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Family Gay

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Timing: reaper Transcript: reaper

Now remember, Peter, don't touch this money until you get to the grocery store.
Then buy one can of beans and come straight home.
Do you understand?
Lois, I'm the guy you can trust with the task.
I'm the one who almost conquered the Dragon's Lair.
Peter, where have you been?
You left for the market six hours ago. Did you get the beans?
Lois, I've got something better!
You know how you always wanted a real diamond engagement ring?
Oh! Oh my god!
That's right! I bought a horse.
You bought a horse?
Why the h... I didn't even give you that much money.
That's what I thought, Lois.
Sold! To the gentleman from Quahog, Rhode Island.
Congratulations, sir! What brings you down to Louisville?
I don't know!
Peter, there's something off about that horse.
You have an eye for animals, Lois.
This horse is brain-damaged, that's why I got it so cheap.
Peter, I don't think it's wise to have a brain-damaged horse as a house pet.
Shut up!
You don't know nothing.
But anything.
Whatever Peter. Fine. Keep the horse.
Good. This family works much better when we're unified.
You'll see, this horse will be a fine addition to our family.
You know what, I don't want him to feel selfconcious. Everybody pee.
- Pee no... - Everybody pee.
We're an unusual family.
Peter. The horse is here.
Oh yeah.
It's so creepy the way it just stares like that.
Why isn't it do something?
Uh... What is it?
Brian... Is Paul Sorvino standing behind me?
Hey, you wanna sugar cube, horsy?
Oh, oh god, Brian don't!
What made you come around, Lois?
I love you so much.
I love you so much, Lois.
Mmm... I love you too, Peter.
Peter, take Maple Drive, otherwise we won't make the movie on time.
All right.
- Uh oh. - What?
Uh... The horse is right behind the car.
Peter, this thing is just creepy.
Hey! Scare! Scare!
Cmon you! We're go... We're going to see a movie.
All right, I'm gonna try something else.
No, no, no, no, no, nooo...
Oh, that's got all my stink of the day in it.
That's nasty.
Peter, why are there so many bottles of milk in the refrigerator?
Oh, thanks for reminding me.
Everyone, some of the milk in the fridge is not milk
it's horse sperm.
I'm a horse breeder now.
Peter, no one's gonna want to breed with that horse.
After tomorrow they will.
I'm gonna enter him into the Quahog derby and he's gonna win.
I just know it. I got a sixth sense about these things.
Remember when I predicted the ending to the wild hogs?
This movie is gonna suck.
[Today: Quahod derby. Tomorrow: Terrence Trent D'Erby]
Hey there, little fella.
I'm 48.
This whole place is a giant mindfuck.
Boy, I've never been in the owners box.
We are gonna get a great view of the track from up here.
This is gonna be a great race.
What are you doing? Get down there.
Where's your midget?
Sorry boss, had to pee.
Come on, you.
Guess, he's got a small bladder.
Little tiny guy, gotta go all the time.
Even though he's got a race, he couldn't hold it.
And they're off!
Go, horsy, go!
God, it even runs like it messed up in the head.
Is there reason all the horses are named after canceled Fox shows?
Kitchen Confidential is in the lead
followed by The Wedding Bells
followed by The Happy Hour
followed by The War at Home
followed by Drive
followed by The Winner
followed by Life on a Stick
followed by The Loop
followed by Head Cases
followed by Standoff
followed by Vanished
followed by Free Ride
followed by Method & Red
followed by Tru Calling
followed by Quintuplets
followed by Stacked
followed by Justice
followed by North Shore
followed by Back to You
And bringing up the rear but somehow still in the race is 'Til Death.
You named your horse 'Til Death?
You know why?
'Cause I'm gonna take this horse and shove it down America's throat.
What's this?
It looks like 'Till Death has taken a right turn and is heading into the stand.
Dear god! I could describe the horror I'm witnessing
but it is so unfathomable ugly and heartrending that I cannot bring myself to do so.
Although I do posess the necessary descriptive powers.
Oh... Well at least the horse ran past the class of visiting deaf secondgraders.
Oh no! Dear god, it's going back.
I know you can't hear any screams
but I assure you they're signing frantically
just as fast as their little fingers can shape
the complicated phonemes necessary to convey dread and terror.
Wait a sec. Hold a phone.
He's going back towards the track.
Fellas, this race ain't over yet.
My baby's dead!
It's over.
One hundred thousand dollars worth a damage.
All thanks to that stupid horse of yours.
Look, can we not talk about the horse, please? It's gone.
It suffered a fatal heart attack from the exitement when I disposed of it properly.
Oh boy. I miss the old days when it was just a flaming bag of poop and a hurtful note.
I have no idea how the hell we're gonna pay for this, Peter.
Well, I just have to get a second job or something.
Hand me the classifieds.
Hey Lois, look at this. Subject wanted for medical...
- what's that? - Experiments.
And it says they'll pay handsomely.
This is perfect. Now I want to take off that job as Matt Damon's neck.
Hey, Matt.
Hey, is this another one of those movies
where you're an educated Boston street tough?
I don't have to take that crap from you, neck.
Ah, you have to, my friend.
I'm your neck.
What're you gonna do? Chop me? You'll die.
You'll die if you do that.
Can somebody from wardrobe bring me a scarf?
Oh, I'm still gonna... I'll just talk louder.
Ben Affleck married Jennifer Gardner
but you're married a bartender with a kid.
These are facts.
So what have I got to do, doc?
You don't have to do anything mr. Griffin.
We're isolating and studying the effects of various types of genes.
We're just going to give you a series of experimental injections and record the results.
What's this one?
We call this the squirrel gene.
Its effects will become apparent shortly.
OK. What's next?
This is the Seth Rogen gene.
It will give you the appearance of being funny even though you haven't done anything funny.
Hey, doc, is it gonna be much longer?
I gotta get some beers with the fellas before I go on this date.
How charming and chubby. I'm routing (?) for you.
All right, mr. Griffin, at this time we're going to inject
you with what we believe we've isolatet as...
the Gay gene.
I don't understand.
Well, if we're correct, we'll have successfuly
proven that homosexuality is genetic.
And not the matter of choice or environment.
Are you crazy?
I don't wanna take a chance on being gay.
We'll give you a hundred and twenty five dollars.
All right, I'll do it.
Boy, you are more persuasive than James Bond.
Now. Time for some unfinished business.
- No, James. - Yes!
- No, James! - Yes! You're going to have sex with me.
No, James, I don't want to.
Yes, you do.
- No, I don't. - Yes, you do!
- No, I don't! - Yes, you do!
Okay, yes.
See that? 50 Nos and a yes means yes.
So how the medical experiments go?
So good, Lois, so good.
I'm gonna squeeze right in here if my size will let me.
Peter, what exactly did they inject you with?
Ah, all sorts of things
hepatitis vaccine, a couple of steroids
the gay gene, calcium, a vitamine b extract.
What did you just say?
The gay gene.
I assume that's the one you meant even though it wasn't literally the last
thing I've said when you said "What did you just say?"
Clearly it was the most unusual.
Yes! That's the one I meant.
Peter... are you... gay?
Did anybody see that absolutely fabulous piece on Fiji in yesterday's travel section?
I wish I was Beyonce.
Peter, I think maybe you should go back and have that doctor undo whatever he did.
Oh, my muffins are ready.
You made muffins?
Well, it wasn't the muffin fairy.
Or was it?
Go ahead, try it.
Try it.
Dad, I think mom's right. Maybe you should go back to that doctor.
Well now. Wait a minute, Meg.
Let's not be too hasty. These are delicious.
I've said homosexuality is wrong.
Are you... Are you being serious right now?
Just keep it in the bedroom, you know.
I mean, I'm not holding your face with my heterosexuality.
Uh... No, you are not.
Damn it!
What's the problem, champ?
Why is math so hard?
Way you know it doesn't have to be.
One trick I used to use is turn the things into a word problem.
For example
If there are three glory holes in the bathroom at the club and
28 guys at the circut party
How many rotations of guys will it take before everybody's had a turn?
I don't know.
Nine, with the remainder of Brent.
Guys, Brent can't fit in the glory hole, and that's why we all like Brent.
We now return to
That black guy must be doing well because everything he owns is white.
Hey, how're you doing?
Wow! He must be doing well.
Well, here's the new nighty you've picked up for me.
What do you think?
I think I'm jelous of miss "Eats anything she wants
and still fits into size 4" Oh, I could scratch your eyes out. Meow.
You know, Peter, with all the shopping and cooking
and decorating. I have to say
I'm really liking the new you an awful lot.
An AWFUL lot.
Wha... What are you... What are you doing?
I'm fooling around.
C'mon, sweety, let's have some fun.
Lois! I'm gay!
You... Wait a minute, you mean...
We can't have sex?
Uh! Nooo!
Peter, we're married.
Tony Randall was married, Lois
Rock Hudson was married
Ronald Reagan was married.
Mr. President, did you reach a missile pact?
Well, you could say that.
There was a missile and something definitely got pact.
Just tell me, doctor, is there anything you can do to remove this gene?
Well, mrs. Griffin, it doesn't really work that way.
We just have to wait for the effects to wear off.
Well, how long will that take?
A week, a month, a year...
525600 minutes?
Oh! Rent! Rent! Rent!
For all we know, he could be this way for the rest of his life.
I don't see what's the big deal is. I like myself this way.
It's a very big deal. You'll be treated differently.
Just like my uncle Ray with the really high up anus.
I'll be out in a minute.
So, dad's gonna be gay forever?
Possibly, Meg.
So we're all just gonna have to get used to this
and lend to accept your father for who he is now.
Oh, great plan, Lois. Hey, here's a merry idea
ever read The Bible? Leviticus 18:22.
Stewie, you judgementaly quoting Bible versus and you don't even know how to read.
Welcome to America, Brian.
Hi, everybody. This is Scott.
Aw... Who's Scott?
My solemate, Lois. I'm here, I'm queer, but don't get used to it 'cause I'm leaving you.
I'm sorry, Lois. I can't deny who I am any longer.
I am Peter Griffin, homosexual.
And that's how I gonna live my life.
Chris, you're the man of the house now.
Take the lessons I've thought you and be the best leader of this household you can.
I will, dad!
Oh god, I miss Peter so much.
Gay or not, I just wish he was still here.
I miss dad too, mom. But we'll manage it somehow.
We're still a family, right?
Yeah! I mean we're thighter than asian family.
You doctor yet?
No, dad, I'm 12.
Talk to me when you're doctor.
I am so gay for you, Scott.
I'm so gay for you, Peter.
Penis for your thoughts.
I just... You complete me, you know that?
You just make me want to be a gayer man.
Oh, come here.
And you don't miss your wife at all?
Ah, sure I do, but this is a whole new chapter of my life, Scott.
And that chapter is all about you.
Oh, Peter, let's snuggle on the couch and watch Lifetime.
We now return to Meredith Baxter in
Raped by a Clown.
It was awful, he made me do things
awful things.
What kind of things?
I don't even talk about it.
So, you sure you don't need any house repairs, mrs. Griffin?
No, thanks, Rick. Ever since Peter left
our house hasn't been getting destroyed by a shenenigans on a weekly basis.
God, I feel so bad for Lois. She really misses Peter.
I just wish there were something we could do.
Well there is Brian. I looked into it.
Straight Camp.
Straight Camp?
Yeah, it's where gays are gonna get cured.
This is dated last year.
Oh yeah. I just... I just had it lying around.
I don't know. Goes against everything I believe in.
But at this point I'm willing to try anything.
I am sixteen going on seventeen
I know that I'm naive
Fellows I meet may tell me I'm sweet And willingly I
Oh, for the love of penis.
[Straight Camp]
What the... Where am I?
This is Straight Camp, Peter. I'm sorry but I'm doing it for Lois.
By the time you get out of here you're gonna be back to your old self again.
Welcome to Straight Camp, everyone.
You're all here because you've made a choice to renounce your evil sinful ways
and redeem yourself in the eyes of your lord and saviour Jesus Christ
who hates many people but none more than homosexuals.
And through our carefully structured programm you will succeed.
All right, men, this is Harry the homosexual.
Say hi to everyone, Harry.
Hi, fellas.
I sure love being gay.
Harry's choice of lifestyle is wrong.
So we're gonna beat him up for it.
Now, take these baseball bats and get to it.
All right, good so far.
No, no, no, don't use the bats like that.
No, no, don't use them like that either.
All right. Look. Just put them down and use your fists.
No, no, no, not like that.
All right. This next exercise will train you to talk like a straight man.
Peter, we'll start with you. Repeat every word I say exactly as I say it.
Tonight me and my friends Poly and Matty are going out to drink a ton of beers.
Tonight my friends and I are going out but
we're not drinking because those are empty calories.
Then we'll play full contact football in the
park with no pads or helmets.
Then we're gathering at Allen and Omars for
bad movie night
Then its straight to the bars to find
loose women to have sex with.
Then its straight to the gym for three hours of
crunches and extended eye contact with strangers.
Oh, don't get me that look, Tony.
That's exactly what you said. I said it right back to you.
Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry about you, people
but I didn't know where else to go.
I haven't seen Peter in two days
and I just thought he might be here.
What? Oh my god, Peter's missing?
Hey, hang on, hang on, hang on
before anyone gets too worked up.
I know where Peter is.
- Where? - I put him into Straight Camp.
You what?
You bastard!
Brian, why did you do that?
Well, its just... You seem so unhappy and I just...
wanted to help you get your husband back.
Who knows, by now Peter could be completely heterosexual again.
Throw out your hands!! Stick out your tush!!
Hands on your hips Give them a push!!
You'll be surprised You're doing the French Mistake!!
Lois? What are you doing here?
I'm here to get you out of this place, Peter.
I'm taking you back to Scott.
Really? You're not still upset about my leaving?
Peter, there's nothing I'd want more than have you back
but your place is in Scott now.
I mean a person sexual identity
is no more a choice than the color of his skin.
This is who you are, I can't change you.
And it would be wrong for me to try.
Ah, Lois, you've made me happier than a
pig among guinea pigs.
All right, I think we all on agreement. I'm in charge here.
Hi, Peter.
Hi, Scott!
Guess what? I have a welcome home surprise for you.
Ah, dish, dish, dish.
Remember how you told me?
Your ultimate fantasy was to have in eleven way.
Oh my god, yes I do. And you so did not even.
Oh, but I did. Yoohoo, guys.
Ah, here's my notes about the gay gene.
Huh. It wears off after two and a half weeks.
Oh great, now I can't find mrs. Griffins number.
Okay. Everybody ready?
Oh god, I feel like I'm kid in the candy store
who's having sex with a bunch of gay guys.
Wait a minute.
What's going on here?
Holy crap!
These are mine.
So, we're just like never gonna talk about this again?
That's right, sweety.
Well, I'm just happy to have your father home again.
Yeah, and thank god everything's back to normal.
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