Family Guy Fun

Baby Not On Board

Episode 704
Timing: Razzzma Transcript: reaper Editing: lUiGi
You guys are gonna love this spa. They give the best massages.
Your whole bodies will feel like Joes legs.
- Wow! - That would be nice for a short period.
I tell you, I need this. I've had a really stressfull morning.
Wait a minute, Doc! Are you telling me
that its 8:25?
- Precisely! - Damn... I'm late for school!
That's the power of love.
Okay. Why don't you just get yourself settled up on that table.
- I'll give you a minute. - Eh... What am I supposed...
- You ready in there? - Yep.
Oh, ha-ha, you put some fake poo on the floor.
Oh no! Get out! Get out! Scam!
Huh, this is more like it.
Is the music okay?
Actually, would you mind tuning it to 97.1?
You listening to the Quiet Storm. Up next the music of the eyes list
Teddy Pendergrass and right now here is some Marvin Gaye
Oh, that's what I'm talking about.
Ohhh, this is long overdue.
There's nothing like a good suit massage.
Focus on the lapels. That's where I carry most of my stress.
Okay, here's one. If you were gay
and you had to have sex with either
John Forsythe or Sean Connery, who would it be?
- Oh, that's easy, John Forsythe. - Yeah, John Forsythe.
- John Forsythe, absolutely.
That's so funny, I would also say John Forsythe, I was just curious.
Yeah, I mean Sean Connery is just so... O-oh...
Oh God, I am so sorry!
It's too late. The damage is done.
Hey Chris, you know what I just got?
The boxset of Lord Of The Rings. It's awesome.
Yeah, but you remember the giant eagle they rode in the first one
and then rescues them at the end of the third one?
Yeah, yeah...
Yeah, why didn't they just fly the eagle to Mordor
instead of spending three movies walking there.
That's not what it's about, Chris. It's about the quest.
Oh, I'm not arguing that with you, I'm just saying there's hole in the story.
- Huh... Have you ever seen Krull? - No.
Yeah, you don't need to see Krull.
All right guys, the best thing you can do for your body after a massage
is hot coffee, alcohol and slim jims.
Oh, dad, I'm glad you're here.
- There's something I need to ask you. - What is it, Chris?
- Well, um... Today in gym class
I've noticed one of my testicles went up inside my body
and hasn't come back out yet.
And I'm a little scared.
Uh, Sir, this employee just made a sexual remark to me.
No, dad, I'm really worried.
Look, is that normal?
Ah, ah! Sir, sir! Your employee is exposing himself to me!
- But dad! - You got a lawsuit on your hands, mister.
Whoa, whoa, okay, look, look.
If you'd be willing to forget this whole thing happened,
I'll give you this gas card.
Unlimited Free Gas for a year?!
Just 'cause I threatened to sue you?
Well, that and you're not the worst looking guy who's ever come in there.
That's what I wanted to hear!
Wow, Peter, a free gas card!
This could save us a lot of money.
Yeah, everyone except Brian 'cause he bought a Prius, what a dumbass.
What? What? What I miss? Are we laughing at Brian?
Ha-ha, Brian, you're suck!
What the devil is in here?!
Oh, I threw out all your apple juice, Stewie. We're a gas family now.
You put gasoline in Stewie's bottle?!
You damn fool! You're more useless than Aquaman!
Help! Somebody help me! Rape!
Scream all you want, nobody can hear you out here.
I can!
Aquaman, help!
Hey! Hey! Hey, let her go!
Or what?
Or... Or... I don't know man, but...
but you're lucky you're not doing it over here... in the ocean.
Or else... I would stop you.
For God's sake! Help! Do something!
Ah, if you don't like starfish you're gonna be mad about what I just did.
Oh God! Help!
Ah, you're in for it now, buddy. I've got like five fish coming to help.
Aw, aw, here they are.
Help, he's hurting me!
Well, maybe you shouldn't of let him on.
Peter, what the hell is that?
It's a space shulttle, Lois.
I figured, with unlimited free gas I can finally afford to go into space.
Why is it every time I open this door
you seem to be in some ridiculous vehicle you inexplicibly acquired?
I've got this at a NASA auction for next to nothing.
They were gonna scrap it cause of some minor mechanical problem or something.
Instead they sold it to me. Very simple explaination.
I do not want you trying to fly that thing...
you're not even a trained astronaut!
Relax, Lois, nothing bad ever happens to space shuttles.
Now stand back!
[3 days later]
I'm back from space, everybody.
You got lucky, Peter.
How was it, dad?
Oh, mind-boggling, Chris.
Barrelling around the Earth at 5 miles per second.
Watching the sunrise over the Sea of Japan.
It's indescribable.
Plus I've had a lot of time to rub one out which in space is great,
except after a while it's like living in a snow globe.
Peter, instead of wasting your free gas on a series of comedic
stunts why don't use it more constructively?
I mean we can take a family vacation.
That's a great idea, mom.
Hey, maybe we can go to the island from Lost.
No, I don't wanna listen Matthew Fox's heavy breathing.
Keith... You don't get it.
We are the island!
Hand me that paper bag.
Jack, that's got my poop in it.
I know... I know.
It's got a hit of coconut in it.
And something else.
But that's part of the mystery.
All aboard for the Grand Canyon!
I know you're tired, Stewie, but you sleep all you want in the car.
Uh, 6 am. I shouldn't have stayed up all night listening to persian radio.
Hey, that was Roxette with You've got the look.
It's 21 o'clock and still 27 Centigrade out there.
Huh, that's hot.
So, if you're cruising along the left side of the road at a 120 km
per hour in zis kheavy desert, turn up the decibels
'cause it's Shaleb Mame with Zeheh Maleh
on 103.2. The Hukh!
What's with all those birds?
My tropical bird collection... Just in case.
Just in case what?
We're not gonna need a dozen tropical birds.
Oh, I was not aware that you can see the future, Lois.
Can I go ahead and get tomorrow's lottery number?
Stupid woman.
Peter, you are not putting those birds in the car.
Oh, well then I guess we're not going on vacation.
Oh, good, then I'm going back to bed.
All right, Peter, you can bring this stupid birds.
Yeah, you're letting me be myself.
All right, everybody, let's go!
All right, everybody, off we go!
We are gonna have such a great time...
- Hello. - Hey, Peter, what's up?
Hey, Quagmire, just taking the family on vacation.
Oh, that's good.
Oh, hang on a second, I'm stuck behind some fatass driving too slow.
C'mon stupid, move it!
Hang on, Quagmire, some jerk behind me is honking his horn.
Oh, you should totally flip him off!
Oh, hang on a sec, some fatass just flipped me off!
Hey, up yours, you jerk!
Hang on, Quagmire, I've gotta kick this guy's ass.
Yeah, I've gotta kick this guy's ass!
- Hey, I'll call you back after the fight. - Yeah, me too.
- Good luck in yours. - Good luck in yours.
Lois? I'm awake, Lois.
Where the devil is everyone?
This place is more deserted than James Gandolfini's workout room.
Just waitin' for my breakfast.
I know how to get her attention.
Lois, I'm about to drink my first soda, better come stop me.
Mmm, that must be the sugar.
Oh God, that's good!
Rupert, suddenly I want to run! Chase me!
Oh, now I'm sad.
Brian, do me a favor and check on Stewie, would you?
He's fine.
Hey, what do you say we sing a driving song?
Some say Love-e-e...
It is a river...
That drowns...
The tender reef...
Some say Love-e-e...
It is a razor...
That leaves your soul to bleed...
When the night has been too lonely...
And the road has been too long...
And you think that love is only
For the lucky and the strong...
Just remember...
In the winter...
Far beneath...
The bitter snows...
Lies the seed that with the sun's love...
In the spring...
Becomes the rose...
Okay, that was good, that was good!
Chris, I think you were a little early at start of bar 4.
I don't know. How'd that sound from your end?
Sounded great out here. You want another?
No, if that's works for you, we're fine.
- All good on my end. - All right, that's a take.
There's no sign of them anywhere!
Meg? Chris? Brian?
They're gone! I'm all alone!
I can do whatever I want!
I'm gonna take Brians novel
and replace every use of the word "and" with the word "fart".
"The young soldier fart his brother looked at each other
fart both knew that with love fart truth fart courage
they would both emerge st-fart-ing on their feet."
Eh, that one didn't work.
Well, let's see what facinating pubescent treasures
Chris has got hidden away.
Ooh, Hustler Magazine!
I finally get to see what a vagina looks...
Oh God! Oh my God! Oh my God!
You... Can't hurt... Anyone...
[Ground zero]
Why are we in New York?
I thought we were going to the Grand Canyon.
Well, I just thought we should stop and pay our respects.
Ground zero.
So this is where the first guy got AIDS.
Peter, this is the site of 9/11 terrorists' attacks.
- Ah, so Saddam Hussein did this? - No.
- The Iraqi army? - No.
- Some guys from Iraq? - No.
That one lady who visited Iraq that one time?
No. Peter, Iraq had nothing to do with this,
it was bunch of Saudi-Arabians, Lebanese and Egyptians
financed by a Saudi-Arabian guy living in Afghanistan
and sheltered by Pakistanis.
So, you're saying we need to invade Iran?
Wake up, Stewie, let's get you out of that seat and into a fresh diaper.
Oh my God!
Peter, Stewie's not in the car!
Oh my God, we must have left him at home!
Oh my God.
That... Is... Hilarious.
He is probably freaking out.
God, I would give anything to see his face right now.
He's... He's probably all like "Whe... Where the deuce is everyone?".
Well, I can't really do a good Stewie.
Oh my God, what kind of a mother am I?
Peter, we gotta go home right now!
Oh great, Lois. Now we gotta bail on the whole vacation. This sucks!
Now every time I come back to this place
it's gonna be associated with one particular bad memory.
Actually we could call Quagmire and Cleveland.
They can go over and check on Stewie.
They'll probably even be willing to look after him 'till we got home.
Well, okay, I guess so.
Yeah, Quagmire and Cleveland are great with kids.
Like Robin Williams in Patch Adams.
Huh. Everybody's lying around in here. Liar, liar, pants on fire.
What am I in congress? Ho-ho. See, laughter is the best medicine.
Please, sir, I'm in so much pain!
Shut up and listen to my material!
Huh, what's this? Bedpan? Peter pan?
Oh, next stop is Neverland. Come Wendy, fly with me. Ho-ho.
Hmm, I've never executed a diaper change before.
Of course how hard could it be? You just unfasten these things
and lay back with your legs in the air and let nature do the rest.
Hm, it's still there. Usually the doodey's disappeared by now but it hasn't.
Stewie, you in there?
You think he's here?
Oh God, it's Cleveland and Bob Hope.
Oh well, the damage is done. Better get 'em out of here.
Perhaps I'll shackle them in the basement.
With a 24 hour broadcast of the DirecTV help channel.
What the hell? Where are we?
Getting to know your remote is easier than you might think.
These buttons at the top control volume, channel and the power on your receiver.
To see what else is playing just press Guide.
And then scroll through the on-screen menu
by pushing the arrow-button. Now that we've learned the basics...
This maybe kinda messed up but...
Am I the only one getting a boner right now?
Is there anything that doesn't give you a boner, Glenn?
People are used the word "rubbish" when they mean garbage.
- Really? - Yep. Not even a wiggle down there.
Your shows will appear on My Playlist.
Peter, it's been 8 hours and I haven't heared from Cleveland or Quagmire.
I even tried Joe.
This is my wheelchair! There are many like it but this one is mine!
Without me my wheelchair is useless!
Without my wheelchair I am useless!
- Shut up! - Okay.
This sucks! I wanna see the Grand Canyon!
I'm sorry but we are not leaving Stewie by himself.
We're going home.
No way! Those guys have TV in their car!
He-he. They're watching Operation Dumbo 6 with Don Nuts.
Professor, you've got to impregnate this elephant
or the entire species will become extinct.
You mean I gotta put this thing in that thing?!
Well, this is the job that's not worth the money!
Peter, watch the road!
Lois, get off my back, will ya? I'm trying to watch TV.
I swear to God, sometimes I think your head's screwed on backwards...
I mean, do you have any idea...
Hey, crashy, what are you doing down there?
Well, Rupert, we're out of food, diapers and just about everything else.
Which means I've got to get a job.
otherwise we'll be in worse shape than Morbidly Obese Albert.
Hey, Morbidly Obese Albert, we brought you some chocolate.
Huh, I can't eat those chocolates on account of my diabetes.
Remember, they had to take my foot?
Look it on the bright side, now you get your shoes half-price!
Alright, maybe I'll have one.
Welcome to McBurgertown. Can I take your order?
Stewie, you've got to clean the bathroom!
No, no! I'm not going back in there.
Stewie, I'm not giving you a choice. You've got to go clean that up.
No! No! It was literally only on the floor.
All right? There was no attempt to get near the toilet.
It's like they just... Pressed their buttocks against the wall.
The only part of the floor that didn't have poo on it
- was the part that had baby on it. - Go!
Peter, did you get the train tickets?
Uh, actually no, Lois.
There was a guy inside selling shower curtain rings,
so I bought a bunch of those.
Peter! That was last of our cash!
These ones have helium in them, so they're very light.
You are unbelieveable!
The last four days have been a living hell!
Our baby is at home all by himself yet instead of getting us home
you've managed to make things worse at every turn!
A monkey would be a refreshing step up from you!
A monkey would talk less!
Here's a little tip.
If your instinct tells you to do something, don't do it.
If your instinct tells you not to do something,
it's probably the right thing to do!
You wanna hurt me?
Go right ahead if it makes you feel any better.
I'm an easy target...
Yeah, you're right.
I talk too much.
I also listen too much.
I could be a cold-hearted cynic like you.
But I don't like to hurt people's feelings.
You think what you want about me, I'm not changing.
I like... I like me.
My kids like me.
My friends like me.
'Cause I'm the real article.
What you see is what you get.
Movie references.
Guys! I found us a ride to Quahog in the back of a truck! Hurry!
Ah, thank God!
C'mon let's head home before Stewie gets hurt
like Fozzie Bear when he went to Saudi Arabia.
Eh, It's good to worship Allah 'cause I used to worship Summer!
I once know a guy who was so arab...
How arab was he?
Eh, he was so arab that
everybody liked him and there was nothing funny about him at all.
Stewie, can I see you in my office for a second?
Oh, yeah, what's up, Eric? Everything's ok?
Yeah, just come into my office.
Stewie, Shiwanda said she saw you sneaking food.
She said she saw you in the back of the kitchen sneaking a fish sandwich.
Oh, come on! Dude!
Yes, okay. But the thing was five minutes past the throw out time.
Well, be that as it may. Shiwanda took these pictures on her cellphone.
You're fired.
We're broke, Rupert.
I'm jobless, there's no food left
I'm out of diapers and I'm down to Meg's last hat.
We're doomed, you know.
Let it be written on my tombstone
That my life was considerably better with my family around.
And I didn't realize it until it was too late.
Mommy! Daddy!
Chris! Dog! Brian!
They're home!
Oh, mommy, thank God you're home!
Ah, Stewie, my baby!
I promise with all my heart that I'll never say or do
anything bad to you for the rest of the evening.
By the way, I disabled the V-chip and I've watched so much porn.
Ah, sweetie, I'm so glad you're all right.
Yeah, no thanks to Cleveland and Quagmire.
Wonder what the hell happened to them.
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Did I tell you I'm getting a spin-off?
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