to you talk in your
sleep for years,
So I just put your
thoughts on paper,
that's all.
Wow, that's the nicest thing
anyone's ever done for me.
Thanks, evil monk--
thanks, monkey.
Ah, I'd get up to hug you,
but sittin' down's
The only thing
keepin' the poop in.
Nah, that's okay.
I can't believe
I'm sitting here
With you, miley cyrus.
It's like I'm in a dream.
Well, that makes
me happy, stewie.
What are you doing?
Oh, I'm just writing
some new lyrics.
Oh, you write
your own lyrics?
Yeah.
So do I...
Oh, you wrote a song?
Look at you.
You're a regular
little tim mcgraw.
(chuckling):
Oh, oh, I'm...
I'm-I'm a little better
than tim mcgraw.
Hey, these are
pretty good, stewie.
Really?
Do you think you
could sing them?
Only if you sing with me.
(squealing):
Ooh! Ooh!
(pop intro begins)
� you and I didn't
quite get along �
� when we first met �
� when you put us together �
� we just didn't blend �
� but the more that I know you �
� the more it's a good bet �
� that we've got
what it takes �
� to be very best friends... �
Miley & stewie:
� friendship is
the best thing ever �
Miley:
� except for best friendship �
� which is a little better �
Stewie:
� you mean a lot better �
Miley:
� I mean a lot better �
Stewie:
� now we're friends �
� yes it's true
that no one else �
� can friend me like you �
Miley & stewie:
� friendship is
the best thing ever �
Miley:
� except for best friendship
which is a little better �
Stewie:
� you mean a lot better �
Miley:
� I mean a lot better... �
Miley & stewie:
� with you. �
Hey, where you guys been?
We went to the
father/son barbecue.
You drove all the way up
to fatherson for a barbecue?
No, dad, it was a barbecue
for fathers and sons.
Wait a minute--
you went with the monkey
To a father/son thing?
Well, it's not like you ever
take me anywhere.
What?
Oh, listen,
peter, I didn't...
Meg, please!
It's true.
You never want to do
anything with me!
But the monkey's been taking me
to all the fun places I like,
And he's been helping me
with all my homework!
He helped me get
an "a" in algebra!
How did the monkey know you
needed help with algebra?
Because he asked!
That's right, dad.
You never ask,
and even if you did,
You never listen!
And now you're getting
mad at the monkey
Because he actually cares?
Screw you!
You are the worst dad
in the world and I hate you!
Well... Well,
I hate you, too!
Ah, damn.
I left my cell phone up
at that monkey/kid barbecue.
I thought you said it was
a father/son barbecue.
Yeah, but it was up
in monkeykid.
What?!
Boy, you guys have been
awful quiet this morning.
Lois, could you ask chris
to pass the maple syrup?
Meg, could you
tell dad
That he's too fat
to need extra syrup?
Lois, could you tell chris
that I'm sorry
I ever planted the seed version
of him in your vagina?
I want you two
to stop this.
This is no way for
a father and son to act.
Well, according to him,
that stupid monkey's
More of a father
to him than I am.
He makes time for me
and you never do.
You're supposed to love me
and all you do is hurt me.
This morning I had
a hard poo that hurt,
But then it felt great.
Meg, I'm trying to be
mad right now,
But that's making
me want to smile.
(laughing)
This'll get chris.
Hey, classmates.
Griffin.
Did you gain weight?
Eh, that's
not important.
But you know
what is important?
I'm gay now.
Let's all of us go be
gay somewhere together.
And then you go
tell all your friends
That I welcome them
to be gay with me, too.
Because I am gay.
I'll be gay with you.
Oh, this is too perfect.
Chris is going to be
so gay by the end of this.
What's this?
"put your head between
these two restrained logs
And win a free hat"?
Well, that's a no-brainer.
Come on, you fat (bleep).
Do it.
(screaming)
(laughing)
Who's laughing now?
I got my hat.
Hey, guys.
I stopped at pinkberry
And I got some
for everybody.
Wow, thanks.
You're welcome.
I've got to go put on my
face for press interviews.
Stewie, can you hand
me my cell phone?
Oh, sure.
(static crackles)
Thanks!
That was weird--
did you hear that
When I was giving
her the phone?
No.
It was like,
interference or something.
Wait a second.
(both gasp)
Oh, my god!
She's an android!
Miley cyrus is an android!
Of course.
She's a product
of disney imagineering.
They built a perfect
robot teen idol.
Yes, assuring that
she could never fail.
Like famous duelist
sir henry
"giant-hole-in-the-torso"
wickenshire.
(gunshot)
Aha!
Right through me!
Prepare for returned fire,
sir joseph broadfront.
I give you one last
chance to rescind
Your insult of calling
me a "common dandy."
Never!
My god, I can't believe
she's an android.
Do you think we should
tell someone or do something?
Well, we could
do something.
Like what?
Well, look at her.
She dances like a real girl.
She moves like a real girl.
Yeah?
Do you think she
does other stuff
like a real girl?
You know, if you
reprogrammed her?
Brian, that's sick!
She's 16!
I'm eight.
All right, I'll see
what I can do.
Hey, miley.
Oh, hi, stewie.
Hey, um, your shirt
tag is showing.
Let me just, uh...
There we go, all done.
(electricity crackling)
Um...
Miley smash!
(roaring)
Uh-oh...
Hang on, hang on.
Maybe I can fix this.
(growling)
Run!
Monkey, do you think
you could help me?
I just can't stand
peter and chris
Being at each other's
throats anymore.
Of course, lois;
I'm sure if we can just
Get them in the same
room together,
I can convince them
to talk it out.
Why don't you invite
peter to lunch,
And I'll invite chris,
and we'll see what we can do.
Oh, thank you.
I really appreciate it.
What the hell
are you doing here?
I thought I was
meeting lois.
She wanted me to
talk to you guys
About the way
you've been behaving.
Look, monkey, chris is
being a jerk, all right?
And there is
nothing you can say
That will make me
change my mind about that.
Peter, you're
acting bananas.
(laughs)
all right, I'll listen.
You're both good guys
and that's why it's important
For you to reconcile
your differences.
Chris, I know you're angry,
But do you really
hate your father?
No, I just think
he's a douche.
Sometimes he is.
And peter, do you
really hate your son?
No, but sometimes he's
such a little fat jerk.
Well, it's only because you
never have any time for me!
Peter, do you think
you could make
A little more time
for your son?
Yeah, I guess so.
(stewie & brian screaming)
What the hell
was that about?
Was that stewie
and brian?
(miley roaring)
(people screaming)
(explosion)
(roaring continues)
(roars)
(gasps)
it's miley cyrus!
And she's
destroying the city!
Oh, my god!
Ms. Cyrus, I ask you
to stop what you're doing.
I don't just mean this,
I mean everything:
The show, the music--
it's all just awful.
(roaring)
(monkey screams)
Dad, we've got
to help him!
Do something!
What am I supposed to do?!
You're my dad!
Think of something!
Quagmire, fire up
the biplane.
My son needs my help.
(roaring)
All right, peter,
we're closing in.
Get ready to fire.
(laughs along with
gun firing)
(giggitys along with
gun firing)
(roaring)
(roaring)
(roars)
(guns firing)
(roaring)
(roaring)
Monkey! Grab my hand!
Well, the airplane got her.
Oh, no, it wasn't the airplane.
'twas beauty
killed the beast.
You know, brian,
here's your shot.
Go for it.
Oop, too late.
No, it's not.
Thanks for everything,
monkey.
You made me realize how much
chris really means to me
And how I should always remember
not to take him for granted.
Well, sometimes
all anybody needs
Is a little bit
of a wake-up call.
And now that you two
are getting along again,
My work here is done.
Guess I'll be
moving on now.
You have to leave?
But I thought
you were gonna go
Back to living
in my closet again.
I think that time of
my life is over, chris.
But I'll always remember you.
But... Where will you go?
I'll go where I'm needed.
Dad, there's an evil
monkey in my closet!
Tom: I don't care, son.
I just do not care.