Family Guy Fun

Brian's Got a Brand New Bag

Oh, one minute to opening,
Why are they selling
all those dvds so cheap?
Because, Chris,
dvds are outdated and obsolete.
Like white track stars.
On your marks, get set.
White guys, go!
I have high hopes for this.
I had a Clif Bar before we started.
Everybody else!
I thought they were coming after us.
All right, everyone, all dvds
are a dollar, and everything must go!
Come on in!
Please be here.
Please be here.
Oh, sweet mother of god,
there you are!
I'll watch you with the lights off.
Like I would dare.
You're getting Dan in real life?
- What? I heard it's good.
- No, I get it.
He's resting his head on pancakes.
It looks hilarious.
The joke, of course, being
that one wouldn't generally do that
were there a pillow available.
Oh, my god,road house!
- I want to buy this!
- Great, and as a bonus, I'll throw in
what dreams may come
with robin Williams.
- No, thank you.
- No charge.
- I do not want it.
- But it's free, sir.
If that dvds even touches
road house,i will kill you.
Don't worry.
Someday someone will come
and take you home for their very own.
Maybe far away
or maybe real nearby
he may be pouring her coffee
she may be straightening his tie.
Help! Somebody!
These drunk, redneck truckers are
trying to have their way with me!
Not while my scrotum is pressed up
against my stomach
in these jeans, they won't.
Road house.
That was awesome.
And its message is timeless.
The only message in that movie is
that every problem in life
can be solved by kicking.
Oh, my god.
Brian, you're right.
I'm joking.
What did you say to me?
- Peter, what are you doing?
- Get off my plane.
That's not even the same...
Oh! What the hell?!
Not gonna talk to me
like that in my bar.
It's not a bar.
Oh, that's right.
Cleveland moved.
- Here's your burger, sir.
- Thank you.
Sir, I need another $1.25.
Is that right?
Keep the change.
Road house.
Okay, that is the last time
you are gonna pull that crap.
You hear me?!
- Yes.
- Do you hear me?!
Now, you are gonna hold down that
football until Charlie Brown kicks it.
You got that?
- Yes.
- Go ahead, Charlie.
And you know what else?
I did some checking around.
You're not a licensed therapist.
Road house.
You know, it's still early, peter.
What do you say we horse
around a little, huh?
I think I can get
on board with that.
- Road house.
- For god's sakes,
if you're gonna do that,
at least aim for my breasts.
Oh, yeah.
Road house.
I don't think you should
be driving with your feet.
Road house.
Wait. Why you taking the back way home?
There are so many turns.
Road house.
Road hou... Roa... Road...
road hou... Roa... Roa...
road hou... Road hou... Road...
roa... Road...
road house.
Road house.
My god!
- Are you all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
Sorry. I wasn't really looking
where I was going.
- Probably a little blame on our side too.
- Road house?
Well, I guess we're just lucky
nobody got hurt.
Yeah, yeah, I agree.
But, uh, you know, I sort of
have one other problem.
- Maybe you can help me out.
- What's that?
I have a dinner reservation
for two tonight at Dominick's,
- and it's just me.
- I see your problem.
I think I might be able to help.
Ma'am, you want me to kick
those dents out for you?
Peter, we've had complaints
from all over town.
You're gonna have to
stop with the kick.
Oh, yeah? I think my scary,
otherworldly, shadowy, spirit friends
might have something
to say about that.
Can I help you?
Hi. I'm Brian.
I'm here to pick up Nicole.
Oh, hi. I'm Rita, her mom.
You must be the one
she had that fender bender with.
I got to meet Nicole, so I prefer to think
of it as a happy accident. Is she ready?
Unfortunately, she left for dinner
with another guy about half an hour ago.
What?! We had a date.
Yeah, I'm afraid that's Nicole.
She's 21 and gorgeous.
Guys ask her out all the time,
and I-I think she loses track.
Oh, for god's sake.
Let me at least leave my car
insurance information for her.
Is that...
your condom?
No! I... I mean, I mean, I wasn't
gonna use that on your daughter.
I wouldn't... I would not... I would not
use a condom on your daughter.
I mean, I-i-I would,
if I was having sex with her,
which obviously, I would not do.
But If I mean... I'm safe and all,
I get an aids test once every three months.
And-and-and not because I... I...
You know, it's not because
I have a lot of sex.
I just eat a lot
of poo off the street.
Come to think of it, how did this get
in my wallet in the first place?
"Dear Brian,
"somewhere between the point when
you're excited enough to want it
and too excited to care,
think about your future.
Your friend, Stewie."
I think I've been humiliated enough
for one evening. Sorry to bother you.
If it's any consolation,
I would never have stood you up.
Well, I guess that makes you
one of the rare ones nowadays.
- Your husband's a lucky guy.
- Divorced.
Well, at the risk of
humiliating myself once again,
I still have a reservation.
- Well, I don't have plans.
- Terrific.
Hey, maybe I'll get
to use this after all, huh?
- I'm-I'm just... I'm kidding.
- Oh, please.
At my age, I don't have
to worry about pregnancy.
How old are ya?
- Oh, you don't want to know!
- I kind of do.
Hang on. Just let me get
my purse, and we can go.
Wow. She seems great.
We're getting along better than
Whitney Houston and bobby brown.
You want to smoke some crack?
I love you.
Get the *** crack!
You want some lasagna?
Oh, no, thanks. Rita and I
grabbed a bite already.
Gosh, you've been seeing
this Rita for weeks now,
and you still haven't
brought her over to the house.
When are we gonna meet
the lovely lady, huh?
Oh, she's being ironic.
What are you saying,
I don't date lovely women?
You got it. You got it.
No, it just seems like some
of your past girlfriends
have been a little dumb and trampy.
First of all, that's not true,
and second of all, she's not like that.
She's wonderful, she's smart, she's pretty.
The only reason I haven't brought her
around is that you guys don't always make
the best impression
with girls I date.
Especially peter.
Hey, aren't you that chick
from the bathroom door?
Come on, peter. She doesn't
want to talk about work.
What's it like in there?
I assume it's like how
it is in the men's room.
Oh, there's a long trough
with a big poo in it?
You know, Brian, the past
few weeks have been great.
I can't remember the last time I've had
this much fun dating somebody.
I can remember the last
time I have : never.
That's the writer in you, Brian.
Did you always know
that's what you wanted to do?
Well, actually, I really thought
I was going to be an actor at one point.
I even got a few high profile gigs.
Really? Anything I've seen?
Oh, you ever heard of a tiny,
little independent movie
called die hard?
- Wow! You were in that?
- Sure was.
What do you say we go back to my
place and I'll show it to you?
Sounds good to me.
We'll have to be a little quiet,
everyone's asleep.
Have a seat.
Okay, watch this.
This is my scene.
Doesn't make sense, man.
Don't ask me, man. I'm just a desk jockey
who was on my way home when you rang.
The way you drove that car,
I figured you for the street, Al.
In my youth.
Here it comes. Watch, watch.
We've had situations
where the hostages have embraced
their captors after their release,
and even corresponded
with them in prison.
No, no, no, darling.
Asian dawn.
Dawn, d - a - w - n.
- Sir?
- I... Yeah?
Sir, the FBI is here.
The FBI is here now?
Yes, sir.
Right over there.
Hold this.
Want a breath mint?
Breath mint.
I ad-libbed that line.
Well, I had no idea
I was dating a famous actor.
- Should we go upstairs?
- Sounds good to me.
That's right, Shia,
give me all you got.
Okay, the coast is clear.
Oh. Good morning.
Oh, uh, hey, Lois.
Who's, uh, who's your friend?
Uh, Rita, this is Lois.
Lois, Rita.
So great to meet you.
Lovely to meet you.
Perfect, everyone hits it off. Listen,
why don't you wait in the car,
- I'll be out in a minute.
- Okay, sweetie.
Well, you met her.
What do you think?
- What?
- What do I think?
She's a hundred!
Oh, my god!
Peter, did you see her?
I'm looking at her now! I can see
her from the window up here!
Hey, anybody make
a Jessica Tandy joke yet?
- No!
- Awesome! I'll be right down!
Brian, who are you dating,
Jessica Tandy?
Son of a bitch. Damn it, Chris,
I called that from upstairs!
What are you guys talking about?
She's a beautiful woman.
Lois, you of all
people should be pleased.
I mean, all the crap I take
for dating young bimbos.
How old is she, Brian?
Wha-what difference does it make?
Age has nothing to do with anything.
Okay, you know what?
I'll bring her to dinner,
and you can see for yourself what a
bright, fun, and charming woman she is.
Wonderful. I'll cook something
that's not too binding.
Well, Rita, I'm so glad
you could join us for dinner.
Thanks for having me, Lois.
This food is delicious.
Oh, thank you.
I'm so glad you can taste it.
You know what we haven't done
for a while? Go around the table,
and everybody says what year they were born.
Uh, so, kids, how was your day?
Well, the sandbox...
It was great!
Guess he's going first.
We got a new pencil sharpener
in math class!
Well, that's nice.
Say, Rita, who was president
when you were born?
- Great pot roast, Lois.
- Thank you, Brian.
Would you like me to cut
yours up a little smaller?
I'm fine.
Boy, speaking of that, I don't know
how many people have asked me today
where I was when Martin
Luther King was shot.
I'm sure you've been asked.
What do you tell them?
Ugh, who can forget?
I remember just crying like a baby.
Crying like a baby,
or crying like someone in college?
Say, Brian, on her
answering machine,
how long after her
message is the beep?
This has just been a delight.
Oh, you can't go yet.
We haven't had dessert.
Interesting. You know, the first time
I had dessert was 36 years ago today.
How about you, Rita, you
remember your first dessert?
Oh, lord, no.
It was so many years ago.
Like 40 years ago?
- Peter.
- What were stagecoaches like?
50 years ago?
Would that be a good guess?
- Oh, dear.
- Peter!
How old are you?!
How old are you?!
Fifty! Okay!
I'm fifty!
Happy now?!
You people are awful!
You know, this is what's wrong
with society!
Nobody bats an eye
if a woman dates an older man,
but god forbid
it's the other way around!
There is nothing wrong
with me dating Rita!
She's beautiful, she's a charming woman,
and I love her!
- Rita...
- Oh, Brian,
please leave me alone.
They're right, I'm just an old fool
thinking we could be together.
Will you stop that? They're insane. They
don't know what they're talking about.
You're an amazing woman.
Oh, you're just saying that.
No, I'm not.
The only thing that matters
is how I feel about you.
Rita... I love you.
I love you, too, Brian.
I think you're the most wonderful woman
I've ever met.
Will you marry me?
What did you just say?
Come on, you're only 50,
you heard me.
- Will you marry me?
- Oh, Brian.
Yes, Brian, I'll marry you!
Hey, mom. Hey, Brian.
We'll be upstairs.
Yo, Rita, you want in on this?
No, thanks.
We just got engaged!
I'm faithful to Brian now.
This ain't even my whole night.
You're engaged?!
Yes. Rita and I are getting married.
My god, I can't even
react big enough.
Here's Mrs. Garrett.
Look, if my happiness means so little
to you all that you have
Charlotte Rae just standing by to crack
a joke, then you really disappoint me.
Look, Brian, I apologize
for the other night.
We-we were all very insensitive.
And if this is what you want,
we as a family, support your decision.
I don't.
I'd-I'd rather you marry
a- a-a-a-a-a-a...
A japanese or something.
I'm with you, too, buddy.
In 20 years, she'll be 70,
and you'll have been dead for 15 years.
God bless the both of yous.
Hey, it's 4 : 30.
Isn't there an early bird special
you should be running off to?
She's 50, Stewie.
She's not an old woman.
Hey, Rita.
Uh, no, I'm not hungry yet.
Well, if we get there by 5 : 30,
I'm sure they'll honor it.
Brian, is she calling
dinner "supper?"
So, what are you doing
this afternoon?
"Oh, I'm just sorting out my
pills for the week, sweetie. "
well, you do that, and I'll be
over a little later.
Huh? Did I get it?
Was she sorting out
her pills for the week?
In that little plastic thing
with the seven boxes? Hmm?
Actually, she just got back from the
gym, and she's jumping in the shower.
- She got a chair in that shower?
- Shut up!
Have archaeologists ever discovered
ancient egyptian pottery in her vagina?
You know what? That one was too
wordy. That one was too wordy.
That-that was- that was
flawed from the ground up.
It wasn't funny,
and we'll work on it
and get back to you.
- Hey, Rita?
- Yeah?
- Where do you keep your toothpaste?
- What are you looking for, tooth polish?
- Toothpaste, yeah.
- Just use the baking soda.
"Baking soda"?
Ah, what the hell,
I can skip a night.
Oh, I've never noticed this picture before.
Is that you when you were a little girl?
Oh, yeah. That's the summer
my family went to DC.
That, uh, flag's missing
some stars there.
Why don't you come to bed, Brian?
What do you say we make
a little whoopee?
Yeah, sure. Why not?
You're okay?
I'm not hurting you, am i?
No, I'm fine.
What are you talking about?
I just want to make sure you're comfortable.
Oh, I love you, Brian!
Sock it to me!
- What?!
- Ouch!
- What's wrong?!
- Oh, nothing.
When I'm on my back, sometimes
my breast can slide in my armpit.
Just got pinched, that's all.
- Was that your boob?
- God, no!
I think I broke my hip!
- Oh, my god! Wh-wh-wh-what should I do?
- Call the number on my bracelet!
It says, "Murray Hill,
four, one, eight, five. "
that's not enough numbers!
That's the number, Brian!
Just dial zero and read it to Sarah.
For god's sake, Rita!
She's fine.
She's out of surgery and she's resting.
Well, how did she break it?
Did she fall?
Well, uh... She- Yes, she fell.
Boy, you know, Brian, a woman her age
comes in here, they don't always leave.
Peter, she's going to be okay.
Listen, Brian, you say the word
and I'll go in there with a pillow
and you won't have any more problems.
How many times do I have to tell you,
I'm sticking by this woman?
- I love her.
- Careful, Brian.
Sometimes the things you
love can disappoint you.
Like that playboy issue.
Ah, here we go.
Playboy's "women of the Olympics. "
Wow, those are some broad shoulders.
Okay, I guess small boobs
are good for swimming.
That, that, those are balls.
Oh. Is the soup ready?
- Yeah, got it right here.
- Oh, good. I need to take my pills.
It's been three hours.
You know, they warned me these blue ones
were going to make me constipated.
- Right they were.
- Okay.
I am plugged up.
No, I-I got it.
Do it, Brian.
Do it.
It's me as a pillow.
You know what, Brian?
Oh, I could really use
some milk of magnesia.
Okay, well, I'll go pick some up.
Thanks, Brian.
I love you.
Oh, and-and if you're going out,
get some milk of magnesia.
Yeah, you just said that.
I am plugged up.
Wow, you are really pretty.
You know, uh, I wrote a book.
What's that?
It's like a long magazine.
Huh? It's like the Internet
made out of a tree.
Oh. Weird. You want to have
sex in the bathroom?
Oh, gosh, what a treat.
Yes. Yes, I-I would- I would like that.
Boy, that took you a long time.
Did you have to wait
for the streetcar?
Look, Rita, I have
a confession to make.
I met a girl, I had a couple drinks,
- and I slept with her.
- You what?
I know, I feel awful.
It was a terrible thing to do.
I'm so sorry.
It'll never happen again.
But there's an upside.
You see, these past few weeks I've been
doubting whether we're compatible,
you know, because of the age difference.
But I realized that that doesn't matter.
That what-what I get from you
is what I always wanted :
a smart, sexy, real person
who I can talk with and share
every piece of me with.
I had a moment of weakness today,
but in a way, it's all right
because it's taken me to a place where
I now realize that you're not too old for me.
Isn't that great?
You're not too old for me!
You know what, Brian?
You're not old enough for me.
- What?
- You cheated on me.
That's what happened today.
You can rationalize it any
way you want, but to me,
all that shows is that
you're an immature guy
who doesn't realize
what a catch I am.
I'm sorry, Brian,
but you screwed up.
Now, please go.
- But, Rita...
- Go!
You can leave my apartment
key on the davenport.
No, the davenport- The chesterfield.
On this?
No, does that look
like a divan to you?
Ugh. Leave them on the chifforobe.
You know what? Just take your fucking keys.
I don't know what
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