Z-Bonia

Updated: 6/1/01 Click here for Zbonia archive

Words

I am sick and don't feel like writing. Enjoy the shit below.

Email Attachment of the Week

Joke of the Week

THE 17 WAYS WOMEN FAIL IN BED:

1. MILKING IT: When stroking a guy's dick
don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like
you were milking a cow. Don't use the love
sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to
strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a
thing of wonder and beauty, and should be
awed, worshiped and held tenderly at all
times. The sensitive part is at the top(where your
face should be), not two-thirds of the way down.

2. ROBOTS: When sucking a guy's dick don't
just get on the end of the thing and jam your
head back and forward. It's a beautiful
instrument; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed
and licked from every possible angle.

3. SILENT FRIGHT: If you've come and cannot be coerced to scream to show your
appreciation, at least make some sort of
sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty and
can blow his biscuits whenever he wants.

4. NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don't laugh if your
creative male lover gets carried away and says
things like, "Ride my hard cock you filthy
cock-sucking slut" or "I want to rinse your mouth
with my fresh, white love potion." Laughter
at any aspect of the male performance will not
enhance it. Just be grateful you've got a guy who can speak whole sentences.

5. CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take
the trouble to come on your face, don't close your
eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic
moment of joyful union and love with him. Semen is
not likely to cause permanent blindness in
most cases but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.

6. POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all
important. Don't wait to be asked to get it
doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it.

7. HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you
should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to
touch you. You should leave the bed and
leave him in peace. If you are a one-night stand you
should leave the premises without thieving
anything or asking for a phone number. His work is done.

8. BEING SHY: Always offer the Hershey
Highway. You know you love it. If you don't like it
that much, still offer it as you can quite
easily play with yourself as he rams away.

9. BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in
your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any
ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.

10. CLOCK-WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever
even think of saying: "Are you going to come
soon." If you're doing a blowie, you'd have
to take your mouth off to utter the question. If
you're giving a hand-job, you should have
gone to the gym to work your biceps. If he's
shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes
you should be grateful. This is not a time trial
but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings.

11. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: Don't ask him
if you're the best lover he's ever had. Most
men have had so many sexual partners that it
is unlikely that you are. Please don't ask a man
to lie about such an important thing.

12. PLAYING DEAD: Don't just lie there, do
something. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it
helps if both parties move around a bit. I
know you expect the men to do all the hard and
skillful work. We don't mind that and we're
blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it
but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.

13. BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to
have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two
women at a time don't sneer at or reject his
exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins
you to make up a threesome. If he's a real
man he's probably shagging her anyway. Plus you
might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.

14. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don't shave
all your pubic hair off. It makes your pussy look
like a piece of poultry past its sell-by
date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old.
If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy
racing stripe in the manner favored by the Playboy
models that your man would rather be shagging.

15. SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to
so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim
right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it
out without savoring the taste and gluey texture.
You should play with semen like a block of
Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and
throwing from side to side. A line like "I
love it when you come in my mouth" makes for a happy finale to fun and games.

16. BEING UNGRATEFUL: Never forget to thank
a man for all the effort and energy he has
expended on making love to you - especially
if A) sex has lasted more than five minutes
and/or B) you managed to achieve an orgasm.
A man's role in sex is far more demanding than
a woman's so it is always nice when one'sprowess is appreciated.

17. SEEKING FAVOURS: Never contemplate
taking advantage of your man's warm after-sex
glow to seek favors or make requests. As he
drops off into well-deserved slumber, resist the
urge to ask, "Do you think I should buy that
dress, skirt, sofa, Mercedes, country cottage?"
There is a name for the practice of mixing
sex and business. It's called whoring.

Email Train of the Week

Michael Vidos

JustLetMeHearSomeOfThat
ROMAN-roll music,
Any old way you use it..


Shin


Everybody's talkin bout the new sound
Funny, but it's still ROMAN-roll to me.


Michael Vidos


IIIIIIIIII Looooooove ROMAN-roll,
put another dime in the jukebox baby

Shin


Now for 10 years we've been on our own,
And moss grows fat on a ROMAN stone


Michael Vidos


Wheel in the sky keeps on ROMAN....
Oh, I don't know where I'll be tomor-row.


Shin


Papa was a ROMAN stone
Wherever he laid his hat was his home
And when his died
All he left was us alone


Michael Vidos


ROMANcoaster.....
..of love.
ROMANcoaster...
a-who, who, who..

=========


Shin


How does it feel
How does it feel
To be without a home
Like a complete unknown
Like a ROMAN stone.

Michael Vidos


ROMAN in my 5.0
with the ragtop down
so my hair can blow.

Shin


ROMAN down the street smokin' indo
Sippin' on Gin and Juice
Laid Back
(With my mind on my money and my money on my mind)


Michael Vidos


I hear that train a coming
it's ROMAN round the bend,
and I ain't seen the sunshine
since I don't know when

I'm stuck in Folsom Prison....


Shin


Roman Roman Roman, get that doggie roman, Rawhide


Michael Vidos


Roman
(Roman!)

Roman
(Roman!)

Roman on the river....


Shin


Roman with the homies.


Michael Vidos

Hello Chicago are you ready to R.O.M.A.N !!
Fuck You MotherFucker etc, etc...


Shin


Go to the gym tomorrow row row your boat.

R.O.C.K the U.S.A


Michael Vidos


I'm sure R.O.M.A.N. will go - he lives down the street. I'll email Tree.

I've tried that regime - it just makes me short, fat and ugly (oh, and charming).
At lease if I go to the gym I won't be fat.


Shin


I know. No, Karen and I are only going to Iberico. I invited Z and Roman and Trish, but I'm not sure if they'll come. Tell whoever you want. Let me know who wants to come though so we can get some chairs. Or maybe we'll be sitting at the bar.

Don't be lame and go to the gym. I got a new work out regime. Lots and lots of alcohol.


Michael Vidos


word. If I get really ambitious I'm gonna go to the gym then meet you out. I'm assuming it's gonna be
a bunch of you? Not just Shin&Karen Inc.?

Today is ParisJAT's birthday...


Shin


thanks! Karen works until 6:00, so I'm going to meet her at her office then and then we're going to go over to Iberico.

Michael Vidos

Love, Z E-mail me if you have anything you want to post on this page.