Family Guy Fun

Ocean's Three and a Half

Family Guy 7x07 Ocean's Three and a Half
Timing: reaper Trascript: reaper
- Hey fellas, you all set for some paintball? - You bet!
God! Joe, finally! You watch paralyzed too?
Guys, I don't think I can make it today. It looks like Bonny
might go in to labor any minute so I think I should stick close to home.
It's your fault for knocking her up.
That's why I always use a con...
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I can't even say that with a straight face.
Sorry, fellas. Have a good time.
Man, I am so sick of this. Joe is just gonna keep
bailing on us until that baby comes out of Bonny's butt.
Babies come out of the butt, right?
Well, we are gonna do something about it.
We are gonna figure out a way to induce labor
and make Bonny have that baby.
Yeah! The sooner that kid comes out the sooner we get Joe back.
Yeah. We're not complete without Joe.
You remember when he bailed on us for that trip to spa
we had to find another handicapped guy?
God, Seamus, I've... never seen you this naked.
Ahh, it's good to let the old midsection breathe.
What eh...
How the hell are you alive?
Hey Peter, how are you?
Never mind that, Bonny. I'm here to induce birth. Follow me.
Now I'm gonna put the TV-remote down by your feet.
And I'm gonna turn on "Two and a half men"
If your baby isn't totally braindead it'll come rushing out to change the channel.
And when he does I'll grab his hand and yank him out of there.
- Peter, I don't think... - Sh! It's starting.
Two and a half men was filmed in front of a live ostrich.
Boy, this stinks. It's friday night and I don't have a date.
Well then, let me get you a number from my little black book.
Guys! Bonny's going into labor.
We gotta get her to the hospital. Quick, Peter, get the car.
No way! I don't want pregnant mess in my backseat.
Oh, come on, you're the guy who soiled his pants while testdriving that sportscar.
I don't want it.
All right, mrs. Swanson, you're doing fine.
Hey Peter, don't you wanna watch this? It's a beautiful miracle of nature.
I can't look. I didn't look when Lois gave birth and I can't look now.
You can just... tell me what it looks like.
You ever see a horse blink his eye?
Ok mrs. Swanson, you're almost there. Push. Push!
Ok. Here we go.
Hold on, the wheelchair is coming first.
And here's the baby...
Congratulations mrs. Swanson, it's a beautiful baby girl.
Ah, Bonny, I'm so happy for you.
Oh my god! She's dying!
Oh, sorry. I was watching this Paula Poundstone comedy special.
Here's your baby.
She's beautiful.
And she's sweetheart.
She sure is, Joe.
It's hard to believe she's already 18.
Attention everyone. This is a twist tie, it comes with every loaf of bread.
When we are done selecting our piece of bread we use the tie to preserve...
Oh my God!
Who is that angel?
That's Susie Swanson.
You don't say...
What? Like you think you had a shot with her?
Ah, you're kidding. We'll go together better than Hannity and Colmes.
My problem with liberals, Allen, is that liberals hate America.
So and I don't know if that's true
You've just contradicted me. You hate America!
If I could just get a word in.
You hate America. You like the terrorists.
Well, I guess you're right again.
Bonny, we've got a problem.
- What's the matter, Joe? - I'll tell you while we doing a diaper change.
Here's the reality of the situation. I've got a hospital bill this morning.
- How bad is it? - It's 20 thousand dollars.
Oh my God! Where are we gonna get that kind of money?
I don't know but we gotta figure that out soon.
I know where, Joe. You'll think out something.
I gotta tell you. That being able to pay my child hospital bills somehow makes me feel that...
Less of a man.
Oh, honey, that's silly.
I'm gonna show you what a man you really are.
Now, let's get your penis on.
Joe? What the hell, you're working here?
I have to, Quagmire.
The baby's hospital bill drain dollar savings
so I've had no choice but to take this job
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Scuse me, I couldn't help over there and you got yourself some money issues.
Uh... Yeah, kinda.
Well, I might be able to help you. How much you need?
Look, I'm a police officer, I can't afford to get mixed with a lawn shark.
Hey, you should listen to this guy, Joe.
He's flipping a nickel and chewing on a toothpick.
Well, I... do really need the money.
And I don't have the credit for a bank loan.
Do it, Joe. Cause if you gonna work here any longer,
you're gonna feel smaller than my eye floaters.
Ah! There's one now.
I can never look at it dead on, it always trying to get away.
- Hey eye floater. - Hi.
Hey! Hey, where you're going?
Away from you, people.
- Well, maybe I'll look over here. - I'll go over here.
You've got an answer for everything, don't you?
Oh, Brian, come here.
Would you mind listen to this song I wrote for Susie Swanson and tell me what you think?
Susie... you're a baby
That's... that's all I have so far.
That was horrible. It was bad as Beethoven near the end.
They gonna love that.
Well, I'm still gonna do a little work on it.
What's it called?
Wow! A song named after a girl.
There're million of those already.
Name 20.
Rosanna, Roxana, Michelle, Allison, Sara
Angie, Brandy, Mendy, Gloria
Cecilia, Maggy, May, Jessica, Nancy
Barbara, Ann, Billie Jin, Leila, Lola
Polly, Helena, Jenny from the block.
Name 6 more.
Sherry, Lora, Wendy, Maria, Peggie Sue, Minnie the Moocher
Name 5 more.
Tracey, Jin, Jane, Marie Ann, Eleanor Rigby.
Go fuck yourself.
What am I gonna do, guys? I paid the hospital bill
but now I need $20k to pay the lawn shark.
I'm right back where I started.
Well, sounds like we need another lawn shark.
Don't worry, Joe. We're all gonna pitch in and help you raise that money.
Wow Peter, I got to say
this lemonade stand was really a good idea. It's selling really well.
That's because it has my secret ingridient in it.
You know what we should do?
You know what we should do?
We should just... We should just get on our bikes and just go.
Just go and start a business.
You know... I've never to... I've never told anyone this.
but you're so good at cursive.
I don't know Peter, we've been out here all day
and we haven't managed to interest a single woman in our massage parlour.
Wait a minute, here comes somebody.
Excuse me, stressed out lady.
May I interest you in a full release relaxation massage?
Oh yeah! Just what I need. To be rubbed down by big fatty
an old black guy, a crippled and a pervert.
Now we don't have any money and our feelings are hurt.
So, that's pretty much it, mr. Pewterschmidt
Joe's getting desperate and we haven't raised nearly enough.
Is there any way you could help us out?
Of course I could.
But it's funnier to me if I don't.
In about an hour I'm gonna piss away 20 grand.
What are you gonna bet on the Nicks?
It's... I'm sorry... I mean how often...
I mean... Oh, man, nobody think that's funny?
Oh my god, she's so hot.
Look at that, she can fit that full bottle in her mouth.
Allright, come on Stewie, you can write a song. How hard could it be.
You your G-code right here
It's like a cozy house where you live
that's where you start your journey
here I am in my house, nice and cozy
and then you poke your head out the door with the seacode(?)
everything looks ok out here
maybe I'll take a walk outside
to the decored
oh, walking around outside
look at all that stuff out here
and then we go to an ...(?)
getting a little cloudy out here
looking like we might have some weather
then we go to ...(?) oh, definetly goes some weather
things a little more complicated than they seen at first
and then we go back to my house
You sound like an unbelieveable douche.
then Brian comes in and I change up the tempo
Brian comes in and it changes the song
looking at me like he thinks I'm a douchebag
but he's gonna learn pretty fast that he's wrong
hey Brian, why are you bringing me down there?
why are you bringing me down? DON'T BRING ME DOWN!
Music and lyrics by Stewie Griffin.
Hey Swanson, the boss is getting impatient. He wants his money.
He says after we've done with you, you gonna be eaten...
Swanson TV... TV-di... wait, what did he said?
- What? - Wha-What did the boss said? He said something funny and now I drowe the blank, wha-wha-what it was?
Eh, you know what is was? You know what it was?
When we're done with him he's gonna be a Swanson TV-dinner.
That is pretty funny.
Look what they did to me. My legs are useless now.
And trust me, they'll be back.
Well, what are we gonna do?
You know what, boys? Desperate times call for desperate measures.
If that stingy old cat won't give us the money we need
I say we take it from him.
Guys, we are gonna plan a robbery.
Hey, hey. That's the guy.
That's the guy whose chin... looks like a b... balls.
All right. On a normal night in a Pewterschmidt mansion there might be as much as 6 million dollars in a vault alone.
But this Saturday is the Pewterschmidt annual "Bring all your cash and put it in our safe" party.
Considering the guest list there could be as much as 40 million.
But we only need 20 thousand.
All right, I'll be honest with you.
My father-in-law has treated me like crap
for almost 20 years and it's time for a little payback.
I tell you, he's treated me worse than that jerk Cristian Bale did.
I want you off the fucking set, you prick!
Don't just be sorry!
Think for one fucking second!
I dropped the pean(?) on Eminem and rolled over here.
I'm not gonna walk around and rip your fucking lights stand in a middle of a scene.
Those are the Christmas lights, I put them up to make everyone happy.
Then why the fuck are walking right through?
Ah, ta-da-ta-da, like this in the back room. What the fuck it is with you?
Well, you are gonna owe a fortune to a swearjack(?).
You got ... here. Hey, it's fucking distracting!
Having somebody walking up behind bries(?) in the scene.
Give me your fucking answer!
I don't get it.
What don't you get about it?
I don't get why we need another terminator. I just... I don't get it.
And by the way, sorry, I ate that last piece of pie you were saving for yourself.
Ah! Good for you! And how was it?
It was good.
I hope it was fucking good because it's useless now, isn't it?
Wa... It's nourishing me, so it's useful.
... sake man, you're amateur.
I don't know that word.
Stay off the fucking set man.
Right, let's go again.
Can we just take a minute?
Let's not take a fucking minute, let's go again!
I'm gonna go pee and I wanna walk around
some more and I walla scenes going (?).
You're unbelieveable, man.
I just don't understand...
You don't fucking understand what it's like working with actors. That's what that is.
I... I don't think that's what that...
That's what that is, man, I'm telling you.
My family is coming to town, do you mind pretending that I'm the director.
Oh, there's my laptop.
Do you mind, I wanna check my e-mail.
Go away! I'm editing this music video, I'm making for Susie.
Oh, really? Music video?
Working on a little video there?
Little uh... Little music video?
Little compilation of visual images to go with the song?
Little 4-minute movie that tells the story of...
Yeah, that only works when I do it.
There. All done. All right, Brian, get ready to feel.
Look into your heart - you will find
There's nothin' there to hide
Take me as I am - take my life
I would give it all - I would sacrifice
Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more
You know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you
There's no love - like your love
And no other - could give more love
There's nowhere - unless you're there
All the time - all the way
- I'm not following the story arc here. - Shut up!
Look into your heart, babe
Oh - you can't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more
I would fight for you - I'd lie for you
Walk the wire for you - yeah I'd die for you
You know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you
Don't worry, Brian, those goose bumps will go away in about 20 minutes.
Bill, how are you? Barb, come over here and say hi to Bill Gates.
Hello, mr. Gates.
Hi, mrs. Pewterschmidt. Well, this is a great little party you guys are throwing.
Hey Bill, will you help me programming my Zune?
Oh, wait, I have an iPod like the rest of the world.
Why you?
All right, Joe, we're here.
All right, Peter, Quagmire, start the diversion.
Cleveland, find that door.
- Check. - Check.
Hey fellas, knock off all that high society crap and play some of this.
One. Two. Three. Four.
We can dance if we want to
We can leave your friends behind
'Cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance
Well they're no friends of mine
I say, we can go where we want to
A place where they will never find
And we can act like we come from out
All right, Cleveland, you're all clear to enter the vault.
Copy that.
Uh oh, it's a combination lock.
Looks like I'm just gonna cut through it.
Good thing I brought Reese Witherspoon's cheen.
Brian, do you know where Peter is?
Yeah, he and the guys went to rob your dad.
I believe you.
I'm in.
Holy crap, there's another door.
What are we gonna do?
Welcome to the vault. Voice identification, please.
Uh oh.
It's me, Carter, I want my money.
Voice print verified.
How the hell did you do that?
I can do you guys too.
- Hey everybody. - Oh, hey Peter.
- No, it's still me. - Ah.
Welcome to the inner vault. Penile identification required.
Let me handle this.
That's amazing! How the hell did you match it?
Oh, I didn't match the shape, I just stuck in and broke it.
Final checkpoint. Answer this question.
What is the most unattractive male first name in the English language?
Wow! Look at this place.
All right boys, pack up the do(?) and get out of there.
Joe, stop!
Lois, what are you doing here?
I'm here to try to talk some sense into you.
Do you really wanna go through with this?
I have to, Lois, for my family.
I don't know where else to get 20 thousand dollars.
But you know, dad will find out
he'll put his best people on a job and believe me he'll catch you.
That's the risk I'm willing to take.
But think about your beautiful little girl.
You can't wach her grow up from jail.
You'll miss running after her as she learns to walk...
I... I mean... I mean riding bikes with her as she...
I mean dancing at the wedding...
Look, my point is you know that you doing this wrong
and you know how to make it right.
Uh... Guys... Put the money back and get out of there.
What? Are you out of your mind?
Tell 'em, Megatron.
Ok, ok, jeez.
So, how'd Susie like your video?
I don't care about her anymore.
I'm in love with Brian Adams.
Peter, I want you to promise me, you'll never do anything that stupid again.
Lois, after what you did for Joe, I promise you everything.
How the hell did you get your dad to give that 20 grand?
I told him it was for me.
I said I wanted to hire a divorce lawyer.
You're... you joking about that, right?
You're joking, right?
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